After Zac left the rehearsal dinner early I figured it'd be best to go after him. I didn't really notice he was gone until a few minutes after he left, and when he did he was looking particularly nervous. I normally wouldn't have gone after him but I had a horrible feeling that something was going to happen. I was positive it was nothing but the aching wouldn't go away.
I went upstairs to the hotel room Zac and I were sharing for the night. The door was locked so I unlocked it and went inside. To my surprise there wasn't anybody there. Knowing Zac, he might have decided to look around the hotel before settling in the room. I decided just to wait for him. I took off my jacket and tossed it on the bed, causing a couple pieces of paper to ruffle. Confused, I sat down on it and picked it up.
To whoever finds this:
If you're not my parents or one of my older brothers, please give this to them. Otherwise, hi. It's Zac. I don't know if you've found out yet or not, but I've made a very important decision. As I'm writing this right now, I'm not quite sure when and where this is going to happen, but I know it will happen soon. I've decided to kill myself...
My eyes immediately widened and I couldn't read any further. There were a few pages of his goodbye and I knew I really should have read all of it, but I put it down and looked around the room. "Zac?" I called out. Even I could hear the fear in my own voice. I didn't hear a reply. "Zac!" I began scampering around the room, checking every possible place where he could be. I ran into the bathroom, checked the shower and the tub and even the closet and the cabinets under the sink. Zac wouldn't fit into a cabinet but in my haste I seemed to have forgotten that. I ran back outside in the main room and opened up the closet. Nothing.
My eyes scanned around the room and then I noticed two doors leading out to a balcony. "Oh...oh no. No he did not!" I said to myself, running to the balcony and opening the door. I froze a moment, afraid to look over the railing. A wind picked up and it grew cold; I began to shiver. I took a step onto the balcony, my fists clenching up in fright. If it was all one big joke I was going to kill him myself but something in the back of my mind told me that this was no joke. Zac had been pretty serious about this before, but I never actually thought he'd go through with it.
I closed my eyes and put my hands on the railing, forcing myself to the edge. I pulled myself against the railing and directed my point of view down, but still kept my eyes tightly shut. I couldn't do it. I couldn't look. If he was down there I didn't know what I'd do. I stood there, waiting for Zac to pop out and grab my shoulders, playfully shoving me, pretending to push me over the side. I waited for him to yell 'gotcha!' and this cloak over my heart will disappear. I'd be so relieved...I waited to be relieved.
When it didn't come I felt tears welling in my eyes. They stung, forcing me to open my eyes but I shook my head no. I couldn't look. "Just fucking do it!" I opened my eyes and my vision was blurred. The tears ran down my face and I blinked a couple of times, the effort nearly impossible. I looked down at the ground and I saw him. He was down there. "Oh my God!" I saw the splatter of blood and the crack in the pavement. "No! No, God no!" This couldn't be true. It couldn't be true. He was scamming me. He didn't do this to me.
I ran out of the room and into the elevator, the seconds seeming like hours to the ground floor. I ran out to the back of the building, ignoring a shout from one of the personnel to "stop running in the hotel" but I ignored it and ran outside. The wind was more prominent down here and it was nearly freezing.
I saw him, maybe a hundred feet away. I ran to him, crying hard but I froze when I was close enough to see him. He was definitely not faking. The blood...my entire body began to shake at the site of the blood. The blood was real, splattered along the pavement and seeping from his head. His face was sideways, his eyes open. I had to look away; they seemed to bore right into me. Why didn't I notice that he was gone sooner? I could have stopped this...I should have stopped this. It wasn't real! It wasn't real!
I looked at his clothes--his black boots, his baggy jeans, and his holy t-shirt. It was Zac. That was proof enough. I dropped on my knees next to him, crying harder. He wasn't breathing, wasn't moving. He was dead and I wasn't there to stop him...I hade to do something about this. I couldn't just leave him there. I reached in my pocket and pulled out my cell phone, dialing 911. I put the phone to my ear and tried to calm myself down so I could talk to who answered.
"911, what is your emergency?"
"My name is Taylor Hanson, I'm at the Hilton Hotel on 22nd street, in the back of the building. My brother just jumped off the balcony."
"Can you see his body?"
"I'm downstairs, I'm right next to him."
"Check for a pulse. Put your index finger and middle finger on the side of his neck, next to his Adam's Apple." Taking in a deep breath, I followed her instructions and checked for a pulse.
"No, he doesn't have anything."
"Is he breathing?"
"No!"
"Stay on the line, we have an ambulance on its way." I kept listening to what the lady said to me until I heard sirens at the front of the building and a medic crew came out through the doors to the lobby. They surrounded Zac and I stood back, watching. I hung up with the woman and put the phone back in my pocket. I didn't know what they were doing to Zac but as long as it helped, I wanted them to do it. They kept talking and it sounded like a foreign language to me because of all the medical terms and abbreviations.
They put Zac on a stretcher and wheeled him around the building, making sure not to go inside to disturb the hotel's guests. I saw most of the people from the rehearsal dinner in the lobby, wondering what was going on. I stood there, torn between riding in the ambulance with Zac to the hospital or telling my family what happened. In the end I decided to stay. I asked what hospital they were bringing my little brother to, and then I ran into the lobby.
"Taylor? What's going on?" my mother asked, appearing in front of me with my father. Ike stood nearby with Rose. Wide-eyed, I looked over the faces of my family and held back my emotion. I hid my hands behind my back in an attempt to hide Zac's blood that was all over me. "Why were you out there?" I didn't want to say anything to my mother.
"It's..." I choked up and felt tears running down my face. "It's Zac."
"Zac? What happened?"
"He jumped off the balcony," I whispered, my voice not able to go any higher. Her face said enough as she turned to my father and began to cry.
"Are you sure?" Ike asked, still in a state of shock. I nodded, so lost that I put a hand against my forehead, unknowingly wiping Zac's blood on my skin and hair. Ike noticed and his eyes began to bulge.
"He...he left a note and everything. I didn't read it all but he said he was going to kill himself and then I searched the room and I realized he'd jumped off the balcony and I looked out and there he was..." I took in a deep breath. "I knew something was going to happen! I knew it! I just didn't get there in time. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry..."
"Taylor, it's not your fault."
As I broke down, I could only wish that were true.
Our family sat in a private waiting room at the hospital about an hour later with still no word about Zac. I didn't know what they were doing to him, but when I found him he was dead. I knew he was dead. I was not a doctor so I could be wrong; there still could be a way to save him. I didn't know how long he was out there before I found him--it couldn't have been more than ten minutes--but I knew time was a big factor.
My mother was crying and had been crying since we arrived at the same hospital Rose had her baby a few months before. Rose and Ike were still in shock, sitting in the uncomfortable chairs staring at nothing. I wavered in and out of the two extremes. This wasn't anything like what happened before. Last time Zac cut his wrists. He'd just lost a lot of blood and he passed out, he didn't jump off a seventh story balcony. I scared out of my mind that he really might be dead.
A couple of minutes later a doctor entered the waiting room. I didn't like the look on his face. He wasn't happy. I immediately feared the worst. No one dared to ask how Zac was doing. If no one said anything, no one would have to know and we'd still at least have the hope that Zac was still alive. It didn't work, because the doctor began to speak anyway.
"I'm sorry," he said. My mother put her hands over her mouth and began to scream. "Zac suffered a crumbled skull and major brain damage along with several broken bones as a result of the fall. He wasn't breathing and he had no pulse when he came here and we were unable to resuscitate him. We tried everything we could."
"So, he's dead?" I asked.
"I'm afraid so." I went numb. The doctor apologized again and left us alone to react. I didn't know how to react. I spent my life with the knowledge that Zac was my responsibility but I was too obsessed with myself to help him when he needed it the most.
I left the hospital with Ike and Rose shortly after we heard the news. The last thing I wanted to do was go back to the hotel where it happened, to the same room where it happened, but it was too late to drive back home. Ike and Rose immediately put the wedding on hold. There was no way they could be happy and get married after such a tragedy. My mother said that after I got my things from the room I could go to another one if I wanted, but I decided against it. I didn't want to burden anyone else. I could just stay in there alone and handle it by myself.
Once back in the hotel, I went upstairs to the room. The front door and the balcony door were both still open. Shaking, I went inside and closed both doors. The room was chilly so I climbed under the covers of the bed, not bothering to change, and picked up the note that was still lying there. I wondered when the police were going to come around and investigate. I knew they'd confiscate the note and I wanted to read it first. I opened it up again and began to read from the beginning.
To whoever finds this:
If you're not my parents or one of my older brothers, please give this to them. Otherwise, hi. It's Zac. I don't know if you've found out yet or not, but I've made a very important decision. As I'm writing this right now, I'm not quite sure when and where this is going to happen, but I know it will happen soon. I've decided to kill myself. I know you won't approve, so that's why I didn't mention anything. I mean, why would you? It's a life at stake...but that's beside the point. I need to explain why and clear up as many questions that you might be thinking of. I know I won't be able to answer them because I won't be around.
First off, I want to start of by saying it's not your fault. This is my problem and this is the only way I know how to get out of it. Mom and Dad, you've been the best parents I could ever hope for. As much as I may not show it, and as much as I still might be mad at you for making me stop seeing Joy, I know you're only doing what you think is right. I respect you very much for that. I do have to tell you that Joy helped me so much more than I ever let on, and I only reverted to the way I was before because I didn't let myself move on. That's not your fault either. I love you both very much and if I thought for a moment that I had another way out I would take it, but I don't see anything else. I don't mean to cause you any pain but I know I will. I apologize from the bottom of my heart for that.
Ike, I'm so sorry that this has to happen at your wedding. I know now exactly how I'm going to do it, and if you feel at all responsible for it, don't. It's not your fault. It was just that I heard about us staying on the seventh floor and I knew I'd have to do it by jumping off the balcony. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I had to ruin your day. Typical me, it's supposed to be someone else's time to shine and I have to go and bring all the attention to me, as unwanted as that is. I do have to say one thing; I avoided having that conversation with you about me quitting the band because I knew you wouldn't let me do it. Well, now there's really nothing we can do about it. I know me killing myself is really affecting you and Taylor because of the band and everything, but if you can find it in your heart to keep going I'd really appreciate it. It might not be the same without me but the last thing I ever wanted to do was take your music from you. That's why I kept my unhappiness a secret for so long. I wish you much luck with Rose. I know I never really said I liked her very much, but she's a wonderful person and she makes you happy so I couldn't ask for more. You'll be a great husband and you'll be the best damn father Ryan could have because you've been a great one to the rest of us. I just hope there are more where he came from. Lots more. I know I may not show it, and this is one of my greatest regrets, but I love you Ike. You're such a wonderful person. You've always been there for me and I couldn't have made it this far without you. You made me realize so many things, you've led me through so many trials and tribulations and I think you're the best guy in the world for it. I'll miss you. Take care of yourself and your family. I know you'll live a happy life.
Taylor, I know we've had our troubles lately. I don't know why I've been such a bastard towards you, but I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I love you so much; you're the greatest older brother a kid could have. You're beautiful and as much as you may not see it, you'll never be fat. I'm so happy that you've been able to overcome this bulimia thing because it hurt me so much to know that you were suffering like that. I've taken to heart everything you've ever showed me, every mistake you've made I've learned from. I hate that I started the drugs and the smoking when you told me not to, it's not your fault. I was so determined for an escape that nothing could have stopped me. How was I supposed to know that it wouldn't work? Well, anyway, although there have been times when I completely hated your guts for yelling at me because I was always late, I always looked up to you, admired you because you taught me through experience that you're a great person. I don't know if Ike has told you or not, if Ike even knows, if anyone even knows, but the reason I was always late to the shows was because I was locked in a room in the back of the arena, my knees pulled to my chest, shaking and crying and trying to convince myself to go out in front of the crowd. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't go out in front of that many people. I've never liked being in front of people and there always seemed to be so many of them...I was afraid I'd fuck up and they'd analyze me, laugh at me, boo me off the stage. I guess I was just so afraid of failing that I didn't want to even try. I hated going in front of cameras, I hated being on television, I hated it all because I was put on show for being someone I'm not. They all pictured me as that little wacky kid who made odd sounds and was so weird but cute at the same time. I'm not like that. You know I'm not like that. I felt like I had to play a part all the time and after a while I completely forgot who I was. In the search to find myself, I ended up at a dead end with no way out. And I'm sorry but I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take playing that part that I hated, I couldn't take being in front of people and acting all the time. I have to get out and this is the only way I can.
So Mom, Dad, Ike, and Tay, make sure to tell the rest of the kids that I love them very much and I'm sorry I have to get out this way. I don't think I can apologize enough times for the hurt to go away, but I'm truly sorry for this but I don't know another way. I've tried other ways, I've tried to escape the problem and I've tried hitting it head on, but everything didn't work. The thought of killing myself popped up and for a while I was just like 'no, don't do that' but I ended up fighting a long and brutal battle in my mind. In the end the suicides won and this is where I am. I'm at the end of my rope, an all time low. I know now what I have to do. The only way to get rid of this suffering is to end my life completely. I love you all so much and I wish there was another way...but there isn't. I wish I could embrace you all one last time, at least say goodbye and I love you in person, but I can't do that. If I do that, you'll know what I'm trying to do and you'll do whatever you can to stop me. That won't work. I can't let you stop me. So this is just going to have to be it. I want to say so much more but I don't know what it is. I'm sure I'm forgetting so much and I hate it because I'll never be able to say it to you, but if there's anything left unsaid say it to yourself because you know I mean it. I love you all so much, so much more than I could ever imagine, and I'll miss you all. I'm sorry. Please don't blame yourselves for any of this. It's entirely my fault and none of yours. You all did what you needed to do and you couldn't do any more.
I guess this is it. Goodbye, I'll miss you and l love you.
Zac
I put the note down and began to sob into my hands. He specifically told me not to blame myself but I had to. I could have stopped him. Just a few more minutes and I could have stopped him. I could have talked him out of it. If Mom had known how serious he was, she would have let him go back to Joy! She would have gotten him help...but none of us really took him seriously. Then again, none of us knew the extent of Zac's problems. None of us knew how badly he was hurting, or that he'd actually go to such lengths to get rid of his pain.
I could have done so much more, said so much more but I didn't and it was my fault. I could have done so much to stop him if only I knew. I didn't know. I didn't know anything. This letter seemed like such a desperate cry for help. I could tell Zac really didn't want to kill himself, he just didn't know any other way. I could have shown him the other ways. It was too late.
The door opened and Ike walked in. "Are you okay in here?" he asked, closing the door behind him. I nodded, wiping away my tears. "You sure? I'm in my room by myself and you could come in there if you wanted to."
"No...no I'm fine in here."
"What are you reading?" he asked, gesturing to the paper on the bed.
"Zac's suicide note."
"It looks a little bit more than a note," Ike said, walking in the room and sitting down on the bed next to me.
"Yeah, he had a lot to say and I'm sure he wanted to say more." Ike began to read, his eyes brimming with tears as he did. I didn't want to watch him; I was crying hard enough by myself. Ike was halfway through it when he had to stop. It's just all a big shock, my brother, the one I would have done anything to help, was dead, and not because of an accident, or a disease, or even at the hand of somebody else. He did it to himself.
"God, Taylor, why did he have to be so stupid?"
"Because he didn't know any other way."
We sat in silence for a few minutes, frozen to the core and numb to all emotion. I didn't feel anything. It hurt me more than I could imagine that I wasn't feeling bad enough about my little brother's death.