So, I've gotten sick of people not knowing how to properly entertain.  By entertain, I don't mean softshoe on the coffee table, although if I'm not mistaken, I've seen that.  And here, by entertaining, I don't mean a BYOB barbecue in the backyard, although some of my favorite memories are from those.  By entertaining, I mean inviting people over for DRINKS.

Ah, drinks.  A word that strikes fear into many a young heart - "Why can't they just have a beer?"  Well, my dear, it's very simple - because being able to entertain makes one a sophisticate.  And to be sophisticated, one needs a heterodox variety of tastes.  Not necessarily preferences, but tastes.  So, what does one need?

Aside from Frank Sinatra's greatest hits and an available room, the most important thing to have is a well-stocked liquor collection.  And thus, after such dillying and such dallying, we finally reach the point of this piece.

I'm going to lay out two sets here.  I will begin with what I call a "budget" liquor collection - for someone entertaining in a dorm room, for example, or for a single person on a budget who simply wants to know where to start.  Then, I will lay out what I consider to be a "proper" liquor collection.  Mind you, I don't have such a collection, either collection to be honest, at this point.  I can't entertain in my present living situation, and I haven't the time either.  Would I put one together if I could?  Certainly.  This is not a cheap endeavour.  You will find no Aristocrat tequila here - I may point you in the direction of some other brands, however.  But it is an investment.  Unless you're a raving alcoholic, a law student, or in the Navy, you're not going to polish off your entire collection in a fortnight.  So it's a long-term investment in terms of keeping these things - they aren't, in general, going to go bad.  And it is a long-term investment in entertainment - this is a learning process.  I certainly could not have formulated this sort of list but a couple of years ago.  It takes experinece, and hopefully a list of this sort will steer you, the gentle reader, in the proper direction.

Click here to see the "budget" liquor collection. (coming soon)

In terms of the "proper" liquor collection (which I will actually write first but place second, then triage therein to create the "budget" collection), one must possess beer, wine, and "hard" liquor.  Certain accoutrements will also be necessary, but we will cover those later.

First, the beer.  I must say, I'm not a terribly big fan of beer.  I tend to be a wine and liquor man myself, but one common prejudice is that beer is unacceptable at a proper soiree.  Nonsense.  Beer is more than acceptable, but it should not be the dominant form of alcohol.  We are not trying to create a lacrosse-team kegger, but rather are attempting to strive to a higher standard.  So, what beers to keep?  First, I recommend keeping them in bottles.  There is an aesthetically pleasing quality to a bottled beer.  Second, how much?  For this, a proper collection, I would advise keeping six six-packs of various lagers and ales, as well as some stout on hand, especially if you or your close friends are of the Irish persuasion.  Which six?  Ah, well this is where the creativity comes into play.  I would keep two domestics and four foreigns - the domestics for popular consumption, the foreigns to demonstrate a certain je ne sais quoi.  However, I would not keep your "microbrews" here, unless you consider yourself a beer connoisseur and are qualified to judge the varietal of the hops.  I'm not, so I don't.  I'm also woefully biased in my beer selection, as you shall see, toward lighter beers, but that's because I'm not a beer man.  Now, as to the selections:  In terms of domestics, I keep a six pack of Rolling Rock, which is a well-known and acceptable green-bottle domestic, and a six pack of Brooklyn Brewery Lager, a beer I have fallen in love with as of late, and which is obscure enough to score you points without making you a "beer nerd" - which, I should say, is FAR worse than being a "wine geek" or "liquor tool."  So, that's two out of six.  For foreign beers, I would keep a six pack of Coronas, a six pack of Harps, a six pack of Heinekens, and a six pack of Czechvars.  If it's the middle of summer, I drop the Czechvars for a second six of Coronas.  If I'm entertaining the Irish, the Czechvars drop out for more Harp - which happens to be my favorite beer, and if I have my oats about me, will be the dominant beer.  Czechvar is a Czech beer (obviously) which was the Bohemian origin of Budweiser.  Scores you beer points to ID it - I had never heard of it until a friend of mine, an admitted beer nerd himself, introduced it to me, and it's really quite good.  The only other thing I would stock is a four-pack of "supercans" of Guinness Stout - two four packs if my brother is within 100 miles.  The new bottles are nice, but I really like the supercans, and they pour better, in my opinion, into a pint glass.  No mugs here - the last name is German, but not my taste in beer.  Pint glasses for all the beer - but this will fall under the rubric of hardware, to come later.  So that leaves you with six six packs of beer, plus another four pack of stout, for a total of forty beers.  That should take you through at least two parties and other sundry entertaining, and gives you a nice selection.  Feel free to add and subtract as you will - many people I know would add ales in lieu of lagers, or even (heaven forfend) drop the Guinness.  Like I said, I'm not a beer nerd.  I should also note that I usually leave a sixer or two of cheap can beer (Bud Light or MGD) at the bottom of the fridge, in case I'm mowing the lawn, grilling, or watching baseball.  But that's not "entertaining."

Now, after the beer, the wine.  Wine is very important.  It's not just red or white - BUT it is just red and white.  NO blush here.  Sorry, Mom.  In the budget section, I advised keeping one red and one white handy.  Not here.  Here, you have to anticipate sophisticated tastes.  I tend to be a bit idiosyncratic in my wine tastes - I have no problem buying a $6 bottle of Chilean wine, but I will not buy a $100 Napa Valley.  I just don't go for domestic wine, with the exception of Virginia wines, and that's because I've seen the wineries.  We'll just forget about that ugly episode with the grape-flavored Gallo box, shall we?  Moving on... here, I would keep three bottles of red, and two bottles of white, or in that relative proportion.  People tend to prefer red to white, especially if men are at your event.  Plus, there's such a diversity in red wines, which I simply have not explored in whites.  So what to keep?  If you don't like your guests, keep a Chardonnay.  I personally don't like a wine that tastes like licking the bottom of an oak barrel, but that's just me.  In terms of a dry white, I would recommend a Loire Valley varietal - Vouvray, for example, is excellent, and I can personally attest to their quality, having visited their caves.  I keep one dry white, and one sweet white wine - the sweet being a Riesling or a Gewurtztraminer - and it doesn't necessarily have to be French or German, although I tend to prefer it that way.  Especially if your event involves sweet food or comes after dinner, a sweet white may be welcome, and will probably be unknown to those who don't know much about white wines.  As for reds, I usually keep one Merlot, one Shiraz, and one Cabernet Sauvingon, the Cab slot being held by a good Haut-Medoc Bordeaux.  If I'm feeling adventurous, I'll supplement that with a nice Cotes du Rhone - but that's because I love red wines.  I used to be the world's biggest fan of Sangiovese and Chianti, but I just don't see how you fit that in here - you can, but you're going to have to lose something else.  Save it for the wine cellar.  As for the Merlot, I tend to go with South America - Chile does some of the best Merlot, for my money, on the market.  And the Shiraz?  I go straight to Australia - well aged, inexpensive, and really very very good.  So if you're going to keep the three reds to go with the two whites, I would say the Chilean merlot, the Australian shiraz, and a Bordeaux or a Cotes du Rhone.  But those are my personal tastes.

Now a question I have actually been asked before, believe it or not, is whether or not to keep ports and sherrys.  Here?  Yes.  I mean, why not?  They're a delightful drink, and really quite good.  And if you're trying to cultivate that image of an English country squire or an Irish gentleman that you've just been working at for years and years, you can't do it without a nice port or sherry.  Now I'll admit, I'm not the biggest expert on these.  I tend to see sherrys as drier ports, which is why I don't like them.  You'd have to consult with an expert for more information.  I would keep two ports - a ruby (which is for me, LOL) and a tawny, the equivalent of keeping a red wine and a white wine.  Go Porto - look for it.  I personally would keep two total bottles - either two ports, a port and a sherry, or two sherrys.  You won't be criticized for keeping this amount - most people will be impressed that you thought of it at all.  For me, it's two ports - a ruby and a tawny.

And now, what you have all been waiting for... the hard stuff.  This is critical.  Beer and wine you can pick up at the local supermarche.  You can't get the hard stuff there, unless it's a very special supermarket... but I digress.  Fact is, good hard liquor is one of the hallmarks of a distinctive entertainer.  So then, what to stock?

Let's start with whiskeys, because it's often where I start and end.  I said in the budget collection to stock two whiskeys.  Unh unh unh.  A MINIMUM of five whiskeys need to be stocked here - I usually keep something like seven, but that's because whiskey is my drink of choice, as it is for many of my friends and associates, and because there's such a wonderful variety of them out there.  What to stock?  Let's start here in the States.  You need two American whiskeys - a bourbon and a Tennessee whiskey.  I keep Jack Daniels, both for sentimental reasons and because it is one of the most popular drinks in the world.  As for the bourbon, the easy answer is Jim Beam.  But fact is, I have to say, I don't much like old man Beam.  I would use the Jack for mixing, and invest in a small batch bourbon here, of which I can testify to the merits of Maker's Mark and Booker's.  Use the Jack for those who request it (no shame there, Mr. Sinatra drank Jack) and for mixing, and serve the bourbon over ice, in mint juleps, or straight.  Now, across the Atlantic.  We start in Ireland, where we procure a bottle of Irish whiskey.  Unless you're a REAL expert, and most people aren't, you're choosing between Bushnell's and John Jameson.  I go with Jameson - it's one of my favorite alcohols in all the world.  Then across to Scotland.  Here you really have to stock up.  A minimum of two Scotches, preferably more.  Liquor snobs tend to migrate here - in the 90s, this was where they all congregated.  Get one blended Scotch - I would say Johnnie Walker Black (Red is too harsh, and Gold and Blue are for Japanese salarymen, or so someone once told me).  Use it for mixing.  Don't offer it straight.  If someone requests it, sigh briefly, note to yourself that said person is your guest, and offer it, hoping against hope that next time, he (or even she) will know better next time.  Walker is good for sours, whiskey-and-cokes, whiskey-and-sodas, etc.  I wouldn't use it for much else, myself.  Then you'll need a good single malt.  Experts will want two, with at least one being a Speyside.  I tend to stock two myself - Macallan, and sometimes an Aberlour or a Glenmorangie.  Macallan is my preferred Scotch.  If you're new at this, go with Glenlivet... but only for starters.  Don't waste your time with Glenfiddich.  You'll just be seen as a Vince Vaughan wannabe.  That should cover whiskeys - five at minimum, preferably one or two more.  Don't go below five, even if you're not a whiskey drinker, because fact is, other people will be.

Now, we'll move into clear liquors.  There are two with which we must become intimately familiar - gin and vodka.  I keep two gins on stock, and so should you.  I keep Tanqueray and Bombay Sapphire.  Don't keep something worse than Tanqueray unless you're really good at this, and you know something that is both cheap and good - my friend Josh being an example of someone who is.  If not, you'll end up with something that tastes more of benzene than spirits.  Tanqueray, I prefer in gin and tonics, whereas I use Bombay in martinis.  You may differ.  But keep two kinds - the difference is noticeable, and will show your distinctiveness as a host or hostess.  Then, there's vodka.  Again, two kinds.  I keep one relatively inexpensive type for mixing - for me, that's Absolut, cheap, effective, you get the idea.  Then I keep one "boutique" vodka - here, you can't go wrong choosing among Stolichnaya, Ketel One, or Grey Goose.  All are excellent, and there is no significant difference among them.  That's what you use for your vodka martinis and for those poor souls who want vodka straight up or on the rocks.  I don't like vodka - but I keep it, because of its popularity.  Now, let's move to rum.  I keep two kinds of rum, some people keep as many as four.  I keep a light rum and a dark rum, that's it.  But that's because I'm not a rum man - I tend to stock Bacardi simply because rum is not where I invest my hard-earned money.  However, I do have a penchant, thanks to my time in France, for Malibu - so I would keep a bottle of that and a bottle of Bacardi whatever.  Like I said, rum's not a big deal for me.  If you're a hardened alcoholic or sailor, as mentioned above, you'll want a bottle of 151.  I tend not to enjoy this, but some people do.  Fine.  But you see, the point of these parties and this collection is not to "get drunk," or at the very least not to get drunk as a primary motive.  The point is to socialize, to be high class, to enjoy the life of a bon vivant.  To me, 151 is just an excuse to get smashed.  But some people like it.  OK.  Other people also stock Captain Morgan's - for my own reasons, I don't keep this in my collection.  But this takes the rum numbers up to as many as four - like I said, I only keep two, though.  After that, tequila.  One bottle, Cuervo is fine.  If you're so into it that you have to have blue agave or whatever, fine.  For me, tequila is for shooting and for margaritas.  That's it.

Whiskeys, gin, vodka, rum, tequila... that's pretty much your basics right there, what with the variations therein.  Some people keep regional variations as well - sake for Japanese specialists, moonshine for Southerners.  I won't include that here because this is both subjective (my tastes) and generalized.  So let's move into the next addition after spirits - liquors.  But, you may ask, didn't we already cover this?  Ah, but I mean liquors, cordials so to speak.  This can wildly vary.  You probably need at least two or three - I keep seven, other people I know keep far more.  What do I stock?  I keep Goldschlager and Jagermeister because they're necessary for my favorite shot, the Liquid Cocaine.  I keep vermouth for martinis.  I keep Curacao because it's excellent for St. Pat's (green screwdrivers) and because it's a necessary ingredient in my Blue Martinis.  I keep peach schnapps because it's really quite nice, and it's a light drink.  I keep Cointreau because it's necessary for daiquiris and margaritas, and because you can do good stuff experimenting with it.  And I keep Bailey's because, frankly, I have lady friends.  So that's seven.  Your seven can wildly vary, or even be far less - you'll probably need vermouth at least, and a Bailey's/Kahlua variant.  But feel free to have fun with this.

That's really all the alcohol you'll need.  And truth be told, it's a great deal of alcohol.  But within that stock of alcohol, you can make all manner of drinks, and really cover most anyone's reasonable request.  But what else do you need?  Mixers, of course!  Keep on hand Coca-Cola (NOT Pepsi), orange juice, cranberry juice, club soda, tonic water, sour mix (for whiskey sours), lime juice, lemon juice, cherries in their maraschino sauce, olives, and at least one lemon split into wedges and twists.  And you'll need lots of ice.

Hardware?  Not too much, believe it or not.  Most important is a sizable refrigerator with icebox.  In the icebox goes the vodka and the ice, in the refrigerator goes the white wine, the Bailey's or Kahlua, the beer, and the mixers.  Most of your stuff can stay out.  You'll also need a martini shaker, and a jigger measure would be handy.  Have a book of cocktail recipes handy, although you're not a bar and shouldn't be expected to know how to make everything.  A blender would be wise, especially if you're going to make frozen drinks.  And have a long, clean surface to act as bar.  No side table.  And if I were you, I would offer to make drinks.  It's fun, it lets you interact with everyone, and it gives you an eagle eye over your party.

So that's your proper collection.  Is it a lot?  Yes.  Is it worth it?  I'd say so.  A shopping list is at the bottom here... so get to accumulating!  And once you're done putting everything together, shoot me an email and invite me to your first party!
 
 

Shopping list:
Beer (in six packs)
* (Rolling Rock)
* (Brooklyn Lager)
* (Harp)
* (Heineken)
* (Corona)
* (Czechvar)
* (Guinness - four pack)
Red Wine
* (Cabernet/Bordeaux/Cotes du Rhone)
* (Chilean merlot)
* (Australian shiraz)
White Wine
* (dry (Vouvray))
* (sweet (Riesling))
Port/Sherry
* (ruby Porto)
* (tawny Porto)
Whiskey
* (Jack Daniels Tennessee whiskey)
* (small-batch bourbon - Maker's Mark/Booker's)
* (Irish whiskey -  Jameson)
* (blended scotch - Johnnie Walker Black)
* (single-malt scotch - Macallan)
* (single-malt scotch - Glenmorangie)
Gin
* (Tanqueray)
* (Bombay Sapphire)
Vodka
* (Absolut)
* (Grey Goose)
Tequila
* (Jose Cuervo)
Rum
* (Malibu)
* (Bacardi)
Liquors
* (Goldschlager)
* (Jagermeister)
* (Cointreau)
* (Bailey's)
* (Martini and Rossi vermouth)
* (Curacao)
* (Peach schnapps)
Mixers
* (Coca-Cola)
* (tonic water)
* (club soda)
* (sour mix)
* (orange juice)
* (cranberry juice)
* (lime juice/lemon juice/pineapple juice)
* (cherries)
* (olives)
* (lemon wedges/twists)
* ice