by Melody Bowen
Good on Paper
Doug has been in my life for many years now -- since I was 19, in fact -- and once upon a time he married a girl who was my best friend and roommate. In fact, I was matron of honor at their wedding. They're long-since divorced, and his ex-wife and I are no longer friends, but Doug and I have somehow managed to continue our friendship for the last 15 years or so (he likes to tell people he "got me in the divorce" -- ha ha). At any rate, one of the benefits of having a friend who's known you for most of your adult life is an ability to speak frankly about the good, bad, and ugly in your lives.
Take tonight for example. On the way home from our Mac-and-a-movie, Doug and I started talking about "dating" in general. (He and I are both 30-something and divorced, so we're in sort of the same boat I guess.) What was interesting to me was that he brought up a topic that my friend Gloria and I have talked about many times in the past -- being "good on paper".
What do I mean by "good on paper", you ask? OK, some examples.
I know a woman (let's call her Celia) who is simply fabulous. Celia is in her early forties, but looks younger than I do. She's very attractive, has a stunningly beautiful home, a wonderful life, a great family, and the kind of high-powered, high-visibility career that many of us would die for (in fact, she's constantly surrounded by celebrities). She's blond, breathtakingly beautiful, has a great sense of humor, and she's not even a tiny little bit snobbish. And she's single. Not only is she single, she doesn't really date all that often. Why? I have no idea. Truly, no earthly idea. On paper, Celia is perfect, no? So why don't any relationships work out for her? (I keep thinking that if a girl like her stays single, there's truly no hope for the rest of us.)
I also know a great guy (let's call him "Mason"). He's thirty-something, single, and completely available. Mason has a great job, a great sense of humor, and nice physique, and he's just generally fun to be around. He has a beautiful home, a great extended family, and is incredibly respectful of women. He's the kind of guy you'd introduce to your mother and never worry that she was going to call you up later and give you the what-the-hell-are-you-thinking-with-that-one speech. Oh, oh... and let's not forget that Mason would love nothing more than to settle down with the right girl and start having babies. He'd be a great husband, a great father, etc. I suspect that tonight he's sitting alone in from of the television set. Why is this? I have no idea. He's great on paper, so why is he alone?
Countless numbers of my single friends are in this same boat. They have great careers, great homes -- hell, they have great lives, to be honest. Many of them would give anything -- well, almost anything -- to find the right person with whom to share their otherwise pretty-darn-good lives.
Tonight, as Doug and I chatted about the virtues and vices of being a good-on-paper person, it began to sink in just how many people I know that are up "Single Creek" without a proverbial paddle. Often, they're flailing around in the water without a single hand to hold onto, and it just doesn't make sense to me. If the old "there's-someone-for-everyone" adage is right, then why are some of the greatest people I know spending the best years of their lives alone?
As my final example, let's take a look at Doug (sorry, Doug -- I know you just said "Omigod!" when you read that sentence, but get over it and keep reading). Doug is thirty-something, single, tall, dark, handsome, and heterosexual. He's got a fantastic sense of humor, a great smile, and he's a good, moral and genuine person. He's got a beautiful home, a great career, a sense of adventure (usually -- but you missed your opportunity to really freak someone out in a hilarious way tonight, Doug -- and only you know what I'm talking about -- but I digress...). He also has a great family that's wonderful and crazy and chaotic and close and everything that a family should be. The icing on the cake is that he has the two most perfect children in the world who absolutely adore him. Basically, all of this describes the proverbial "holy grail" of single guys over 30, no? Yet, despite all of this, he's single and completely unattached. What's up with that?
I'm convinced there's more to this good-on-paper thing than meets the eye. There just has to be. I know too many men and too many women who face this every single day, and I just can't get my brain around it. What is it that keeps these good-on-paper people single? Hmm... wish I could figure this out. Ideas, anyone?
P.S. Happy birthday, Daddy. The Mac-and-a-movie could have only been better if you had been there. I miss you, and I love you always.