| Home Anatomy of a Scam Attack John Green from Barmera Calder Calls the Police Hot Gossip Latest 5 4 3 2 1 Oldest Recipes Send your recipes to [email protected] 15 October 2007 Video making The Ballad of Galloper the Innocent Ingredients: One horse One "next Pope" One bottle of horse steroids One flock of homeless people ? either 37 or 150 One outback expanse with many ravines with deep cliffs Method: Serve steroids in a glass of water to "next Pope". Direct him to gallop around the homeless people to stop them from stampeding into one of the ravines. Result: The homeless failed to stampede; the horse wasn't needed. ******************************************************** 3 October 2007 Slow Baked Criminals Ingredients: Twenty teenage juvenile delinquents One car repair program for juvenile delinquents (Classic Cars) One "Next Pope" Three prisons One Social Inclusion Unit One "Gang of 49" Report Method: Pay "the Next Pope" and his Gang of Twenty at the Social Inclusion Unit to produce a report on the "Gang of 49". Ensure the report recommends treating children as adults in the Courts. Close down the government-funded car repair outfit. Use the money to pay for the preparation of the "Gang of 49" report and "the next Pope's" salary. Put the juvenile criminals through the adult prison system instead of the car repair program, (which had a 99% success rate ? no return to crime). Make sure the juveniles are strip searched; are forced to use the toilet and shower in front of cameras; live in a homosexually charged environment; dressed in skimpy tight-fitting clothing. Result: When the juvenile criminals get through the adult court and prison system they will be "real criminals" with a 75% recidivist rate. Celebrate with Listerine and laughs all round at the Social Inclusion Unit. ****************************************************************** 17 September 2007 Exploding "Short Fuse" Trick: a.k.a. Run Greg Run) Ingredients: One Manager of Street to Home: i.e. Gregory Calder One old man One cheap Kodak camera One police station Three police officers Method: Place Manager, old man and camera in foyer of Street to Home at 15 Bentham Street, Adelaide. Have old man take photo of Calder. Result: Watch Calder explode into violence. Watch him cover up his assault by running to Wakefield Police Station to make a complaint against the victim. Watch the officers laugh after he leaves. Nothing else happens. 3 September 2007 Disappearing Money Trick (great for children's birthday parties) Ingredients: One Barmera Scam Artist i.e. John Andrew Green One pokies machine One black cloth $3000 Method: Put Scam Artist and pokies machine and money in large bowl. Cover with black cloth. Wait twenty minutes. Result: The money is gone and a snarling John Green is slinking off to the Hutt Street Centre. 20 August 2007 Recipe Cook your own Next Pope Ingredients: one fish monger one set of purple girls' clothing 12 prancin' and dancin' lessons Method: Mix together and leave for twenty years Result: One "Next Pope" **************************************** 17 August 2007 Recipe Sweet Smelling Social Inclusion Unit Ingredients: One Listerine Kid 1 litre Mint Listerine Method: Mix "The Kid" and the contents of the bottle together in a large bowl. Stir vigorously for twenty minutes. Let sit. Result: Oops, one Listerine addict. This recipe needs further work . Next month's recipie is: Cook Your Own Next Pope Home |