I was in my apartment lying on the couch in complete silence when Zac came in. Kris was still downstairs. He walked into the living room and sat down on the other couch. For a while he didn't say anything and my comfortable, peaceful silence had turned awkward. I just wanted him to leave. I didn't want to hear what he had to say. He was just going to yell at me and I didn't need to hear that. I felt bad enough as it was. Today had proven to be the worst day of my life. I woke up late for the first time ever, I broke off my friendship with someone I've known for thirteen years now, and I was still hung over. I didn't want to admit it but my body's been aching for more cocaine since I woke up and I don't know how I'm going to get through this.
"So why exactly are you laying in complete silence in the middle of the living room?" Zac asked.
"It feels good," I said. "It's giving me time to think; it settles my head."
"I'm sorry for yelling at you like that."
"It's okay, Zac," I said. "I'd yell at me too. I mean you of all people would understand�" Zac shook his head.
"Don't go there," he said. "You're not going to still do it, are you?"
"I don't want to," I told him, "but it's like the past five years haven't even happened, Zac. I'm right back where I was. I want more; I can feel it. I don't want to do it again because I don't want to go back to that part of my life, but just sitting here I've got this insatiable desire for it. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do." Zac sighed.
"Do you want some coffee?"
"God yes�"
"I'll make you some coffee." Zac got up. I sat up and pulled my knees to my chest as I watched him go.
"Where are the girls?" I asked.
"Upstairs. Now that you two know Ging and me are married she could finally put on her ring. They're comparing."
"You didn't upstage me, did you?" I asked. I saw him smile.
"No, Taylor, I didn't. I knew you'd just get pissed if I got a bigger ring. I figured you'd be pissed that Ging and I got married first." I shrugged. Zac opened the cabinet and pulled out a mug for my coffee.
"Oh, come on Zac," I said. "I'm hung over and I'm having a wicked craving for coke. I'll need more coffee than that." He took out a much bigger mug. "There you go." After the coffee finished percolating he poured me a cup and brought it over to me. "Thanks."
"Is it really that bad?" Zac asked, taking his seat on the other couch again. After taking a sip from my coffee I nodded.
"Like you wouldn't believe," I said. I couldn't put into words the craving I had. "I honestly didn't think it would be this bad after just one time, you know? It's been five years without anything, to the point where I was over my cravings and I had no desire to do it again, so I didn't think one little line would fuck me over like it did, but it did. It's not even in full swing yet. Tomorrow, or not even that long, this evening, I'm going to be shaking and irritable. I won't be able to sleep, I'll probably scream at Kris a few times, and I'll be downing quite a few pots of coffee."
"That would explain why you wouldn't be able to sleep," Zac said.
"True," I said, "but when I was getting off it the first time, before I replaced drugs with coffee, I still wasn't able to sleep."
"So basically every time over the past five years you've had coffee, you had a craving?" he asked. I thought about it.
"Yeah�in a way. But at this point it was just a craving for coffee, not a craving for the other stuff, or at least that's the way I read it. I mean in the mornings and stuff it was just coffee, 'cause that's what you do. You get up and you have coffee. But all the other times, yeah, I would say so."
"I can't imagine." I shrugged.
"You've never been addicted to anything. It's better that way," I said. "Zac, you don't understand how pissed off I am at myself. I can't believe I did that�and Leo was there. He's been my support all this time, telling me I can make it through the really bad times and I can live the rest of my life without it, but then that chick pulled it out and without a single thought he just takes it. And then he's like 'Oh, don't worry, Tay, one won't kill you�' So I talk to him about it this morning and it turns out he's been doing it all this time! He never quit! He's been fucking lying to me all this time." I shook my head. "I cannot believe him. And then he tries to lecture me, me, about how hard it is to quit. Like I don't know. Like I haven't been there. Like I've never been in a little ball on the bathroom floor at three o'clock in the morning shaking and crying and just praying that the cravings would go away. He was saying all this stuff and I didn't want to believe him, but it's true." I looked at Zac. "He told me I was a lousy friend, and I wanted to blow it off but I have been."
"No you haven't�"
"Yes I have! Leo and I were so close and then the whole music thing happened and we'd leave for months and months. Leo didn't have anybody but us and we just up and left him, hardly ever seeing him and very rarely calling. I was a bad friend. I never listened to him or ask him how he's been doing. It was always about me."
"Come on, Taylor, that was a chance of a lifetime and we'd been working so hard for that. You asked Leo to be a part of the band but he turned you down. That was his fault. He could have made other friends. Don't blame yourself for something he could have fixed. You weren't a lousy friend. At least you didn't lie to him for five years."
"Yeah�"
"Don't worry about it, okay?" I shrugged.
"I need to do something," I said. "If I sit here and do nothing I'll keep thinking about it."
"We could go out or something�"
"No," I said. "I can't go out, not like this. Let's just do something inside."
"All right. I'll get the girls and we'll find something to do. Maybe we could go out and leave you with Jenny. When she's around you don't have time to think about yourself." I shook my head. He shrugged and left, leaving me alone for a few minutes before he came back with the girls. Kris had Jenny on a hip and handed her to me before she sat down next to me. I haven't been really able to hold my niece as much as I would like because Zac and Ginger are the most possessive parents I've ever met in my life. One of them is always with Jenny.
"So what are we going to do?" Kris asked.
"We could always play a game," Ginger said. I nodded. She got up and opened the closet. "Okay, we've got Monopoly, Life, Sorry, oh score we have Taboo! We'll play Taboo!" Ginger took the game out of the closet and walked over to the table. She sat down on the floor and opened up the game.
"How about me and Ginger against the two of you?" Kris asked, sitting across from Ginger on the floor.
"Oh, come on Kris, that would hardly be fair," Ginger said.
"How would that not be fair?" I asked. I sat down at the table, setting Jenny down next to me. She crawled over to her mother.
"Because nobody can beat me and Kris when it comes to Taboo," Ginger said. "Kris and I have an inside joke for every single thing in the world."
"What, and you think me and Zac don't have that?" I asked. Ginger shook her head. "I seriously doubt you and Kris know each other better than Zac and I. We're brothers. We've known each other longer."
"So? Knowing each other longer doesn't exactly mean you know each other better," Ginger said. "Anyway, let's play."
"What are we playing to?" Zac asked. "Thirty?"
"Thirty?" Ginger asked, snorting. "How about a hundred?" Zac shrugged.
"Okay, whatever�" I didn't understand why thirty was so low until Kris and Ginger had their first turn. They got twenty points on their first try and Zac and I looked at each other, amazed. Half of the words that came out of their mouth I didn't even understand. I have no idea how Kris's first boyfriend has anything to do with elves or why exactly Kris and Ginger would sit around the microwave roasting marshmallows singing Kumbaya. However, in less than ten minutes Kris and Ginger had completely whooped us and we decided on another game.
That evening after Zac and Ginger left Kris was exhausted and decided to get ready for bed. Unlike me, she didn't sleep until eleven o'clock and she hadn't had six cups of coffee. I wasn't tired at all but now that everyone was gone and it was just Kris and me, I was fully aware of how bad I felt. My hands had started shaking and I was getting a wicked craving.
Kris came out of the bedroom in a man's dress shirt (that looked too big to be mine, by the way) and put a hand on her hip. "Baby, are you coming to bed?" she asked.
"No, I won't be able to sleep tonight," I said. She walked over and sat down next to me.
"Oh, come on, how do you know that?"
"I know. I've got about six pounds of caffeine in me right now and even if I didn't I know I'll be up all night. We're both such light sleepers that I'll just keep you up. You just go to sleep, honey, you look exhausted."
"Are you sure?" she asked. "I don't want you to be out here by yourself."
"I'll be fine, honey." She sighed; she didn't believe me. I didn't believe me either. "Just go to sleep."
"All right," she said. "Goodnight, honey. I love you."
"I love you too." She kissed me and walked back into the bedroom. I sighed. I quietly rummaged through a cabinet in the entertainment center and pulled out some headphones and my CD player. Kris recently made me a kick ass mix CD, which she entitled 'Just for Chillin.' She also made me a hardcore punk rock screamer mix, but I figured that wouldn't be good if I was trying to get to sleep.
It was about halfway through the second song when I shut off the music and got up. It was dark and lonely out here and I had nothing to do. I started to walk to the bedroom but on the way there I saw Kris's decorating notebook on the table in the hallway. I paused, glancing in the bedroom. Kris was asleep already on her side of the bed. I knew if I went in there I'd just wake her up and I didn't want to do that. I grabbed her notebook and walked back to the living room. Sitting down on the floor, I opened the notebook to a blank page and took the pencil out of the binding. I haven't written anything in months, but writing was the only thing besides coffee that made me feel better when I had a craving. I wrote some of the best songs I've ever written in my life while I was pining for another fix.
I scratched some words down and bit my lip. I really wanted to do this at a piano, but upon looking at my watch I realized it was midnight and I'm sure Zac and Ginger wouldn't appreciate me going up there to work with the piano. I'd wake Jenny up for sure and they'd probably just yell at me for that.
I got tired (surprisingly) after a while and put the pencil down. I went into my bedroom and looked at Kris asleep in the bed. She would probably wake up just by me getting into the bed, but I had a feeling I could actually sleep now and sleeping with her is something that always calmed me down. I got into the bed and put my arm around her waist, a small smile crossing my face, and after a while I fell asleep.