Gracie woke up with a start. She crawled out of her bed and fell onto the floor. By now her comforter was torn and burnt in the bathtub along with her sheets and pillows. She'd gone through another mirror. Her sisters were mad at her, and even though she'd done what the voices said and slashed herself repeatedly, they never did go away.
"Good morning, sunshine," she heard in her head as she slowly got up and walked to the bathroom. As she walked, she revealed the gashes on her legs and upper arms. She'd slit herself over twenty times in the past week, convinced each time that the voices would go away if she listened to them.
"Ugh," she said, rolling her eyes. The act made her dizzy and she leaned against the wall to support herself. The past week all she'd done was bleed, and in addition to that, the voices wouldn't let her eat. Each time she tried, she flung her food away. "Woah."
"Little low on energy, huh?"
"Shut up, you stupid voice. I have to get ready for school. I'm not going to let you ruin school again."
"Oh don't worry, Gracie. I will."
"What's your name, anyway? I'm sick of referring to you as 'the voice,' " she asked, undressing.
"I don't have a name."
"How about Bob? I can call you Bob."
"No."
"Okay, your new name is Bob. Hi Bob." She turned on the shower. "Bye Bob." Steam rose quickly into the bathroom and she jumped in the scalding water. She'd gotten used to the hot water by now, because she realized hot water killed more germs.
She showered quickly and took extra care and getting ready for the day. She wore a long-sleeved turtleneck under her school shirt and wore knee-high socks, but she still wore a short skirt.
"Why so covered?" Bob asked. Gracie looked over herself in the mirror.
"I don't want everyone to see my cuts. They'll suspect something and then they'll be more against me." She smoothed out her skirt as someone knocked on her door. "What?!" she snapped.
"Uh, Gracie, it's time to leave," Sarah's timid voice said. Gracie sighed. She didn't mean to snap at her and it hurt her to know that the reason Sarah was timid was because of her.
"Fine," Gracie said and huffed. She couldn't control it. The voice in her head was controlling that. "Bob, I wish you'd stop that."
"Who's Bob?" Sarah asked, still outside the door.
"Go away!" Gracie yelled. She looked at herself indignantly in the mirror then left the room. Sarah was running down the stairs and to the kitchen. Gracie walked to the kitchen. Her mother looked up as she entered the room.
"Well, at least you're covered," she said.
"Oh bite me."
"Have fun at school. Don't get suspended again." Gracie rolled her eyes and grabbed her purse before walking to her in car in the garage.
"I can't believe you're letting her off this easy, Mom," Gracie heard Ren� say back in the kitchen. "She's being snotty to all of us and breaking things, but you let her go out with that boy and do things but God forbid Sarah of I say a curse word or yell back at you."
"I can hear you talking about me," Gracie said, annoyed. "Ren�, stop bitching and get you ass out here or we'll be late for school."
Gracie walked to the car and sat behind the wheel. Ren� came out with her book bag on her shoulders and gave a look to Gracie. She threw her stuff in the trunk before sitting behind Gracie in the car.
"Hey Gracie, where's your stuff?"
"Why are you talking to me?" Gracie snapped, taking a handkerchief from her purse and tightly twisting it in her hands. She nervously looked at the time. Sarah was going to make them late. As much as she hated school and never wanted to go back, if she had to, she wanted to at least be on time. She hated being late.
"I'm not the one afraid of you. Sarah is. You know she tends to take things personally."
"Well she should, I'm meaning them that way."
"Gracie, why are you being so rude? You've changed and I don't like it." You've changed� The words stung, but t hey stuck in her mind, a petty joke from the voices in her head that were controlling her even now. Gracie tore at her skin with the tightly wound handkerchief and felt a drop of blood trickle down her hand.
"I think I'm going to let Sarah drive." Gracie put her handkerchief over the door handle and opened it before getting out of the car and switching to the front seat. Sarah walked out of the kitchen and smiled at the opportunity to drive. She put her stuff in the trunk and got behind the wheel.
"Um, Gracie, you have the keys," she said. Gracie groaned and handed over the keys. "Woah! What is with your hands?" Gracie quickly tore her hands away from Sarah's view. She'd been gripping and twisting her handkerchief so tightly she'd broken the skin.
"I'm antsy. You know why I'm antsy? Because you're taking so Goddamn long to get out here! Are you going to drive this way too? Cause if you are, I'll drive. I can't come back from a week long out of school suspension and be late. Move!"
"Stop attacking her, Gracie," Ren� said from the back seat.
"Fuck you, Ren�. I'm pissed off at you too."
"No, you're just listening to the voices in your head instead of us!" Gracie stiffened. Did she know? Oh Christ, she knew! How did she know? She must have heard her thoughts over the radio. Gracie never did find that transmitter�
"Would you fucking pull out already?" Gracie yelled. Sarah quickly started the car and pulled out of the garage.
"Turn on the radio," Ren� said.
"No. We're going to sit in silence the whole way. I'm not listening to the radio," Gracie said, turning to look at Ren�. She had her reasons for not wanting to listen to the radio. Every single time she'd turned it on since Bob had come into her life, the radio spoke of her thoughts. Her sisters didn't need to know what she was thinking.
"Gracie, shut up. You're being a bitch about this. I'm sick of your attitude�"
"I'm sick of you!"
"Gracie, stop it. You're not any better than us and you don't have any control over us," Ren� defiantly said.
"Yes, I do."
"No you don't," Ren� said, and looked at Sarah. "Sarah help me out here."
"I'd rather not get involved," Sarah said, keeping her eyes on the road. She was only trying to avoid siding against her sister, especially because she'd be siding against Gracie. "We're almost there. Why don't we all just sit quietly until we get there?"
"Fuck you."
"Stop it, Gracie," Sarah said and glanced over. "And stop it with the handkerchief! You're bleeding. Doesn't that hurt?"
"Doesn't what hurt?" Gracie asked, seemingly venturing out of her state of mind. She smiled at her sister.
"Your hand. It's bleeding." Gracie let go of the handkerchief and looked at her hand. Her palm was all bloody and exposed.
"I'll get over it." She looked up. "Oh! We're here! Well, have a good day, girls. I'll see you at lunch!" Gracie smiled and got out of the car, a light bounce in her step as she walked. It was throwing her balance off and she felt like she was going to pass out at any given moment, but she was happy to be back at school.
"Gracie, don't walk away like you haven't done anything," Ren� said, getting out of the car and running after her.
"Like what happened?" Gracie asked, turning around. "Oh, you look mad. What happened?"
"Gracie, stop acting so innocent. You yelled at me and made Sarah almost cry and now you're acting as if nothing happened!"
"Nothing did happen," Gracie said, then looked away, an aloof look on her face. "How exactly did we get here? I don't even remember waking up."
"What?" Ren� asked in disbelief.
"No, I don't even remember waking up, much less getting ready and coming here. How'd I get here?"
"Sarah drove. In the car you yelled at me and insulted Sarah. What is up with you? It's like one hundred degrees out here and you're wearing a turtleneck. What's wrong?"
"I�I don't know." She grew defensive. She knew exactly what was wrong. It'd been happening all week. She'd lash out at people, at herself and with her room, then she wouldn't remember and was left confused with a very large mess on her hands.
She walked to her homeroom, clutching her handkerchief. Bob. It was Bob. She hadn't given a name to the other one, because she hadn't spoken to the other one in a while. As she went into her homeroom, she glanced timidly at the teacher. She'd been transferred into this homeroom over her suspension because she frightened her first teacher. This teacher, though, was the same one who suspended her; this was the same room where she wrote on the board in a trance, but she didn't remember any of it.
"Gracie," the teacher said, with an overruling nod of her head. "Glad to have you back."
"Uh, yeah," she said quickly, and walked to the back of the room to her locker. She opened it. Her books had been placed in it, and on top of her books were all the pictures she'd put up in her other locker. She looked at the pictures. She had one or two of Isaac, her boyfriend, and the rest were her sisters.
She stuffed the pictures behind her books, bending and tearing the priceless heirlooms in the process. She took a marker out of her purse and began writing on the walls over her locker. She found herself lost in a trance yet again, not knowing what she was writing but knowing it meant something that would eventually get her into a lot of trouble.
"What are you doing?"
Gracie looked over at the girl near the locker next to hear. She stifled a sneer at her. "What do you care?"
"You've been focused on whatever you're doing for quite some time. I was just wondering. Sorry." She turned away and Gracie quickly shut her locker before anyone saw what she'd done. She went to her seat empty-handed. As she sat down the bell rang and the television clicked to life.
"Another day not knowing of the path I fear to tread, eh?" Bob asked, quoting a song Gracie had listened to the day before. An involuntary shiver ran down her spine at his voice. He hadn't spoken, to her recollection, since the previous day.
"Don't start now, Bob," she whispered, not audible to the people around her. Her worst fear was them catching her talking to herself.
"Speak up, hun, you're stronger than that."
"Leave me alone, Bob," she said, not raising her voice. She felt tears in her eyes at the mere thought of what he'd have her do today. "You're not real, you can't control me�" she whispered, a tear slipping unnoticed down her cheek as she closed her eyes. She felt herself being rocked gently back and forth. No one noticed. She was in the very back corner, separated from the class. "You're not real."
"You'd think that considering I'm just a voice. I can show you what a voice can do." Violently his force knocked her back against her seat and she fell over backwards onto the floor. She hit the ground with a light scream of pain, not knowing she'd hurt her back before.
The entire class looked back at her, but she didn't even see them as she picked herself up and leveled her desk. She ignored them, all of those who were against her, until the bell rang. At the sound of the bell, she grabbed her purse and fled the room to her first class, running into Sarah and knocking her down without knowing it. She darted into the classroom.
"Gracie! You're back!" the teacher said. This teacher actually liked her. That was because Gracie hadn't had an episode in this class yet. And she refused to let that happen.
"Yeah, I had some problems that needed taking care of. I'm a bit better now," Gracie said, feeling her bloody handkerchief in her hands. She twisted it.
"As long as you're getting better, Gracie. How are you sisters?"
"Oh�they're my sisters," she said, rolling her eyes lightly. "Same as always." She smiled and took her seat near the front corner of the classroom. More people began to file in the classroom. Gracie felt a stare come from each one of them as they passed by. It was now, that she was finally back in school, when she felt more alone than ever.
The class began when the bell rang. Gracie lost interest quickly. She may have liked the teacher but the subject was boring. "Bored, huh?" Out of habit, Gracie looked around before realizing it was the voice in her head.
"I don't like you anymore."
"You never liked me to begin with, Gracie. You just need to lighten up. I'm not all bad."
"How come every time you're around something bad happens?" she asked. "And I never remember it so I don't know what to yell at you."
"There's a reason for that. I don't want you to remember. I know if you'd remember, you'd yell at me. But, if you want to know, I'll tell you."
"Good."
"You just have to promise to not yell at me after it happens or as it's happening. If you yell, I'll make you do more."
"Okay."
She looked around the classroom, drowning out the sound of the marker against the whiteboard and the teacher's voice. She was so tired�she'd slept a lot lately but walking around school without proper nutrition and the lack of blood made her sleepy. She put her head down on the desk and closed her eyes. Before she knew it, she'd fallen asleep.
She didn't dream. She hadn't been dreaming at all lately, because instead of the fantasy her mind would give her while she slept, she had conversations with Bob. It wasn't the most pleasant way to spend her resting time, but he was an interesting voice. He could explain things to her that she didn't understand and could give her advice on what to do in situations if the time ever arose.
"Gracie! Get up!"
Gracie's head shot up and she quickly lost her balance in her chair. The room spun and she fell onto the floor. Groaning, she closed her eyes until she felt the room stop spinning and then opened them. Her teacher was standing above her. "Class is over," she said. "You're late for your next class. I'm not writing you a note." Gracie stood up slowly, being careful not to lose her balance again. She took her purse and left the class. Perfect way to start a perfect day.
"Yeah, so I have a detention tomorrow for sleeping in class," Gracie said later that night to Isaac. She'd called him up and decided they were going out. They were walking along a park, the night air cool and crisp against her skin. "I nearly got into a fight at lunch cause someone was making fun of me and my sisters. I was just mad at that, I don't think it has anything to do with the other problems." She looked over at Isaac. "I don't know what's going on with me. I used to be a perfect student, and now I'm sleeping through classes and getting suspended. I'm ruining everything on my record and I don't know why."
"Maybe you're just having a rough time. If you're not over it in a little while, then you should start to worry. But I wouldn't worry about anything now."
"And here I go again," she said, "telling you all of my problems and I've yet to ask you how your day was. How was your day, sweetie?" She looked down at their connected hands�both of her hands were covered in white bandages due to her twisting her handkerchief. She knew if she was going to go out with Isaac he'd want to hold her hand, and the last thing she wanted was to get her bloody, broken skin all over him.
"Oh, it was all right. I found out that I'm going to be leaving for a little while in March."
"Really?" she asked. "Where are you going? What are you doing?"
"Oh, it's just a little thing my brothers and I have to do. It shouldn't take very long, but we'll still be gone." She stopped walking, waiting for an explanation.
"No, I'm not letting you blow it off like that. It's obviously something if you have to leave for a while. Does this have anything to do with all that time you spent in Los Angeles a few months ago?"
"How do you know I was in Los Angeles a few months ago?" he asked. "I don't remember telling you that." She thought about it. As a matter of fact, he didn't tell her about it. How did she know?
"I don't know how I know, but I know. Maybe I talked it out of your mother or something. But anyway, what are you doing? You didn't even tell me where you're going."
"I'm afraid you'll blow it out of proportion if I tell you."
"Me? Since when do I blow things out of proportion?" she asked, putting her hand on her hip. He gave her a look. "Oh. I remember now. Okay, I do blow things out of proportion, but I still want to know. Being your girlfriend, I think I have a right to know. But whatever it is, I'll be calm about it."
"All right. I'll tell you." He took in a breath. "The reason I was in Los Angeles a few months ago was because I was recording an album with my brothers. We're in a music group and we got signed. We have to shoot a video for the first album, so I'm going back to LA to do that."
"That's what you didn't tell me? That you recorded an album and you're shooting a video?" she asked. He nodded. "That is a big deal! Why didn't you tell me? Oh, I am mad at you now." She turned around and crossed her arms.
"Gracie�Gracie I'm sorry."
"No. You can't even tell your own girlfriend how you did all of this stuff. I didn't even know you could sing." He put his arms around her and rested his chin on her shoulder.
"I'm really sorry. There's reason behind all this. Let me explain." She didn�t say anything. "You see, we just met a few weeks ago. I wanted to get to know you before I told you about that. I was afraid that you were going to judge me by my luck in getting this far. I wanted you to know me, not the voice on the radio."
"Oh, so you're going to be on the radio now, huh?"
"Gracie, I just don't want to be judged on something I'm not. I'm sorry, but it's a perfectly legitimate if you think about it."
"I guess so�"
"Okay? Are you still mad at me or will I have to throw you in that pond with the ducks over there?" Her eyes widened.
"There's ducks here?!" She let go and ran over to a pond and found no ducks. "Hey! There's no ducks here."
"I was joking, Gracie. Come on, I'll take you home. You've got school tomorrow," he said, taking her hand and leading her away from the pond. "And you are going to school tomorrow."
"Unlike mister I'm never at school over here. Where's your education?" she asked, walking next to him.
"I'm home-schooled."
"Loser. I've been dying to be home-schooled. At least at home I won't get a detention everyday."
"Well, Gracie, think about what you're doing to get that. Today you fell asleep in class. Maybe you shouldn't spend weeknights out with me until three in the morning like we've done. Maybe you should be sleeping."
"Checks out this guy, thinking you should sleep," Bob said, surprising Gracie. She shook her head, trying to get him to go away. "That's not going to help, Gracie. I seriously think you should get rid of this guy. I mean, you've been together a week and a half already and you haven't even had sex yet! Come on�"
"Stop it, Bob," Gracie whispered.
"What?" Isaac asked, looking back at her.
"Oh, nothing," Gracie responded, smiling. They approached the car and he opened her door for her. She got in and while he was walking to the other side, she spoke again to Bob. "Go away, Bob. You're not ruining him too."
"That's what you think, sweetie. I'll get to him before you know it."