The funeral took place a few days after Zac's death back in the city. Mom housed a few of the wedding guests at home but the rest were staying in hotels in the city. Rose and I decided to put the wedding on hold for another week or two, until people got over the shock...until we got over the shock. As each day went by it was harder and harder to function with the knowledge that Zac was dead.
Taylor hadn't slept since it happened three days ago. He stopped eating but Rose was trying her best to make him. He was been staying with Rose and I because he didn't want to be at home, living in the room that Zac lived in and wouldn't leave the last days of his life.
The morning of the funeral I found Taylor sitting in the dark living room, the shades shut to keep the sunshine away. He was wearing black dress pants and a black dress shirt, two of the top buttons undone. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows and his black suit coat was lying on the couch next to him. His cheeks were sunken in and he had black circles around his eyes. He was clean (no matter what tragedy, Taylor would always find a way to be clean) but he looked right back into the rhythm of the life he'd spent six weeks in a clinic in California to get away from. Three days and a dead little brother was enough to make him look like he was sick again.
"Hey Tay," I said, sitting across from him. Now that I was closer I could see his red, swollen eyes from probably crying all night. I knew he hated himself; I couldn't blame him. He found Zac. I hadn't seen Zac's body; I had no proof that he was gone but Taylor found him. He was right there, tried to save him even, but he couldn't. Taylor blamed himself.
Taylor didn't move in response to my voice. I saw a fresh tear fall down his cheek but he didn't bother to acknowledge it or me. "We're going to have to leave soon," I said, trying to get some kind of reaction out of him. "We have to be at the church in about a half an hour."
"Zac doesn't want a church ceremony and you know that."
"He doesn't really have a choice. We can't change that now." He took in a deep breath, his entire body shaking as his lungs filled with air. Suddenly he stood up, his knees shaking even more and he needed to hold onto the couch to help him stand. I didn't know whether it was nerves or the fact that he hadn't eaten, but I knew he needed to have some kind of nourishment before he left. "Tay, you need to eat something."
"I'm fine."
"Taylor, you know what happened before. You need to eat something before we go, and you need to keep it down." Taylor shook his head and began to walk to the other room. "Taylor, I'm serious. You're not going to screw yourself over again just because of this."
"Stop acting like the dog died and I'm taking it hard, Ike! Our little brother killed himself! Everybody saw it coming and nobody did anything about it! We should have done something."
"We couldn't have done anything..."
"Yes we could! All we had to do was send him back to Joy and this wouldn't have happened!" He turned to me, his face white. "She helped him and if he saw her at the end he would still be here...he wouldn't have...he wouldn't have..."
"Taylor, there's nothing we can do about it now."
"How can you be so calm about this? Do you feel no remorse at all? Ike, your little brother just died! He's never going to come back. You knew and you didn't do anything about it," he spat at me, trying to place some of his guilt onto me. I knew he was facing a lot, and I knew he didn't want to go to the funeral, but our mother required all of us to go.
"Well neither did you, Taylor."
"What could I do?" he asked, running his shaking hands through his hair. "I was gone. I didn't even get here until a few weeks beforehand. I tried to get to him in the hotel but when I got to the room...I was too late."
"It's not your fault, Taylor."
"Yes it is," he said. "Do you know the last thing I said to him before he died?" I opened my mouth to stop Taylor from continuing but he kept speaking anyway. "I told him 'Goddammit, Zac, why don't you do us all a favor and go away?' Well that's exactly what he did. He went upstairs and jumped off a balcony." Taylor turned away. Before I could even respond to him, Rose came down the stairs in a simple black dress, holding Ryan in her arms. I didn't want to have this discussion with Rose around. She walked up to us, unsure of what to say.
"Are we going to go?" she quietly asked. I nodded.
"Right after Taylor eats something." Rose turned immediately to Taylor, who was still facing away. She tried to turn him around but as soon as she touched him he walked away. "I'm serious, Tay! We're not leaving until you eat something!"
"Ugh! Stop it! I'm going to be okay! I'm so fucking worried about my family and my dead little brother that I don't want to think about myself right now! Leave me alone!"
"I just don't want you to end up like him!" I yelled and an awkward, painful silence fell over the room. "Let's just go." Taylor followed close behind me as we walked out of the house and to the car. Rose sat in the back seat with Ryan while I drove and Taylor sat in the front. I drove to the church, everyone in complete silence in the car except for the gurgling child in the back seat. Ryan provided a bit of relief, seeing a spark of brand-new life despite the fact that we were going to a funeral.
I parked the car and nobody moved. I could see my mother fussing with my littlest sister right outside the entrance of the church. Sighing, I got out of the car. Rose got out as well with Ryan, but when I looked back, Taylor was still in his seat. I walked to his side of the car. All he'd done was take off his seat belt and looked like he refused to budge.
"Are you coming?" I asked. He shook his head. "Come on, Taylor. Mom is expecting you to sit next to her. They want you to sing." He shook his head again fervently, curling up into a little ball in the front seat. It reminded me of the way Zac used to act when he was afraid. I pushed the memory away and forced the tears in my eyes to go away. I couldn't let anyone see me cry. "Get out of the car, Taylor."
"No! I can't do it! I can't go in there! Everyone's going to be crying and upset...there are cameras in there."
"Taylor, there are no cameras in there. This is a private ceremony. We've got top security around here to make sure they don't come to bother us." Taylor huffed and looked the other way. "You don't have to sing, you don't have to say anything...just go inside."
"Are there fans?"
"No."
"Press?"
"No."
"Okay." He let himself out of the little ball and out of the car. He put on his coat but didn't bother to button up his shirt. Putting his hands in his pockets, he slowly followed me towards the church. I opened the door and let him in first. As he went inside, I saw a news channel van pull into the church parking lot. My face turning to scowl, I walked quickly into the church.
Everything was silent. Most of the people were in there already and I felt quite a few sad, teary eyes on me as I walked down the main aisle towards the front of the church. I sat down next to Rose, who was already seated, and Taylor sat on the other side of me on the aisle. On the other side of Rose was my mother. I leaned over to her.
"I saw a news crew pulling in outside," I told her. She nodded. "Should we do something about it?" She shook her head. "Okay." I leaned back in my chair, facing the front of the church.
A few minutes later the funeral began. Taylor remained reserved, staring at the ground as the shiny brown casket was carried down the aisle. As soon as it came into my view, I looked down and tried to keep it out of my sight. Just knowing my little brother's body was there with us..I was ready to let myself go.
Isaac was the only one calm through the entire ceremony. He was also the only one who gave a eulogy. He seemed like he didn't care. Why wasn't he like the rest of us? He remained completely stoic and it hurt to know that he didn't care. This was his little brother and he didn't care! That hurt. Ike walked silently up to the podium, his expression the same it had been the past few days since Zac...since Zac...died. He went straight to the podium, adjusted the microphone, and began to speak.
"I don't know what to say about Zac. They asked me to speak; I knew nobody else would so I agreed," he said and then cleared his throat. "It seems everybody knew what Zac was going to do, it was only a matter of when he was going to do it. Everybody just gave up hope on him. I'm not saying it was the right thing to do but it was the only thing we could do. We tried to help him but he was beyond help at that point." His eyes drifted slowly over to the casket. "At least he's at peace now. He was so obviously hurting for so long." Isaac drew in a deep breath and I wondered if he was going to lose it. Ike never lost his cool, and as much as I wanted him to express his emotions sometimes, I didn't think he could handle losing it in front of this many people.
"I knew he was going to kill himself--I even caught him, twice, trying. I knew he needed help and I knew where to get it but I was so busy with everything else he just sort of went to the back burner and I forgot about his problems. It's easy to forget a problem when you don't want to believe it's there." He paused. "But I didn't come here to say how Zac died. We were there. We know how sad it is. We're here. I'm here to celebrate his life. He was barely sixteen and he accomplished more than most people could even dream. He saw more than any normal person had ever seen. He'd been to nearly every country, promoting, touring, and singing his heart out. He loved to sing. All he ever wanted to do since he was a baby was sing with his big brothers. We let him and we gave him the chance of a lifetime. At eleven he had a number one single and was considered a celebrity before he even knew what was going on. Night after night he sang for thousands of people. He touched so many people with just a voice and a handshake. I don't know if he knew how many people he made happy just doing what he did on a daily basis...what he considered just another day on the job. Although he wanted nothing to do with fame, it came easily to him. It was what made him and ultimately what broke him. He was loved as an idol, as much as he hated it, but he was also loved as a friend, a son, and a brother. He just never saw it. He couldn't see how many people loved him and how many people wanted to help him. All he could see were the things that were going wrong. If I could go back, I would have done everything I could to change that, but it's done and over with now. So now I have to say goodbye to my brother...something I never thought I'd have to do."
Isaac stepped away from the podium and walked back down the main aisle. He sat back down next to me. "I was expecting you to stop and cry," I said, disappointed. "But then I figured since you're dead inside and all..."
"Taylor, shut up."
"The least you could do was shed a tear for your dead little brother."
"Taylor, shut up! You're saying I'm dead inside but you have the audacity to talk about Zac like that? Have some respect! I may not be crying but at least I have respect."
"Whatever." I looked up to the front of the church but the first thing my eye caught was Zac's casket. I tore my eyes quickly away but all I could see was his face. They'd put up countless but honest pictures. Zac as a baby, Zac as a child, Zac as a child trying to act happy when he wanted to be anywhere but in front of the camera. They showed Zac as a teenager as he began his withdrawal, and finally a bold black and white of Zac in his "comfort position" with a cigarette in his mouth. That couldn't have been more than a month ago.
The funeral ended shortly afterwards. The casket and the pallbearers went first, my family and I following close behind. Isaac stood in front of me, guarding me like I used to guard Zac all the time. It was why I felt so responsible for his death. It was my job to protect him, safeguard him from everyone and everything in the world that he was forced to face everyday. I never thought about protecting him from himself. I should have, though, and he died because I failed to protect him like I promised myself I would long ago.
When we got outside there were TV and cameras and things and Isaac blocked them from my view. I could feel him grip my hand tightly like I was a child, and even though I wasn't, I felt like one amidst the sudden pandemonium. Everything was happening all at once. Reporters were asking questions, obscene questions, and people were talking all around me. I could still hear the organ inside the church; it was getting fainter as I had to run down the steps and to the car. Once I got inside, all the madness went away.
My mother sat across from us in the limo--we can't even be normal at a funeral. We had to take an expensive limo to the gravesite. Zac would have hated this funeral. He would complain about the service, about Ike's eulogy, about the cars we took to the gravesite, but most of all he'd complain about the news crew that showed up. Ike said that they weren't going to show up but the moment I left the church there they were, trying to make their deadline for the evening news.
The gravesite was on the outskirts of the cemetery. By the time we arrived the casket was ready to be lowered. My little sister Zoe stood next to me, unsure of what was going on. She tugged on my coat. I looked down. She raised her arms and said, "Pick me up." Leaning over, I lifted her off the ground and carried her in my arms. She put her head against my chest. "Why's everyone crying? Where's Zac?"
I was afraid she was going to ask that. "He's gone," I told her.
"Oh. When's he coming back?"
"He's not."
"Oh." She turned her head and looked over at the gravesite. "Will I ever see him again?" she asked. I nodded.
"Yeah, sweetie, I'm sure we will."