"I don't want to be here," I muttered as I pulled on the collar of my tuxedo. "Why the hell am I here?"
"Zac, it's your brother's wedding," my mother told me. "You will stay here, you won't complain anymore, and you'll stop fidgeting! What is your problem today? You've been nervous since we got here."
"I don't have a problem," I said, my hand shaking uncontrollably next to me. I didn't get why it was just that hand, but I knew exactly why it was shaking.
"Yes you do. You've been fidgeting all day and don't think that I don't notice you shaking. I know you, I know something's wrong. You've been snapping at everyone all day."
"No I haven't," I snapped. Well that was obvious. "I don't get why everyone's all saying I'm upset! I'm not. I'm fine."
"You're not fine. You're far from fine." My mother began to adjust my coat. I didn't want her anywhere near me; of all people she would be able to figure out what was wrong. "It's her, isn't it?" I told you!
I had to get away. Leave; see if it was time for the ceremony to begin yet. "Whatever," I muttered in response to her. I left the room, feeling her disappointed look follow me. Her tension ran through the air, causing me to walk faster. I swung open the door and ran down the hall. I found a spot to sit down. I hung my head, gripping my head in my hands. I was completely overwhelmed. I hadn't seen her yet. I knew I would, it was unavoidable. Maybe it was the anticipation of seeing her and what might happen that I was so afraid of.
I wanted to cry�no, I couldn't do that. I'm a guy. I'm Zac, macho tough guy who doesn't cry over a girl he only knew for a month. Guys don't cry anyway. I wanted to leave, crawl under a large rock and forget there's a world around me. Will anyone miss me? Will she miss me? Does she even care?
When I reached my all time low point in my train of thought, feeling tears welling in my eyes, I heard her. The sweet voice I hadn't heard in nearly a year and have been pining for since it went away.
"�so I just got out of there and I finally can go home and not be monitored by four people every single minute of every single day." What was she talking about? I looked up and there she was, smiling that smile that lit up the entire room. She looked so beautiful all prettied up like that. She was avidly talking to Taurii, using her hands to gesticulate, nearly knocking over a statue on the table as she did so.
"So you're out of rehab now?" Taurii asked. She nodded, a curl from her hair falling in her face. She patiently swiped it away with her hand, her lips still in a glossy smile.
Rehab? She'd been in rehab? I felt very horrible all of a sudden. It was my fault she was there. I was the one who kept her with the tour, near the drugs. I had no idea she had the problem until two weeks after she came, and at that point she was too hooked to leave. I was the one who kept the drugs in the room, who told her to go into the girls' room with all the drugs and the alcohol there. I forced her into a situation that she had little willpower to maintain stability. Oh I felt so horrible...
"Yeah, I'm doing great again. I'm going to be fine." She looked away from Taurii and her eyes met with mine. Once I felt her stare back at me, I lost it. I couldn't handle it. I had to get away. I couldn't look at her for some reason. What's wrong with me? I can't even look at the girl I've been hung over for the past year!
When she took a step towards me I quickly got up and ran away. "Wait, Zac!" I heard her yell at me, her heels clicking against the tile beneath her as she tried to chase after me. I kept walking as fast as I could without it being too noticeable that I was running away from her. "Zac, please!"
I turned the corner and banged my head against a wall. "Oh, fuck," I said, putting my hand against my head. God, what the hell is wrong with me? I ran away from Nic...I ran away from her. I am so stupid! I can't even walk cause I turn a corner and run into a wall! Goddammit!
"Zac? What are you doing back here?" I looked over, my hand covering one of my eyes. It was Darling, all dressed up in her wedding gown. She looked up at my head and took my hand from it. She shook her head when she saw the red mark. "Are you all right?"
"You look beautiful," I said, not answering her question. She smiled and blushed, looking away.
"Thank you." She looked back up at me. "What are you doing here?"
"I ran away from Nic. She tried to talk to me but I couldn't do it so I ran away and I feel horrible." Why was I telling her this? I probably wouldn't even tell my brothers this and I was closer to them than I was to Darling. Maybe it was because she was there and I needed to say something to someone. "I don't know why I did it, but I did it and she'll never look at me or think about me again if she ever did to begin with."
"Zac, it's all right. You're not ready to talk to her yet. I know this is hard for you and I know you don't want to see her. I'd do whatever I can to keep you two apart, but she's still my best friend and you're Isaac's brother. You don't have to talk to her, Zac. I'll talk to her later if that's what you want."
"No, no that's all right. I'll figure something out."
"Give me a hug." She opened her arms.
"I don't know, Darling. I might rip your dress or something and I don't want to mess anything up. I'm just not having a good day and this could make me feel a lot worse."
"You're not going to rip anything. It's just a dress. It's just a wedding. You're more important." I embraced her, confused. Out of everybody, Darling probably liked me the least and now she was actually saying I'm more important than her wedding? I better not tell Isaac this. "Everything's going to be all right, Zac."
"I just don't know what to do about her. I miss her and I think about her all the time, Darling." Darling was probably the absolute worst person I could be telling this to, but after nearly a year of being pent up, it needed to get out. With my luck Darling would run to Nic and tell her everything, but for a moment I tried not to think of that as I enjoyed letting out information that was bogging me down. She let go of me.
"Okay, I have to get married now. Oh dear God, I'm getting married. I'm going to be a wife, Zac."
"And you're going to be the best damn wife there ever was," I assured her. "You two were practically married years ago. The only difference now is that you've got a rock on your finger to prove it." I took her hand and looked at the ring Isaac got her. Well, there was no doubt that he spent a lot of money on it.
"Thanks, Zac."
"Okay, I'll see you...in the wedding. Cause if you're not there when the wedding is going on it's going to look really bad on Isaac's part and he looks bad enough already." She laughed.
"I'll be there, Zac. Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere. I actually want to get married and spend the rest of my life with him."
"That's always good."
"Now let me get ready. You're not supposed to be back here."
"All right." I turned the corner, making sure there weren't any walls in my way. I didn't want to run into anything again; I was already expecting a large lump to form where I hit it before.
"Hey, Zac! Come here a second," my loud and annoying older brother Taylor screamed at me from across the hall.
"Dude, quiet down. This is a church, you know," I said and walked over to him. He pulled me into yet another hallway. This place was confusing; if people didn't keep calling me over I'd be lost by now. "What do you want?" I asked.
"Did you talk to Darling?" he asked. I saw Isaac getting ready behind him.
"Yeah, I just talked to her."
"What'd she say?" Isaac asked. He was looking worried. "I don't want her pulling out on this." I didn't understand why he was so worried. The only reason he'd be worried is if she said anything to him, but I had heard anything about that.
"No, she won't. I asked her pretty much if she had cold feet and she said 'No, I actually want to get married and spend the rest of my life with him.' "
"Oh, good."
"Is that all you're going to say? 'Good?' How about you, Ike? Are you going anywhere?" I asked. I knew he wasn't, but I might as well make sure.
"No."
"Then great! No one's going anywhere, we're going to have a nice wedding with hopefully no surprises. Nobody has any unknown connections with the mafia, do you?" I asked. Taylor and Isaac both gave me a look. "Sorry."
"Oh, by the way, have you seen Nic?" Isaac asked. My face went blank. Did she come in here looking for me? "I just saw her outside." I glanced at Taylor, who wasn't paying attention.
"Uh, yeah, I saw her," I said, looking away. Taylor's eyes went to me.
"She looks like she hasn't eaten in weeks," he said. "What happened to her?" Like Taylor should talk, he looked the same way. He was talking more to Isaac than to me, but he was still looking at me. Anything that had to do with Nic always seemed to involve me when it came to him.
"She just got out of rehab," I said, but instantly regretted that I knew anything about her. I knew I was going to get questioned about it.
"Did you talk to her?" Taylor asked, remembering our conversation in the car. I'd blatantly told him that I didn't want to talk to her and now I knew something that I could only have found out by talking to her or, in my case, overhearing it. "How did you find out?"
"I didn't talk to her. I overheard her talking to Taurii." I moved to the side of the room and played a string on one of the couches. It was better than fidgeting.
"You should talk to her, Zac. You can't avoid her for the rest of your life," Isaac said. Taylor nodded, smiling that both he and Isaac agreed on the subject. Why were they being so insistent on this? I didn't want to have anything to do with her. I thought they understood that.
"What are you two always ganging up on me like that?" I asked. Great, now I sounded like I'm two.
"We're not ganging up on you, Zac," Isaac said, lightly laughing. "We just think that you should talk to her. But maybe we shouldn't be talking about it; you look scared out of your mind just from the conversation."
"No, I'm not scared out of my mind," I said, and glanced in one of the mirrors nearby. Isaac was right. I was scared out of my mind. And I couldn't understand why.
"We shouldn't talk about it anyway. Today we're focusing on Isaac. Today isn't my day. We don't need to focus on my problems. Ike's getting married," I said.
"Is Nic a problem for you?" Isaac asked.
"No," I said. "Not at all."
"But you just said..."
"Not at all," I repeated through my teeth.
"All right. It's not a problem."
After the wedding, the reception had been cut short because Darling and Isaac had to catch a plane to their honeymoon. The wedding had gone smoothly, nothing out of the ordinary happened. I had an opportunity to catch a glance at Nic once during the ceremony, making sure no one noticed, and she looked extremely upset. I could only hope that it wasn't because of me. After that, everything went fine until the ride home.
"Wasn't that a lovely ceremony? Darling looked so beautiful," my mother commented on the way home. She was torturing me. She was killing me! She stuck me in the back seat of the car (which I do believe was the same back seat Nic and I had made love once or twice). Guess who with! Nic! Nic of all people! Did she really want me to be uncomfortable? What the hell did I do so wrong to deserve this? And not only was I sitting next to Nic, I was wedged up against her because Mom insisted on taking one car so Taylor was crammed in the back seat with us.
Were we almost home yet? Of course Mom had to invite her to stay with us. Why? I couldn't completely avoid her until she was back home in two days. Maybe if I jumped out of the car and ran away for two days until she's safely back in Florida...no, that was stupid. Then she'd completely feel bad and think I was purposely avoiding her. Well, I was, but she didn't need to know that. I didn't want her to know.
I looked out the window. I hate being in a car when I'm not driving. I hate being a passenger. I hate even more to be in the back seat, especially when I'm next to someone I don't want to be next to! Besides all that, it was a beautiful day out there today. Darling had the idea of a spring wedding. Isaac wanted a fall wedding, but no, it'd be too cold. Maybe they should have had a fall wedding. Maybe I'd have more guts then. I saw Nic's reflection in the window. Maybe not.
I wasn't feeling well. I was trying to fill that empty, uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn't know quite what it was, so I found myself smoking a lot today. I'm sure I reeked of it because I didn't do anything to hide it. Mom had yelled at me when I lit up a cigarette after dinner at the reception. I didn't see anything wrong with it, there was other people smoking there. I guess she doesn't approve of me smoking. I wouldn't either, but I needed something to fill the void. And I was sure that Nic could tell I was smoking because of her. She knows I only smoke when I'm worried and I was most likely worried because of her.
We got home about fifteen minutes later, Mom talking about the wedding and how beautiful it was, how perfect it was...she just can't wait to become a grandmother. But when she pulled up to the house, I barely let the car stop before I got out and went into the house, letting Taylor be the gentleman and take Nic's suitcase. I didn't want to be the gentleman anymore. I'm always the gentleman. Taylor could be it while Nic was around.
I went inside the house and ran up the stairs to my room. Now that Isaac was gone, I had my own room. Finally, I have my own room! Yay! But, the second I got in my room, Taylor walked in.
"You're pathetic. We were in the car for fifteen minutes and you didn't even talk to her."
"Did you get that girl's number?" I asked, surprising even myself. Why would I even think about her? Taylor looked at me, surprised.
"Yeah. I put it somewhere in my room. Do you want me to get it for you?"
"What's her name anyway?" It was funny to me, I had agreed to go out with her and I didn't even know her name. I'd figured I'd stop being like that, but this was an exception. I didn't want to spend the next two days alone in this house any longer with Nic.
"Lynn? Lanie? L-something. I'm not sure. I wrote it down with her number. You do want it, right?"
"Yeah, I've been thinking about it lately and I figured I might as well give it a shot." Taylor left the room to get her number. What the hell am I getting myself into? I don't even want to look at another girl besides Nic, but here I am, agreeing to go out with this chick. Just to get out of the house; just to prove to everyone that I'm not completely hung over Nic. It doesn't matter that I am. No one has to know that!
"Okay," Taylor said, walking back in what looked like a napkin. "I found it. Her name's Lauryn." I took the napkin from him. What was it written in?
"Lipstick?" I asked. "She didn't kiss it too, did she?" I looked around it for any lip marks.
"No, stupid."
"Nice comeback, Tay."
"Shut up. Neither of us had a pen. All she had was lipstick. We were lucky to find the napkin."
"You're making it sound like you were desperate to get her number." Taylor gave me a look. "Now, leave, I'm going to call her."
"Right now? Aren't you even considering that Nic is here?"
"I'm not going to spend the next two days in the house with her. I'm leaving. All the events leading up to now have been enough and I can't handle it getting any worse. I mean, I ran away from her when she tried to talk to me, there's the reception and the me smoking, and the back seat..." I noticed his ears perk up. "Nevermind."
"What?" he asked. "What about the back seat?"
"Nothing. Leave." His eyes grew.
"You two had sex in the back seat of that car, didn't you?" I picked up the phone.
"Bye, Tay. I'm going to call Lauryn and we're going to go out and forget all about Nic in the room next door." For a moment Taylor grew serious.
"Are you sure you're doing this for all the right reasons? I'm fine with you going out with this Lauryn chick, but if you're doing it just to get away from Nic, I'm not sure I want you to." He snatched the number from my hands.
"No, I want to do this, Taylor." I reached for the number. He held it away from me. Was he joking? I was bigger, taller, and stronger than him, and he knew it. "Funny, Tay. Give it back or I will snap that twig you call an arm in half."
"You can't do that."
"Do you really want to try me?" I asked.
"You wouldn't. You want to know why?" I nodded. "Because you are still afraid of me. Or do you not seem to remember..." I backed away. "Do what you want, just think about what you're doing, okay?" He put the number on the desk and left the room.
I sat at my desk. I couldn't believe he'd brought that up. That was before...I haven't thought about that in a long time. I guess I was still intimidated by him, but I didn't like showing it. I tried to focus on the number on my desk. What the hell was I supposed to say to this girl? She must have been a fan at some point if she even knew about me while she was with Taylor. Ugh, fans. I can really hate fans sometimes. From the way Taylor was talking about her, I had a feeling she was going to scream when I called her.
I dialed her number and put the phone up to my ear. What the hell was I going to say to her?
"Hello?" a high-pitched, perky voice said. Please don't let this be her, I thought.
"Uh, is Lauryn there?" I asked. Suave. Very suave, Zac.
"This is Lauryn." Oh fuck. So, she's perky? I can get over that. "Who's this?"
"This is Zac Hanson." I heard a faint squeal. Oh God.
"Hi," she eventually said. Now how am I supposed to respond to that? I've never had to actually ask out a girl like this before. Usually they're all over me and it just sort of happens.
"So my brother was telling me all about you," I said. Okay, what the hell was that?
"Really? Did he say good things?" Ugh, that voice would be the death of me. It was already getting on my nerves and I haven't heard more than a few sentences from her. Well, I'll try to be as charming as possible.
"Yes he did, actually." The charming thing isn't going to work because I'm clueless on what to say. "Listen, I really don't know what to say, so how about we go out? Tonight, tomorrow, sometime in the near future?" She giggled. Okay, it wasn't meant to be funny.
"Sure. I can't do it tomorrow, I have practice, but tonight sounds good," she said. Practice? What practice? If she's a cheerleader I'm going to stab myself with this pen, I thought, picking up a pen.
"What kind of practice?"
"Oh, I'm a cheerleader. " I stabbed myself in the hand with the pen.
"Ow!" I said, looking at my hand. My finger started to bleed. Well, at least I know I'm no smarter than she is.
"What?"
"I stabbed myself with my pen," I told her.
"Well that was stupid." How rude! She was the one who wanted to go out with me; I could give a damn if I never saw her. I actually think it would be better if I never spoke to her again.
I finished the conversation quickly after that. I never liked the phone anyway. It meant you actually were required to have a conversation. This girl didn't have much substance to her.
After I put down the phone, I left my room and walked down the hall to the stairs. On the way I passed Nic's room. She was laying on her bed, her eyes closed with headphones encompassing her ears. The only way I could tell that she wasn't asleep was by her lips moving to the words. That was one of things I loved so much about her. It was something we both did, get lost in the world of music so entirely that we could just sit there and listen. She was among the few people I knew who could do that.
I leaned against the doorway, watching her with a smile on my face that only she could bring. I wish I could be invisible, be a fly on the wall even, so I could watch her and not have to worry about her seeing me, that torn look in her eyes. I remembered that look she gave me as our eyes met at the wedding just a few hours before. She had been so happy, so exuberant as she spoke so avidly to Taurii. But then our looks met and that brightness in her eyes suddenly vanished and she nearly cried. I couldn't bear to know that I was the cause of that sudden despondency.
She began to shift and in an instant I was out the door and heading back to my room. I'd forgotten why I even left to begin with; it was more definitely not to stare at Nic like that.
So, what am I going to do now? I went into my room and plopped onto my bed. Write? I don't exactly have an idea right now. It surprised me that I didn't, because usually this kind of sudden emotion and alteration in my life would bring on waves of ideas for songs, but I guess I was just at a loss. Could I listen to music? Sure, but I wasn't in the mood to have that be my main focus. Well, since I was thinking about Nic...
I got up and closed and locked my door. I had a few hours before my doomsday date with the cheerleader from Happyville, so I could get in a few strokes in my painting. I went over to the closet and opened my chest locked with a padlock. Okay, so I'm a little overprotective, but I really don't want people knowing about this. In a few months I'll have enough work to do a show, which I'll let my family see eventually. I just want my work to be truly accepted before I show it to my family and have them say 'Oh, how nice' like it's a two-year-old's picture in crayon of illegible scribble.
I took out my canvas stand and put my canvas on it. I brought over my chair and took out my paints. I sat on my chair and looked at the canvas. This was going to be my centerpiece, the piece de resistance, if you will.
I took my remote and put on some music, then looked over my painting. I've been working on it for almost seven months now. I've been actually painting it for about four; this was the only portrait I'd done thorough research for. That sounds weird. I'm doing research for a portrait. I had notes and everything, just in case I forgot anything. I wanted this to be perfect. I wasn't quite sure why, but there was something I wanted to capture.
I looked over what I had already. I had the inside of a taxicab, the torn seats and the charcoal hair of the driver, gum on the floor and a 'no smoking' sign on the back of the front passenger's seat. The meter was hard to read because of the angle wasn't focused to see it, but it was there, the red rusted flag down and the number reading fifteen cents. I had the majority of Nic's body; all she needed was a face and hair. Her face would take forever to do, I knew. It'd take me at least twenty tries on scrap paper to get it right. There was so many emotions, so much pain I had to express by a single look on her face. Outside the cab's back window was me. I didn't have a face either. I had the shape, just no expression. I wanted to capture a desperate emotion, torn and confused and worried all at the same time. I had no clue how to express it. I picked up the paintbrush and began to color in a sketched area of the hotel outside the cab's window.
My biggest fear was that I wouldn't be able to finish this. I knew what I wanted; I just wasn't sure how to express it. I'd work on that later, when I wasn't so unsure of myself. But, for now, I'd just think about it.