Take me back to the new quotes!
Ah, the Summer Quotes Page. So many gems, so many angry Left-Eyes. And with the guest appearances, the epic conversations, and the humidity, it was a hell of a run.
Life in El Casa
[As usual, if I have any notes I put them in brackets right underneath the quote. Also, just an advisory... the quotes are ordered in a particular way, believe it or not. They're meant to be read from the bottom up, meaning that when you check them out, scroll down until you start recognizing them and then
proceed upwards from there. Have fun.]
Adam: So we found Randy.
Jason: Oh good, he's alive.
Adam: Yeah, I was like, "Where the hell were you man?!" And he said, "I was chilling with my brother, why?" And I said, "Because we haven't seen you in forever!" And Randy's like, "It hasn't been that long, man." And I said, "It's been like three weeks!" And Randy goes, "Shit, really? I don't even know, man. I've been drunk this whole time." So we set up these check-in times. I'm like, "You get to a payphone if you have to, and call me at 4 on Saturday. All right?" And he's like, "All right, geez." "If you don't call me at 4 on Saturday, I will hunt you down, I'm serious." "Okay man." "What time, Randy?!" "Four on Saturday, man. I got it. It's all bueno."
Left-Eye: (walking out the door to go home for the weekend) Oh hey, don't look under that. (points to a Wal-Mart bag covering something up on the porch)
Jason: Well... what is it?
Left-Eye: You don't want to know. Just don't look at it.
Jason: Um...
Left-Eye: We found it while we were moving the couch... it'd been under there for a while. Some kind of pizza or something... it's horrifying.
Jason: You think it was from when Adam and Randy visited?
Left-Eye: No... I think it was before that. It's pretty... you might want to throw it away soon.
Jason: Well what the fuck? Why didn't you throw it away?! You set it right next to the trash can!
Left-Eye: I couldn't carry it any farther. I was about to vomit. Have a good weekend! (starts car)
Jason: You son of a bitch!
Left-Eye: (drives off)
Jason: (on the phone with Adam) So how's Randy been?
Adam: Dude, I haven't seen Randy since we've been back.
Jason: But it's been weeks!
Adam: I know; he's disappeared. We think he's living with Molly, but we don't know.
Jason: And he doesn't have a cell phone or AIM or anything?
Adam: (angry) Randy's fucking allergic to technology.
Jason: Well what about Molly?
Adam: I don't know her cell number.
Jason: Oh, well next time you see her-
Adam: (getting angrier) Dude, none of us know what she even looks like. She could be imaginary for all we know.
Jason: Well... (sighs) I mean, can you look her up in the phone book? Do you know her last name?
Adam: I don't even know Randy's last name!
Jason: Well then you are super fucked, my friend.
Adam: I know.
[Randy is the drummer in Adam's band, so it's kind of important that everyone knows where Randy is.]
Jason: (having just pissed outside) It's okay if I touch you with this hand Christina.
Christina: Yeah, the hand you used to hold back your balls or something.
Jason: Steve, I want you to know that you smell like 100% man.
Steve: Well I bathed in the sweat of a hundred men tonight, so...
Jason: (in the car, laughing) There's Dan's Boats. I'd love to buy a boat there. "Here at Dan's Boats, we provide you quality sea vessels from out of my backyard." Oh, and... there's Mr. B's Pools. That's weird. "Did you just buy an awesome boat from my good friend Dan? Well then come on down to Mr. B's Pools, and gitchaself a big ass pool to ride it around in!" (laughs) Man, these crazy- oh, there's David's Bridal! "Have you ever wanted to get married on a sweet boat in the middle of a big ass pool? David's Bridal has what you need to-"
Jason: Hey, look at the sign at that church. "Restore me, o God."
Left-Eye: "O God, should I fail in my journey, please restore me to an earlier state from a backed up system configuration, to a time I know I worked."
Adam: Oh man... I can't believe we ate all our pizzas in a few days. I'm so hungry and we've still got a few days left.
Left-Eye: Well I've got like two pounds of bacon in the freezer. Want me to fry it up?
Adam: Left-Eye, those were the most beautiful words I've ever heard. Please... would you be my Bacon Savior?
Left-Eye: (laughing) Sure thing. (gets up to start cooking)
Adam: No, you don't understand how much I like bacon. My dad'll sometimes wake up and decide to cook breakfast, and he'll get me up and I'll ask, "Did you make bacon?" He'll say, "I made eggs and bacon," and I'll say, "So you made bacon. Good."
Adam: (drunk, videotaping Jason getting a pizza out of the oven) Jason's... oh, watch out! That's hot! Oh man, this is some skillful shit. I'm too drunk for this. Oh! Ah!
Jason: (drunk as well) That's right. That's how we do it in El Casa!
Adam: You know there's a Japanese band called "Loudness"?
Jason: (cutting the pizza) I don't fucking care. What'd you make? Triple Pepperoni?
Adam: Pepperoni Trio.
Jason: Well you guys enjoy this pizza, because it is on me.
Randy: (drunk, coming out of bathroom singing and grooving) Hey... we're here at a party... in Missouri... hey...
Adam: Weren't you in Boyz II Men?
Randy: (laughing) You know this shit!
Jason: (passing by a fish vendor in the rain) "Hey! Hey you over there! Buy my fish! Somebody... please? Buy my fish? I'm desperate here."
Left-Eye: "It's the perfect day for buying fish! Fish come from water, you're in water! It's great!"
Jason: (as a customer) "Did you just say 'urine water?'" (as the vendor) "Uh, no... b-buy my fish! Please!"
Jason: Tonight should be pretty fun. Your last night here.
Adam: I just want to get drunk enough to steal some more shit for your house.
Jason: Man, the only thing you're taking when you leave is... um, from me. And that thing is... my heart. Dammit. I'm trying as hard as I can to make that into a joke, but I'm not pulling it off.
Adam: Yeah, it's not really working...
Jason: Gimme a minute. (thinks)
Adam: Like, I'm only allowed to steal one thing... and... um...
Jason: Oh, okay. The only thing you're gonna be allowed to steal from Kirksville is my heart, as you drive off towards Texas. There we go.
Adam: Okay, that was pretty funny.
Jason: I knew it would be.
Tyler: (as Jason and Randy walk in drunk, carrying lots of American flags and waving them around) Where the hell have you guys been? It's been hours since you left!
Jason: We were out and about. You know.
Tyler: No seriously.
Chris: Yeah, seriously. Where were you guys?
Adam: (noticing the flags) U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Adam, Jason, and Randy: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Tyler: Guys, what-
Adam, Jason and Randy: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Left-Eye: Hey fags, tell us where-
Adam, Jason and Randy: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Tyler, Left-Eye, Chris, Adam, Jason, and Randy: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Jason: (on the phone with Left-Eye) Dude... you're not going to believe this, but... there's a goddamn carnival here! It's crazy!
Left-Eye: (skeptically) A carnival?
Jason: Yeah man, it's got a ferris wheel and live music and there are tons of people here. Get everybody in the car and get out here. You have to see it!
Left-Eye: (after a long pause) You... there's no... what the fuck? You walked to the NEMO Fairgrounds?! You dumbasses! Do you know how far you've gone?!
Jason: (to Randy) Hey, apparently we walked to some fair. It's miles away from El Casa.
Randy: (shrugs) But we found that fuckin' band that was playing.
Randy: (drunk) Dude, I'm tired. I'm turning around.
Jason: (also drunk) What? But we haven't found that phantom band yet!
Randy: Yeah, but I'm fuckin' done with this. I don't want to walk anymore.
Jason: That's crap. You know what Michael Jackson says about that?
Randy: What?
Jason: "Don't stop till you get enough." And have we had enough? Have we had enough, Randy? No.
Randy: (after a pause, sighs) I guess you're right. Let's find that fuckin' band.
Adam: (enraged after suddenly realizing he was ripped off at a store in Texas) God damn it! This pisses me off so much! She just stood there smiling as she sold me dirt! When I go back there, I am going to throw a flaming brick through their window, then kill everyone that runs out into the parking lot!
Jason: (laughing hysterically) Calm down man.
Adam: No! I'm gonna knee that hippy bitch in the face, and then I'm gonna slit her throat! Then I'll fuck the slit! I'm serious!
Randy: (watching Adam play Mega Man) Oh, there's a room full of springs, because that happens. And how does Mega Man bend his knees with those boots? Is that pink stuff his hair?
Adam: (getting annoyed) No, it's part of that guy's helmet.
Randy: Really? Because it's coming out of his helmet, and it looks like pink hair.
Adam: (starting to get really pissed) That is not his hair. It is part of his helmet.
(Minutes of this continue throughout the level.)
Randy: Oh, so this vampire boss flies around and drinks your... robot blood. Do robots even have blood?
Adam: (pauses game, looks at Randy furiously) Randy, if you don't shut your fucking mouth right now, I am going to headbutt you to death. I'm totally serious.
Randy: (as though that's all he needed to hear) Okay man, I'll stop. It's all bueno.
Jason: (quoting a comedian who was imitating Hulk Hogan) "Hey brother. Did you someone just grow a beard like mine? I feel it out there, in the... the Hulkisphere. Because that's what Hulk Hogan calls the world."
Adam: Hulk's senses reach out into the vastness of the Hulkiverse.
Left-Eye: Do you sometimes think there are alternate Hulkiverses?
Adam: And in each one, Hulk Hogan is still the strongest man around.
Left-Eye: Hulk Hogan is the protectorate of all Hulk Hogan beards.
Adam: The guardian of Hulk Hogan beard continuity, if you will.
Jason: "Whoa, what is this weird place, brother? Have I suddenly found myself in a parallel Hulkiverse?"
Adam: (laughing) God...
Jason: "Quick, we have to return this man to his own period before a tear forms in the Hulk-Time Continuum."
Adam: (at 8 in the morning, slapping his hands together) All right guys, let's do this.
Randy: (in a weary voice) No, man... I'm tired as hell. Let's wait till later for that.
Adam: What? Come on man, you're the one who said you wanted to start this thing off right.
Randy: Wait, what are we talking about?
Adam: Getting drunk.
Randy: Oh, yeah, let's get drunk.
Jason: This soup isn't so bad.
Left-Eye: Well that's good.
Jason: It's like, what it lacks in flavor, it makes up in broth.
Left-Eye: That could be... the worst advertising for a soup ever.
Adam: So I head in to band practice the other day, morning after a huge party, and one of the guys in my band comes up to me while we're setting up and hands me a tambourine. He says, "Here you go man; where's the chain?" And I'm like, "What the-" when someone else walks up and says, "Oh, I got it. Don't know how you're gonna get the tambourine on here, but here it is," and hands me a fucking chain. And I'm like, "Whoa, wait, what the fuck are you guys talking about?" And they look at me funny and say, "Don't you remember what you were saying last night?" And I said, "No, I don't." And one of 'em is like, "You were going on about how you should have a tambourine on the end of a chain during shows so you can hit people in the audience with it. We thought it was a rad idea and offered to bring 'em in. I don't how you're gonna attach them together, but we'll leave that to you."
Jason: (reading the sign on a building) "Community Opportunities," hmm. Wonder what that's like. Someone just walks in and says, "Heard ya got some opportunity for me," and the person behind the counter replies, "All right, fine, let's see... uh... just, go paint the back of the building. I'll give you like five bucks."
Left-Eye: Or the person behind the counter says, "Sorry, these opportunities are for communities only, and you're just one guy. Come back when you've become a few hundred people."
Left-Eye: I've thought about this before... I can seriously see Shakira being able to give herself an abortion.
Jason: God, fuck this employee meeting tomorrow.
Left-Eye: Mm, seriously. At least there'll be pizza. That'll make it semi-okay.
Jason: You know what would make it really semi-okay? If they had something else besides pizza there. Eh? And Cheryl and Justin drink a little too much and loosen up a bit, decide to let us have a taste.
Left-Eye: (laughs) The fun we would have...
Jason: Yeah, it'd be totally great. Cheryl would come up to me, drunk out of her mind, put her arm around my shoulder, and say, "Jason, I'm gonna be honest with you. The only reason I hired you back in October was because I wanted to screw you." And I'll say, "Cheryl, I'm gonna be honest with you. This is my two weeks."
Left-Eye: (standing outside with Jason) If you were going to buy instruments here, you'd buy them online. Probably from woodwindbrasswind.com.
Jason: Brasswind?
Left-Eye: I know, it doesn't make any sense.
Jason: That doesn't make any sense.
Left-Eye: (after an annoyed pause) I realize that.
Jason: Though I guess brasswind is technically possible.
Left-Eye: Well, it's really not.
Jason: Yeah, just like take a trumpet and give it a reed. Brasswind.
Left-Eye: That wouldn't... that doesn't make sense.
Jason: Sure it does.
Left-Eye: No, it doesn't. The only way I can imagine that being possible is if you were to place the reed deep inside, somewhere near the middle, but even then-
Jason: There you go. Brasswind.
Left-Eye: That doesn't make any sense. It'd just be woodwind, anyway, once you give it a wooden reed.
Jason: Fine, give it a brass reed then.
Left-Eye: Stop. Stop it right now.
Jason: What? It's brilliant.
Left-Eye: No, it's not. It would sound horrible, assuming it was possible.
Jason: Then stick a brass reed in a clarinet. Brasswind.
Left-Eye: Stop saying that; it doesn't make sense.
Jason: This is great; I could make millions off this idea. I just need someone who can make instruments... hey, who's that guy in Italy who makes violins?
Left-Eye: (stares hard for a few moments) You're probably thinking of Stradivarius.
Jason: Yeah! I could get him to do it. He makes good stuff.
Left-Eye: Well, aside from the fact that he makes violins, there's also that thing where he's been dead for, oh... 300 years or so.
Jason: But he's gotta have a descendant!
Left-Eye: He does. But he makes violins.
Jason: And violins are instruments. If you can make one, you can make 'em all.
Left-Eye: (sighs)
Jason: Besides, worse comes to worse, we'll just make a violin with a little brass reed on top that you blow on while you're playing.
Left-Eye: (no expression)
Jason: It'll make a little vibrating noise that will accentuate your music.
Left-Eye: I'm going back inside.
Jason: (at work) I'll be home soon, honey.
Left-Eye: All right, I'll have dinner waiting for you.
Jason: Well I'm glad I'm not getting enough hours at work. At least I'll have some free time tonight.
Left-Eye: (sarcastically) Yeah, that seems to be lacking in your life of late.
Jason: Did you say, "Yeah, I've been whacking in your life of late?"
Left-Eye: No... I said, "Yeah, that seems to be lacking in your life of late." As in free time. It was sarcasm.
Jason: Oh. Because that doesn't even make sense.
Left-Eye: I know.
Jason: (after an awkward pause) I was just picturing a bowl of soup, labeled "Jason's Life," and you whacking off into it.
Left-Eye: That's great.
Jason: It's a metaphor. I've got people whacking off into my Life Soup left and right.
Left-Eye: You should write a self-help book series on it. "What to Do About People Whacking off into the Soup of Your Life."
Jason: "Step 1: Identify the 'Whackers,' those people who bring trouble into your life and put you into troublesome situations."
Left-Eye: "Chapter 2: How to Prevent Unwanted Whacking."
Jason: "Chapter 5: You are Your Own Flavor. Don't let anyone tell you what kind of soup you are. If you want to be New England Clam Chowder, then goddammit, you're New England Clam Chowder. And that pervert boss of yours can't say shit."
Left-Eye: "Chapter 7: How to Whack Back."
Jason: "Chapter 41: The Whack Attack."
Left-Eye: The sequel: "How to Put the Whack Back in the Sack."
Jason: What?
Left-Eye: Like, telling people how to remove the jism from their Life Soup and put it back in the Whacker's scrotum.
Jason: Oh. (after a long pause) How does one go about that?
Left-Eye: I don't know; you're the self-help guru.
Jason: Oh man, you have got to come look at all the stupid shit my grandma and aunt just sent me. It is ridiculous.
Left-Eye: All right.
Jason: Let's see, lots of tupperware...
Left-Eye: Well that's not so stupid.
Jason: A jug for making juice in.
Left-Eye: We might use that...
Jason: A paring knife.
Left-Eye: All right, that's kind of-
Jason: This thing. (holds up some sort of weird spatula with two different sets of draining holes and one edge curled straight upwards)
Left-Eye: Okay, I don't even know what that is.
Jason: A turkey baster.
Left-Eye: What the fuck?
Jason: I mean, look at it all! There's no end!
Left-Eye: It's like they cleaned out their kitchens and sent you all the old shit they didn't want.
Jason: I think my grandmother has me confused with someone who cooks and has leftovers.
Left-Eye: But hey, at least she sent you some "Top Ramen." Better than bottom ramen.
Jason: I seriously think she sent me her entire "1970" Tupperware collection. (pauses) In a box that looks about my age.
Left-Eye: You should be proud, then.
Jason: Hey, speaking of self-hate, the only notes I took in class today went like this:
P = .8x - 500 P = .8(1000) - 500
x = 1000 = 800 - 500
= I think I hate myself
[Just a note: This one isn't going to look right if you're not viewing it through my profile on AIM, but you should still get it.]
Left-Eye: (walking upstairs) Well, I guess so, but- oh, look. We have a smoke detector.
Jason: Oh, weird. At least they put it in a good place.
Left-Eye: Right, in case the stairwell ever catches on fire.
Left-Eye: (watching Jason play Ninja Gaiden) I love how you just cut his arm off.
Jason: Yeah, but it was the arm not holding the giant weapon. (sighs) You can never cut off the arm that matters. It's just like life.
Left-Eye: I think I saw that cross-stitched on a pillow somewhere, actually.
Jason: So many antique shops here... they're so useless.
Left-Eye: Yeah, Kirksville's like a man eating his own shit.
Jason: God, I could sit here and smell my hands all day.
[I had just used a new scent of handsoap: Spring Water. It was amazing.]
Left-Eye: (playing We Love Katamari) Dammit! That's not fair! Why would they put shit up there if you can't roll over it?
Jason: Yeah, that's kind of weird. Usually they have a philosophy of "If you can see it, you can grab it," which I always respected. (pauses) Because I am a pedophile.
Jason: (on the phone with Adam) Hang on, Left-Eye said there's a rainbow outside. I'm gonna go look.
Adam: You guys are so gay...
Jason: Whatever. I'm gonna take a picture, too.
Adam: (in a Southern accent) "We ain't got rainbows down here, we only got Texasbows. They ain't got all them fruity colors in 'em, neither. Just red, white, and blue."
Jason: (laughs) Jesus....
Adam: "And there ain't no pot o' gold at the end of 'em. It's just a big pot o' chili."
Jason: (in his room, hears a loud and alarming THUMP near the bottom of the stairs outside his door)
Left-Eye: (muffled) Ah, I'm awesome.
Left-Eye: (from foyer) Holy shit! Oh, okay.
Jason: (steps out of his room) What's holy shit?
Left-Eye: Well, I looked out the window and I thought I saw one of those pairs of alligator-crocodile pants riding by on a bicycle... but it turns out she was just wearing a skirt.
Jason: Oh. That's...
Left-Eye: But she was really fat, so I felt justified. (walks into kitchen)
Jason: (exploring the unfinished basement with a flashlight) Oh my God... are those the supports of the house?
Left-Eye: Yeah, I think so...
Jason: Those are cinder blocks stacked on top of each other! That is not proper support!
Left-Eye: Honestly, I think this house is held together solely by the grace of God...
Jason: (sitting in an A&W/KFC, eating a cheeseburger) Man, I'm just trying to imagine an indie fast food restaurant. Like, they don't allow combos on the menu because they say, "Then everybody just orders the same thing, man. We don't do conformity here. The combo meal strips people of their individuality."
Left-Eye: They'd definitely have to serve quiche. And the service would be really slow, because everyone working there would consider their time too valuable to waste on fast food. Probably be a lot of vegan stuff on the menu, too...
Jason: Right, and they'd roll their own ketchup packets in the back, because they can't use "brand" ketchup.
Left-Eye: "Try our ketchup, born from tomatoes in our 100% organic garden."
Jason: And they wouldn't use plastic to contain the ketchup, either. Wrapped in fresh spinach leaves.
Left-Eye: They'd have good music playing, though.
Jason: Definitely.
Left-Eye: I'd love to see the uniforms. "Only ladies-sized band t-shirts on the job, goddammit! If you don't have any old Daft Punk, you get the fuck out!"
Jason: Oh, and can I just express some joy and adoration for our shower downstairs, as it comes down in a soft cascade of water?
Left-Eye: Yeah, it really seems like a good sex-shower. I was thinking that, earlier.
Jason: That's great. (walks into the bathroom to take a shower)
Left-Eye: I know what you mean. (walks out of Jason's room and around the corner, voice grows faint)
Jason: Wow, you just love to walk off while talking to me, huh? That's like the twentieth time you've done it in the past two days and I still can't hear you.
Left-Eye: (opens second door to Jason's room and peeks his head in) Well, I was trying to say that-
Jason: Goddammit Chris. No, don't... don't even finish your sentence. Just get out! I don't care anymore!
Left-Eye: (laughs and closes door)
[The second door to my room isn't supposed to be used. It has a deadbolt that should work, but it's a piece of shit and I hate it. Left-Eye knows how much it bothers me that anyone could just barge into my room whenever they want.]
Jason: (making a list with Left-Eye of things they need to do this summer) Okay okay... put "Meet Evan Williams" on there.
Left-Eye: (laughs) Right. (notes it) Hmm... I actually have a good idea of how to accomplish that.
Jason: Wait, is it a good idea, or a really bad idea?
Left-Eye: Well...
Jason: Pretend you have morals, Left-Eye...
Left-Eye: Okay, then it's a really bad idea.
Take me back to the new quotes!
