I walked into Nic's room and stopped dead in my tracks. She looked so beautiful, so breathtaking. Her eyes in the mirror seemed to break into mine as a light smile danced on her face. I caught eyes with Taylor and quickly composed myself. I let go of the doorknob. "Well, are you ready?" I asked, surprised at my voice. How am I still able to talk? She turned around, her hair twirling with her and bouncing on her shoulders as she stopped.
"Almost," she said, smiling. "Let me just put my shoes on."
"Here, I'll do it," Taylor said. Dammit, Taylor. He's her boyfriend. Her loves her and is protective of her but is downright insane for letting her out with me. I had a feeling I was going to forget him more than once tonight. "Have fun." He kissed her. I tore my eyes away.
"I'll try."
"Try not to stay out too late. I want some time with you before I go to sleep."
"All right." She kissed him again and walked to me. I couldn't tear my eyes from her�everything about her was so perfect tonight. Once we were out in the hall, she turned to me. "You know, I told you not to buy me any jewelry, Zac."
"You know I was going to do it anyway," I said. She looked in my eyes. She's got those breathtaking eyes. They're so blue and clear and so honest. I could stare into her eyes forever. I resisted the urge to just throw her on the ground and have sex with her right then and there, mostly because Taylor could walk out in the hall at any time, and severely kick my ass.
"How much did is cost?" she asked. Oh, yeah, reality. Duh.
"Why?"
"Zac, you spent three hundred dollars on me already. God knows how much money this cost! I want to know so I can find out how much I need to kick your ass." Wasn't I just talking about kicking my ass? Heh, how odd.
"Why are you even questioning it?" I asked. She is the absolute worst person to spend money on! Michelle, Taurii, and Rachel were all up to my gift, but Nic? No!
"Zac, we're not even dating�"
"Oh you look so beautiful!" Lauryn squealed.
"Shit," I muttered, and luckily neither of them heard. Why did she have to come out here too? Oh God, mentally willing you to go back in the room before you say something stupid. Go back, go back...
"Oh you've got a new dress and perfect shoes that even match your jewelry! Zac, you didn't buy her jewelry too, did you?"
"No," I said.
"Then where'd you get it? Surely you didn't have anything this beautiful from your scanty collection." No, she did not just say that to Nic. No way. I knew it was going to happen.
"We're leaving," Nic said and walked away.
"What? I just said..." Nic stopped.
"I said we're leaving!"
"That was really uncalled for, Lauryn," I said. Taking a breath, I past her to Nic. "I'm really sorry she said that."
"Yeah, whatever. You know how to pick them. Amber, Lauryn, me...damn Zac." Ouch. That stung.
"Let's try not to think about that tonight, shall we? And don't go putting yourself down like that. I wouldn't put you in the same league as them."
"Thank you." The silence overpowered the elevator, slowing the ride down. It reminded me, she was saying something before Lauryn came along.
"Were you saying something before she came along?" I asked.
"It wasn't really important."
"You're lying."
"I know."
"Stop." She huffed and turned to me.
"We're not dating. A week ago we were still not on speaking terms. We're standing around in uncomfortable silence half the time. We're barely friends. I was surprised beyond surprised when you invited me to come with you. Then you go and buy me a dress and shoes and now you've given me a necklace and earrings that are so beautiful, Zac. I just can barely believe it."
"I'm only doing it because..." I stopped. Because I love you, Nic, I finished in my head.
"Because why?"
"Just because." I pressed the button for the elevator doors. Open, dammit.
"You're lying."
"No I'm not."
"There you go again." God, she knows me too well.
"I can't say anything, Nic. I'm with Lauryn and you're with Taylor. It'll just jeopardize everything." Well, that wasn't obvious, no! Come on, Zac, why don't you just say you love her? It'll be more subtle. "Just don't think about it. You look beautiful tonight."
"Thank you," she said, blushing. She ran her fingers along her hair, brushing it out of her face. I've always loved her hair. It was just so light and fluffy, and so soft. "You dress up rather nice yourself, Zachary Hanson. And trust me, you couldn't have given me a better compliment than when you first saw me in this dress."
"What'd I say?"
"That's just it. You didn't say anything. It was the look of shock and utter surprise and the way you couldn't take your eyes off me. That's enough to make a girl feel like a million dollars."
"I'll keep that in mind."
"I've never been looked at like that before. You don't know how good it felt. Especially coming from you." Already, Taylor and Lauryn were out of my mind.
As we walked to our private box (which cost a shitload of money), I saw the lights dim. "Come on, we'll be late," I said to Nic, grabbing her hand and walking faster.
"I'm going as fast as I can, honey! I can't run in these shoes." I stopped abruptly, looking back at her.
"What did you call me?" I asked, not upset but shocked.
"Nothing. Now we'll miss the beginning of the symphony. Let's go." I led her to the box and we sat down next to each other. I was still holding her hand.
Music is my solace. Music is everything to me. When I'm not playing it, I'm listening to it or singing it to relieve silence. My brothers�they're the same way. We eat, sleep, drink and breathe music. It runs thought us, so every time we're on that stage, or even just lying at home alone in our bed listening through earphones, we're lost. That's how I felt when the orchestra began. Lost. But not that I'm lost from everyone and I'm so afraid, I'm the good kind of lost. You don't know where you are but you know you can find your way back home when this serenity and this peace leaves. Maybe after this success with Hanson ends, I could become a conductor. That'd be awesome. I love classical music; I've got the background. Maybe someday...
I felt Nic's breath against my cheek as she faintly whispered to me. "This is so beautiful. Thank you so much for taking me." Let me guess, my ears are now as red as the cherry-red, um, cherry.
"I knew you'd like it."
"Like it? I love it. I've never seen anything so beautiful in my life."
"I have," I said, looking straight at her. She blushed and shied away. I brought her hand to my mouth and kissed it, causing her to turn back to me. I leaned in to kiss her. As my lips barely grazed hers, I remembered she's not my girlfriend. I have a girlfriend, and it's not Nic.
We both separated. "Oh my God, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even tried..."
"I shouldn't have either." She let go of my hand and we pulled our chairs apart. "I mean, I love Taylor."
"And I love Lauryn."
"And this isn't right," she said.
"I'm sorry."
"Me too."
"It's silly, us ever getting back together." Oh no, you did not just say that. Add more! Add more! "While we're seeing other people, that is."
"Yeah, silly." There was no mistaking the hurt in her voice. Shit.
"But if we weren't..."
"Then it'd be all right."
"But not now."
"Oh, no."
The music started again (funny, I don't remember it stopping) and before I could thing, my hand was back on hers. I kept trying to remind myself of Lauryn, but it wasn't working. I couldn't even pay attention to the music, I was too busy staring at Nic. I almost kissed her. I almost kissed her while I was dating Lauryn. Sure, I slept with each of the girls and did my share of making out with them, but that was pure sexual hunger. With Nic, God with Nic it actually meant something.
That was never there before. That 'something' was never there before. Last year I was so deep in lust over her, not love, none of it ever meant anything until it was gone. It was all so quick, so rushed that I was saying I love you before I knew anything about her. I still know nothing about her! Everything I knew or at least thought I knew changed! She became a completely different person than I had loved but for some odd reason I'm starting to love this one. I'm falling in love all over again and it's scaring the shit out of me because I know exactly what I'm getting myself into and yet I don't want to back out. Me, Mister I'm so God dammed afraid of commitment that I allowed myself to become the official slut of the tour just so I could still get laid but not have to commit to anyone is sitting here falling desperately, hopelessly in love with someone I don't know. It scares me. But what really scares me is that it doesn't scare me. Period.
Okay, now I have officially wasted my night thinking instead of listening to the music and now it's over. I've been looking forward to this for how long and now I missed it? Goddammit.
"Sweetie, let's go," Nic said.
"Sure." We left the theatre.
"You looked really distracted tonight," she said. "Is there something wrong?"
"Oh, no. I was just thinking. You have the keys," I said, not explaining myself too much. She nodded and took the keys out of her purse. When she gave them to me, I noticed my hand intertwined with hers. She noticed the same time I did. I quickly pulled away. "I'm sorry."
"It's all right. I didn't do much to stop it." She paused. "I didn't really want to. I unlocked and opened her door for her. She pushed her hair out of her face and got inside. I closed the door and went to my side.
"Do you want to go to the hotel or do you want to go somewhere else? You hungry? We could go out to eat." It was still pretty early. I wasn't all that hungry, but she might be.
"No, I'm not hungry. But, let's go somewhere. It's too early to go back to the hotel."
"All right," I said. "Now I know I'm the creative one here, so I'm going to have to come up with somewhere to go. If I ask you, all you'll say is 'I don't know.' "
"You know me to well." I don't know her at all. But, where could we go? I saw a few places, but the one that stuck in my mind was the field. When we passed by there was hardly anyone there, and now that it's night there shouldn't be anyone there but it still should be nicely lit.
"I got it," I started the car and pulled out onto the road. I felt her stare, waiting for me to elaborate. Like I'd ever elaborate. "I'm not saying anything. You just wait."
"Oh, all right. You're not going to make a fool out of yourself, are you?" I smiled. I have a tendency to do that, don't I? But it's all just to make her laugh. It works most of the time, whether she's embarrassed or not.
"I can't promise anything, but I'll try." Ugh, this suit will be the death of me. I hate dressing up. I absolutely hate it. Ties are nooses; they're specifically designed to choke the hell out of me. That's one reason why I don't want to be a conductor. They have to wear suits. Ugh! I'll stick to my casual attire.
I pulled my tie off and threw it to the back. I unbuttoned the first two buttons and let out my breath. Air! My neck is rejoicing!
I stopped at the dimly lit field and killed the ignition. (Okay, so I turned the key. But saying 'killed' makes me sound more like a man. Well, maybe not but it sounds a hell of a lot better.)
"What are we going to do here?" she asked after we'd gotten out of the car.
"Well, there's not much. There's a swing over there but I wouldn't recommend it if you don't want to get your dress dirty."
"No, not really. It's so beautiful," she said, referring to her dress. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. She was so breathtaking that all I wanted was to be with her, to fill this desire, this void inside of me. I wanted to get it all over with, forget my life and my commitment and my brothers and love her for the rest of my life. Did I just say the rest of my life? Okay, stop thinking Zac. Stop thinking, you're scaring yourself.
"Well, if you use that lovely imagination of yours, we might find something to do," I said, tapping her forehead. "I know you can do it."
"Let's watch the stars." Oh my God. I should have thought of something. Oh well, too late now. "Imagination is still involved here." I laid on the grass, facing the opposite way, my head next to hers.
"How?"
"Well, there are constellations, you know. You can make up your own." She pointed in the sky. "Like that one. That's a crab." I followed where she was pointing and saw a cluster of stars. It didn't look like a crab. It looked like a dog to me.
"No, it's a dog."
"A dog? Where the hell did you pick out a dog? It's a crab."
"No, you see over there," I said, pointing. "That's the tail and it goes up into the body, it's got long ears and that one really shiny star is his nose."
"You're fucked up." Well at least she hasn't lost her wit.
"I'm serious! I don't get where you're seeing a crab."
"It's because you're backwards. If you were smart and turned this way you'd see things my way. The right way." No, she definitely has not lost her wit. I turned around, and it was still a dog. "See? It's a crab."
"It still looks like a dog, it's just an upside down dog."
"Come here," she said. I moved closer so that my cheek was next to hers. I felt her shiver at my touch. It made me shiver too. "It's right there," she whispered, as if it was some dark secret, "start out on the left there. That's the claw, then the body and the other claw."
"Oh..."
"Yeah, who's smart now?" Once again, my mind began to wander. I wasn't looking at the crab, or the dog, or the crab slash dog whatever. I was thinking of last year when she left. How much I missed her. I still miss her! She's lying right here next to me but she's not mine and I know she's not mine and there's a big chance she'll never be mine again. I sat up. "What?" she asked.
"I don't think I got to tell you how much I missed you."
"You missed me?" she asked, her eyes wide in disbelief. "Seriously?" I thought it was so cute the way her face was lit up.
"Well, yeah. You left and I couldn't even say goodbye. Darling said you were going and I ran outside as fast as I could but it was too late. You were already gone. I didn't know if I'd ever see you again."
"I had no reason to stay," she said, looking away.
"You could have at least said goodbye! I was just mad at you and I get like that. You know I get like that. I was going to just get over it but I couldn't because you were gone already."
"I'm sorry." I sighed. This was getting awkward.
"Do you want to go back to the hotel?" I asked.
"In a little while. I like it here."
"I knew you would." I paused. "Why did you leave?"
"I told you. I had no reason to stay. Even if you'd forgive me, there was only a week left and by the time the weirdness left it'd all be over and I'd have to go home anyway." I laid back down next to her.
"I would have gone home with you, stayed with you or at least be around you. God, Nic, all I ever wanted was you."
"I really don't want to talk about it, Zac. It's the past. You can't change the past." I sighed, looking over her beautiful self.
"You are so beautiful," I said, propping my head up with my first and doing my best to contain myself.
"Thank you..."
"Do you think there's hope for us?" I asked. "As friends?" Hmph, setting your standards low, huh Zac? Friends? How about as lovers?
"There's always hope for us as friends. We'll always be friends."
"You really think so?"
"Of course! Even if we're not together, we'll always be friends." Great...I rolled onto my back and looked at the stars again. That provided some comfort.
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Index