Marna Herald
Sunday, December 17Main Page
Copeland Resigns As Mayor
"I have done all that I can. It is sad, I have wanted this job since I was a small boy. Things have gotten out of hand, however. Nothing I have tried has worked. The citizens are just unresponsive. I'm not capable of fixing the true problem in the city."
What the true problem is, the mayor refused to say. Nevertheless the increased reports of gang activity in the city has frightened several of the cities most honorable citizens out. Both Republican and Democratic parties are scheduled to announce their new candidates for office on the 29th of January.
Martin Zunikchikquyu, Marna Herald
Church of the Epiphany Finds Replacement for Murdered Priests
Just four weeks after the murders of two Marna priests, the Church of the Epiphany have found replacements for the two priests. Father Domingo Guerra is coming in to take over the church. He is coming from Silver City, New Mexico and has several years experience and is said to be excited about the new move. Why he'd want to move here is beyond me, but if he can make a difference; good for him. He is also going to be accompanied by another priest named as Julio Gomez who is coming in from Mexico City.
They will be replacing Father John Ramsey and Father Liam Duncan who were both murdered outside of the church on the 19th of November. The local community mourned their loss but the inclusion of two more promising fathers should shed some needed positive energy on the city. Good luck, guys.
Marcus Jackson, Marna Herald
Local
Movie Star Moves to Marna
Famous movie star, Linday Lohan, has made an official statement claiming she is moving to the city of Marna. "I need to get out of Hollywood. Things are great there but my psychologist says I need a change," she said recently when asked about it. Lindsay Lohan has been in such famous movies such as "Mean Girls," "Freaky Friday," and recently "Herbie Fully Loaded." She has a few upcoming pictures to be released in 2008. Lets give an 'ol Marna welcome to Miss Lohan and hope she actually stays!
-Boris Stevens, Marna Herald
Mother and Daughter Found Hung Outside Store
Janis McKinsey, 37, was found recently with daughter, Kelly, 11, hanging by a noose outside of their family book store known as Llfyr Bookstore. Several large men were seen dragging the two women out at nearly 4 A.M. Both were hung in front of the store which is owned by Janis McKinsey and her husband Joshua McKinsey. Mr. McKinsey has refused to make comment on the terrible tragedy that has happened to his family.
It is unknown at this time if the McKinsey's were involved in any criminal activity at this time. Police are investigating the crimes.
-Sarah Newheardt, Marna Herald
Gopher Attacks Scare Locals
A local woman was nearly mauled to death after attempting to kiss a local gopher in her backyard last week. Nancy Houston saw "a cuddly little furball" going through her backyard. "It stuck its head out of the ground ... it looked so cute, I didn't know they were vicious!" she cried. She went down to give it some food which it ate promptly. "It made some cute noises after I fed it, so I went to give it a kiss to let it know it was welcome in my yard," she said. "And then it smiled and then bit me!" The gopher proceeded to maul at Houston's face and neck. Houston had to receive several stiches in her face, arm, neck and side after being attacked by the small vermin. Two more reports of similar attacks were registered by locals with similar stories. Makes you understand why Copeland is leaving when he can't even keep the citizens safe from gophers.
-Eric Donughu, Marna Herald
Sports & Entertainment
Marna Pikes sign former All-Star Canseco
After a disappointing year with little to no run production, the Marna Pikes have signed former All-Star and AL MVP to a 2-year Major League contract. Canseco last saw Major League action back in 2001 with the Chicago White Sox. "After no run support and setting all-time records for least amount of runs, the least we can do is give Canseco a few bucks to come knock some balls out of the park. The attendance has been quite low as well and it is expected that Canseco's appearance may draw some attention; especially if he plays well. Canseco is just 38 Home Runs shy of the 500 home run mark and excited to go after the number. He has given his word that he will do all that he can to encourage the Hall of Fame to let him enter under a Nails hat if he makes it and also promises he will not use steroids. "Our team just isn't worth a $(#&!" shouted current manager Butch Mattingly, "We are lucky to even compete with Triple A ball clubs! Signing Canseco is the first sign we are confident we are going to compete again! Finishing 39 games behind the Kansas City Royals last season won't happen again, mark my words! Canseco is going to be the beginning of a new era!" the couch exclaimed. I highly doubt that.
-Michael Christian, Marna Herald
Coach Arrested after Univ. of Marna Loses
The University of Marna's men's basketball team lost an upsetting game to Western Athletic Conference rival Idaho last weekend. "What kind of God @(@$ ^&@# is this!?!?!" shouted coach Quincy Baton. "Idaho has got to be the worst God #(@$ team I've ever seen in my entire God $(^% life!!!! My grandmother could have made that team and she's F*#@ing dead!!! How did they beat us!?!?!?" shouted the coach as his face turned a maniacally red color. He then proceeded to kick in the window to his office after ripping off his tie and striking one of the journalist. Sources say that journalist Betsy Ross will be pressing charges against Baton; Baton's officials had no comment at press time. The University of Marna fell from the top 25 for the first time this year. The school is really embarassed by Baton's behavior. Fines are expected.
-Keegan Jones, Marna Herald
Local Cry for Entertainment Answered
In attempt to increase activity in Marna, several major groups have been invited to perform in the city of Marna. Several major acts have been signed to perform. R.E.M. and Beyonce are two of the first performers to sign to perform in the city of Marna. Hopefully this will bring in some successful tourism and help our city get back to where it was ... fifty years ago.
-Bill String, Marna Herald
Education
Spring sign ups at University of Marna Start Monday
University of Sunnydale are starting their Spring Class signups on Monday, December 15th at 8 AM. There is expected to be a great line as an abundance of new classes and professors have made their way to the university. With the increased education bill, teachers will receive an increase in payment and the commitment from their part is expected to rise. It is going to be an exciting semester at University of Sunnydale.
~Bill Train, New Gwailand Herald
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