A week later I caught a plane early in the morning in New York to fly to Tulsa to see my girlfriend. We'd talked for a few minutes the previous day, finalizing where and when I was getting picked up (by her mother, which was incredibly odd) so I could go see her. I didn't bring anything with me besides something to read on the plane because I'd be taking a flight back to New York around three o'clock so I could be back with enough time to get to the performance hall for the show that night. It was cutting it close, but I think I'd get there in enough time. We could speed up sound check and I really didn't need to be there for anything until then.
I do admit it took an arm and a leg to get me here. I don't know how I convinced everybody to do it, but they managed to let me leave for a few hours so I could see my girlfriend and hear this news she was going to give me. I had no idea what it could be. I can't even begin to guess what it could be. She wouldn't give me any clues, which makes it sound like it's some kind of present that I'm trying to guess, so I'm still jittery because I have no idea. It could be anything.
When I walked out of the terminal, Rose's mother was there waiting for me. She walked up to me and gave me a hug. "Has she told you yet?" she asked, looking up at me.
"No," I said. "That's why I'm here. She didn't want to tell me over the phone." It really started to get to me. Her mother knows and I'm sitting here looking like an idiot. I didn't want her mother to tell me, so I didn't ask.
"All right. Let's go. I know you have to get back here soon and you'll want some time to think things through. Do you have any bags?" she asked, glancing at the magazine in my hand. I shook my head. "Then we can go straight home." Her mother led me to the car and we drove to Rose's house. "Go right upstairs, she'll be thrilled to see you."
I went up the stairs and to Rose's room. My hands were shaking in nervousness. The entire house seemed to have tension and it worried me. Whatever this was, it was big. I knocked on Rose's door and let out a weary breath before opening it. "Rose?" I asked, poking my head in. She looked up and I entered the room.
"Ike! You're here!" She got off the bed and began to walk to me. The first thing my eyes landed on wasn't her face, the slender pale skin that made me fall in love with her. I didn't look at her long hair or her beautiful eyes, but her stomach. It was much larger than the last time I saw her.
"You're pregnant."
"That's the news, Ike," she said, not taking a step closer to me. "I'm pregnant. You're going to be a father."
I could imagine the look of horror on my face when she told me. It was probably enough to make her want to push me out of the room and never see me again, but she kept a smile on her face. She was happy about this? Well, I guess she'd had enough time to think about it if she was that big already. She didn't say anything to me, waiting for me to respond. I didn't know what to say. This wasn't something I could just go "um, okay..." and forget about it. This was something I'd have to deal with for the rest of my life.
"Oh my God..."
"You better sit down," she said, reaching out for me. I felt her soft grip on my shoulders and she set me down on a nearby chair. "Listen, honey, I know this is a lot to handle right now and that was why I didn't want you to just stop by in between shows. I hoped I could tell you the next time you were in town, but by then the baby's going to be born and I didn't want to surprise you when you came home with a child." She laughed nervously. "Kind of like 'Here's your kid. I expect you to pay for it. There you go...' "
I couldn't form words. I couldn't even think. All of a sudden my entire life has changed and she wasn't even going through it for the first time with me. I always have to be away when all of these things happen. Why can I just be home for once? Why do I have to be so busy all the time?
"Ike, I'm sorry..."
"It's not your fault," I immediately told her. Even if I couldn't begin to feel anything about this yet, I wouldn't allow her to assume it was her fault. "We're in this together, you know. I was part of this too. Don't go blaming yourself." She gave me a smile, which helped me a lot. Her smile was really what made me fall in love with her. Her smile was what led us into this whole thing, but I'd do anything for that smile. I could only wish that our baby had that smile.
It was maybe fifteen minutes of me repeating Oh my God in my head before I could ask any questions. I honestly don't remember the last time I saw her, but apparently the last time I saw her I had sex with her because she's pregnant now. I'd been away from home for over a year so it must have been just a quick stop when it happened. That's probably why it happened, because it was quick and neither of us thought about being careful.
"How far along are you?" I asked.
"Five months."
"Already?!" She nodded. I looked down at her. "You shouldn't be on the floor like that." I got up and we walked over to the bed. She spread her legs out as I put my hand on her stomach and a few minutes later I felt a tiny kick. "Whoa...strong little sucker."
"It's a boy."
"You found out already? I wish I had found out sooner, I wanted to be with you through all of this. I'm sorry you had to do it alone..."
"No, honey, it's okay. I think it was actually better this way. You didn't have to worry about me when you were on the road and no one else would have found out. If someone saw you at the doctor with me things would have gotten out and everything."
"I don't think anyone would have really cared." I kissed her then let her rest her head on my chest. "We're going to have a son. Can you imagine that? You and me as parents." She thought about it, smiling. I know she had a lot of time to think about this, and I just found out. God knows what's gone through her head the past five months. She was probably thinking about how the two of us are going to raise this child...she was probably thinking about marriage. The last thing I wanted to think about was marriage.
But it wouldn't be too bad, come to think of it. Getting married to Rose. Spending my life with her. I had my share of girlfriends but I never actually felt this complete with someone. Rose made me happy...I decided not to think about it; I was irrational.
"I think you and me as parents is absolutely ridiculous," she said to me, in response to my question. We both laughed, which was appreciated in the tense environment. "We make the stupidest decisions and we can barely take care of ourselves and we have to raise a child? I mean look at my room. I even cleaned because I knew you were coming over and it's still a mess." I looked over her room. She'd put her clothes away and made her bed, but as for everything else, it was still lying on the floor and on her desk. She has so much clutter that she really could do without but won't get rid of because she always says she'll need it later.
"We can change."
"Or have a really messy house. Kids are destruction, you know that, and with you gone all the time and me just really lazy, you'll come home and won't be able to get past the front door because there's stuff lying all over the floor." Living with many younger siblings, I'd learned a thing or two about messy houses. However, I've always told myself my home would be different. "I have no idea what I'm going to do with this kid. I'm so incredibly lazy that I'll just stick him under a laundry basket with a rock on top so he can't go anywhere."
"You are lazy." She was. It was one of the things that bugged me about her, but she'd been good about it and was active around me. It always seemed to annoy me because I was so busy that I didn't even have time to sleep and she was here sleeping twelve hours a day and laying around in front of the television the rest of the time. Her family was well off and her parents could afford to send her to college without her working. She hadn't worked a day in her life. She has four classes a week that at an hour long each, so basically she did nothing with her life. She was rather gifted at sculpting but she'd rather lie in front of the television day after day instead of making something constructive. If she and I did get married, then because of my job we'd always have money. She'd never have to do anything except raise our child and eventually give in and start cleaning the house.
"I'm getting better, though," she told me, as she rested her hand on top of mine on her stomach. "I'm starting to cook and stuff and when I'm not in class I'm sculpting or helping out Mom...for a while I thought about getting a job but what's really the point if in two or three months I'm going to have to quit because I'm having the baby."
"You don't need a job. You're qualified for nothing," I teased.
"Hey!"
"But seriously, Rose, you don't need a job. It might be fun for a while but you'll get too bored with it. I know you and I know you'd rather stay around the house doing whatever the hell you do here. You might make a good life out of your sculpting, but you'll never conform to a structured environment. No, you'll move out of here to be with me and we'll live happily ever after."
She looked up at me. "You think we're going to live happily ever after?" she asked.
"Oh, of course. You and me are going to be together forever because there's no way I'm going to let you raise this baby by yourself and the only way I'll feel right raising him with you is if we're married." She smiled and patted the side of my face.
"I always knew I'd land me a rich man," she said. I rolled my eyes.
I got back to New York at seven o'clock and I was lucky to make it to the show. Sound check was extremely quick so we could start the show on time, and as it was we were a half an hour late. The fans didn't seem to notice and the show went smoothly. It wasn't until after the show that anyone approached me about my absence. I didn't even tell Taylor and Zac that I was leaving. My parents knew, but that was only because they wouldn't let me go anywhere without knowing all the details. I hadn't spoken to anybody since I got back and I was not going to say what was going on. Not yet, at least.
"Where the hell were you?" Taylor asked me after the show. Zac had fallen asleep on the couch in the back room of the tour bus while Taylor and I sat in the front. "I yelled at Zac for being ten minutes late when maybe I should have been yelling at you."
"Don't even start with me, Taylor," I told him calmly. I didn't know how much longer I could hold out. He was yelling at me because I was late and I had my reasons. I'd tell the both of them when we got back to the hotel, but I didn't even want to go near the subject until then. Mom was in the back of the bus and she could walk up at any time, so I couldn't even risk it.
"Why? What's wrong? Where were you?"
"I was at home with Rose. I'll tell you and Zac the rest when we get back to the hotel and not another word about it until then." Taylor seemed satisfied that I was going to tell him that he didn't pry. He stood up and walked to the back of the bus, noticing we were almost at the hotel. On the way there he pulled up his pants that seemed to be nearly falling off him. Those were the pants he wore before when I first talked to Rose about going to see her. Taylor's not one to wear anything more than once a month (he's a big clothes freak) so I was surprised to see them on him, but one thing I noticed was that before they were tight on him. I was about to make a comment that he should stop wearing them because he was finally outgrowing them, but there he was with the same pants that were quite literally falling off him. "Hey Taylor?" He turned around and looked at me, shoving his hands in his pockets. Now I know he's never been able to put his hands in those pockets. "Did you lose weight?"
"I think so...I don't know. I haven't been paying much attention."
"I think you did. Your pants are falling off you and you don't own anything that big." He shrugged and turned around. I noticed a slight smile on his face as he turned. He knew he lost weight. He was actually happy about it. Taylor was a very skinny guy to begin with; he couldn't afford to lose any more weight. I made a point to talk to him about it if the weight loss continued, but there was too much on my mind to care at that moment.
A few minutes later we arrived at the hotel and Taylor nearly yanked me off the bus so he could find out what I was keeping from him. Taylor is the most impatient person in the world. I would not be surprised if he asked the bus driver to go faster so we could get to the hotel quicker, which meant he could find out quicker. I certainly was in no rush to tell him. I don't know how he's going to react to this. This is big, life-altering news and not just for me. This could really affect the band. I haven't proposed to Rose yet but I'm going to. That means I'm going to be married. As superficial as it sounds, that could really hurt the band. Most of our fans love us for our music, but I do know some of them will be very disappointed to find out one of us is married. That's why we don't even mention girlfriends because it really affects the morale of our fan base.
Zac strolled into the room at his own slow pace. He always took a while to get into the hotel room because he wanted to look over the hotel before settling in the room--this was another one of the few times of the day he could be by himself. Taylor didn't know that I wanted to tell the both of them at the same time and was waiting very impatiently by the door for Zac to come in. Once he saw Zac down the hall, Taylor ran out, pulled him in and slammed the door.
"What?" Zac asked, looking at Taylor, worried. "What'd I do? Didn't you yell at me enough before the show?" Zac yanked his arm away from Taylor and looked at me, getting defensive.
"No, Zac, you didn't do anything," I said calmly. "There's just something I have to tell you both and I wouldn't tell Taylor without you in here. You know how impatient he is."
"Well are you going to say it or not?" Taylor asked, rubbing his arms as if he were cold. "We're all here. Yap away. I'm dying to know."
"I don't know if it's really a good idea to tell you guys so soon, I mean I haven't talked it over with Rose yet if we want to tell people so soon."
"It's about Rose? What? Are you getting married or something?" Taylor asked.
"Well, eventually, but that's not it."
"You're getting married!" Taylor yelled at me. "You can't get married!" I bit my lip. If he was going to react like this to me just saying I'll eventually marry her, I didn't want to tell him that Rose is pregnant.
"Oh no, I'm not telling you any more. Not if you're going to react like that."
"There's more?! What the hell is going on, Ike?" Taylor yelled.
"Tay, you should really calm down," Zac interrupted. Taylor gave him a look.
"Screw you." Zac put his hands up in defense and walked towards the balcony.
"No, Zac, stay in here. I'll say it but you have to hear it too. I don't think I can bring myself to say it twice." Zac shrugged and stopped, looking at me. I looked between the two of them, my little brothers. Suddenly I felt like I completely let them down. They're supposed to look up at me as a role model and there I stood with a pregnant girlfriend and no immediate marriage plans. I felt worse than ever staring at the faces of my two younger brothers, knowing that I've not only let them down, but also the rest of my younger siblings and my parents. "I really don't know how to start the conversation off," I began, "so I'm just going to say it. Rose is pregnant."
I didn't like their reaction. I had nearly four hours on a plane to try to imagine what it would be and see how I'd respond to it, but I never thought of this. Taylor shook his head and turned away while Zac remained indifferent. I kind of figured he'd be indifferent, but I hoped that he wouldn't be. Zac had been indifferent about everything lately. He didn't seem to care about anything and it really started to worry me. It was an early sign of a band going down the tubes. I'm getting married and having a child and Zac is starting to be indifferent--not caring whether he's in the band or not. I figured I should have a talk with him.
The next thing I knew Taylor was in the bathroom compulsively brushing his teeth. It'd been a few minutes and he hadn't even looked at me. Zac had changed already and was waiting to get in the bathroom to get ready for bed. If it were me in the bathroom he would have just walked in and brushed his teeth with me in there, but it was Taylor. Taylor doesn't like anyone else in the bathroom when he's in there, whether he's taking a shower or brushing his teeth or what. For Taylor, especially as of late, the bathroom was the only place where he could be alone, which I assume is why he spends so much time in there.
"Zac can I talk to you?" I asked.
"This isn't about me being late today 'cause if it is you were late too so you can't yell at me--"
"No, Zac, it's not that. I don't care if you're late. I'm not as uptight as Taylor. I just want to talk to you." I gestured to the balcony. I felt like I had to give him a handshake and say 'peace' so he wouldn't think he was in trouble. He looked at me, fear in his eyes. That fear had been there a lot lately. I could understand why he was so afraid; Taylor wouldn't let him blink without yelling at him because of something or another. Taylor was so uppity lately but I couldn't even try to talk to him or he'd yell at me too.
Zac reluctantly walked out onto the balcony and sat down on the chair near the door, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his legs. He looked up at me expectantly, his sad brown eyes really making me depressed. I wanted to know what was so wrong with my little brother that he'd lost his zest for life. I sat down across from him. I didn't know how I was going to talk to him without making him think I was upset with him.
"Are you okay, Zac?" I asked.
"Yes. Why, did you hear something?" he asked.
"Why are you so paranoid about everything?" I spoke calmly and softly, almost as if I was speaking to my four-year-old sister instead of my fifteen-year-old brother. "I just want to talk to you. I'm worried about you, Zac. You're not as spunky as you used to be."
"A lot of things have changed, Ike. I'm not the same person anymore. None of us are. Taylor won't go a day without making me feel bad about myself and you--now you're going to be a father and I can't even begin to imagine what that's going to be like." He looked off into the distance, to the beautiful scenery that was a lit up New York at night.
"Do you enjoy what we're doing, Zac? Are you still as passionate about music as you were before?" He nodded, not responding otherwise. "Then how come you don't seem like it?"
"I enjoy what we do, Ike. I love music and my drums are one of the few outlets that I'd never give up because it means too much to me. As for TV and cameras and things, I could do without them." He got up and walked to the edge of the balcony, slightly leaning over so he could look down. This surprised me. A year ago Zac wouldn't even go out on the balcony because he was afraid the bottom would give way and he'd fall to his death, and there he was leaning over a railing to look at the ten stories down.
"I thought you were afraid of heights."
"I have too many problems to be worried about falling off a balcony," he said, tears dripping from his voice.
"Care to get some of those off your chest?" He shook his head and I heard him take a deep, shaky breath. He's crying. It's probably why he's looking off the balcony, so he could cry and I couldn't see. As I turned away to go back into the room, I could see him wipe the tears from his eyes and sniff. I had no idea what was going through his head.