The next day Zac had little time to think about the problems he'd come across the night before. The hometown show was always nerve racking, and although it was in a small venue, it was sold out and sold out shows always made his heart race. However, whenever Zac got a moment to himself, the words Ben had told him the night before rolled through his mind and he usually got so mad he hit something or broke something. He'd broken three drumsticks already and everyone was noticing.
"Hey, Zac, are you all right?" Taylor asked, watching as Zac sat down, obviously pissed off.
"I'm fine," Zac snapped. Taylor sighed and walked over to him.
"Is this about that Ben kid?"
"Is what about Ben? What'd you hear?" Taylor put his hands up in defense.
"Jesus, Zac, I didn't hear anything. You were just pissed off about him being invited to the show last night, I was just wondering if you were still mad about that. You look like it." Zac shook his head. "Do you want to talk about it? We've got about ten minutes of down time, we can go somewhere and chat."
"No I don't want to talk about it," Zac immediately snapped. "This isn't something you just talk about. He pissed me off and I hate his guts now. When are they supposed to be here?"
"I don't know," Taylor said. "Any minute now, I guess."
"And I just know he's going to be with them," Zac spat, his voice lowering. "I just know he's going to show his little fag face here."
"What?" Taylor asked. Zac looked up at him.
"Nothing. If he's with them I don't want to see them when they get here."
"Hey Zac!" Zac looked over and groaned as his friends entered and walked up to him. He was surprised to see Jayden, Carter, and Nix there. Bronwyn was trailing slightly behind with Ben, and Zac immediately scowled. Jayden was in front as they all walked up to Zac, who was still sitting down. "Oh, hey Taylor."
"Hey Jayden."
"I haven't seen you around lately." Taylor shrugged.
"Yeah, well I have a life of my own now," Taylor said, smiling. "Nice to see you all again. Zac, we've gotta start in about ten minutes, don't go anywhere."
"Whatever," Zac said. Taylor walked away.
"Zac, what's wrong?" Carter asked. "You look massively pissed off." Zac's eyes flickered to Ben for a moment, who was looking around, making sure he didn't have eye contact with Zac.
"I'm fine," he said and stood up. "Listen, guys, I've got a lot of stuff to do before we go out there, so I'll see you after the show, okay?"
"Stuff to do?" Jayden asked. "Like what?" Zac sighed.
"All right," Zac said. "Do you want to know the truth? I want to get the fuck away from him." Zac pointed at Ben. "Now if you'll excuse me�"
"Why?" Nix asked.
"He knows why," Zac said, raising his voice so he knew Ben could hear, who was still looking away. "Nobody fucking invited you, Ben, so just go home." Ben finally looked over at him. "Yeah, just leave."
"Zac!" Bronwyn immediately scolded.
"I don't care, all right? I don't want him here! I don't want you here, so just go home, you stupid little cock sucking bitch!"
"Zac! Oh my God, what has gotten in to you?" Jayden asked. "That's not cool!"
"No," Ben said, "Don't yell at him. I'll go."
"Ben, no, you stay, Zac is totally out of line," Bronwyn said. Ben shook his head.
"No he isn't," Ben said. "I'll go." Ben turned around and left the same time Zac turned around and walked in the other direction. Bronwyn, just as mad as everyone else, followed after him and caught up with him down the hall.
"Don't even, Wynn," Zac said, not bothering to stop walking. He had no idea where he was going.
"What was that, Zac? What happened?" she asked.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Stop," she said, grabbing his hand. He stopped and turned around. "Zac, that was rude and offensive. Ben was really excited about coming here. You know how big of a fan he is."
"No I don't, and I don't care," he told her. "He should have thought of that before he told me�" He paused. Told me I'm gay, he finished in his head.
"Told you what?"
"It doesn't matter, Wynn. I don't want to see him around anymore. I don't want to see him again. If that means I can't spend time with my best friends anymore, then fine. I'll do it. I just don't want to deal with him ever again."
"What is the matter with you?" Bronwyn asked.
"Nothing's the matter with me!" He yelled. She gave him a look. "I have a show to perform." He brushed by her and found his brothers.
"You okay, Zac?" Isaac asked. Zac nodded. "Your friends are a little PO'd, we heard them talking about you."
"Yeah, well they can talk about me all they want," Zac said. "It's not going to change anything." He sighed and scratched his arm. He suddenly felt very bad. He did know Ben was a fan, actually Ben was the only one of his friends who was, and Zac had made him leave. Zac's eyes drifted over to his friends. Bronwyn had joined them again and they were obviously talking about him. He wasn't that kind of person. Yeah, he lost his temper at times, but he wasn't the kind of person to make someone leave like that.
"So you ready to go out there?" Taylor asked.
"Just a sec," Zac said. He ran over to his friends who looked expectedly up at him. "Um�you can tell Ben that he can come back and watch the show if he wants." They seemed to be waiting for an apology, but that was not about to happen. "I'm still pissed off at him, all right? I'm only doing this because he's a fan and, well, I need all the fans I can get."
"What happened, Zac?" Jayden asked. "You won't say, Ben won't say�"
"That doesn't concern you," Zac said. "Just tell him he can watch the show. We're going to start now so tell him to hurry." Zac turned around and walked back to his brothers. Jayden pulled out his cell phone and called Ben. As Zac took the stage, he saw his friends move to the side of the stage to watch, Ben now with them.
After the show Zac decided to take Bronwyn home, although he was exhausted and sweaty. Bronwyn didn't seem to mind because time alone with Zac was pretty limited. Zac had already made it very clear that he didn't want to talk about Ben, and that only led to an awkward silence between them. Things were obviously different and Zac was afraid he knew exactly why.
"So," Bronwyn said, "that was an awesome show."
"Thanks," Zac said.
"We all really liked it. I mean we all had a good time."
"Wynn when I said we weren't going to talk about Ben, I meant in every sense possible. Don't even go there." She sighed.
"I'm sorry, I just think it's ridiculous."
"You have no idea, all right? You have no idea what happened."
"Then tell me! Make me understand," she told him. He shook his head. "Then I'm going to continue to think it's ridiculous."
"Just stay out of things that don't involve you, all right?" She huffed and crossed her arms. "Geez," he breathed. She looked out of the window the rest of the ride to her house and got out of the car without even saying goodbye. Zac decided not to go after her, mostly because he didn't want to deal with it at that point, and drove back home.
He didn't have a good performance. To the average person he seemed just fine, but he knew he was off all night. During a break in the show, Taylor yelled at him right in front of his friends, but he only yelled back and the next song was a little tense. From what he could see, Ben looked like he was having a good time, although he was obviously hurt from what Zac had said. Looking back on it, Zac did feel like he went too far, but he was mad. He had every reason to be.
It was during the show when something in Zac clicked and he was afraid for the rest of the night. He was doing a song and his eyes drifted off stage to his friends, singing and clapping along. Although most of them didn't necessarily like his music, they knew all the words just because it was their friend and it was just "so cool" that he had a few records out. While he was looking at them, instead of looking at Bronwyn he found his eyes landing on Ben. Of course he quickly looked back at the crowd, but when his eyes landed on Ben again his voice quivered a little bit and suddenly he was afraid. Why the hell did he have to look at Ben? Why didn't he look at Bronwyn? Of course it was probably all a big misunderstanding. Because of the fight with Ben, the guy was just on his mind. It was just as simple as that. Unfortunately, when Zac's eyes connected with Ben's that night he felt completely at home.
He looked up and wasn't at all surprised to find himself in the parking lot of Ben's apartment building. He sighed and looked around, finding Ben's car there. At least he was home. Slowly Zac got out of the car and walked into the building. He took the elevator to the fourth floor and went over to 4E. Sighing, he raised his hand to knock but couldn't bring himself to do it. He put his hand down and looked down the hall to the elevator. He couldn't knock on the door but he didn't want to leave either.
Sighing, he sat down across from the door on the floor and began to think. What the hell was he doing there? He had a girlfriend, and was happy with his girlfriend. That meant he wasn't gay. He couldn't be gay; his parents would disown him, his fans wouldn't understand, and he would be fodder for the tabloids. It's bad enough everyone thought he was gay to begin with; to confirm that would only make things worse. And he wasn't gay. Just the thought of it� He shivered. He wouldn't even know what to do. How do those kind of relationships work anyway? Who opens the door for whom? Who picks up the check? Who's on top?
To his great chagrin the door opened and Ben stopped immediately, his hand still on the edge of the door. "Zac?" he asked. "What are you doing here?" He didn't say anything. "You look like a mess," Ben said. "Get off the floor and come inside." Ben extended a hand and Zac took it, getting himself off the floor and into a standing position. Ben brought him inside and sat him down on the couch. "Can I get you anything?" Zac shook his head. Ben sat on the edge of table in front of him. "What's wrong?"
"You had no right to say I'm gay," Zac said, speaking to Ben in calm manner for the first time. Ben nodded.
"You're right. I didn't."
"And I'm sorry for yelling at you like that," Zac said. "I was completely out of line."
"I understand."
"Everything was just fine before you came along," Zac said, shaking his head. "Everything was great. I had an awesome girlfriend, I was happy, everything was going down a straight path, no pun intended, but now I'm just�I'm just�"
"Confused?" Ben filled. Zac nodded.
"I don't even know what to do anymore, Ben! I can't stop thinking about it. Why the hell did you have to go and do that?"
"I'm sorry!" Ben said. "I'm sorry that I'm making you doubt who you are. But don't you think it's better that you're doubting it now? What if I had never moved here, you never met me and everything went the way it was going. You got older, you got married, maybe you had some kids, then all of a sudden it happened. You met somebody, or something came up, and you got confused. There's so much more at stake there and you won't allow yourself to question it because you've got a wife, you've got kids� Zac, even if I'm wrong and you're not gay, wouldn't you feel better knowing for damn sure that you were happy the way you were?"
"It's not like that, Ben," Zac said, putting his elbows on his knees and his hands over his eyes, sighing.
"Then what's it like?" When Zac took his hands away from his face, Ben could see the tears in his eyes. "Tell me. It's okay." Zac took in a deep, shaky breath.
"I'm sure." Ben eyed him carefully.
"You're sure�about what?"
"I'm gay." Ben nodded. "And I don't want to be. This is going fuck up everything."
"It's not as bad as you think," Ben told him. "I mean, it's going to be really scary for a while, but once you get used to it you'll be really happy. It's basically the same thing, only you wake up and shave together." Zac cracked a smile. "That's better."
"Ugh, what am I going to do now, Ben?" Zac asked, falling over on the couch and putting one of the pillows over his face.
"Well, you've gotta tell your family and you really have to tell Bronwyn." Zac groaned and removed the pillow.
"How did you come out?" he asked.
"Well," Ben said. "My mother said 'Ben, when the hell are you going to come out of the closet? Everyone knows you're gay.' "
"That doesn't help me."
"No, I guess it doesn't," Ben said. "Come on, sit up." Zac did. "You don't have to do it right away. You can give yourself time to think about it, come to terms with it and everything. You do have to break up with Bronwyn though. You'll just be leading her on." Zac nodded. "You don't have to tell her you're gay either, not yet. Not if you're not ready. It's different for everybody."
"All right."
"And it's going to be okay," Ben said, wiping away a tear that had fallen out of Zac's eye. As his fingers grazed Zac's face, Zac smiled. "This is who you are." Ben's hand stayed on the side of Zac's face. "They're going to love you just the same." In an instant Zac had leaned in and pressed his lips against Ben's, who was surprised. The feeling didn't last long as Ben kissed him back, unable to hide the smile on his face at the feel of Zac's full lips against his. Zac didn't expect it to feel this right; the thought of kissing another man yesterday, even earlier the same day, would have made him vomit but there he was, enjoying it with every passing moment.
Zac pulled away and Ben was smiling. "Well," Ben said. "I wasn't really expecting that."
"Really?" Zac asked. He was smiling too.
"I wasn't expecting it, but I was hoping for it," Ben told him. "You should go home. You look exhausted."
"I am." They both stood up.
"I'll call you later, all right?" Ben asked. Zac nodded.
"Do you have my cell number?" Ben shook his head. "Let me give that to you." Ben grabbed the notepad near the phone and handed it to Zac.
"Geez, Zac," Ben said. "You've been out five minutes and you're already giving me your number." Zac scoffed.
"You already had my number." Zac quickly wrote his cell phone number down and handed it back to Ben. "I'll see you later." Ben nodded. Zac gave him a quick kiss and smiled again before leaving. Ben watched him walk down the hall to the elevator. When he got inside the elevator, and the door closed in front of him, Zac saw his reflection and couldn't mistake the large smile on his face.