*beep*
Liar.
I'm such a fucking liar.
I'm not good- there's no way in hell I'm good right now. Not when I can't even look at anyone or constantly feel like I'm on the verge of tears whenever anyone mentions the guys to me.
I've been coming and sitting out here in this park for the past couple of days. For hours at a time I just sit and feel.....nothing. People watching and seeing families, friends, and lovers walking by, acting as if life has never given them anything worth feeling upset about, as if I'm the only one who can feel any of the real loneliness that now consumes me here behind my shades.
I can't make myself feel anything right now. If I do then it it will make all my feelings real again that I buried in rehab and I don't think I could handle it again. I don't want to be who I once was again.
Heh. Who am I kidding? I'm even lying to myself now if I think I'm not feeling something. I'm not angry anymore - that is the truth. I wasn't lying to Nick about that. But I'm deffiantly not okay yet.
I've gotten a few stares while I've been out here, nothing too out of the unusual I guess for me lately. But it's the stares that carry the pity that hurt the most. I just wish my life could be good again. Back to where it was when we were on top and I had an amazing woman to call my own.
Sarah.
I miss Sarah, I honestly do, but that doesn't mean I want to get back together with her. Loving her means not fighting for her anymore this time. I still think about her everyday though and wonder if I hadn't screwed up again if we'd still be together.
The day we called that meeting was the day I found the ring I gave her in the mail drop outside my door. No note, no sign if she was watching, just the ring shining back at me in it's perfect emerald form reminding me of how far I was from being okay. It was then I realized we couldn't ever be together again. Not after all we had been through, not after all I had done to her.
You can imagine my state of mind I was in when I found out the real reason why we had been called together in that office room. I dont' think I showed any kind of emotion when Nick went on his final tyrade or when Kevin finally snapped, I just sat there next to Howie watching him slowly get angrier by the second and silently holding it in, just waiting to explode.
I should of said something, but I couldn't, I can't.
I don't feel the need to do anything, to say anything.
Maybe if I just sit here on this bench I'll disappear into the background.
Would anyone really miss me? Just another pop star fading into history while others take what was once mine for so long?
Nah, I'm just lying to myself if I think that they would miss me.