This new diet is the greatest thing in the world. Low calorie foods and watching fats is for losers. On this diet, it's possible to eat whatever I want at my two (or three, if I'm being watched) meals of the day. I stuff my face until I can't fit another thing down and let it fester as I walk to the bathroom so I'm not very hungry the rest of the day. Once safely alone, I shove my finger down my throat and throw it all back up. It's awesome. It's gross, but it's awesome. No one worried about me because they saw me eat like I normally do. No one caught on that I went to the bathroom every time after I ate and no one would ever think I'd do this. After all, this is a rather feminine thing to do.
It'd been quite a while since I started throwing up and I lost ten pounds. There are a few things I have noticed, though. My throat was constantly sore and a little scratchy, and I started getting tiny scars on my knuckles. I doubt anybody pays that close attention to my hands; my only worry was my throat, but it never affected my singing voice.
I started out just to lose a little weight because everything was getting too tight on me and after I split my pants I freaked out. After a few weeks my clothes were beginning to feel loose on me, which was good. I didn't want to stop, though. I knew I only wanted to do this a little while to lose a few pounds, but people were just starting to notice. Ike even asked if I'd lost weight. I liked the reaction I was getting. No one has said I look bad, so I could lose a few more pounds and be good. I decided to stop after a few more pounds. I had positive reinforcement, and things seemed to be better now that I was finally taking control of my life.
I decided the baby issue with Ike and Rose was really going to hurt the band. I wanted to scream at him because he was so stupid for not being careful when he slept with Rose. For the first time I actually felt like I was the older brother and he was the little screw-up. Sure Ike was almost twenty-one and he could do whatever he damn well pleased, but we were just starting to get back on the scene. We were getting more exposure and more people were buying our album and coming to our shows. At the beginning of the tour we didn't have that many people but we started getting more and more as we kept going. We were starting to sell tickets we never thought we would sell. We could be amazing again.
He said he wanted to marry her. We were raised that if we did something like that we'd be the honorable man and marry the girl, but the fans like us because we say we're single and there's the slim chance that they could get with us. A third of our fan base was going to go to kaput if he says he's getting married and he has a child.
Back in my room, I hadn't bothered to take a shower until after we had breakfast ordered to the room so my brothers wouldn't hear me throwing up. Being caught was my biggest fear. I didn't want anyone to know what I was doing. This thing with Ike is going to really affect the family as it is, so if anyone found out about me, it'd hurt everyone even more.
I glanced at myself in the mirror. Ten pounds and look at me! My clothes are hanging off me but I don't feel any better about myself. Ignoring it, I left the bathroom, rubbing my arms. Although I took a cool shower, the bathroom had been warm. The main room was cold. These rooms were always cold.
Zac and Ike were ready to leave when I stepped out of the bathroom. Both were waiting for me to get ready so we could put our stuff in the tour bus and head to the radio station. I grabbed a sweater from my suitcase before closing it and glancing up at my two brothers. Zac looked distant. Zac had been looking extremely distant lately. I knew this thing with Ike really got to him, but I didn't know if he was being that way because of Ike or if it was something else. I could only hope it wasn't something else.
Isaac, who had always been the levelheaded one, was pacing. For the first time ever, he looked like he was clueless on what to do. He'd always been so sure about things, always found the light at the end of the tunnel when Zac and I were so confused. It scared me. If Ike couldn't keep a cool head on his shoulders, who could? Zac looks like a deer caught in headlights at the mere thought of having to go out in public, and I was throwing up after every meal. We were heading for a meltdown and all of us could tell.
We headed out quickly after I'd put on my sweater, throwing our luggage in the tour bus and then taking another car to the radio interview. I don't particularly care for interviews of any kind. They're usually the same questions over and over again, maybe an impromptu song, and off we go onto the next city. It wasn't often that we did the radio interview the night after the concert, but we were doing two radio interviews in this city, one before and one after the concert on two different stations.
When we arrived at the radio station, we were directed to the room where the interview would take place. I walked in and noticed a camera crew setting up on one side of the room. I glanced behind me and Zac was frozen at the door, a scowl on his face. He turned to the manager who'd led us to the room.
"We were not informed that this interview would be videotaped," he said to her, arrogantly. I would have scolded him if he didn't continue too quickly. "I refuse to do the interview if it is going to be taped."
"But, Mr. Hanson--"
"But nothing! Either get them the fuck out of here or I'm leaving!" he screamed at her. He went too far. I really didn't mind him yelling at her, we were known for our less-than-friendly attitude towards managers in general, but we hardly ever swore in public.
"Zac, can I see you a moment?" I didn't let him respond before I grabbed his arm and forced him out of the room. The door closed and I began to yell at him. "What is your problem? It's just a camera! And although we didn't get notified about it, I know what it's for. It's just for the tour video we have coming out for the fans. We are the people who put it there."
"Well I was never informed about it being here. I don't want to see another camera, Taylor. I'm so incredibly sick of cameras that if I ever see another one it'll be too soon. I hate cameras. What we do is not about cameras and media and radio interviews. It's about music. I'm not about to do some lame-ass interview over a show we already did with a camera videotaping us! I want it gone."
I looked back in the room. The manager was speaking to the camera crew. They looked like they were packing up and leaving, but they weren't too happy about it. "Well I hope you're happy, you just denied an entire crew a day's pay. Listen, whatever mood this is that you've been in lately, I hope you get out of it and fast. I'm sick of it."
I opened the door and walked inside the room. As the door closed behind me, I heard Zac speak once more.
"Well I'm fucking sick of you."
After we left New England we went to Columbus. Originally we hadn't planned on spending a lot of time in Ohio, but as we went along the tour, new dates popped up on what had been our free days. Zac was the one who did the most grumbling about it, more so recently since he'd been acting so strange. The stunt he pulled earlier with the camera at the radio interview just added to that. Zac had been around cameras nearly every day since he was a little kid, why was this time any different? Taylor and I yelled at him when we got on the bus. He pulled the defensive act again and Taylor caught him crying in one of the bunks not long afterwards.
I suppose worrying about Zac just deterred me from worrying about my problems. I had a lot of problems. I avoided even seeing my parents since I returned from Tulsa but I knew I couldn't avoid them forever. We let them down before, but nothing to this degree. They never learned about Taylor's experimentation and I wanted to keep it that way. I just didn't know how to tell them about Rose.
Waiting for the show to begin, I paused to tie my shoe in the hallway, and it turned to be a big mistake. My mother appeared in front of me before I had the chance to run away. "Isaac, honey, I haven't even seen you since you got home. How was your visit with Rose? When are we going to get to see her?" she asked.
"After the baby's born," I muttered. I wasn't even sure I could keep it a secret that long.
"After what is what?" she asked. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you."
"Nothing."
"No, Isaac, I hate it when you kids do that." I almost pointed out the fact that I was twenty years old, but it really wouldn't be appropriate to interrupt. "Now tell me what you said." I looked around for a chair. If I knew my mother, she'd want to sit down when she heard this.
"I think you should sit down."
"Why? What's going on?" I moved her to the other side of the room and sat her down on a chair. "I hope this isn't serious. Is everything okay? Is Rose okay?"
"Rose is fine. I'm fine. Everybody's fine, but in a few months a lot of things are going to be changing." I paused. "You know how you told me you'd always wanted grandkids?" She drew in a quick breath as I continued. "Well...in a few months you're going to get one."
"Rose is pregnant?!" she asked, making sure to keep her voice down so no one else around us would hear. The last thing we needed was for this to get out. I could only nod in response to her. "So what are you going to do?"
"What do you think I'm going to do? I'm going to marry her," I said, as if I had no other choice. I did have other choices but none of them seemed remotely right compared to marriage. If Rose was going to have this child and keep this child, the only logical thing was to marry her.
"Well at least you're doing to sensible thing."
"There's nothing else I would do! Rose is most definitely the girl I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I can see that already. It just would have happened a few years down the line instead of now." She still shook her head and refused to look at me. "I'm sorry, Mom..."
"Well if you're anything else but the best damn father that child could have, you better be." She got up, gave me a hug, and walked away. I smiled. That went better than I thought it would. I was expecting her to yell at me, tell me she was disappointed in me, say she didn't know what to do with me, something. I knew she was disappointed and she probably left to avoid making a scene.
I walked away. Zac was about a hundred feet in front of me and looked like he was about to run off to the back again. I'd forgotten about following him like I told Taylor I would. I felt like I shouldn't do it; whatever Zac did was his business, but I was still interested. When Taylor mentioned to me that Zac could be on drugs I told him it was stupid but in the back of my mind I actually considered it. It made sense. Zac was been acting strangely because he was using drugs. I confronted him and he denied it. For a moment I actually believed him but I felt like I shouldn't anymore.
I followed him into the depths of the arena. I didn't like the fact that I was following him but I still did it. Luckily, he didn't see me. When he reached the back of the arena, he stopped and talked to a roadie who was unloading cargo. The roadie reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He handed two cigarettes to Zac. Zac put one on his ear and put the other to his lips. He reached in his pocket and took out a lighter. He lit his cigarette and walked away. Although I was surprised, he could be doing a lot worse.
Zac turned around and headed back my way. I quickly ducked behind some boxes until he passed by. He paused after he passed me and I immediately squatted to the ground as he turned around. He didn't see me. He looked around a little more then opened a door to what looked like a storage closet and went inside. I heard him lock the door behind him but I didn't see a light go on under the door.
I decided to keep an eye on the door while I returned to my more important duties up front. I walked towards the stage and stood where I was well in my designated area, but could still see Zac if he decided to leave the comfort of his room. It was a good hiding place. While up here if I didn't know what I was looking for I wouldn't be able to tell that he'd gone in there or when he came out.
Taylor walked up to me. "Where'd you go?" he asked.
"I followed Zac."
"What'd you find out?" It was the first time Taylor actually looked pleased to speak to me in weeks. I hated that it had to do with the tribulations of our little brother.
"Well I know where he goes before the show and I know he's bumming cigarettes from one of the roadies. He's even got his own lighter," I explained. Taylor nodded.
"No drugs?"
"Haven't seen any," I told him. "You know, Taylor, Zac's a good kid. He's probably just smoking. I don't mind that he's smoking. If it starts affecting him, we'll talk to him." I paused. "We all have our problems, Taylor. I think we should lay off Zac until it starts getting serious, if it gets serious at all."
"But it is serious, Ike. Don't you see that? I don't know what it is but Zac's been acting weird and don't say that he hasn't because you complained about it to me a few times already. I want to find out what's wrong with him so we can make it better."
"Then why don't you ask him, Taylor? If you're so worried about him, don't sneak around to try to rule out things you know he isn't doing. I'm sure if he found out he'd get even more paranoid than he is now and he'll be likely to do something we won't approve of just to spite us. Either leave the boy alone or ask him if there's something wrong." I turned away from Taylor and walked away. That would most likely provoke Taylor to talk to Zac, and maybe then Taylor would tell me what's going on.
I looked at the small bag of white powder in my hands that the roadie slipped in my pocket when I asked him for cigarettes. I never wanted to start smoking but it made a great cover for the cocaine use. The cocaine dealing was almost a slide-of-hand trick as I bummed cigarettes. I didn't care if anybody knew I was smoking, and if anybody ran into us, I had a reason for being all the way in the back of the arena with someone I barely knew.
I'd been using for almost two weeks and could definitely say that I was addicted to both the cocaine and the cigarettes. I was well aware of the consequences. I could just hear Taylor talking to me. "Drugs are dangerous and destructive, Zac." I'd been told all my life that I shouldn't do them and that they're bad, but then I tried it and I liked it.
This smoking thing was proving to be pretty good. I didn't smoke much compared to what seems to be the norm in society. I had two before every show. I knew it wasn't good for my voice and it causes cancer and all of that, but I had bigger things to be worrying about. I was ready to do anything to get away. I heard so much about drugs being an escape from all the problems in the world...I was so ready for that.
My brothers had really been on my case. They wouldn't leave me alone. I would not be surprised if one of them was following me, acting as if they didn't have their own problems to deal with. Isaac was going to be a father, couldn't he worry about Rose instead of me?
I noticed that Taylor was getting very skinny lately. The boy was a practically a waif to begin with, but he was getting even worse as of late. People were worrying about me because lately I preferred to be myself so they don't even notice that Taylor was losing a lot of weight. Taylor is the kind of person that doesn't own anything that's less than skintight and recently his clothes were just falling off him. I didn't know how he did it cause the boy eats so damn much, but he was losing weight and nobody was paying any attention. Something told me he liked that.
I sparked a flame with my lighter and it stayed lit. I could see my hands, shaking lightly and my fingernails digging into my palms. I was nervous. I was always nervous. Even when I relaxed at the hotel in the middle of the night in my sleep I was nervous. I had no idea why. Whatever the hell it was, I needed to calm down before my shaking got out of control.
The light guided me as I spilled my typical amount of cocaine into that natural indentation in my hand. I quickly snorted it before sealing the tiny bag and putting it back in my pocket. I took the cigarette from behind my ear and put it in between my lips as I felt the cocaine starting its course through my body. I lit my cigarette and let go of the lighter. The light disappeared and everything was black again, the sound of the lighter hitting the floor somewhat comforting. I breathed in the smoke, taking its bittersweet taste into my lungs and holding it a moment before I let it out of my lips again. It drifted away but I couldn't see it. I couldn't see anything besides the burning substances at the tip of the cig. My throat itched as well as my nose but my body relaxed, if only for a few moments.
When I grew used to the darkness I could see a few grains of cocaine on my hand. It looked so perfect there. If I had thought through it more I never would have started, but I developed a sudden strange comfort in this drug. It wasn't just the addiction, it was the feeling of complete and utter relaxation when everything else was so nervous, and the feeling that I could actually go out and perform in front of people.
A few minutes after I finished my cigarette I looked at my watch. I left my two cigarette butts on the floor and made sure to stomp them out, just in case they decided to ignite and burn the arena down. That thought went through my mind many times over the past few days. I left my little room, making sure my small baggie of cocaine was deep in my back pocket and there was no evidence on my body.
When I reached the front of the arena I expected Taylor to yell at me yet again. It was like he was looking for something to yell at me for. I had no idea what was wrong with him. He had such a bad mood that I just really wanted to avoid him. Ike assured me that Taylor was just worried about me, but it didn't seem like that. If he was worried about me he'd just ask me what was wrong instead of yelling at me to change. Personally I thought we all needed a break from each other and from music. We didn't need anything long, maybe just a few weeks, but I knew we couldn't spend the next two months on the road to finish this tour and not have a major fight happen.
"Hey Zac!" Taylor's voice called. I kept walking; I was going to get yelled at. I checked my watch. I was a few minutes early, so I had no idea what I did wrong. Immediately I shied away from him but quickly tried to compose myself. I wanted to take the offensive. I was supposed to convince myself to take the offensive. "Can I ask you something?"
"Um...okay..." My voice was weak but suddenly I could see everything in the room. It was one of my favorite affects of cocaine; everything looked so much more alive.
"Tell me, how long have you been smoking?" I felt my face go white--a dead giveaway that I was doing something I shouldn't. I calmed myself down and decided to answer rationally. It would be better than getting defensive like I know I have been but have also been denying.
"I don't smoke."
"Bull." He reached in my pocket and pulled out my lighter. "Why do you carry this around if you don't smoke? How come you smell like smoke if you don't smoke?"
"I...I..." I couldn't say anything. He'd caught me and I couldn't get out of this but I sure as hell wasn't going to admit it.
"Yeah, that's what I figured. You can't defend yourself because I'm right. You're smoking. Why are you smoking?" I shrugged; I wasn't going to tell him the truth. "Thank you for being so elaborate in your detailing, Zac. Could you explain it to me again? I don't think I quite heard it all."
"Taylor, you're being an ass."
"And you're swearing way too much for your own good."
"Well I have a reason for swearing, what's your reason for being an ass?" I asked. "Oh, and by the way, Taylor, you've lost quite a bit of weight. How many times a day do you have to throw up to get that skinny?" His face turned to a scowl and before I knew it he'd hit me. I wasn't going to let him take over me physically. He already has verbal control over me. I wasn't going to allow him to hit me and get away with it. I swung out my fist and hit him back.
"Oh that's it!" he said and hit me again. Punches began to fly and I don't know who hit who worse or what but I knew I felt my skin tear in a few places on my face. It wasn't long before people came by and broke the fight up. Ike pulled me away and our father took a hold of Taylor. Taylor and I continued to scream obscenities at each other until our mother appeared. We both shut our mouths. I knew better than to swear in front of my mother.
"Boys! What is going on here? I don't know what could be so bad that you are fighting and frankly I don't want to know. Cool down and do it quickly because you are supposed to be on that stage in five minutes and you will not be late! If you don't postpone going out there any longer you won't be swollen until after you're done and no one will be able to tell. Now go get cleaned up and apologize!"
Our father let go of Taylor and he spit the blood from his lip onto the ground and walked away. I guess that fight came sooner than I expected.