What If...?

What if...?
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�Alf�s alien race comes back for him?

I don�t think his alien race is much of a threat. That freak is doing phone commercials now. What a loser. And if anyone remembers Alf�s show, they might recall that he ate cats. Not only is that disgusting, but it�s also reassuring. At least we know they won�t be eating humans or us midgets.

�Colonel Sanders died of chicken poisoning?

Well when I was a kid, I believed that Colonel Sanders� head with his stupid little bow tie was a head and a stupid little stick figure body. For years I believed this and for years I was so wrong. If Colonel Sanders had died of chicken poisoning, I wouldn�t wake up every night after a very scary nightmare starring this colonel. I�m not talking about �Oh no not another nightmare.� I�m talking, �AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE YOU CREEPY OLD COLONEL SANDERS!!!!!!!!!!! NO MORE TRICKS YOU�.oh great, I think I wet myself.� That�s what I�m talking about.

�the entire world switched from guns to swords?

Well I�m pretty sure this would reduce the number of shootings. It�s not really that easy to hide a sword in your coat pocket (At least I don�t think it is). Hunting would be a much more challenging sport. A hunter would be like, �Come here you grizzly bear. I want to stab you with this sword.�   And I�m guessing that the population of ducks and geese would definitely rise, since it�s nearly impossible to stab a duck. Trust me, I�ve tried. And the coolest thing about swords: You could start dueling to the death with people whenever you wanted. That would be fun.

�Free Willy had too many fish before his big jump?

That would have been great. Whale blubber splattered all over that rocky barricade. Then the homeless people could have eaten him. I�m pretty sure the animal rights wouldn�t have liked that too much, but it would have been a smash hit movie. Not to mention that it would have prevented Free Willy 2-5 from being filmed.

�Chris Williams had a different last name?

My life would have been completely different. The school secretary wouldn�t have called Chris Williams down to the front office. I wouldn�t have thought that they called my name. I wouldn�t have gone down to the front office and looked like an idiot when I asked if they called my name and I wouldn�t have made Chris Williams my archenemy.

�Pac Man was square instead of round?

Well I�m pretty sure that the hippies of the 70�s wouldn�t have been shoving quarters into that game cause it�d be too lame. Yes, even for a hippy. Pac Man wouldn�t have developed an addiction to white pellets, but he would be in the ground right now, due to his inability to run from the ghosts. The world would be overrun with those pesky ghosts. They would elect Casper as emperor of the world. I�d be okay with that if they didn�t make all humans their slaves.

�psittacosis wasn�t a real word?

This really wouldn�t affect me in any way. My vocabulary wouldn�t be any smaller, and I wouldn�t be any dumber. But there would be many intellectual scholars who would be dumbfounded when trying to recall the word used to for a disease transmitted by birds.

�hair was rubber?
I think people wouldn�t use conditioner anymore. Also, falling on your head wouldn�t be deadly. In fact, I bet kids would purposely fall out of windows on their heads to bounce as high as the house. No more sissy trampoline jumping. Excellent!

�Luke Skywalker married Princess Leigha?

I thought about this one for some time and every time I went back to the same thing. THAT�S DISGUSTING!!!!! Their kids would probably look like that furry Wookie. If you�re not sure what I�m talking about, just ask any Star Wars freak what I�m talking about.

�midgets were free range?
You know how chickens that are free range are supposed to be healthier and taste better too? well thats what im talking about. so i guess that would be alright in the summer, but in the winter we would have to migrate or something.

�cantaloupe had feelings?

I would think twice before I split one open to eat. I mean come on. Would you want someone splitting your head open with a knife, slicing you up for a breakfast buffet to be eaten as a cheap alternative of a watermelon? Yeah, I didn�t think so.

�my middle name was Edmond?

Oh wait. It is Edmond. My bad.

�Santa delievered presents from a buggy pulled by a mermaid?

Well I believe this would be really annoying if Old Saint Nick did this to us. It would be like having to use a new currency or learn a new language. Everyone would have to replace all their Christmas decorations. This includes the tree ornaments, lawn ornaments, Christmas cookies, greeting cards, books, and almost all of my favorite Christmas specials on TV. Santa, as my only present this year, i ask that you don�t change your mode of transportation. but you can still get me money. Money doesn�t count as a present.

�Elvis were dead?

I know this ones a little crazy. It�s like asking �What if Chuck E. Cheese were dead?� or David Letterman. If Elvis were dead, everyone would be sorry that they joked about his death in the first place. They�d have to dig up his empty grave to put him in the ground. I bet that would cost money too.

�Peanuts wasn�t on the front page of the comics?

I could die a happy man. I�m so sick of that stupid Snoopy and stupid Charlie Brown. Yeah, yeah. And you say, �But Eric, Charles Shultz is dead.� I know, but let�s stop living in the past (whatever that�s supposed to mean). I�ve hated his comics since I was a little kid. The only people who like them are old people right? Well that Lucy Lou, or whatever her name is, is hogging prime real estate on the front of the comics section. I mean do we put George Washingtons news on the front page of the newspaper just �cause he was a founding father. I don�t think so America.

�Pokemon never existed?

Besides the world being safe? Well I know there would be less death battles in the streets of big cities. Hadn�t you heard? Well little kids think it�s all fun and games to raise a Squirtlechu and battle it to the death. Cops have trouble taking down these little mutants and their Pokemon, so they just look the other way. Poor America...and poor Squirtlechu.