#1 Never call a woman fat, unless you're trying to lower her self esteem and make her vulnerable enough for you to take advantage of her.
#2 Never bother women when they are experiencing the river of blood and shmeg.
#3 Self-pleasuring is best in non-public places.
#4 If feeling light-headed, stand up quickly and begin to run until the feeling passes.
#5 There's only one way to find out if there's a heaven, and the sooner you know, the sooner you'll be at ease.
#6 Side effects may include shortness of breath, inability to bear children and delerium tremors.
#7 When uncomfortable in a social situation, try to lighten the mood by telling a joke - preferably a raunchy one.
#8 To relieve symptoms of chronic homework syndrome: induce vomiting, flush eyes with water and contact a mortician immediately.
#9 Harmonicas can be deadly if used improperly.
#10 Taking pictures may seem fun, but trust me, it's not as fun as manipulating the contents to make people look retarded.
#11 If Himey fails, try a Jimbo.
#12 If at first you don't succeed, give up and whine for help.
#14 Go with what works. I mean you should go to work and not be lazy.
#15 A Penny saved is a Penny earned. Then you can have her do whatever you want because, hey, you saved her life.
#16 When you fail, step back and search out the cause of said failure. Then after you've diverted blame from yourself to another person, shun and embarass them publicly, as to draw attention away from your involvement in the failure.
#17 When in doubt, proceed blindly.
#18 Cross-breeding a Kangaroo and a rat could be disastrous.
#19 CAUTION, do not look directly at stars.
#20 The best laid schemes o Mice an' Men, Gang aft agley, An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain for promis'd joy!
#21 O what tangled webs we weave. The trick is to only let the people you want to become caught in them.
#22 Get up, get up! Put your body in motion!
#23 Out in space.
#24 It is not polite to call a girl such things as "coochie" or "cunt." That is unless, of course, she is being a bitch.
#25 Ok. You can run. You can hide. But let's face it. You and I both know you can't escape my fart.
#26 Don't say you hate your life. That would presuppose that you have one.
#27 People who are pro-war should be shot and killed. Not the "behind closed doors" kind of execution; the "vigilante hang and burn the body publicly" kind of execution.
#28 There are always possibilities. To discover these possibilities, however, you best rely on the charity of others -- the odds of you figuring them out are pretty low.
#29 Don't feel stupid. I mean, you already look stupid -- why go all out? |
