Maria listened. Silence. Then came the sound of her mother crying. Maria grew frighten and she ran toward the sound of her mother's voice. Soon she was beside her. Her mother was sitting by a water fountain covering her face. As if she sensed a presence near her, she looked up. Their eyes met and Maria began to cry. Maria laying on her bed felt the wetness of the tears, but the eyes remained unopened.
She didn't know how, but she had comprehended all that had occurred that day. She knew before her mother even explained it to her. Joseph, her father, didn't want to deal with her. He had "disowned his responsibilities" as her mother had described it. A sharp move. A violent turn.
Though she was young she understood that all the times that her father had told her that he loved her were all a bunch of lies. She couldn't trust anything he had told her. And though she was young she felt the bitterness of hatred. She had wanted to feel grown up and just in that brief instant she was no longer a child. She no longer had the reactions of a child. Maria did not like this feeling. Sweating. Panting. She wanted to stay a child a little longer, but there was no turning back. She could never go back to the way she used to be.
Suddenly there appeared in front of her two figures. Who were they? She saw a book. Thump, thump, it went as it hit the ground. The Book. She remembered the creation story in the Bible. Her mother had read it to her many, many times. She had lost that which the first man and woman had lost. There is a baby! An infant is crying! Where did she come from? Thump! Thump! The Book fell again. She began to comprehend and it frightened her beyond belief.
"No,stop remembering!" Maria cried in her sleep. Shaking, tossing and turning. No! No! Her arms moved violently from left to right, but no awakening took place.
There was the scattering of glass. Maria was in her bedroom. She had made the decision. She was going to attempt to put an end to it all. She was going to take her life. Slit her wrists, goodbye. She remembered she had seen the main character of a movie do it in the film. The character had escaped and so would she. Bye-bye chains. There had been too much going on with Joseph and all the lies and empty promises he had constantly given to her. There were simply too many feelings she couldn't understand and didn't want to let go of. Toss and turn. Toss and turn.
In her uneasy sleep Maria remembered too vividly how she had marked up her wrists with a marker. She moved violently in the bed. No, she could not remember! But as she tossed and turned she did. She saw the knife. It had been a small white pocketknife, but it was big enough to do the job. She had been ready,yet at the same time she was not. Something was unnatural about what she was about to do. It felt lonely, strange and frightening. Then suddenly darkness came.
"Make it stop! Make it stop!" Maria cried. Tossing and turning. Tossing and turning.
Sweat began to develop on Maria's forehead. More tossing and turning. What had happened?! What had happened?! Toss and turn. Toss and turn. She saw herself in a hospital bed sound asleep. She had gone through with it. She was suppose to be dead,but the grace of providence had shown itself to be merciful and so her mother came to find her unconscious in her bedroom laying in a pool of blood. She did not remember cutting herself. There was bright light. Maria relaxed in her bed.
As her dream intensified she saw herself waking up. She saw her mother,her aunt,her friends, her teachers, her neighbors . All of them were there waiting for her. She looked around for Joseph. Where was he? Where was he? He was no where to be seen. It was true then. Maria saw herself crying. She felt the wetness. She smelled the blood. More tossing and turning. And then came peace!
She had begun to pray. She had never truly done that before. It was on that night through her tears that she saw him and she began to believe. The thought of her biological father almost killed her and the image of her spiritual father saved her. She was leaving her body now. She could fill herself been lifted up. Higher and higher...
She saw herself spinning around and around in sheer darkness. Where was she now? She was thirteen. She was at her desk writing. She was writing to him. "Dear Father..." the letter began. This was the last time she had heard from Joseph. She had declared that she had forgiven him for abandoning her. Well... actually Maria was attempting to forgive her father. She had wanted to get closer to The Father and she knew the only way was to make peace with this father. She saw a window breaking. He had met her plea with the same thing he had been giving her for years. Rejection.
There was laughter now. She made more and more attempts to have a relationship with her father during that year, but her pleas fell on deaf ears. Please dad. Please dad. No. She simply had given up on him and had put him out of her mind. And now there he stood in front of her. Waiting. There was more shaking, there was more trembling, there was more fear.
Buzz,buzz,buzz. Maria jumped up startled from her bed. She had been snapped instantly back into reality. She felt her forehead. It was completely soaked. Buzz,buzz,buzz. What was that sound? What was it?! Then she realized it was the doorbell. She looked down at her clothes. Her clothes were completely wrinkled. Maria sighed and looked at the clock. It was a quarter past nine o' clock. Joseph was there. He had come. She stood up, stretched, and began to look around her room. She saw her big television set,her stereo, her computer. She saw her closet full of beautiful clothing.
As her eyes wandered around her room she saw the pictures on the wall and on the desk of her mother and family members. The thought of her family made her smile. They all would be there at her graduation today. They would be there to share in her accomplishments and dreams.
" They have always been there for me. They always will be." Maria said. " Yes, I have done pretty well without him! " She exclaimed.
The door bell rang again. Buzz,buzz,buzz. Maria attempted to straighten out her suit with her hands and her eyes fell on the scars on her wrists. The markings were her tokens of her father's love for her. She took one last glimpse at the pictures. Her eyes fell on the picture of her mother and her at last year's carnival in town. That had been a great day,Maria thought. She remembered it well. Mother,she thought. She sighed and rubbed the sliver crucifix that was on her necklace. It was time. Maria went down the stairs to the front door and let her father in.