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From the Archives: 11-1-01
Volume 3, Issue 1

Inside This Issue:   Gazette Founder Makes a Comeback  |  Features of the Gazette  |  Percussionists... They Just... ARGH!!  |  If the Saxes Leave Early Then I Am Too!  |  Remember: You Can't Have the Word 'Composer' Without the Word 'Poser'  |  'Innuendos in Music' Series, Part 1  |  Special Band Directors Tribute

Gazette Founder Makes a Comeback
by Casey Lee Pettitt

The Horn Gazette founder, Casey Lee Pettitt (pictured, right) has made a startling comeback with the website (this website) The Horn Gazette: Resurrected. It will feature articles about the French horn, various French horn sections, pointless things, some more stuff about the French horn, a lot of pointless things, as well as some useful and not-so-useful information about just about anything. There may be a little less on the French horn than on other things, but this is called The Horn Gazette... come on... It has to at least say a little about the French horn.

Anyway...

"I hope that this website will help people to sit back, relax, laugh, get pissed off at the same things that piss me off, and laugh some more," says Pettitt. He hopes this website will make it easier for him to continue publishing the Gazette his free time and make it cheaper for him to publish. Come on... mail is getting expensive... email is free... websites make it so emails don't even need to be sent out.

Anyway...

A Short History of the Gazette: It started one day when I was bored in a computer class. Then, after a while, I stopped doing it. Now, I have a website. I've dropped the "tag line" (I guess you could call it that), "Pointless News from an Almost Pointless Section." One reason is because it's really long, and another is because however pointless the news may be, the horn section is far from pointless...

Anyway...

Enjoy the website and send all comments, hate mail, and report problems with the site to [email protected].

Features of the Gazette
by Casey Lee Pettitt

The Horn Gazette has many exciting new features. First off, it's online. I mean, come on... what else do you need. But you can also access the archive of the articles that have appeared in the Gazette. If that's not the most exciting thing, I don't know what is. Unless, of course, you think something else is more exciting than reading back issues of The Horn Gazette...

Another really neat thing about this site is that you can send in original articles to have them published online. Isn't that neat? I think it is... of course... I am the creator of this site... so... nevermind...

I guess that's about all there is to this site...

Percussionists... They Just... ARGH!!
by Casey Lee Pettitt

Okay... I don't know how many people know this, but I hate percussionists... well... hate is a pretty strong word, isn't it? Loathe is more like it...

Percussionists are constantly banging on whatever they can find... wait... let me rephrase that... Percussionists are always drumming on whatever they can find. In band, if they aren't playing a part in a song... they play anyway... When the director is working with one section, it's like the percussionists think they're part of that section. For example, when the director wants to work on a part with the woodwinds, the percussionists play along. Hello!! The last time I checked, the percussion section wasn't part of the woodwind section. Sheesh!

And what's really annoying is when you got the keyboards (i.e., marimba, xylophone, bells, etc.) right behind you and they think that if they just tap the keys with their fingers that no one can hear the sound. Argh! Or when they play on the floor thinking they're being really quiet when, in fact, it's just as annoying as when they play on the real drum!

I don't mind it when people talk during band. I don't find that annoying so much. I do it, too. But some percussionists just don't understand the concept of whispering... That's all I have to say about that part...

I don't know... I just think percussionists are just the most obnoxious people and they think they're the only people around. Even outside the band room they're constantly drumming on just about everything...

ARGH!!!

(Without the letter 'x', they would have to play a ylophone.)

If the Saxes Leave Early Then I Am Too!
by Casey Lee Pettitt

You wanna know a good way to piss people off? Let the saxophones leave rehearsal early. It's understandable when they don't all play every song. What isn't understandable is why we have too many saxes. Why do we have that many alto sax players that they don't all play all the songs? Doesn't it make more sense to only have one per part? C'mon!

I suppose it wouldn't be so bad if they didn't walk right in front of us on their way out. Holy smacks! Talk about gloating! Sheesh... I suppose they have to walk right in front of us, though... because we're between them and the door... but that's beside the point. The point is that they should have to sit through the entire rehearsal like the rest of us. The horns don't play the third movement of "Four Dances from 'West Side Story.'" Can we leave during that movement? Of course not! Why would we be able to? The saxes get to, but we can't!

So... that's what really pisses me of about the sax section... and I know it doesn't make other people very happy either...

Remember: You Can't Have the Word 'Composer' Without the Word 'Poser'
by Casey Lee Pettitt

com- [ < com-, with ] prefix with, together
Also used as an intensive

pos·er (pz'r) n. a person who poses; esp., a poseur (one who assumes attitudes or manners merely for effect)

'Innuendos in Music' Series, Part 1: Subdivisions
by Casey Lee Pettitt

This makes me laugh. Sitting in a sectional one day (yes, that's pretty much all we do in sectionals), we started finding better ways to subdivide. You know how the director always says to subdivide? They give examples even, such as "Amsterdam" for triplets and... well... I can't think of anymore... Anyway... Here's a list of things you can say in your head to help you subdivide:

1 = Quarter note = "sex"
2 = Eighth notes = "sexy"
3 = Triplet = "intercourse"
4 = Sixteenth notes = "reproduction"
5 = Pentuplet(?) = "homosexual"
6 = Sextuplet = "sexual intercourse"
7 = 7-tuplet(?) = "homosexuality"

Hope this helps! If you have any ideas for bigger subdivisions, email them to me!

Next time: 'Innuendos in Music' Series, Part 2: Classical Music Titles

Special Band Directors Tribute Band Directors and Their Many Moods by Casey Lee Pettitt Band directors don't like their students to know when they are happy. They don't like them to know when they are mad. So I have made this list (with pictures!) of band directors and their many moods. I hope this is helpful. Happy, Sad, Mad, Worried, Anxious, Afraid, Depressed, Dismal, Blissful, Pensive, Perverted, Tired, Mellow, Horny, Relaxed, Psyched, Intimidated, Exhilirated, Optimistic, Pessimistic, Rundown, Giddy, Frantic, Pissed Off, Ill, Elated, Confused, Manly, Ecstatic, Indecisive, Distracted, Bored and Indifferent. Everything I Ever Need to Know About Lying I Learned From My Band Directors by Casey Lee Pettitt You know how band directors always say, "Okay, last time" and it never is? Yeah, well that's only one of many lies that band directors tell us. Here's a short list of all the lies band directors tell us. (Note: these aren't necessarily lies all the time... but most of the time.) "One more time." (This really means, "We're gonna keep playing this until you can get it right.") "Let's play this straight through without stopping." (This mean, "If I hear one mistake, I mean just one mistake, we're going to stop and work on that spot 'one more time.'") "Last time." (This means, "This is the last time if you get it right." See also "One more time.") Okay... that's all I can think of right now. But it's true, isn't it? Those are lies. Lies lies lies. Is that what band directors go to school for; to learn how to lie? Or does it just come naturally? I know that only listing three doesn't help my case much, but, seriously, those are pretty big lies, aren't they? 'Yeah Meter' Just Doesn't Work by Casey Lee Pettitt While in Jazz Ensemble in high school, I counted every occurrence of the word "schmooze" spoken by our director, Mr. Carl. This year, it has been noticed that the Whitworth College Wind Ensemble director, Dr. Strauch, has a similar word in his vocabulary. This word, however, is more used in the vocabulary of just about anyone than the word "schmooze." This word is "yeah." If, for just one day, I counted how many times Dr. Strauch said "yeah," I'm sure it would surpass the 56 times that Mr. Carl said "schmooze" in 26 days. Dr. Strauch says "yeah" when he cuts us off, when he answers a question, when he really isn't sure what he wants to happen at a certain point in the music, and even when he's just thinking to himself. Here are some examples of these uses: [The band is playing and he cuts us off] "Yeeeah, um. Can I just hear the woodwinds at measure 222?" Student: "Do you want only one person on a part there or should we all play?" Dr. Strauch: "Yeeeah, let's try it with just one of you for now." [Dr. Strauch ponders score for a moment] "Yeeeah, I think I'm going to conduct eighths right there." [Dr. Strauch ponders score for another moment] "Yeeeah.... yeah... yeah, okay, let's start right at measure 397." During the course of one hour-and-a-half rehearsal, Dr. Strauch says "yeah" a lot. Brooke and I tried keeping track one day of how many times he said it, but it was just too difficult. If we weren't paying attention the closest we possibly could, we would miss a "yeah" or five. Besides, "Yeah Meter" just doesn't have the same ring to it as "Schmooze Meter." And there's always next year.