Taking Chances
chapter 1
by Ritz
Kurama--"It's You that I Want"
Ritz's note: All characters mentioned in this fic is the property of Togashi-sama and the nice people who produced YYH...I don't suggest sueing me because it'll be a waste of your time and money...*looks at her bankbook and sweatrains* Trust me, it's definitely NOT worth it. BTW, this fic is yaoi. So if you have a problem with male/male relationships, stop reading now and go to my other fics! ^^
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I lifted my face up to the stars, watching them twinkle and shimmer in the darkened night. Stars were used for navigation before compasses were invented, I recalled, remembering a lesson from my geography class. Tonight, I needed their light to guide me to my destination, my conquest, my hope. Hiei.
As usual, he was standing apart from the group. I walked up to him and laid a hand on his shoulder, making sure to keep it light enough so he wasn't alarmed but firm enough so he couldn't bolt. "Enjoying yourself, Hiei?" I asked lightly.
"Hn." He replied, eyeing Yuuske and Keiko.
I also turned my attention to the couple, noting the warm glow on each of their faces as they chatted happily to Shizuru and Botan. We had gathered together for an official engagement party for the two of them. I couldn't help letting out a small sigh at their content, wishing it was myself who was smiling widely, exchanging loving glances with the one I loved. The one I loved...Hiei.
I glanced at Hiei to see what he thought of it. He was watching them with that familiar impassive expression on his face. I wasn't sure if this was just my over-active mind...but...was that an expression of longing in those deep crimson eyes of his? I leaned down a little closer, getting a better look of his eyes. The corners of my mouth lifted up in a dreamy smile as I studied the beautiful crimson of his eyes, so much like my roses.
Much to my dismay, Hiei looked up at me, noticing my scrutiny. "What the hell are you staring at, fox?"
I felt my face grow hot and in an attempt to hide my avid embarrassment, I teased quickly, "Why Hiei, I do believe that you were looking all dreamy and misty eyed at the sight of them." I winked roguishly at him.
Hiei snorted and shrugged his shoulder, trying to get my hand off of it. I let my hand fall from the narrow shoulder, feeling a little hurt but understanding his dislike of physical contact. I half expected him to flit away but he didn't. Instead, he stood there silently, one eyebrow arched in question. Finally he said, "You like it?"
I started a little, not understanding what he meant at first. Then I nodded and answered smoothly, "Of course I do, Hiei. Wouldn't you be happy if someone loves you as much as you love them? Like Yuuske and Keiko?" Like I hope it will be with us, I thought, the words on the tip of my tongue.
"Hn." Hiei said, "If you like being trapped."
I felt my stomach clench at his words. If Hiei thought that marriage and love is a trap, a bondage...then what will he think of my feelings for him? I looked at him silently, trying to figure how to explain the beauty of love, and finally said, "It isn't a trap, Hiei. When you love someone...it's the most wonderful feeling in the world. You two give yourselves to each other. But it's not slavery. It's a bonding...between two people...between two souls. The world becomes beautiful. Everything seems...alive. You're willing to forgive more...to forget more. You're..." I paused, searching for the right words. "Complete."
Hiei arched an eyebrow, "You sound like you've experienced it." He said.
"I have." I replied, my heart beginning to pound. I could sense that something big was going to happen.
Hiei snorted, "One of your many lovers?"
I shook my head, "No, those were just people who offered comfort and pleasure to each other but not love. This person is the only one I've ever loved."
"Do I know this person?" He asked, sounding mildly curious.
"More than anyone else." I told him, the pounding of my heart becoming louder and more frenzied.
That catches his attention. "More than anyone else?" He repeated thoughtfully, then shock crossed his features. "Yu-Yukina?" He choked out.
My heart begun to race at such a furious rate that I almost felt like I was going to pass out. I swallowed, losing my voice for a second. Am I really going to go through with this? Should I really tell him? There's a good chance he'll just flit out of my life forever. And what would this do to our friendship? The friendship that I've worked so hard at...
"Well?" Hiei's voice snapped me from my thoughts.
My body seemed to have a mind of its own as I stepped up to him and grasped him by the shoulders. He looked shocked but remained as he was, waiting for my reply, his eyes intense, and his mouth turned down in that small frown, the one that I have grown to love. It's now or never, fox, I told myself, you're already up to this point. There's no turning back now. He's not going to let you drop the subject anyways...even if you do try to deny it.
"No," I tried to say calmly but for some reason, it came out as a whisper. "Why would I want Yukina?" I continued, "When-" I swallowed, "When it's her brother that I want?"
Hiei sucked in his breath at my words. He looked up at me, disbelief etched across his features. "Me?"
I nodded, "It's always been...you." I told him softly. "Hiei...I love you."
Hiei's eyes widened. I swallowed again, not sure if this look he was giving me was a good thing or a bad thing. Suddenly, he wrenched free of my grasp and bolted.
I gasped as he disappeared from my sight, moving too fast for me to do anything. "Hiei!" I called out, "Matte!!!" But he's gone. Disappeared into the night where he blends into the darkness, becoming something I can't hope to sense, to find, to touch... "Hiei..." I whispered, feeling tears stinging my eyelids, "Matte...Hiei..." There's nothing, just the faint traces of his ki where he once stood. "Hiei..." My shoulders slumped and I fell to the ground, tears running of their own accord down my cheeks.
Ritz ^.~ June 9/98
