by Melody Bowen
The Demise of the Crap Diet
The solution? Eat only foods that taste like crap (hence the name the "Crap Diet"). If it sucks, I assume it's healthy. If it's hideous and stinky and irretrievably horrid, I assume it's ideal. So, as I chatted with my boyfriend, I loaded my cart full of rice cakes and yogurt and low-fat cottage cheese and no-fat egg substitute. (Um... ick.)
I'm sorry to report that the Crap Diet lasted exactly one day. After an entire 24-hour period with nothing but yogurt shakes, wheat germ, sugar-free Jell-O and water, etc., I succumbed to the irresistable temptation of a crispy flour taco and a gargantuan Sprite.
Tonight, just when I thought all hope was lost, I stumbled across a book at Barnes & Noble that caught my attention. I remembered reading raves about it recently in a women's magazine, and so I picked it up, read a few pages, and found myself intrigued by the concept. I, of course, added it to my stack of purchases and brought it home. It's called -- are you ready for this? -- The Martini Diet, by Jennifer "Gin" Sander. (You have to admit that it sounds much, much better than the Crap Diet already, no?)
As best I can tell at this point, the Martini Diet will not teach me how to drink myself into oblivion while cellulite magically disappears from my thighs. (Damn.) It does, however, explain that the key to being healthy is to eat what one likes, but to do so in moderation. The books says to eat what one likes, but only the best of everything, and choosing small portions is key. In fact, the reason it's aptly named the Martini Diet is because no portions should be larger than what one could fit into a martini glass. Love steak? Great! Choose a small filet mignon (no bigger than the martini glass), and enjoy. Love starches and carbohydrates? Fabulous! Have a lovely sweet potato souffle (but, again, no more than one could fit into a martini glass). Want an actual martini? No problem! Have one. But only one.
The only other requirements for this diet? One must exercise (no, no -- not by living at the gym and not by sweating one's fanny off for hours each day), but by doing something fun every day. (Even exercise must be in moderation.) And stop eating crap. (Woohoo! I've recently discovered that I, in fact, deplore eating crap.) The book advises avoiding junk food, snacking, and fast food, and it advocates indulging oneself -- in moderation -- three meals a day.
Now this is a diet I can live with. I'll keep you posted on the results. Bring on the filet mignon! (I'll take mine medium-well, thank you.)
"I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most,
Three I'm under the table,
Four I'm under the host."