Unfortunately, you don't have to be a stepmom very long to hear this thoughtless and insensitive comment, "You knew he had kids when you married him." Or even worse, to hear from your husband, "You knew that I had kids when you married me!"

Obviously, we knew that our husband's had kids, we also knew that those kids have a mother who is not us. This is not a news flash, all it is really is a comment made by people who don't want to sympathize or empathize with our suffering. They would rather give a contrite answer and not listen to our problems. As if telling us that we "knew what we were getting into" is somehow going to solve our problems.

We had no more idea what we were getting into than someone starting a new job. The person starting a new job gets to meet the boss and others in the company, but does not get to know what the office politics are. They don't know that the person down the hall is a gossip and always tries to get others in trouble. They don't know the person at the next desk lies all the time and tries to manipulate things to go his way. Just like we don't know how our stepchildren or their mother will treat us once we become a part of the family.

We meet and fall in love with the man, we love so many things about him. We meet his kids, we try to be nice to them because they are his. But the fact of the matter is that we did not choose the children, we chose him. On the same token the children did not choose us. It is not always going to be that we and the children automatically like each other and get along...any more than a new employee will automatically like and get along with new co-workers.

A person working at a new job would not call their best friend or their mother to complain about it and expect the friend or mother to say, "Well, you knew what you were getting into when you took that job." Yet, that is the exact response that stepmoms get all of the time.

How do we handle that comment and how do we feel about it? Read on and see what some real stepmoms have to say:

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What is the assumption behind the statement? That we should have expected all these problems? That we could have been prepared? I try to argue that there was no way in heck I could have been prepared for this, never having had kids, not expecting my stepchild to live with us since he was in a foreign country. Add on top of that that I didn't expect my stepchild to be such a difficult child. And I didn't expect my husband to be so unsupportive. But let's be totally honest here. I knew he had a kid when we got involved. Did I give it much thought? No. I was head over heels in love and I only thought about how my heart ached at the thought of not being with him. End of story. Was this smart? No. Does criticizing this now help? No.

This leads to some examples I thought of today. When someone complains about how bad their husband is, why don't we say: Didn't you know your husband when you married him? It wasn't an arranged marriage, was it? When someone complains about how difficult their teenager is, why don't we say: Hmmmm. You knew he would grow up into a teenager when you decided to have him didn't you? You weren't ignorant of biology, were you? You understood that sex can lead to teenagers didn't you? When someone complains about their boss why don't we say: You had an interview before you took the job, didn't you? You met him, right, you investigated the company? I could go on and on here but I think you get it. We don't say these things to people when they tell us their problems with their boss or kids or husbands BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HELP --- BECAUSE IT JUST DISCOUNTS THEM AND MAKES THEM FEEL STUPID. IT BASICALLY SAYS "YOU MADE YOUR BED NOW YOU SLEEP IN IT." IF THIS KIND OF ADVICE SEEMS HELPFUL TO ANYONE PLEASE RAISE YOUR HAND.

I think that it is good that we remember that we are stepmothers and that means something. What it means I guess is up to the individual, how much of a role she chooses to play in her family. I think it is important for us to think about this. I don't think that we would like this idea to be dictated to us any more than we would like to be told that the responsibilities of a wife are to wash the husbands feet and make him breakfast in bed. I also think that we can help to educate women who are starting on this path to be more aware of all the complications that can arise so that they will know a little more about what it can mean to love a man with kids.

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Ok. I knew he had kids before we got married. I knew he had an X-Wife who was a battlefield. I took the risk and married into the mess anyhow...

But I didn't know what it meant to be a step-mother. I didn't know my feelings weren't going to be justified by anyone but those in my position. I didn't know that I was going to be the main caregiver of the children. I didn't know that I was going to be talked down to by my husband and In-laws when I felt overwhelmed or screwed up something. I didn't know that My voice wouldn't matter and that I would never be equal when it came to parenting (it's either all me or barely me and never my choice).

I didn't know that what the average mother dealt with was going to look like cake compared to my step parenting rules. I didn't know that I was going to be the biological mother's focus of attack - her release of anger... I didn't know the kids were going to be TORN between myself and her. I didn't know I was going to cause pain for them, while trying my best to heal them. I didn't know it was going to be such a hassle trying to get pregnant - or even that I was going to change my mind and want to have a child come out of me (yeah I didn't want a baby when we married).

As much as I am loved in my little world - I am still having to re-hammer on my stupid branch to the family tree (I am sure most of the time it's me tearing it down). I have no security in knowing that this family will be mine for all my life. I have fears of my husband dying - and me loosing everything I love in one bang.

Ohh sure - it's important for me to take care of myself - but there just isn't the time. I didn't know that sleeping in was never going to happen again. I didn't know that reading a good book would have to be outside hidden in my tree fort (Yes mine) I didn't know that even though the kids are Little - they still would be sneaking my clothes from the closet - that anything that I possesed or thought valuable - was no longer mine. That I was going to be emptied of energy EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Yeah I still knew when I married there were children, I knew they were full time too - But I was Naive in knowing what that meant to my sanity, my energy, my needs. And when people tell me I knew. I shut my fricken mouth, smile, nod.... I did know. But no one told me what it meant.

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How does it make me feel? Discounted. Like my struggles with stepparenting are not worth discussing. That I am not important. That my family isn't important. That I made a mistake and they don't want to hear about it.

We already have enough hurdles as stepmothers. We don't need it thrown in our face that someone thinks we brought our troubles on ourselves. NO ONE is psychic. You wouldn't tell a parent of a child with problems "well, you should have known..." It is similarly unfair to expect a stepparent to foretell the future.

It also puts the blame squarely on us - it absolves the husband, his ex, their kids and everyone else of their share of the problem. We cannot change the world alone. I do own that I accepted that I wouldn't choose a new house. I do own that I knew it was not going to be easy and that I was aware of other stepmother's struggles and married him anyway. But that doesn't mean I don't need a listening ear, or that my problems are invalid simply because they came with a stepfamily.

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It's a little like saying to a woman who has been date-raped, 'you knew he had a penis when you went out with him'. Well of course you did, but you didn't imagine that your boundaries would be violated, it would be used as a weapon against you, you'd end up in court and spend hours with a therapist over it.

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How does it make me feel when someone says to me, "Well, you knew he had kids..."

It makes me feel like I want to kill them for saying that.
It makes feel scared for the future.
It makes me feel like I don't know what decision is right for me.
It makes me feel like I should bail out RIGHT NOW and go find a "better man" (i.e. someone young and single who has never been married and doesn't have this massive "baggage").
It makes me feel like I could've done better.
It makes me feel like a martyr.
It makes me feel scared and lost.
It makes me feel like a little girl.

That's how it makes me feel...

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It makes me feel like the person that I am talking to doesn't care about me at all. Like they don't want to deal with any of my issues, they don't want to listen, they don't want to take the time to understand. They would rather make me feel stupid and discounted than be a friend.

Another thing, I think that the woman married to a man who uses this against her should say this when her husband complains about the ex: "Well you knew what you were getting into when you empregnanted her!" That's about as helpful as saying, "You knew I had kids when you married me" and will probably leave him feeling just as stupid, discounted, and unimportant as it makes us feel.

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If this you can relate to this article, you will probably want to read:
Alternate Reality
Did You Know?

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