“I’m sorry. That wasn’t as fun as it was supposed to be,” Zac said, in the car on the way home.
“Are you kidding? I had a blast!” I said. It was true. Mike was hilarious, he commented on every painting and cracked a joke every five minutes. I was constantly laughing.
“Really?” he asked. “You’re not just saying that?”
“No, I’m serious. I had a great time with Mike. But, can we not go back to the hotel? I wanted to spend some time with you and I never got to.”
“Sure.”
“You want to grab some food?” I asked. We found a quaint little restaurant to go to. We went inside and were seated quickly. I waited for him to ask questions about how I liked his work. It was inevitable that he would, and I wanted to tell him how I felt.
“How’d you like my work?” Zac asked.
“Well, frankly Zac, I didn’t even know you could paint. But, it was among the greatest I’ve seen.” He smiled.
“You don’t know how good that feels coming from you.”
“Hey, I do what I can. But, Zac, how did you do that painting of me? You had everything perfect from the white gum on the floor of the cab to the pain I could see in your eyes—you even had my left shoe untied and it was!”
“I asked around. I found out Isaac untied your shoe and Darling noticed it as you left.”
“How about the position I was in? I was actually like that through most of the ride to the airport,” I said.
“That was pure coincidence.”
“It all amazes me so much that you could get things down perfectly like that. I mean me in the picture actually had tears glistening in my eyes.”
“I think some of that has to do with you and the way you look at it. Everyone gets something different out of art—any kind of art. Whether it’s abstract or still life, or a different kind of art like writing. It’s all in the person’s feelings and emotions and the way that you perceive things. You probably went back to the day you left and you saw your own pain and you saw my pain because that’s how we were feeling at the time.”
“You’re too philosophical for me.”
“No I’m not. I’m just smarter than you,” he joked.
“Oh thanks. That makes me feel better.” I shook my head. The waitress came around. “You know what I want.” I hadn’t said anything to him, but we’d been to this type of restaurant a few times before and I always ordered the same thing.
“Keep talking; I’m listening,” he said as he ordered.
“I noticed the same situation with your other art,” I continued. “I knew a lot of those scenes you painted and they all appealed to me in the same way. Another one I really liked was your scene with Amber on the balcony with the needle in her arm.”
“Yeah, that one sold pretty quickly,” Zac said. The waitress walked away with our order. I took a breadstick and took a bit from it.
“She was really high that night,” I said.
“Yes, I thought she was going to kill herself.”
The picture was of Amber, high as a kite, holding onto the edge of the balcony with the heroin needle still in her arm. It was based on a night last year, I don’t remember what city but it was still in the United States. She’d done way too much heroin, and went out onto the balcony. She scared everyone when she threatened to kill herself, but she passed out on the balcony before she could.
That night was scary. That was the first time I realized how much drugs could fuck up a person. If she didn’t pass out at that moment she would have jumped over that ledge.
“So,” I said, trying to change the subject, “how much did you sell?”
“Just about every one. I sold all the ones I wanted to sell. The only ones that weren’t sold were the ones I wanted to keep.”
“Are you really giving me that one painting? You could have sold that thing for so much money.”
“But I don’t want the money. I wanted you to have it.”
“I didn’t mean to keep the money for yourself. You could have sold it then given me all the money,” I said, smiling. “No, I wouldn’t want you to sell it anyway. It’s so beautiful, I can’t believe you’re giving it to me.”
“We’re going to keep it in the gallery for a few more weeks, then it’s going to be shipped to your place,” he said. “I’d just give it to you, but knowing you, you’d lose it. I know how you are with valuable items.”
“Hey, I still have that jewelry you gave me.” I was actually wearing it.
“Yeah, but that’s two weeks. Let me know if you still have it at the end of the tour.”
“I’ll still have it.”
“I can bet you anything you won’t.”
“Oh really? I just might take you up on that offer,” I said. “Okay, if I win, you have to cut your hair.”
“Cut my hair?” he said, clutching onto his hair. “Why my hair?”
“It’s getting too long.” I saw his lower lip begin to quiver. “You said anything.”
“I didn’t think you’d want me to cut my hair! I love my hair! How much do I have to cut off? All of it?” He looked so cute like that. He ws scared out of his mind that I was going to make him cut his hair.
“No, but it does have to be significantly shorter. Above your shoulders.”
"But..."
“Just once. And it’ll grow back, I promise.” He made a face.
“Fine. If I win, which I will because I’m not cutting my hair, you have to break up with Taylor and go out with me.” Oh my God, he did not just say that…
“Deal.” I held out my hand. “Shake or I won’t do it.”
“Okay.” We shook hands. I contemplated taking off one of my earrings and throwing across the room right then and there, but then Zac wouldn’t think it was a fair deal if I agreed with him.
The truth was, even if I won I wouldn’t make him cut his hair. I knew how much he loved his hair, and I liked it too. But I was getting too long. I noticed he’d cut it, but it was still below his shoulders. I just wanted to see him with short hair.
“How are you and Taylor doing anyway?” he asked. “I see a break-up in your future.”
“Well I don’t,” I said. “We’re doing good. We did have a fight earlier, but we’re better now. I gave him some time to cool off.”
“Big fight? What about?”
“I don’t even remember anymore. All I know is that it wasn’t that important,” I lied. I hated lying, and that went double with Zac. I never could like to him. But, as long as I kept biting my breadstick, I wouldn’t falter.
“It’s going to take you all night to finish that breadstick. I’d hate to see how you’re gonna eat your food.”
“Oh, you know I can stuff it all down in less than three bites.”
“Not here.”
“Why not? Don’t you want me to finish my food before the waitress walks away?” I asked. I saw the waitress walk up with our food and I smiled.
“No, Nic.”
“I’m kidding, honey.” The waitress put down our plates and our drinks on the table, smiled, and then walked away. I looked at my food. “This isn’t what I ordered,” I said. “This is yours.”
We switched plates. It was funny to me how we both knew each other’s favorite food at a particular restaurant that we hadn’t been to in about a year.
“At least I know the service still sucks,” he said. He took a bite from his food and made a face. “And so does the food. Why do we come here again?”
“Good breadsticks.”
“Oh.” We both neglected our food and ate the breadsticks.
The look on the waitress’s face was classic when she came back around and we hadn’t touched our food, but all the breadsticks were gone.
“Are you even planning on eating your food?” she asked, annoyed. I smiled.
“No, not really. We could use some more breadsticks, though,” I said. She took our plates and walked away, huffing. “She took my food! Well her tip is out the window.”
“You’re so mean,” Zac said. “But you weren’t going to eat it anyway.”
“I could have.”
“You weren’t.”
“I know. But I liked hassling people” I sat back and waited for our breadsticks to come.
“Did you have fun?” Taylor asked as I walked in. Lauryn was in there (no surprise) and left once she saw Zac was back. I gave her an evil look and debated tripping her as she passed by.
“How come you didn’t tell me it was Zac’s show?” I asked. “We get there and I have all these cameras flashing at me. I had no clue why.”
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t know it was Zac’s show.”
“Well that’s not a good reason!” I closed the door Lauryn left so graciously open and started changing out of my dress.
“Hello!” Taylor said.
“What?”
“You’re changing right in front of me! Am I not supposed to be looking or something? I get no warning! I just look up and your breasts are right there.”
“I have a bra on.”
“It’s still there.”
“Yeah, it’s there when I have a shirt on too. I don’t care, Tay. I’m not going to go full-fledged naked in front of you but I will change.”
“Why not?”
“You get freaked out over me in a bra, and you expect me to show you without it on? What are you going to do? Scream and run from the room shouting ‘my eyes, my virgin eyes?’ ”
“No,” he said. “And my eyes are hardly virgin.”
“I know that. But you’re acting as if you’ve never seen it before.”
“Well I’ve never seen yours before.”
“Dude, they’re all the same! You’ve seen one; you’ve seen them all. I don’t get the whole deal with them anyway.”
“They’re fun.”
“Fun? Oh dear God, Tay, you need help.”
“Fine, then. They’re sexy.”
“No, you said they were fun first. That entitles you the stamp of stupidity.” I smacked his forehead. “There you go.”
“What? What’s wrong with them being fun?” I pulled a shirt over my head so he would stop staring at my chest. I looked around for my pants.
“Have you seen my pants? The big ones I sleep in?”
“Um, no…” Taylor said. I looked over and he had them on.
“Taylor! You’re wearing my pants!” I climbed on the bed and started pulling them of him. “Since when did you start wearing pants to bed?”
“Hey! Get off me!”
“Oh my God!” I heard from the door. I looked over. I knew it was Darling who said it, but both Darling and Isaac walked in. “Please tell me this isn’t what it looks like.”
“No, it’s not,” I said. “Not at all. Taylor stole the pants I sleep in.”
“So you got on top of him and started pulling them off?” Darling asked. “And why were you changing in front of him?”
“Because I changed in front of him, that’s why. I don’t care. You two just walked in at an odd moment.”
“Very odd moment,” Taylor said. “We don’t have sex.” I shook my head. Realizing the position I was in wouldn’t support that; I got off Taylor and sat next to him.
“You know what? We’ll come back,” Isaac said, “when you two aren’t in such a compromising situation.
“No! That’s okay, I’ll just get some other pants,” I said.
“No, we’ll come back.” They left. I turned to Taylor.
“Look what you did.”
“Me? At least I actually have pants on. I’m not walking around in my underwear.”
“Gimme my pants back!” I pulled the pants off him. “So what did you and Lauryn do when I was gone?” I started pulling my pants off.
“We actually had sex.”
I looked at my one leg in my pants, and threw them on the ground. “Ew! You had sex with her and you put my pants on? I’ll have to burn these now! Ew!”
“I have boxers on, I don’t see the big deal.”
“Thank God you have boxers on! I couldn’t stand you freeballing in my pants!” He laughed. “It’s not funny! I may love these pants but I’m going to burn them because she was on your thing and then you put my pants on! Why did you put my pants on?”
“I heard you down the hall and those were all I could find! I didn’t see mine anywhere!”
“And I’m sure you wouldn’t have time to put them on. Your pants are so damn tight, I’m surprised how you get in them. It must take you all day to get in some of those things I see.”
“Nic, I’m not that bad.” I went into his bag and pulled out a pair of leather pants he’d worn at the previous night’s concert.
“How the hell do you get in these? They’re like a negative five in size! How can you sit down in these? And you can’t wear underwear with this because what you wear are so baggy.” I glanced at the boxers he had on. “Oh, those are cute.”
“Yeah, I got them before the tour.” I looked at them; they had leopard print on the elastic band with a print of the Tasmanian Devil on one leg dubbed in a very Hugh Hefner-esque clothing.
“I can see why your wore those. They’re your pimping boxers.”
“Yup.” I laughed. “What’s there to laugh about? I got some, didn’t I?”
“Yeah. Do you think Zac will find out?” I asked. Taylor shook his head. “Damn. That would have worked out so perfect.”
“Are you going to put your pants on or am I going to stare at you in your underwear all night?”
“No, I’m not putting them on. I won’t put them on until they’re washed. I don’t want any chance of any part of Lauryn getting on those.” I glanced at my discarded pants on the floor. “And don’t be staring at my lap. Just cause I don’t got my pants on doesn’t mean it’s an invitation to get in them.”
“Okay, okay. I won’t stare. At least I’ll try not to.” He looked at me. “Don’t you have any other pants to wear?
“Yeah, but I don’t want to look for them right now.”
“Oh. So it’s your choice to sit there in your underwear.”
“You’re doing it too!”
“Mine is more acceptable than yours. So you’re sitting there like than on purpose. I know you, you want some and you don’t want to say it.”
“I don’t think so, honey. I’m going to sleep.” I got under the covers.
“You want my sexy body.”
“No, you want my sexy body,” I said.
“True.” He got up off the bed and starting cleaning up a bit. I was confused.
“Are you actually cleaning?” I asked. He nodded. “Since when do you clean, hun?”
“Since this place got really messy,” he said. He noticed my confused look. “I’m not a slob all the time. I know you like it clean, I might as well do you a favor.”
“Um...okay.”
“Did you have fun tonight with Zac?”
“I wasn’t exactly with Zac all night. We spent some time together, at the beginning and the end, but in the middle he was making speeches and talking to people who were interested in buying his stuff. I spent most of the night with this guy Mike. I actually did have a nice time with him. Zac and I did go out to dinner afterwards so we could spend some time together.”
“Is that why you two got back so late?”
“It’s not that late,” I said. I looked at the clock; it was almost one-thirty. “At least we didn’t stay out till four-thirty again.”
“Thank God. With my luck, Lauryn would have fallen asleep over here. She is not fun to wake up to.”
“I know. She was the first voice I heard when I stayed over at Zac’s. It wasn’t fun.” I looked at him cleaning. He didn’t need to worry about something like that for me. “So are you going to come to bed or are you going to stay up and clean? I’d sleep better knowing you’re next to me.”
“Sure.” He smiled and climbed into the bed. I caught onto his smile as he put his arm around my waist and I felt his body against mine.
I wasn’t supposed to like this. I wasn’t supposed to ask him to sleep next to me. I wasn’t supposed to have his arm around me and his lips brushing against my cheek. The thought of me actually falling for him, to the point of me forgetting Zac even existed, sent tears to my eyes.
“Are you alright?” he whispered in my ear. It sent a shiver down my spine. I could have him if I wanted. I could just forget about Zac and be Taylor’s real girlfriend. Say I love you and mean it, do things and go further than we dared to now.
Despite the grossness factor, I wondered what I would be like to sleep with him. Like actually have sex with him. Sure, I could give in at any point here. But I knew if I ever did give in to him, I’d never want to leave.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Just making sure.”
“Do you ever think about what could have been? How we’d be in a real relationship?”
“I think we’d be like we are now.”
“Really? You think about it often?”
“All the time.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“I know what I shouldn’t do, babe. I shouldn’t call you babe. I shouldn’t be holding you like this...” I found his hand on my waist and laced my fingers with his. “...I shouldn’t be loving you like this. I know what I shouldn’t do. But everything I shouldn’t do is everything I need to do to feel whole.” I felt his head move and his lips brush over my neck.
“You don’t need me to feel whole.”
“Yes I do. And you need me, you just don’t know it yet.” As much as I could shoot him for saying that, it was true. I knew it already, I just had trouble coping with it.
I reached up to the lamp to turn out the light. As darkness surpassed the room and sleep came over me, I heard him speak once more.
“I love you, Nic…”