Ben lived in a really nice apartment complex about two miles away. Zac parked his Beemer outside in a free space and went upstairs to the fourth floor where Ben's apartment was. He knocked on the door and Ben opened it a minute later with a smile. "Hey Zac," he said. "Come on in."
"Thanks," Zac said. He stepped inside and looked around. Ben's apartment wasn't very big, but then again the only other person who lived there was his mother, and the two of them didn't need very much. It was quaint, with a lot of pictures of Ben and his mother (not surprisingly there were absolutely none of his father), and with a lot of pastels. It seemed to fit Ben quite nicely.
"Uh, so what do you want to do?" Ben asked. "Another movie? Or are you going to just fall asleep?"
"I think a movie would be just fine," Zac said. He turned and Ben laughed. "What?"
"Oh, nothing," Ben said. "It's just, um, I think you fell asleep on your watch." Zac gave him a questioning look, and Ben pointed at a mirror on the wall. Zac looked in it and found the imprint of his watchband on the side of his forehead.
"Oh," Zac said, looking down. "Well, I guess I did."
"Nice�"
"Shut up."
"Anyway, we can watch the movie out here or we can watch it in my room, unless that makes you uncomfortable," Ben said, testing Zac out. Zac sighed.
"You know what? It does make me uncomfortable." Ben sat down on the recliner in the living room, which was directly in front of the front door, and Zac took the liberty of sitting down on the couch near him.
"Why?" Ben asked.
"What do you mean, 'Why?' It just does!" Zac said. Ben sighed.
"Listen, Zac, I think it would just be the best for the both of us to be completely honest. You can ask me anything and I'll tell you the complete truth, if you do the same for me." Zac sighed. He was confused and wasn't entirely sure if he wanted to go through something like that. He always thought he was an honest person, but that was just how things came out. "It's the only way we'll feel better around each other."
"Fine," Zac said. "Fine."
"So why do you feel uncomfortable around me?" Ben asked. Zac shook his head.
"Honestly, Ben, I have no idea." He nodded. "Do you think I'm hot?" Ben smiled.
"Yes, Zac, I do."
"Do you�um�like me?" Ben shrugged.
"I don't know," he said. "You are very hot, there's no denying that, but I don't think it really goes past that. I don't know you well enough to have a crush on you or anything." Zac shook his head. "Are you happy with Bronwyn?"
"Yeah, of course," Zac said. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"Okay," Ben said, nodding. "Do you love her?" Zac let out a deep breath.
"Oh, geez, I have no idea."
"But you've been dating her for nine months now."
"But I never see her! I'm never in town. We talk on the phone when we can but I don't think I love her or anything like that, you know?"
"Why do you think that is?"
"Listen, Ben, what are you getting at?" Zac asked.
"I think the reason you're uncomfortable, and the reason you're homophobic�" Zac opened his mouth to protest but Ben put his hand up. "�The reason you're like that isn't because you're prejudice or anything of the sort. You're afraid." Zac made a face.
"Afraid of what?"
"The truth."
"What truth?"
"You're gay," Ben said. "And you're afraid of that." Zac's mouth dropped.
"I am not gay! I have a girlfriend!"
"So? That doesn't mean anything! I've had a girlfriend before but that doesn't mean she was what I was looking for! I was just trying to deny it! When I first realized that I had feelings for a guy, a physical attraction to a guy, and I liked it, I was so scared that I ran over to my girlfriend's house and slept with her for the first time, just to prove to myself that it wasn't true, but it was true, and I was uneasy, like you are right now, until I finally admitted the truth."
"I am not listening to this!" Zac said, getting up. "I am not going to sit here and let you accuse me of something like that."
"Come on, Zac, think about it. Why can't you say you love Bronwyn? Why haven't you been able to be serious with her? Why do you think you feel so weird around me? Because I'm gay and you're afraid you are too. Now I could be wrong�"
"You're damn right you're wrong!"
"But it doesn't hurt to think about it. Just think about it. Didn't you feel comfortable around me when you first met me? Didn't you feel something, something you've never felt before that you couldn't quite place but you knew you liked?" Zac paused. He had. He had felt it. The first time he met Ben he felt� "Like you're completely at home," Ben continued. Zac looked at him. He felt completely at home the first time they met.
"You don't know what the hell you're talking about," Zac said. "And I am not going to hang out with someone who doesn't understand anything. I have a girlfriend! I am very, very happy with my girlfriend. Don't you dare fuck things up!" Zac felt tears in his eyes and he took in a shaky breath. He was nearly screaming at Ben, who sat there and took it like he deserved every word that was coming out of Zac's mouth. "Don't you dare fuck up my life like that," he added, this time in a whisper. Zac turned around and left.
"Just think about it�!"
Zac slammed the door behind him and took in a deep breath before moving quickly to the stairs. He ran down four flights to his car, which he started up immediately and drove out of the parking lot. He slammed his hand against the steering wheel, pissed off, then took a breath to compose himself and dried his eyes. He took another breath and turned on the radio.
"Ben, the two of us need look no more�" a young Michael Jackson crooned.
"Fuck you!" Zac yelled and turned the radio off. His hands began to shake and he put them both on the wheel to stop it. He drove in complete silence for about ten minutes until he found himself parked in front of Bronwyn's house. He jumped out of the car, barely giving himself time to lock it before he was in the house and running up the stairs to Bronwyn's room. He knocked on her closed door, his hands shaking by his sides.
She opened the door and looked very surprised to see him. "Zac?" she asked. "What are you�?" She didn't let him finish his sentence before he kissed her deeply and pushed her into the room. He kicked the door shut behind him and kept walking her backwards to her bed. "Zac, what's going on?" she managed to get out before he'd pushed her onto her back on her bed.
"I love you," he told her. "I love you so much." He kissed her again and began to take off her clothes. She didn't object and within a minute they were making passionate love on her bed, Zac trying his best to forget what Ben had boldly told him fifteen minutes beforehand.
Zac returned home that evening, very nervous and most of all very uncomfortable. He scratched his arm, dodging the eyes of his family, as he ran upstairs and into his room. He nearly slammed the door behind him and slid down it onto the floor where tears filled his eyes again and he shook his head. A shiver ran from the top of his head, down his spine, through his legs and down to his toes, and as it disappeared the first tear fell from his eye. He wiped it quickly away.
He felt terrible. He just told Bronwyn he loved her when he knew he didn't. Actually, he didn't know much of anything anymore. He was completely confused about everything he was feeling, and Ben's words were constantly rolling through his mind. You're gay, he'd said. And you're afraid of that.
"He has no right," Zac whispered to himself. "He has no fucking right to tell me that."
"Who?" Zac looked up and he saw Taylor sitting on his bed.
"What the fuck are you doing in my room?" Zac asked.
"I was waiting for you," Taylor said. "I stopped by and I wanted to see you, but Mom said you went out, so I just figured I'd wait for you here. What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," Zac said, getting up. "I'm here. Say what you have to say and then leave. I'm exhausted, I've had a long day, and I'd like to go to sleep."
"Fine," Taylor said, getting up. "I just wanted to remind you that we're doing a show tomorrow night."
"As if I didn't know," Zac said, rolling his eyes.
"That wasn't it. I was talking to Mom and she invited all of your friends." Zac paused.
"All of my friends?"
"Yeah. I don't know how many of them are going to show up because, face it, they're not shy about telling us how much our music sucks." Zac nodded. Jayden absolutely abhorred every song Zac ever created, but that was just Jayden. Zac didn't have a problem with it.
"Um�when you mean all of my friends, who do you mean?" Zac asked.
"The usual, you know," Taylor said, shrugging. "Jayden, Carter, Nix, Bronwyn�oh and I think Mom invited that new kid Ben too."
"Dammit!" Zac yelled.
"What?"
"I don't like Ben!" Zac said. "I don't want him there and I know he'll come because he told me he was a fan! I don't want to see him again for as long as I live and Mom fucking invited him to the show?"
"Zac, calm down, geez�who knows if we'll even get to see them?"
"Oh, we'll get to see them," Zac said. "Mom will make sure of that. Let's get some backstage passes for all of Zac's little friends. Hey, they can even sit alongside the stage for the entire performance. Great!" Zac groaned. "I hate that kid!"
"Okay, okay," Taylor said, putting his hands up. "Don't kill the messenger."
"Why the fuck did you have to tell me anyway? What's wrong with Mom coming up here to say it?"
"I just wanted to see the room, Zac," Taylor said. "I haven't seen what you've done with it since I moved out." Zac shook his head.
"I am so mad."
"Fine, be mad," Taylor said. He walked by Zac and to the door. "Oh, and by the way, that was an awesome ad you did for Calvin Klein."
"You think so?" Zac asked, calming down a bit at praise from his older brother. Taylor nodded but Zac could see the jealousy in his eyes. It wasn't as prominent as it was when Zac told him he was taking the job to being with, but it was definitely still there.
"Yeah, that Ben guy's a great photographer." Zac openly cringed at the sound of his now arch nemesis's name. "Sorry. Anyway, I thought it looked great. Mom's been getting phone calls and apparently it's in at least six different magazines."
"Hey, imagine that," Zac said. "You know�I really didn't want to do it. Making ads and posing for pictures was always more of your style."
"Yeah, but I think they're trying to get out of the waif image. You looked good." Zac cracked a small smile.
"Thanks, Taylor."
"Hey, no problem. I'll see you tomorrow." Zac nodded and Taylor left. Zac sighed and sat down on his bed. He felt very weak all of a sudden and fell back on his bed. The conversation with Taylor helped a little bit, but as soon as the door was closed again Zac was uncomfortable, nervous, and disappointed. There was something new racing through him and he didn't know what it was or what to do about it. Sleeping with Bronwyn didn't make him feel any better. At the time he thought it would help, but it didn't. It only made things worse. Yeah, they'd slept together before but that was because they really liked each other, and this time Zac was just trying to prove to himself that he wasn't gay. And he wasn't. Ben didn't know what the hell he was talking about.
Slowing Zac took off his shoes and threw them across the room into his open closet. Just looking at the closet made him uneasy so he quickly averted his stare and took off his jeans, which he threw on the floor with his shirt, then got underneath his covers and looked up at the ceiling. Taylor had moved out a few months beforehand and Zac still wasn't used to it. It was mostly because they hadn't been home a lot since then, and when all of them were on the road he and Taylor usually shared a room again. Isaac had been out of the house for years now and that was okay to deal with, but Taylor being gone wasn't. Isaac was so much older than him, and although he had a close bond with everyone in his family he and Isaac were drifting apart. Isaac didn't come over as much as Taylor and Zac felt that if they weren't working together, he would never see his oldest brother again.
He rolled onto his side, facing the wall. He was having such a hard time with this and he didn't understand it. He knew he wasn't gay. He just wasn't. He had an awesome girlfriend, who he'd been chasing after for years and finally got to date. He was happy the way he was. It made him sigh. If he was so happy, why did he feel so miserable?
Ben had no right to tell him he was gay. What the hell did that kid know anyway? Zac had asked and Ben said he didn't have any special 'gay-dar' or anything like that to detect who was gay and who wasn't gay. Ben didn't know anything. He didn't know what Zac was. But when he'd described the feeling Zac had felt upon meeting him for the first time in the same words Zac had put it, Zac began to worry. He did feel incredibly at home with Ben, even now when things were awkward between them. He felt everything Ben described, right down to not wanting to admit to himself that he was afraid, because he was. He was deathly afraid that Ben might be right.