What If...?2

What If...?
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�you lock your keys in your car?
First call a locksmith and if he doesn�t show up in five minutes, chances are he�s not coming at all. So I like to move onto Plan B a.k.a. Plan Big Rock Through the windshield. Now be careful with your aim or you�ll have to pay to get that hood repaired too.

�Robin Hood�s men weren�t so merry?
Well I guess they could take some drugs for that sort of thing. Or they could set up a weekly appointment with a shrink. Or they could just pretend to be really happy, when really they aren�t happy at all, but everyone will think they are happy, but they really aren�t.

�Gumby were my best friend?
No more having to pay for the penny horse rides at Meijer, cause Gumby�s steed is practically mine (friends share everything you know). Oh yeah, he could help me reach the cookie jar too with those really long arms I guess.

�Spanky�s ghost haunted me?
That�s silly. Spanky�s not really dead. It�s a conspiracy that my parents set up. I mean no one has actually seen the dead body. Not even videos of the funeral, so tonight I�m going to dig his �grave� and prove the rumors false.

�my band, the Funky Midgets, broke up?
I know, this is a very sensitive subject, but the truth is most bands split up after (or before) reaching fame and fortune. So it�s probably a good idea to face this fact. Already I�m seeing problems. Cole, the guitarist, refuses to play in public. This is kind of a downer, since concerts are the biggest money maker. He also refuses to record any of our songs. Since cole and me are the only official members of the band, I consider that enough proof of the Funky Midgets becoming forgotten to all who once loved us. O yeah, and those crazy record company lawsuits that say we�re copying all of our songs from other bands. I guess we could always sue Napster or something.

�I copyrighted a letter?
of course no one would let me copyright a frequently used letter, so I�d have to settle with Z. I�d only allow people to use it if they pay me royalties, so I�d begin to make the letter famous again (yeah, it used to be big back in the 40�s). first off, Garfield�s sleeping would cause him to go bankrupt and that freaky Ziggy guy�ll pay too. then I�d change my name to Zozozozozz that way every time someone wanted to send me junk mail I�d get some dough. then I�d create a Japanese cartoon the equivalent to that Pokemon. Kids�ll be payin me big bucks to trade their Zigomon for Zillizionz. Then after I�ve made the letter Z famous and my pocketbook (yeah I�ll make this word famous again too) nice and fat, then I�ll finally get married to the beautiful Zenon, star of Zenon: the Zequel.
�my Polly Pocket collection went up in flames?

Duh�.insurance.

�I owned my own horse?
This would be an excellent investment for me. Although I don�t do very many crafts, im sure I would make a deal with some poor scrap booking shmucks in need of some glue. Of course I�d give �em a discount since horse glue just doesn�t compare to that elmer�s glue (I think they use real pig).

�the Muppet Babies were grew up?
I know you�re thinking, �but eric, the Muppets are grown up versions of the muppet babies.� Fair enough, so I�ll go another twenty years. The year is 2002 (no seriously, it is). Kermit finally caved in to the frog leg business. He does the commercials the idea that he�ll never be the next victim. At least he�s making 7 digits a year. Miss piggy was the center of a Hawaiian feast. in Pig Heaven, she has a new husband, Spanky. George Lucas saw Gonzo on the streets of Chicago pushing around his cool little shopping cart. You�ll see Gonzo in the next star wars flick as Yoda�s younger, bluer cousin. Fozi�s stand up gigs never really took off. You can still find that crazy bear in the Smithsonian Museum with the rest of the stuffed wildlife.

�I owned Willy Wonka�s Chocolate Factory?
First off, I�d get rid of that pansy, Mr. Wonka. The nerve of him. Enslaving poor midgets who�ve been in the sun way too long. Next on the agenda: Eat all of the candy. After I�m full, I�ll use it to lure chicks into becoming my chocolate factory queen. Chicks love candy. I forgot about that Charlie kid and his grandparents. I�ll send them all back to sleeping in one bed. Freaks. Ok, so I might not have been the best person to inherit the chocolate factory legacy. The fat German kid who got stuck in the tube probably would have made a better owner�Nah.

�I lived at an old folks home?

That�d be pretty sweet. Wheelchair races, all you can eat pudding and cream of wheat, hot nurses and senior citizen babes. I�m looking forward to growing older. Oh yeah, and those really cool pill cases for each day of the week.

�I won the opportunity to write the next Harry Potter book?
Let�s just say it�ll be the shortest book in the series when Harry falls into a shark tank.

�cows could fly?
Bird poop would be the least of your worries.

�Harry Potter really did have an identical twin sister somewhere?
Twice the wizardry, twice the movie merchandise, and not enough Potter poachers. The nations would unite until the Harry and Mary problem was brought under control. Hehehe. Although, I do need a prom date. Mary my love! Come to me!

�Mother Willow had a strange fungus growing on her bark?

She might go crazy because of the constant erosion of her precious bark. She�d wait until Pocahontas came for some counseling about her love life before she attacked. John Wayne or Long John Smith or whatever that punk pilgrim�s called, would come to look for his love. Mother Willow would knock him out with her branches and throw his carcass to the Indians. The Indians finally get a chance to behead him with out that pesky Pocahontas bothering them. After the Indians finished off her dirty work, Mother Willow would make them all her slaves and construct an army of Indians capable of destroying any of our ancestors from coming to the New World. And that would mean I might have been born in England! The horror!!!!

�cars had toilets that emptied onto the road?

Think about it. How many times have you been on a road trip and your parents refused to pull over to let you go to the bathroom? If I had things my way you could be sitting on a nice little toilet seat while you�re driving down the road and do your business. Why hasn�t anyone ever thought of this wonderful idea you ask? Well probably because every road in America would look like a parade had gone down it without a cleanup crew behind the horses, donkeys, Shriners and whatnot.

�I were a pirate?

That would definitely be sweet. Sailing the 12 Seas, kicking booty, then stealing booty. I�d be known as E-Dog, the most feared midget pirate in all the land. And all the lady pirates who weren�t missing any body parts like eyes, legs, or hands would adore me. After spending many years terrorizing the poor sailors that tried to cross my oceans, I would settle down in Mexico and eat chimi chongas and other Mexican foods.