I got out of the hospital, just in time for the boys to go to London. I’ve always wanted to see London…but my mom didn’t want me to go, afraid I’d have another attack.
"Mom, please!!! I’ll have my pills, I’ve been going to therapy, please let me go!! I won’t freak out, I promise. Please?" I asked, giving her pleading eyes. I felt like I was nine.
"Fine, but if you freak out I’m never letting you come with us," she told me. I smiled, and gave her a big hug.
"Thank you mom!" I ran upstairs to go pack. We would be in London for a few days and then to New York for the Rosie O’Donnel show, then back home. So we’d be gone a week or so.
To say the truth, I never unpacked from when we were supposed to go to LA. So my clothes were still in there. I put a few more things in my half-stuffed suitcase and I was done. I never took very long to pack, I just threw things in.
The plane was to leave in an hour, and I noticed Carlton not making any effort to do anything. "You staying behind, Carlton?" I asked. He nodded. "Why?"
"I don’t feel like going anywhere. Anyways, I’m going home in a few days."
"Why?"
"I have a family, Tini. I had a wife, she’s already mad at me for leaving without her. I’ll be back, I’ll bring her along so you can meet her."
"What’s her name?"
"Angela." I nodded.
"Tini! If you’re coming with us then I suggest you better get your butt down here!" I heard my mom yell. I gave Carlton a hug, told him to come back soon, and grabbed my suitcase.
Quickly I ran downstairs, gave my suitcase to my mom and ran out the door. She figured the reason I had an attack was because I rode in the car with her to the Hansons’.
I checked my pockets for my pills, making sure they were there, then ran down the street.
"Hey!" I told Zac, who was throwing a suitcase in the car.
"You’re coming with us?" he asked. "I heard you weren’t."
"I begged my mom into letting me. And I won’t freak out this time and have to make a scene. I’ll be fine." He smiled.
"Good."
"You don’t sound so thrilled about it," I said.
"I’m just tired. If you expect to get a lot of sleep I suggest you don’t come." I shrugged. "I’m serious."
"You changed."
"What?"
"You changed, Zac. I don’t see you for a day and all of a sudden you’re not the same person."
"I told you, I’m just tired. I didn’t get any sleep last night. Tay was sick and he kept running out of the room, Ike didn’t sleep at all either." I tried to look in his eyes, but he was avoiding me.
"Zac, look at me," I said. He finally let his eyes find me, and I read fear. The same fear I had seen in my eyes before.
"What’s wrong, Zac?"
"Nothing…"
"There’s something wrong. I know it, I can tell. I know that kind of fear, Zac. What is it?"
"I told you it’s nothing. Drop it," he said. I sighed, not understanding why he wouldn’t tell me. Figuring with all that had been going on with me, he would be able to say if something was wrong with him. I told him about my problems, why couldn’t I hear his?
I didn’t say anymore, I didn’t even look at him. Eventually everyone was ready. Taylor looked perfectly fine, he wasn’t pale, there wasn’t a trace that he had been sick the night before. But as I glanced back at Zac, he looked pale, he looked sick.
Tay bounded up to me. "You coming along?" he asked, his voice sounding normal.
"Yeah. You don’t look like you were sick last night," I said, suspiciously. Tay gave me a weird look.
"I wasn’t sick last night," he said.
"Well Zac told me you were sick."
"Zac was the one who was sick yesterday. He says he has the flu or something, but truthfully, I don’t think that’s why." I put my hands on my hips.
"Hmm…it seems like your little brother has been lying to me. Well, I’ll just ignore him until he gets mad and tells me," I said, and got into the car.
People started getting into cars, and the aura around me got more and more hectic. I just breathed, staring out the window. As long as I had a window, I would be fine.
Zac sat down next to me, I could tell it was him because he took my hand. I let him grip it, not acknowledging him at all. It was sort of fun ignoring him. A million-dollar celebrity was gripping my hand and I wasn’t even caring.
"Come on Tini, you can’t just ignore me."
I didn’t say anything.
"Oh fine, be that way." I could tell he started to pout but it didn’t matter, no one noticed. And he was still holding my hand. I turned to him, seeing right through his puppy dog eyes.
"You can let go of my hand now." I saw his eyes fill up as he released my hand. I turned away from him, back to the window. I saw Taylor grin in the front seat.
"Zac, you can stop acting like a baby, no one cares." I almost had to laugh, but I contained it with a small smile. Zac started complaining, almost automatically.
"Well I think you would pout too if you knew what I was going through right now," he said, guilt dripping in his voice. It didn’t work.
"Then Zac, why don’t you tell us?" Ike asked. Luckily we were in the small car, with Isaac driving, Tay in shotgun, and me and Zac stuck in the back. There was room for another person but nobody wanted to come along with us.
Diana had thought that it wasn’t such a great idea. She knew how hot my temper was, and put it together with the three boys who were just as bad as me, well, there could be an uproar.
People started leaving, so Ike pulled out into the road. "Yeah, I’m sure we’d love to know," I said, turning back to him. With three against one, the odds were that we would succeed. Then again, Zac is very stubborn.
"Why should I tell you?" Zac asked, directing to all three of us. "If I tell you I know all I’ll get it pity and sympathy. I mean just look at Tini!"
"What the hell? I don’t have anything to do with it."
"You have everything to do with it!!!" Zac yelled at me. I blinked, not expecting a scream from him. He can yell pretty loud.
"Zac shut up!" Ike said, being careful not to drive off the road. Zac’s scream surprised him too.
"Fine, then I just won’t say anything at all. I’m sure you guys really don’t need me, you just take up the whole world anyway."
"What are you talking about?" Taylor asked, glancing at Zac through the rear-view mirror.
"Nevermind."
"No, what are you talking about?" Taylor repeated.
"Nevermind."
"You’re telling me."
"NO!"
I felt like an outcast, and I felt like I started the whole fight. I really did. I was ignoring him and I got him pissed and now he’s on the verge of killing Taylor.
I sat back and laid low, wanting so much to get out of the car. What was wrong with me and going places? I never understood. All three of them started yelling at each other, Zac saying something about no one understanding, Taylor demanding that Zac tell him what was going on, and Isaac trying his best to get them to shut up, but he wasn’t very successful.
"SHUT UP!" I screamed, five times louder than all of them combined. The car grew silent, Taylor and Zac staring at me while Isaac was trying to drive.
"You know you started it, Tini," Zac said. I looked at him, shocked. "Well don’t look so surprised, you did!"
"No I didn’t, you started it! You were the one complaining and all I was doing was trying to find out what the hell is wrong with you. That’s all we trying to do because we care."
"I don’t" Tay remarked.
"Shut up Taylor," I said, not even looking at him. Taylor gave up, and just went back to staring out the window. "We want to know what’s wrong with you, and whatever is wrong, it can’t be that bad."
"Fine," Zac said. "If you really want to know."
"Yes, we really want to know," Ike said.
"I have cancer."
The car came to a screeching halt.
"What?" Tay said, barely in a whisper. Zac said it over, and Taylor bit his lip. "My God…"
"I don’t see the big deal…" I started. Zac turned to me.
"Well that’s you. That’s you, Tini. You may have tumors everywhere and are still able to survive. You’re an enigma; a mystery. I don’t know how you’re here but you are. I don’t know how you can live with all this shit in your body but you are. Well not everyone in the world is like you, Tini. I’m not and to me this is a big deal. To me this could be the end of my career, it could be the end of my life. Somehow you’re still able to survive but I might not! It’s ignorant, really. You seem to have this picture of life that everything is going to be O.K. but people suffer, people cry." Zac gazed right into me.
"People die."
I had retreated to the farthest corner, as far away from him as I could get in such a small car. I didn’t want to admit it, but he was right. I thought everyone would be O.K. just because I was. I thought nothing else could go wrong as long as I survived.
"I admit I’m wrong…" I started.
"Damn right you’re wrong."
"Zac, you don’t have to rub it in. I’m not a very good apology person, this is hard for me. I know that I think everyone’s going to be O.K. but I only hope for the best for you."
I hadn’t noticed that the car was over on the side of the road. It’s good we had enough time to do this. Ike and Tay were staring at us, not willingly but they wanted to hear it all.
"Well hoping doesn’t always work." Zac looked over to the front of the car. Isaac immediately turned around and started driving again, but Taylor met his eyes.
"You’re cold," he said, and turned around. "She only wants the best and you’re acting like she doesn’t care."
"Don’t talk about me like I’m not here!" I said.
"Tini, why did you even come along? Ever since we got into the car you’ve just fucked up everything," Zac asked.
"I came along cause I don’t want to be at my house alone like a reject. And I enjoyed being with you guys cause y’all are the first people who can actually handle being with me for more than twenty minutes without calling me a freak!"
"Don’t make us pity you cause that’s the last thing we need," Taylor yelled.
"I’m not trying to make you pity me, Taylor. Really I don’t care what you think about me but it seemed that I thought of you guys as my first friends and I liked it. But now I really don’t know. Maybe you really are just as stuck up as you seem!"
The car grew silent for the third time.
"You think we’re stuck up?" Zac finally said, lightly.
"Yes."
The car eased to a stop. I looked out the window, and saw the airport. The flight to London was six hours. Just realizing how long that was made me think. Why am I even bothering?
They hate me, they know I think they’re stuck up, they don’t want me to go along. Why am I putting myself through hell to go?
We got out. They weren’t speaking to me. The brothers stood right next to each other, trying not to look at me. I felt really bad, they hated me and I deserved it.
"I don’t think you should come along," Zac said. "We might rub off on you." I didn’t say anything, tears stinging my eyes. "And don’t put on the waterworks, it doesn’t become you."
"Zac, lighten up on her," Ike said.
"Ike she thinks we’re snobs!" Zac said, barely being able to say the word. Isaac shook his head.
"We’re sorry," he said.
"No we’re not!" Tay said.
"Yes we are," Ike retorted, the personality of their father washing over him.
"Isaac I hate it when you do that! You speak for us like we’re not here! Like we have no point in living! And you’re really starting to act like Dad when you’re only two years older than me!" Taylor said.
"Tay, you do it to!" Zac said. The tension was building, they were about to explode. I had nothing to do but stand there and watch. I wanted to run but I still didn’t know the town all that well, so I wouldn’t know where to go.
The family car pulled up into a space near where we were. I was on one side, facing the three brothers arguing with each other on the opposite side of the car.
I don’t know how, but somehow they got me back into the argument. Something about why I’m going. "You think I actually want to go?" I asked, my tears gone at the moment, anger in my eyes now. Somehow we got back to me being the cruelest person in the world.
"Then why are you here, Tini?" Taylor asked. "Why do we have to put up with you if you don’t want to go? You don’t have to, we don’t need you there."
"Yeah well then maybe I won’t go!" I yelled back at him.
"You’re going," Diana interrupted, cutting off Taylor before he got a chance to yell at me some more. "Now I knew it was a big mistake to let you go alone, I knew you would get into a fight. I need all of you going, especially Tini."
"Why?" Zac asked.
"Since you three do nothing but sit around and refuse to help me, I need someone to keep everyone in line, and since she’s older than all of you…"
"Diana!" I yelled. She turned to me, and I gave her a shocked look.
"Oops."
"What are you talking about, mom?" Zac inquired. I slid down on the car to the ground. Diana turned around, biting her lip. Big mistake, lady. "What do you mean?"
Diana looked back to me. "Tell them," I mumbled. They would of found out anyway.
"Tini isn’t fourteen." Zac gave his mom a strange look. "She’s eighteen." The strange look turned into a look of horror. Zac knew what that meant.
"Oh fuck!" he said, sitting on the ground. Diana knew how upset he was, so she let the swear slide. If this gets out, I could be accused for pedophilia or rape or something. Now that I was over 18, I couldn’t be with Zac anymore. Actually, I wasn’t supposed to be with him in the first place.
"You mean she’s older than me?" Taylor asked. Diana nodded, while I remained on the ground, staring underneath the car at Zac’s wrongly tied shoes.
"She’s older than Isaac."
"WHAT?" Ike yelled.
"Not by much, but she is." I continued to stare at Zac’s shoes. Then, out of nowhere, I saw his hands untie his laces, and then retie them the way I wanted them to be. I smiled a small smile.
"Why did you lie to me about your age, Tini?" Zac asked, on the plane. I was fine with getting on, and taking off. I actually liked looking out the window while the plane soared up into the sky.
I turned to Zac. His eyes were slightly red. Had he been crying? I knew he wouldn’t admit it if he was. "I don’t know, I guess I really just wanted to be with you, and if I’m the age I’m supposed to be then I couldn’t."
"I don’t know how to act around you anymore, I’m afraid somebody’s going to see us and you’ll get in trouble," he admitted, pulling his knees up to his chest. He had just come over from his seat when the pilot turned off the seat belt sign.
These first class seats were pretty nice. Too fancy for me, but Zac’s been adjusted, he’s used to it. "No one’s gonna find out."
"People find out everything. Like you told Taylor when were going to the airport the last time, we don’t have a personal life. I’m sure the paparazzi would love to get hold of this story."
"I’m sure they would like to, but the won’t get it." I glanced around, then kissed him. I can’t explain it very well, but the kiss felt like a kiss of secret. I wasn’t supposed to, but I did anyway.
I pulled away after some time. "I’m sorry we can’t do this freely," I told him.
"We wouldn’t of been able to anyway. Rumors spread fast about girlfriends."
"Am I a girlfriend?"
"You’re close enough." I smiled, and glanced down at his shoes. Apparently he noticed. "I fixed them."
"You’re sweet."
"No, I’m sour!" he said, and made an upset face. I laughed. "You know, they don’t allow cameras on the plane when we’re travelling. They recognize the paparazzi around here and don’t allow them to travel with us."
"That’s good to know."
"So we’re basically free…unless there’s a police officer who can tell age really well. And I doubt that, considering from when I got up there was maybe three other people here."
"Wonderful," I said, smiling. He smiled back, and kissed me again.