| Beating The Odds |
| I lie awake most nights and watch Howie sleep. It's the only thing that seems to keep my mind off the horrific things that go through my mind. The things Nick would have done to me I know would have been worse than what he did to me in that pool. Would have scarred me far worse than I am right now. Oh God! I don't even want to think about it. I know I should see somebody, talk to somebody but then he would know something more violent than those bruises he saw on my arm three months ago. I don't think I've slept a full night since that night and Howie's been understanding but how much can you ask of a man without giving him any reasons to be patient with you? I beat myself up every time he's gone. I've even gone so far as to avoid any social event that would put me in the same room with Nick and I know it's killing Howie to be on that stage with him much less in the same room. I know I'm not to blame for what Nick did but I feel like ever since I came into their lives, I've been nothing but trouble. Nick and Howie did get along before I came along and now that I have.... I just wish that I wasn't the cause. They work together but the media's even speculating as to the cause of the rift between them. And if they only knew what Nick was capable of. A devil hiding behind that innocent boyish facade. I don't know if I can take much more of this. I should be able to trust Howie. He's the love of my life. My best friend. He loves me and I can't tell him this. I can't tell him this why? I haven't figured it out. Maybe I am afraid he'll think I was fucking around on him again with my ex. I'm just so afraid of what it's doing to us. I want him to be able to take me in his arms and make love to me like he use to but every time we try, I push him away. I hate Nick for what he's done to me, what he's done to my relationship. Nick's happy though. He can see what it's done to me just because of my reclusiveness. I'm so antisocial it's not even funny. I stay in most nights and talk to this damn laptop while Howie goes out and joins the others. I know he needs to get out and I know he wants me by his side but I just can't. Not yet. I hope one I can tell him but the longer I wait- |
| The knock on the door interrupted her line of thought. She tried continuing but it came again. She closed the screen and answered it. "Brian." "Hey." "You wanna come in?" "Well that's kinda the general idea when you knock on somebody's door." She half smiled. "Ahh! I almost saw a smile,"he teased. "Well don't get your hopes up. Come on in." "So I take it the crowd scene just wasnt for you again tonight?" He noticed the computer on the bed. "I don't see you going out a lot." "I have different priorities in my life and partying every night isn't exactly one of them." "So how is the little one?"Keeping the subject away from herself for as long as she could. "Keeping Leigh up at night still. I kinda miss it." "You're up now." "Only by choice." "I think the little one's got you on that kind of schedule anyway,"she said opening the screen again. "I didn't come here to talk about me though. I came to see how you were feeling these days." "As good as I can be considering." She started typing. "Considering what?" "I don't know. I'm just not myself anymore. Not who I used to be." "Dianna."He pushed the screen down on the laptop; forcing her to remove her fingers."I don't know what's eating you alive but you've gotta throw me a bone here or something. I just wanna help." His plea was so sincere. Maybe it was time to stop hiding behind that computer screen and make some human contact on this. You're never gonna get past it if you don't. She set the laptop aside and looked at Brian waiting patiently for an answer. She took a deep breath."Okay. I'm gonna start at the beginning." Brian nodded affirmatively. "Well, it all started with what happened at the club that night. Howie had been acting a little weird around me and I couldn't figure out why and he wouldn't tell me so I went to the ladies room and returned in hopes of dealing with the situation but I come back to find another woman draped all over him with no resistence on his part. Well I was pissed off and then Nick." She stopped. "Take your time."He took her hand; reassuring her. |
| Gathering herself she started again."Well....well Nick had to add his two cents before I left so I wasn't in a mood to deal with any man at that point. I came back to the hotel and went up to the heated pool to vent some frustration. Well to make matters worse, Nick."Just the sound of his name made her cringe."Brian, I don't think I can do this."Tears started forming in the corners of her eyes. Rubbing her hand soothingly."It's okay. Just take it slow. You're strong. I know you can." Nick had defeated her. She was so ashamed that she was finding it hard to trust the one man that had been there to rescue her. He was there to help her. She had to trust him. Biting her quivering lower lip to contain it, she continued. "So....so he joined me up there and I couldn't exactly force him to leave. Then he started being that sweet impish guy I first met and..and..I...I...I was upset so I let him comfort me. Well I kissed him and...and things got a little heated and...and...I... I can't do this anymore."Attempting to regain her composure but failing miserably. "Take it easy."Wrapping his arm around her shoulder."You'll get through this. I promise." It was hard to trust any man. Even Howie but he'd given her reason not to and Brian hadn't given her any reasons that would lead her to believe he was untrustworthy. "Well..when I didn't....didn't you know... He nodded. Struggling to keep her emotions in check, she attempted to continue. She looked into those crystal blue eyes filled with nothing but concern for her well being and wished to God she could tell him what needed to be said but the little bit of strength she had mustered up to begin with had faded fast. "I can't do it Brian! I'm sorry but I can't!" The tears flowing freely and abundantly. Her hands covered her face; afraid to let him see all the strength slowly draining from her. He drew her hands from her face."Dianna." She looked up at him blearily."What?" |
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