Disclaimer: No offense is intended in any of the articles contained within this website. All articles are strictly opinion driven and have little or no relevence to anything in particular.
December 12, 2002
Volume 4, Issue 2
Inside This Issue: Letter from the Editor | Abnormal 'masterpieces' | Pep Band News | My 'Ugly Stick' article | A Christmas article for ya'll | 'Innuendos in Music' Series | First East Boredom & More 1st East Poetry | Diary of a Narcoleptic
Letter from the Editor
by Casey Lee PettittDear Readers (all two or so of you),
It has come to my attention that I don't update the site very often. Well guess what! I live a very busy life! Well, not really. But my computer did sort of crash between the last edition and now. So there!
It has also come to my attention that I'm creepy. Just look at my picture. No wait, don't... um... anyway... I know I creep a lot of people out, but it doesn't bother me.
Anyway, if I creep you out, sorry. I don't do it on purpose, it's just who I am.
Right.
So, let's get onto some articles... or whatever...
— Casey Lee Pettitt, editor
Abnormal 'masterpieces'
Why some songs should be burned and forgotten
by Casey Lee PettittHave any of you ever gone to one of our concerts? I would hope so since all of you reading are in the Wind Symphony, too. But for the one person who stumbled to this page by typing "innuendos in music" in Google, have you ever gone to one of our concerts? Did you listen to the music? Did you like it?
If you answered 'yes' to that last question, you should be shot.
Anyway, I'm going to go over some of the pieces we've played in the past and why they should be burned. (Wow! This sure is a violent article so far...)
Gillingham's Ruffle and Flourish: This song should really be called "Ruffle and Crap" if you ask me. It's a brass and percussion piece that, although challenging and fun to look at, it's pretty freakin' dumb. It's all over the place as far as rhythm goes, Gillingham couldn't choose a meter to keep it in so he used, like, thirty, and for horns (at least, fourth horns) it goes from a low A (below the staff) to a high A (above the staff). Geez, Mr. Gillingham! Thanks for thinking of us horn players. My goodness, man! We used it as our opener. Sheesh! Burn it!
Stamp's Four Maryland Songs: Okay, dude... that's right Mr. Stamp, I'm talking to you. This song sucks! Really! I mean it! Not only is the music hokey as hell, but there's a vocal part, too! And it isn't good! Yay! I mean come on! [spoken] "...where the sands and the waters meet"... in a burning heap of music that used to be yours!
Zaninelli's Four American Hymns: I've talked about this "song" before in an article entitled "Zaninelli's first attempt at writing music" or something like that. Find it and read it. It basically gives all the reasons why that song should be burned forever.
Grainger's... well pretty much anything by Grainger should be burned. "The Immovable Do," "Irish Tune from County Derry" or whatever it's called... burn 'em all...
Youtz's Fire Works: When a composer puts a note on the score that he intended the band to sound like a giant drum set... that just means he thinks his song needs to be burned.
Pep Band News
by Casey Lee PettittWait a minute... there is no pep band...
Sheesh... you'd think I'd get it after a while... but noooooo, I keep putting the pep band's news in the Gazette. What's the matter with me? (Don't answer that...)
So... we don't have a pep band...
Hooray!!!
My 'Ugly Stick' article
by Casey Lee PettittHere's a sneak peak at what I'll be doing occasionally next semester for The Whitworthian. I will get to write a few of the articles called 'The Ugly Stick." I'm stoked about this and so here's my "pilot article" that I sent my editor when I asked if I could write 'The Ugly Stick' sometimes:
Where's the power?
I think we should all just stop for a minute and think about something. And let me give you a topic to ponder: How much power do certain people in low-lying jobs actually have? Have we ever actually considered that our lives are in the hands of others? I thought I would compile a list of people on campus who have much more power than we think.
Janitors: This is the first one I came up with and, I think, the nastiest. Now, you may ask, how is it that janitors have a lot of power? Well, I’m glad I asked it for you. Janitors are the ones who clean our bathrooms in our dorms (and everywhere else on campus). They do a great job… for the most part. Sometimes some bathrooms just don’t get the attention they need. That is where their power lies: in toilet cleaning, or rather, toilet non-cleaning. Part of the janitors’ job is to clean the toilets. We depend on those clean toilets for a sanitary place to relieve ourselves. But if those toilets don’t get cleaned, what are we to do? We still need a place to poo (hey, that rhymes). And I don't think that many people are going to want to drive someplace off campus just so they can take a poh-poh in a clean toi-toi. I guess we'll just have to put a bunch of layers of toilet paper on the seat and take a power dump.
Sodexho Personnnel: The cooks probably have the most power. I mean, no one wants to poop on a dirty throne, but we eat cafeteria food every day (where do you think that yummy poopie comes from?). Who knows what the cooks are feeding us? C’mon, the menus don’t determine our selection, the look of the food does. For instance, the menu out front always says soup d’ jour. Do they realize that means soup of the day? It doesn’t really tell us much. And how do you know that Chicken Cacciatore you’re getting is really Chicken Cacciatore? Does anyone even really know what Chicken Cacciatore is? How do you know Chef actually knows what he’s doing? Uh huh. That’s what I thought. You’re just putting faith in the chef that he’ll cook us a meal that won’t kill us. I must admit, though, sometimes when I’m sitting on the toilet after a meal in Saga, I wish I were dead.
Professors: This one is pretty much a given, but we really don’t consider it enough. The professors have the power over our education. We go to class every day… well, most of us go to class every day… then there’s all those slackers (called Mr. Hookie) who wonder why they’re doing badly… Anyway, we go to class every day assuming that Dr. So-and-so has some clue as to what he/she is lecturing about. They could just come up with lectures while sitting on the toilet reading a magazine about fly-fishing or something. Come on, we’ve all had those lectures where you sit there and think, “What the heck is he talking about?” or “Where did that come from?” or “What does this have to do with anything?” We could be learning absolutely nothing in a way that makes it seem as if we actually are learning something. I’m sure there has been many a lecture just like that.
T.A.s: While on the subject of educators, lets take a moment and think about the T.A.s. They are usually the ones who run the study sessions and grade some assignments and test questions. Do they really know what they say they know? Or were they the ones that the professors fell in love with? Or were they just the ones who kissed enough backsides to make it seem like they were doing really well in the class?… stinkin’ Mr. Hookie… Perhaps they’re the ones who sit on the toilet thinking of good lectures.
Information Resources: This is another that pretty much goes without saying, but we really never think of how much power they have over us. This is our Internet we’re talking about, folks. These are the people who don’t allow us to look at porn. Not that I want to look at porn… it’s just that… um… Anyway, here’s the thing… If I’m looking for some good toilet literature, the Internet is a good place to look. You know, just something that can hold me over while I’m doing my business in my “office.” If they decide to do one of their “maintenance” things, what am I supposed to do while the Internet is down? Read a school book? Not read anything? Dare I say… not poop?
Squirrels: Ah, yes. Whitworth's furry little friends. I must warn you of the power they possess: the power to take out the power. I'm sure anyone who was here last year will remember this not-so-little incident involving two squirrels, a power line and a transformer. I’m not sure of exactly how it went, but… There it was. A cute little squirrel, drooling over a power line within reach. It goes up to it, teeth bared and goes in for the kill. Of course, it was the one that was killed… Anyway, the power went out and stayed out for quite a while. But finally, power is restored and all is well on the Whitworth campus. Until Squirrel #2 sees that nice comfortable transformer (very near to dead Squirrel #1). It just wants a nap... or dinner... or a brain... Anyway, now we've got two dead squirrels and another power outage. (I tend to think they were actually the same squirrel, Squirrel #2 being Squirrel #1 reincarnate.) Well at least they didn’t leave little friendlies in our water supply…
As you can see, more power lies around campus than we realize. And sometimes we just don’t appreciate the power.
A Christmas article for ya'll
by Casey Lee Pettitt'Twas about 13 or so days before Christmas and all was well in Warren Hall. Well, I guess all was well... My window was open and was starting to make my room cold, I had two finals earlier in the day, my index and middle toes on my left foot hurt for some reason, there was a bowl with the remains of Campbell's Cream of Chicken soup sitting on my desk (a day old), I was listening to Christmas music and realizing that Christmas was still a while a way...
Well, crap! I guess all wasn't well... sheesh! How crappy is that? I was going home the next day (tomorrow when I'm writing this)... which is good... except I checked out of my room at 8 in the freakin' morning...
Dang!
I can't wait for Christmas...
'Innuendos in Music' Series
by Casey Lee PettittHmm... yeah... I still haven't really figured out any good innuendos in music for this issue. I know last time I said I wasn't going to do it anymore, but sexual innuendos are so stinkin' funny! So I don't know...
Man... what a lame article...
Sublimsexination is something I could talk about... but I don't know how I would apply it to music...
First East Boredom & More 1st East Poetry
by Sam JohnsFirst East Boredom
Bored is what I am today
In this Jesus class o' mine
I'm so bored that I can't think
Of my next line
I'm so bored I want to sleep
All I think of are bombs of sheep
To get out of this class my soul I'd sell
I'd rather be working in McHell
Jesus rose from the dead, did you know that?
I'm gonna hit myself w/ a baseball bat
Dave is doodling, not taking notes
I just rememberd I need a winter coat
I like where I live, my hall rocks
No testicles are safe from Silver Fox
I see Anthony every day
He's gay
Brad's our MC, he's a stand-up guy
Just yesterday he told me to eat shit and die
Mike sleeps all day, kinda like a cat
"Misha, get up, Misha!" Yeah I love hearing that!
The art of great music, The Beatles have mastered
Unlike the Monkees, those no-talent bastards
Brent talks real loud, it makes my ears bleed
What's up, Sandino? DO-YOU-KNOW-WHAT-THAT-MEANS?
Wow, it's late, it's almost 2:11
Hey Casey, wanna watch Se7en?
I'm sorry I couldn't include the rest of you
From the top of my heart to the bottom
Funny story, Brent asked me a question
Then I shot him!
More 1st East PoetryWorms, Worms everywhere
Banana bombs knee deep
Anthony watches Family Guy
While Tidwell tries to sleep
Mike is in Hawaii
Brad stays up real late
I wonder what he does in there
He probably......... reads books
Casey's DVDs were stolen
It appears we have a looter
Brent wants to go running
Well then turn on your computer!!
Sandino is 24
And is also French
Every girl comments
On our 1st East stench
Dave is in my Jesus class
The teacher talks a lot
Rhett plays ball and has a girlfriend
And she's really hot
Brian let Joe in an exit door
They really crossed the line
Too bad Scott saw it all
And gave them both a fine
1st East houses only boys
All 17 of us but then
Since Joe G. and Matt both play football
I guess that makes them men
Andy wants to purify
I first thought he was nuts
But good luck Andy, it will be hard
With Sterling always grabbing your butt
I guess that leaves only me
In band I play low brass
I don't know what else to say
Except that I'm an ass.
Diary of a Narcoleptic
December 2002... and September and October and November, I Suppose
by Casey Lee PettittNote from the Editor/Author: This is a fictional story that really has nothing to do with The Horn Gazette. The name of the diary is Elbow, a name from Shakespeare's Measure for Measure... and it's a funny name...
Dear Elbow,
I'm too tired to write anything