Take me back to the new quotes!
Oh, '06-'07. You're so funny.
Shut Up, You're Smiling
[As usual, if I have any notes I put them in brackets right underneath the quote. Also, just an advisory... the quotes are ordered in a particular way, believe it or not. They're meant to be read from the bottom up, meaning that when you check them out, scroll down until you start recognizing them and then
proceed upwards from there. Have fun.]
Chris: Jimmy, your beard is like a bad girlfriend.
Jimmy: What?
Chris: Always hangin' around, not doing anything... and it's becoming too big a part of your life.
Jimmy: (looking around at the others) I don't even know what that means!
Jason: (looking at Chris' Trojan Magnum) Holy... crap.
Chris: Is it much bigger than normal?
Jason: It's huge!
Chris: (looks it up on Wikipedia) "Trojan Magnum XL."
Jason: They make an XL?! The Trojan Magnum XL?!
Chris: It's just wider.
Jason: "Do you have a huge chode? Try the Trojan Magnum XXL!"
Chris: (laughs)
Jason: If they made a Magnum Chode, I would totally buy it.
Chris: Think this brat is done?
Jason: I don't know.
Chris: Well I'm eating it. I'm not waiting any longer.
Jason: Have fun dying by bratwurst.
Chris: Wouldn't be a bad way to go at all. Before I die, I'll just be like, "Tell my gra-" Oh, wait. I guess I won't get a chance to have grandkids. (pauses) This plan is flawed.
Jason: But the bratwurst part seems pretty solid.
Chris: Definitely.
Chris: Are you going to your 1:30 today?
Jason: Chris... I'm going to be 100% honest with you. I don't speak English.
Jimmy: (flipping channels, comes across a show with John Ritter in it) Hmm, you're dead. (changes channel)
Tyler: Jimmy! What the... that's horrible!
Jimmy: He is!
Jason: Nick and I saw a guy in a Chevrolet truck today. It had a sticker on the back that said "Rebelet." On either side were Confederate flag stickers.
Rich: Good God.
Jimmy: A true American.
Jason: He was also wearing a cowboy hat and had long hair.
Rich: Was he also getting a hot handy from the gay Southern man next to him?
Jimmy: That's what all them rednecks do.
Jason: Well there actually was a guy in the passenger seat. Also, I couldn't see his hands. So maybe.
Chris: (knocking on bathroom door) Hey, are you showering?
Jason: (in bathroom, looks at not-running shower) Um, no...
Chris: Well are you about to shower?
Jason: I don't think so, why?
Chris: Because I need to do laundry.
Jason: Okay.
Chris: Are you going to shower in the near future?
Jason: I don't know!
Chris: I'm just wondering if I can do some laundry or if I should wait.
Jason: (angrily) No! Go away!
Chris: "No, don't do laundry" or "No, don't wait"?
Jason: Don't wait!
Chris: Okay, geez.
An hour later.
Jason: (yelling from kitchen) Hey, are you going to shower soon?
Chris: (in TV room) No!
Jason: Well are you going to shower in the near future?
Chris: No, I already did! Why?
Jason: I need to use the microwave and I was just making sure you didn't need to shower!
Chris: (angrily) I was being courteous earlier! Laundry uses hot water!
Jason: Yeah, well, I'm going to use the microwave, so don't shower, okay?
Chris: Jackass.
Five minutes later.
Jason: (stands up from chair) Hey, I'm going to get some sour cream. You don't need to shower, do you? (leaves)
Chris: (very angrily) I was trying to be nice, you dick!
Random Girl at Party: Yeah, me and my friends went as the Jamaican bobsled team last Halloween.
Chris: (walking up) Who were you, John Candy?
Nick: (snickers and turns away)
Random Girl at Party: (looks offended)
Crickets: (waiting to be eaten by Chris' gecko, chirping constantly)
Chris: (thinking he's alone) Yut.
[All right, this'll only be funny if you know Chris and/or are weird like me. But Rich and I fucking died when it happened.]
Nick: (coming out of 300, after no one says anything for a few minutes) Let's fight someone.
Brian: (laughs) Yeah.
Chris: That movie was intense.
Jason: I fucking know! Goddamn.
Nick: I just want to dive at someone and take them out.
People Around Them: (laugh and give weird looks)
Jason: I'm serious guys; for the rest of my life, if I ever meet a Persian I'm going to beat the shit out of them while yelling, "Spartaaaaa!"
Chris: (randomly watching the old Hulk TV show) Amanda's parents should've named her brother "Bruce."
Jason: Yeah, seriously. That would be awesome. I wish I had the chance to name a kid "Bruce Banner."
Chris: Yeah.
Jason: (after a pause) Wait, Amanda has a brother?
Chris: Yeah.
Jason: Oh. What's his name?
Chris: Tim.
Jason: Man, Amanda's parents are dumb.
Chris: Really.
Chris: Hey, how are the rats doing?
Random Bio Girl: One of them's a little gymnast; we can't get him out of the cage.
Nick: Just wait till we give that sucker diabetes; that'll slow him down.
Random Bio Girls: (gasp)
[That really is the experiment. Seriously. Bio majors are assholes, I know.}
Chris: I need to figure out where I'm going to put my gecko when I get it.
Jason: Just put it on that bed in the guest room.
Jimmy & Chris: (laugh)
Nick: Tyler's room? (laughs)
Jason: Yeah.
Jimmy: Maybe we should just kill him to make room for the gecko.
Chris: (immediately) I have a hammer.
Jimmy: There you go.
Nick: God... (looks at Jason) "Hey, we should add a quote about killing our friend!"
Jason: (shrugs) I'll do it.
Chris: Jimmy didn't go to his tennis class again.
Jason: What? He missed the first day?
Chris: Today was the second class. The first one was the Thursday before Spring Break.
Jason: Man. Why would he skip that class?
Chris: Dude... Jimmy was on Spring Break till like 1:30 today.
Jason: (in Wal-Mart) Hey Jimmy, check it out. "Jackaroo Sauce."
Jimmy: What the hell does that mean?
Jason: I dunno; it says it's Australian barbecue sauce. We'll see if it's any good...
Jimmy: (raises eyebrow) You're buying it?
Jason: I have to, man. It's Australian barbecue sauce. It's too weird to pass up.
Jimmy: Geez...
Jason: Time to find out if those kangaroo-lovers can make decent sauce.
Jimmy: Yeah, fuckin' Aussies.
Rich: (watching America's Funniest Home Videos) Fuck this guy. He's never funny.
Jason: Seriously. I think the greatest argument for the non-existence of God is the fact that the host of AFV probably has self-esteem.
Jason: Look! Jesus is in Taco Bell!
Nick: Where? I can't see.
Jason: You'll see in a second. He's eating alone, like a sad Jesus. (sings) Sad Jesus loves Taco Bell...
Nick: Whoa, it is Jesus! He looks kind of mad, though.
Jason: Angry Jesus loves Taco Bell. Burritos and chalupas at Taco Be- Hey look! (points to the marquee of a drugstore) It says, "Welcome back, Nick!" Hopefully they'll still have that up when you get back from Spring Break."
Nick: Maybe I should just walk in there right now. "Hey guys, wow! Thank you! I mean, I haven't left yet, but God... it's so nice to know you guys will miss me. I didn't even know you knew me! What? No, I get my prescriptions from Walgreens. See you!"
Classmate: Nice umbrella.
Jason: Yeah, well, I thought it might rain again today, but then it started snowing, so I've been carrying it around in flurries for like half an hour. Apparently Kirksville loves making me look like an idiot.
Jason: (in Wal-Mart) Chris, you know you want to.
Chris: No, I don't.
Jason: Yes you do! You just said it looked fun!
Chris: I don't!
Jason: You do!
Chris: Jason, I'm not splitting a $70 Lego set with you! That's retarded! How would we even share it?!
Jason: I build it, you tear it down and build it up again?
Chris: No.
Jason: Goddammit.
Jason: (to Jimmy) Chris' character on Wii Sports is black because Rich edited it. It was my idea.
Jimmy: (laughs) Sweet.
Chris: No, I changed it back.
Jason: (disappointed) What?! Why'd you do that? I thought you said it made your character better at sports!
Chris: I did.
Jason: Then why?
Chris: (shrugs) I got tired of being a minority.
Brian: What's funny is that whenever I play baseball on Wii Sports and Nick comes up to bat, I hit a home run.
Jason: Hey, that happened to Rich the other day too.
Chris: The Wii just inherently knows that Nick is a badass.
Brian: Who's Sam, though? Because he blows cock!
Jimmy and Jason: (look at each other and laugh)
Chris: Everybody stop making gay jokes about my brother! He's not gay!
Brian: Hey Jason, check it out. (points to Dueling Dragons roller coaster t-shirt) Told you I'd wear it.
Jason: Sweet.
Chris: (in a serious voice) That's gonna be you and me tonight, Brian. Dueling dragons.
Chris: (messing around with the Wii internet browser) Jason, come look at this! There are huge titties on my Wii!
Chris: I swear, going to Wal-Mart with Jimmy is like going to Wal-Mart with a ferret. Zip, zip, zip.
Jimmy: (drunk) Lindsey was talking about... something about shampooing your hair, and everything else is easier. Like that's why getting drunk for the second time in one day is easier.
Jason: What?
Jimmy: I don't really remember. Just something about shampoo and drinking.
The next morning.
Jason: Hey Jimmy, what the fuck were you talking about with the shampoo last night?
Jimmy: (sighing) I have no idea. Ask Lindsey.
Jason: These tuna fillets are friggin' delicious.
Tyler: What's on them?
Jason: I dunno. It's called "Lightly Seasoned," and I have no idea what that means. It's not just salt and pepper, though. It's like they sprinkled a bit of awesome on it and sold it to me.
Tyler: (laughs) That would be cool if there was a seasoning just called "Awesome."
Jason: Are you kidding? I'd buy it just for the novelty value! (pauses) Plus, if it ended up being good, that'd be even better.
Tyler: It'd be Awesome.
[This one's mainly on here to emphasize how dumb our conversations sometimes are.]
Jason: (talking about Chris' aversion to all things "horror") Chris, you're such a pussy. What are you gonna do when your kids want to go in a haunted house? You're gonna freak out.
Chris: They're gonna go in with their mother, that's what.
Jason: God, you're so weird. You're like, "Strawberry Chapstick is for fags, but don't put a sheet over your head or I'll piss myself."
Jason: (watching Tyler stumble down the basement stairs with a full laundry hamper) Dude, he is so freaking clumsy when it comes to stairs. (pauses) Someday...
Chris: All of our dreams will come true?
Jason: (talking to Chris) No way! You had to chase beer?!
Tyler: He chased it with orange soda.
Jimmy: At first he was going to mix it, and I was just like... (angry and disappointed) "No, dude. No." So he chased it instead, and right after that, his dick fell off.
Chris: I was talking with this coworker of mine up at Home Depot and I asked her, "So, what are you doing tonight?" And she said, "Well, I've got some Spanish homework to do, and then after that I'm going to read the Bible, and then I have to memorize my verses, of course," and then she said something else having to do with the Bible, and I was like, "Well shit; never mind about telling you how I'm gonna get piss drunk later..."
Jason: (drunk) Jimmy's a dick.
Chad: (drunk) Why, because he's doing homework for an accounting meeting instead of drinking with us at six in the evening?
Jason: Yes.
Chad: (laughs) Yeah, he is a dick.
Jason: He should just skip. And get drunk with us.
Chad: Um, I'm pretty sure that's a terrible idea. If he skipped a meeting with my girlfriend to get drunk with me, we would both get in trouble. (pauses) Me way more than him.
Chris: (holding up his arm) Look at my badass cuts.
Jason: The mystery cuts are still there? The ones where you don't know how you got them?
Chris: Yes. (pauses) Although I did accidentally sleep with my box cutter in the bed that night.
Jason: (cracks up) "Man, I don't know how I got these perfectly straight cuts... I mean, I made love to a knife the other night, but still..."
Jason: Last night, a commercial for Jim Carrey's new movie came on, The Number 23. Then Fake Steve and Matt told us about their friend who's obsessed with the number 23. Apparently he sees it everywhere; he thinks it has some sort of universal significance. Michael Jordan's number was 23, Dr. Pepper has 23 flavors, the Earth's axis is titled at a 23 degree angle, all kinds of shit. So he hears about this movie and freaks out, swearing that he'll never watch it. Right after the commercial ends, a basketball game comes back on, and this dude wanders into the middle of the screen with 23 on his jersey. We started laughing in disbelief; it was crazy. I was like, "If you guys have just turned me on to some kind of mindfuck thing that's gonna drive me insane, I'll kill you."
Tyler: Weird. (gasps immediately)
Jason: Holy shit! Did you see that?! Did you fucking see that?!
Tyler: Holy shit! Holy shit!
Jimmy: What?! What is it?!
Jason: That sign we just passed... it said it's 23 miles to Lancaster!
Jimmy: Really?
Tyler: Dude... that is fucked up.
Jason: The second I finished talking about it. Jesus Christ...
Tyler: You're screwed, man.
Jason: I'm gonna kill those two!
Chris: (pulling out of La Pachanga) Out of my way, Guy Who's in All My Bio Classes.
Jason: You know that guy?
Chris: Yeah, he's a jackass. (pauses) And he has a really weak beard.
Jason: (smelling his wrists) Oh man. My wrists smell so good. (sniffs again)
Jimmy: Is that where you were trying out the colognes?
Jason: Yeah. (smells again)
Jimmy: (walking upstairs, randomly mumbling) You should get a... garlic wrist... then you'd be golden, until you... down... gravity...
Jason: I can't even understand what you're saying! All I caught was "garlic" and "gravity!"
Jimmy: (laughs from upstairs) That's probably enough.
Jason: I met my Chinese professor in the cologne aisle.
Jimmy: Oh yeah?
Jason: Yeah, we talked in Chinese for a bit. Then she said, "You know Jason, you're really very good at Chinese. If you don't skip so many times this semester, I think you could be a good student." I was like, "Thanks, Professor Minn."
Jason: Chris and I were talking about if the house got a reality show, America would think we were all retarded because we find facial hair so funny.
Jimmy: (laughs) They probably would.
Jason: Man, this road really needs to be repaired.
Jimmy: What?
Jason: I said, "This road really needs to be repaired."
Jimmy: Oh. I thought you said, "This road really needs a beard."
Jason: (laughs) Geez. (pauses for a bit) You've got beard on the brain, Jimmy.
Jimmy: I do!
Tyler: In class the other day... we were talking about... communication.
Jason: No way! In a COMM class, you were talking about communication? That's kuh-razy!
Tyler: Shut the hell up! I was drinking water and didn't finish my sentence!
Jason: Where are you going?
Tyler: I'm gonna take a shower.
Jason: Wha- don't. I call first!
Tyler: Bullshit.
Jason: Fuck you man; I have salsa in my hair!
Tyler: I have a rush event to go to in half an hour! (runs upstairs)
Jason: (feels back of head) God. Dammit.
Jason: Dude, remember last night when I brought that bowl of salsa into my room, drunk?
Jimmy: Yeah...
Jason: Well, I think somebody slipped a grenade into it when I wasn't looking, because when I woke up this morning, it was everywhere.
Jimmy: Really?
Jason: Freaking covered my hoodie, my pillowcase... it was down one of the legs on my jeans...
Jimmy: Jesus.
Half an hour later.
Jason: (suddenly) I'm so pissed at that salsa.
Tyler: (laughs)
Jason: I'm never buying exploding salsa again.
Jason: Wo bu ai wo.
Tyler: (stares for a bit) Exactly.
Jason: I said, "I don't love me." I was trying to think of the Chinese for "I hate my life," but I don't know how to say "hate" or "life."
Tyler: Great. (walks off)
Jason: Which did nothing to improve my mood...
Jimmy: Jared and I used to go to the used bookstore, high. It was amazing, because they sell those swords there. We were just like, (eyes wide, dramatically pantomimes drawing a sword) ssssssschwing!
Chris: (cracking up) That's my favorite story ever. "Hey, let's smoke a bowl and fight with swords!"
Jason: (watching Lifestyles of the Mega Rich) What the fuck?! You've gotta... what the fuck?!
Tyler: Dude, change it.
Jason: I'm changing it. That's fucking ridiculous! This guy... I hate this guy! There are people starving to death right now and this asshole is buying a diamond necklace for his fucking chihuahua!
Tyler: That pisses me off. That's so... God.
Jason: Whoever sold that man the necklace deserves to be shot in the face. Right in the fucking face.
Jason: We have... so many quotes that we can never put on the quotes page.
Tyler: I know! We should be cataloging them, in case they ever die. Then we could add 'em.
Sarah: Ugh. That reminds me of this guy I had a crush on in fifth grade. He used to call me Sarah Feelme.
Chris: (laughing loudly) That's awesome!
Sarah: No it's not! It was so annoying!
Chris: (after a pause) Can I call you Sarah Feelme?
Sarah: (after a long, annoyed pause) No.
[Sarah's last name is Feeley.]
Jason: (in the Wal-Mart parking lot, in the rain) I like how you failed to put your hood on correctly.
Tyler: Shut the fuck up. I like how you failed to... say shotgun!
Jason: Fuck.
Tyler: (watching Jason update the quotes page) I wasn't talking to Justin; I was talking to Andy.
Jason: No, it was Justin. Andy didn't come upstairs till later.
Tyler: What? Geez... I don't even remember.
Jason: He was up in your room the whole time, dude.
Tyler: Oh shit! What the fuck did we talk about?
Jason: I don't fucking know! I was watching Ardith getting her ass spanked!
Nichole: (spanking Ardith's ass repeatedly)
Jason: Holy shit, Tyler, did you get that on camera? (turns to look at Tyler) Tyler! What are you doing?!
Tyler: (not taking pictures, talking to Justin) What?!
Jason: Stop talking to a dude while there are four women in your bed doing lesbian stuff!
Jason: I can't believe Chris didn't call in sick to work.
Tyler: I know! What an idiot.
Jason: What time does he get off work?
Tyler: I dunno.
After a pause, they both speak at the same time.
Tyler: Pussy time?
Jason: Bitch o'clock?
Both: (laugh hysterically)
Tyler: I love that we both had the same idea.
Jason: Well, Chris is a bitch.
Jason: (laughing) Dude, I could talk about Chris' anus all day.
Jimmy: I think we all could.
Jason: Jimmy, I want you to know that my lesbian aunt just called you a woman for taking so long to get ready.
Jimmy: Great.
Guy on TV: ...and I think you might be missing out on the smaller joys in life.
Chris: Jimmy, you should listen to this guy. I'm concerned you might be missing out on the smaller joys in life.
Jimmy: Oh, yeah. I am. (pauses) Like the joy of going to class sober.
Chris: (laughs) Have you drank every school night so far?
Jimmy: Dude, I've drank... every night I've been here.
Chris: Jesus.
Jason: Yeah, me too.
Jimmy: I only drink when Jason drinks.
Jason: You liar.
Jimmy: (laughs)
Jason: (after a pause) Want to drink tonight?
Jimmy: Yeah, okay.
Jason: Hey, what's the French word for "please"?
Chris: I dunno.
Jason: It starts with a "p," I thought. It's not parler... or parfait...
Chris: Shit Parfait.
Jason & Jimmy: What?!
Chris: Nick and I were talking about naming a band "Shit Parfait." That would be awesome.
Chad: (reading a Coors Light can) "Do something cool. Recycle."
Jason: Is that what it says?
Chad: (not 21) Yeah, it also says, "Twenty-one means twenty-one." I find that funny.
Jason: Man, it sucks that everyone's getting back in town soon.
Left-Eye: What the fuck are you talking about? You've been bitching for days now about no one being in town.
Jason: Yeah, but once they get back, I won't be able to piss with the bathroom door open.
Left-Eye: Well, that's just a fucking tragedy.
Jason: (wanting to drink) Hey man, you didn't happen to get your 21st birthday for Christmas, did you?
Left-Eye: (younger than Jason) I... am going to pretend you didn't say that. And I'm already angry.
Chad: (over the phone) I'm gonna be in town Saturday, and I don't have anything planned, so just give me a call and I'll come hang out.
Jason: Awesome, man.
Chad: Yeah, some guy posted on my wall something like, "Hey man! We should play Wii together!" but I don't care, so I'll be over.
Here begin the First Semester quotes.
Jason: So you have a World Music final tomorrow, and what else?
Chris: Ecology.
Jason: Ah, okay.
Chris: What'd you come up here for? To hang out?
Jason: Just to see what everyone was doing.
Chris: Same thing we always do.
Jason: Try to take over the world... music.
Chris: Exactly.
Chris: You're baking the Parmesan into the pizza?
Jimmy: Yep. That's how they do it in America. You ever been to America?
Chris: I am America.
Angela: I like to write on the Quotes Page. It's awesome. Chad sucks.
Chad: I have no life-goals or talents.
Jason: (very handsome) I'm glad you've come to admit this, Chad.
Angela: (makes out with Jason)
Jason: Sweet.
[Okay, this quote may be fabricated, but Angela co-wrote it. Seriously.}
Chad: (very drunk) I don't know what that whole standing up straight thing is, but I'm not doing it.
Jason: I think it's a lot easier to study when you have your own room, because when you have a roommate that you're friends with, your idle thoughts end up destroying you. I'd be in the middle of studying for something important and suddenly say, "Hey Jimmy, how do dryers work?" And he'd say, "I dunno; let's talk about it for half an hour."
Chris: (having just gotten out of the shower) Shit!
Jason: (in the hallway) What happened?
Chris: My goddamn chair just broke!
Jason: Oh.
Chris: I think I can fix it.
Jason: Maybe you should put some clothes on before trying to fix it.
Chris: No; I'm a better handyman when naked.
Jimmy: (in the car) Nice turn, Chris.
Chris: Hey, should I remind you of how many times you've screwed up that turn?
Tyler: Jimmy does what he wants.
Jason: He drives through whatever, buildings and people.
Tyler: Yeah.
Jason: But Chris, I want you to know that I respect you for always trying to make that turn properly.
Chris: Thank you.
Jason: But, I respect Jimmy too. For being his own man. So I guess my respect doesn't get you anywhere. (pauses) Unless you consider the fact that I don't respect Tyler at all.
Tyler: What? Why?
Jason: Because your car runs on gas.
Jimmy: My car runs on water.
Chris: And my car runs on blood.
Tyler: On blood? Did you just say-
Chris: (narrows eyes) Of the innocent.
Tyler: Hey Jason, you should come down to the rodeo next time you visit us. It'll be fun.
Jason: How about nodeo?
Chris: (laughing) That was the best possible comeback.
Jason: (talking about a commercial) Man, if I saw another guy with the same bag as me, I wouldn't high-five him. I'd give him a knowing look or something. Maybe say a few words.
Chris: I'd just go like this: (makes obscene gesture)
Jason: Uh... why?
Chris: Because we'd both have just dropped thousands of dollars at Zales.
Jason: Right, but... what the hell did that sign mean?
Chris: It means we got fucked up the ass.
Jason: (incredulous) With a fist?
Chris: At Zales, yeah.
Jason: (outside in the cold, after watching Jimmy struggle with the front door for a few minutes) Getting inside my house: my anti-drug.
Jimmy: Shut the hell up.
Jason: Hey Chris, would you sword fight with Jimmy for $50,000?
Chris: (gets a disgusted look on his face, hesitates) ...for how long?
[If you're unsure of the joke here, ask your parents.]
Jason: Excuse me as I rub my crotch in front of you, Chris and Jimmy. I spilled soda on myself. Need to get it dry.
Chris: I'm kind of hungry.
Jason: Me rubbing my crotch made you realize you're hungry?
Chris: No; I'm just hungry.
Jimmy: (walks into kitchen)
Jason: (points his finger at Chris) Chris, have you ever considered--and I don't normally suggest this to people I live with--but have you ever considered sitting across from a good friend and just, you know, watch each other jack it?
Chris: No.
Jason: Hey, you know, I'm just saying. If you're ever bored one day, and the thought crosses your mind... you just stop on by ol' Jason's room. And jack off across from a friend.
Chris: I've done that before, back when I lived with Jimmy, but he didn't know he was participating.
Jason: How do you know Laura was looking for Left-Eye?
Tyler: We saw her at the concert.
Jason: Did you smack her in the face and tell her to come to her senses?
Tyler: No; why would I?
Jason: Because she's dating Left-Eye.
Chris: He's got a goddamn lazy eye! You can't even look at him straight.
Tyler: (coming out of the bathroom) Man, Chris, did that jambalaya tear you up as much as it's tearing me up?
Chris: No.
Tyler: I've just been farting all day.
Chris: Well, I did fart a lot yesterday.
Tyler: See?
Chris: But then again, I fart a lot every day.
Jason: (watching old people struggle out of their cars in a parking lot) God, it would suck so much dick to be old.
Tyler: You'll get there too, eventually.
Jason: We'll see about that.
Tyler: What do you mean, you'll see about that?
Jason: I'm just saying that some people die before they get old. I can do it too.
Tyler: Well good luck. Let me know if you need any help.
Jason: (muttering) Yeah, I'll let you know when I take you down with me.
Tyler: What?
Jason: Nothing.
Jason: (breathes deep while watching his friends' soccer game)
Katie: Nervous?
Jason: Yeah, this game is too close.
Katie: I know.
Jason: I'm just so nervous for my babies.
Katie: (laughs) Your babies?
Jason: Yes. I consider myself a father to all my friends. (pauses) It helps me deal with low self-esteem.
Chris: (nearly eats it really, really badly while going down his icy front porch steps)
Jason: Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh my God! Jimmy!
Jimmy: (still inside, doubled over with laughter)
Jason: (walks inside) Did you fucking see that?!
Jimmy: Yeah, I was watching through the window!
Tyler: (muffled voice from inside the bathroom) That was amazing!
Chris: I feel nervous.
Jason: Nervous?
Chris: I feel... anxious.
Jason: About...?
Chris: Everything.
Jason: Well, you know what really takes the edge off at four in the afternoon: vodka.
Chris: For the last time, I don't want to drink right now.
Jimmy: Hey, what's the freezing point of gravy?
Tyler: Human cloning's illegal.
Jason: So? When you're rich you can do anything. I bet Bill Gates has a clone of himself just for blowjobs.
Jimmy: (in a conversation about a well-endowed woman at Wal-Mart) I like all parts of the female body pretty much equally.
Tyler: I'm an ass man, myself.
Jason: Me too.
Tyler: Though I can appreciate a nice pair of tits.
Jason: Yeah, I appreciated that pair of tits all up and down the spaghetti aisle.
[Please forgive us, all women who read this quote.]
Jason: (playing Resident Evil, walks into a new area) Hmm... why do I suddenly feel afraid of this hallway? I remember something bad happens he- (suddenly a tentacle shoots out of the floor and starts strangling his character) Yaholycrap!
Jason: You awake, Bojim?
Jimmy: Yeah.
Jason: Wow, that was a short nap.
Jimmy: Well... I am the... whatever.
Jason: You're the whatever? What the hell does that mean?
Jimmy: It... whatever.
Jason: Hey, does our bathroom smell funny to you?
Tyler: (sniffs air) No, why?
Jason: (sniffs air) Hmm, I guess it's gone now. Sometimes I think our bathroom has a small natural gas leak or something. I haven't smelled it in a few months, though, so I thought I was imagining it. Maybe I still am.
Tyler: Weird.
Jason: Yeah.
Tyler: (pauses, then shuts Jason out of the bathroom) I'm about to have a small natural gas leak myself...
Kum 'n Go Lady: Have a nice night you guys.
Jason: You too. (leaves)
Tyler: Yeah. (leaves)
Chad: (drunk) I love you. (leaves)
Jason: (points)
Tyler: (looks) What?
Jason: Vagina.
Tyler: (looks again) What, there's a girl over there?
Jason: Tyler... why would I call a girl a vagina if she was right across the street?
Tyler: I don't know! What the fuck are you pointing at?!
Jason: That tree! It looks like it has a big vagina.
Tyler: Oh. (pauses) Yeah, it does.
Chris: That's going to be my band's next CD. "End the Ambience: Better Than Cancer." The cover will be a picture of all of us with goofy smiles, giving the thumbs up.
Jason: Yeah?
Chris: (as a news broadcaster) "The Centers for Disease Control has issued a statement concerning the nation's top killers. The top cause of death in America this year is heart disease, followed by a heavy metal music band called End the Ambience. In third place is cancer. Authorities are investigating a series of suspicious fires that have been set at every one of their shows recently, killing everyone in the bar."
Jason: End the Ambience has no old fans, because they're always killed while listening. No one remembers the first CD because no one has heard it and lived.
Chris: No one has survived a listening party. They all just get so into the music they collapse, dead. Online there'll be reviews that say, "I got halfway into the CD and my chest started to really hurt, so I turned it off. I ended up in the ER and now I can't walk properly." (pauses) "It kicked ass."
Jason: Death by music.
Chris: That's the way I want to go. I want to be 60 and coming back for a reunion tour and just rock out so hard I have a heart attack on stage.
Jason: Lying there, the band laughing and saying, "Chris, get up. Come on man." And then you reach into your shirt and pull out a grenade. "This is how it should be, guys." And you pull the pin and hold it up from the floor.
Chris: "Hand grenade kills 15 at heavy metal show." That's us.
Chad: I've been drunk the past four nights, and every time I've called a Home Shopping Network person and bothered them about shit I'll never buy. (pauses) It's so much fun.
Jason: (in the car) Ohp, some electricians are pulled over. What would your dad do in that situation, Tyler?
Tyler: He's not an electrician anymore; he's a supervisor.
Jason: But he's still an electrician, right?
Tyler: Yeah...
Jason: So, what would he do in that situation?
Tyler: I don't-
Jason: Would he shock the cop?
Tyler: What?
Jason: Does he have a device that can produce electricity on command? Seems like he should.
Tyler: He has equipment to test voltage...
Jason: "Back the fuck up or I'll test your voltage!"
Jimmy: Who was that guy? Thor?
Jason: The god of lightning, with the hammer?
Jimmy: Yeah. Is your dad like Thor, Tyler?
Tyler: No...
Jason: Or like Storm.
Jimmy: Does your dad have a nice rack like Storm, Tyler?
Tyler: What?
Jimmy: Or he could be like Zeus.
Tyler: My dad actually has this lightning bolt rod-
Jason: So you say your dad has a pretty sweet rod.
Tyler: (sighing) Yes...
Jason: And he calls it the "Lightning Bolt."
Jimmy: (snickers)
Tyler: Shut the hell up.
Doctor: Well, I'm looking at your EKG results here, and your heart doesn't look too terrible...
Jason: "Not too terrible"? Is that supposed to make me feel better?
Doctor: Oh, I'm sorry, I should have watched my wording. Your heart looks fine; it's not the problem.
Jason: Oh. Geez.
Doctor: (awkwardly) Yeah. Sorry.
Jason: (laying in ER bed)
Heart Monitor: (suddenly emits a flat, steady tone)
Jason: Well that's alarming.
Heart Monitor: (flat, steady tone)
Jason: Hmm.
Heart Monitor: (flat, steady tone)
Jason: (loudly) Um... should it be doing that? Hello?
Heart Monitor: (flat, steady tone)
Jason: (very loud) I think... I need a nurse! I may or may not have just died! I am also still in a lot of pain!
Chris: (sitting in a recliner, watching Scrubs) Man, I don't want to go back to work. I could just fall asleep right now.
Jason: I know what you mean. Michael J. Fox's voice is just like heaven.
Chad: Wow, you really hate that guy, huh?
Jason: I don't hate him. I just think he's a big leather sack of fat and stupid, and I want to hit him in his dumb, arrogant face until it's less ugly.
Chad: I wanted to talk to everyone last night, apparently. I called Angela just before I went to bed, which was stupid because I went to bed at like 6 AM, and I asked to talk to her friend that was over. So she put her on the phone and I don't even know her that much and we talked for a bit. Before she gave the phone back to Angela, I was like, "Tell Angela that I like her, but don't love her, because I don't want to be tied down." She just laughed and said, "Okay."
[This will really only be funny to the people who know Chad, and know how crazy he is about his girlfriend.]
Chad: Wait, who was Jason Bright's roommate again?
Jason: Chris.
Chad: Oh yeah. Then Jimmy was Chris' roommate, because Brent got his own room.
Jason: Yeah, after Justin flunked out.
Chad: (laughs loudly) Jesus. I can't believe our RA flunked out. Aren't they supposed to pick responsible students for that?
Jason: Hey, give him a break. He had a sleeping disorder.
Chad: He did not. He just said that.
Jason: He was allergic to alarm clocks.
Chad: And going to class. Man, what a tool.
Jason: But were we really so surprised when we heard he'd flunked out? He's made up of like 75% Worthless.
Chad: I called the Home Shopping Network last night, totally drunk. I was like, "Hey. I caught the tail end of that last product and it looked interesting. What was it?" And the woman on the phone was like, "It was womens underwear." And I said, "Oh. Well... my mom's birthday is on Tuesday. If I order a pair now, can it be here by then?" And she said, "I don't think so..." And then I just started rambling. "What sizes do you offer? My mom was prom queen, so I don't know what that translates to in ass size." "Okay, have a good night sir."
Chad: (drunk) We need to call Leslie, and get her over here. But before that, we need to get Chris drunk enough to stick his tongue in her mouth.
Leslie: (drunk, yelling) Hey, Apartment A people! I see you over there! What's up?
Jason: (also drunk and yelling) Apartment A, I will fight all of you to the death! All of you! I just wanted to let you know.
Jason: My pupils are still super dilated.
Tyler: Shouldn't you be wearing sunglasses?
Jason: I... no. Why?
Tyler: When your pupils are dilated, you can damage them in bright light. Don't they hurt?
Jason: No... I know you can damage them, but I mean, they offered me sunglasses at the doctor's office and didn't insist or anything. Wouldn't they have warned me?
Tyler: You should wear some. I'd be wearing them.
Jason: Wha- should I? Shit. I don't want to hurt my vision. Chris, give me some sunglasses.
Chris: (looks around room) I don't have any here.
Jason: Goddammit. Tyler.
Tyler: You can wear my aviators.
Jason: (sighs) Don't you have any normal ones?
Tyler: I have that eyepatch.
Jason: Goddammit. Just give me the glasses.
Tyler: (looks in his room) I can't find them.
Jason: Well I need something! I can feel my eyes deteriorating!
Tyler: Want the eyepatch?
Jason: No! Jesus. I could close my eyes and it would be the same thing. (pauses) Only twice as good!
Tyler: Well they should be here on my amp. That's where I put them last, I thought. Oh, they fell off. Here.
Jason: (walks into Chris' room with Tyler) How do I look? Stupid?
Chris: (laughs loudly) A little.
Jason: Thanks. You assholes.
Jimmy: If weed was ever legalized, that would be amazing.
Jason: It'd be crazy. Can you imagine? Telling your grandchildren: "In my day, marijuana was illegal." And they'll say, "Why? That doesn't make sense." And I'll say, "Fuckin' a, little ones. Goddamn cotton industry." And they'll say, "What's cotton, Grandpa?"
Jimmy: (laughing) They wouldn't know cotton?
Jason: We'll all be in synthetic silk gowns by then, man. With metal hats.
Jimmy: Metal hats? What are you talking about?
Jason: I'm talking about the future, Jimmy.
Nick: (to the tune of the song) Hakuna Matata... is what I call shit in my vag.
[I don't know; it's Nick.]
Jason Bright: (on the phone) Hey, I'm coming back to El Casa.
Jason: Oh really? What about the bonfire?
Jason Bright: Uh, well it's really boring, and the fuglies are out in force tonight, which means it's essentially a sausage fest, which means I'm coming back to El Casa.
Jason Bright: (tries getting under the covers with Libby)
Libby: No, don't!
Jason Bright: Why? I'm cold.
Libby: I sleep naked!
Jason Bright: Oh. (pauses) Awkward.
Jason: I can't believe I'm drinking Evan for free with the B-man. Fucking awesome.
Jason Bright: Hell yeah, man. Drink up.
Jason: It's so weird to taste it again. It's amazing.
Libby: (makes a disgusted face) How can you drink that?
Jason: Because it tastes like memories, Libby. (pauses) Cheap, gross memories.
Jason: You know they don't have fortune cookies in China?
Jason Bright: Yeah.
Libby: Duh.
Tyler: You didn't know that?
Jason: Wha- no... not until recently. (pauses) But isn't that weird?
Libby: (shrugs) Not really.
Jason Bright: (shrugs)
Tyler: I guess.
Jason: Am I the only one heartbroken here? Chinese people don't eat fortune cookies!
Chad: The other night I got ridiculously drunk and me and Angela went to eat at Pagliai's with some friends, and... I called our waitress a lesbian, so Angela made me go sit in the car because I couldn't behave.
Jason: You called her a lesbian?! And you got put in time out?!
Chad: (shrugging) I told her she looked like a lesbian. She did.
Chad: (in pajamas, drinking a 40, sitting on the floor with his head against the wall) Oh... I am a waste of space right now.
Jason Bright: (looking at pictures on Tyler's computer) Hey, isn't that the girl who lives across the street?
Tyler: Yeah, she's in charge of the herpetology lab.
Jason Bright: (totally serious) Sweet. You should tell her to steal a snake so we could play with it.
Adam: We got nothing done at our last practice. I was so pissed. We decided it's because only one of us wasn't sober, so at the end we voted that there will be no more sober practices. Everyone has to be drunk, high, or both. It's how we work.
Chris: (on the phone with Steve) How are the songs coming?
Steve: They're fine, but I'm having a lot of trouble with Dildo. (pause, then quietly) Wow, I said that really loud.
[Steve is Chris' bassist, and at this time he was learning the song "John Walkindildo."]
Chris: (at a crowded party) Hey, where'd Steve go?
Jimmy: I saw him go back to the bathroom. I think Fake Steve is taking a Fake Shit.
Chris: (pissed) Did you see we got tickets for "parking on the sidewalk" in front of the house?
Jason: Yeah, I heard you guys yelling about it earlier, when you woke me up.
Chris: Sorry, but I'm pissed.
Jason: I know; I would be too. It's pretty ridiculous.
Chris: We each had one tire on! And the girls across the street do it all the time and they got nothing!
Jason: Sorry man.
Chris: Maybe if the sidewalks around here didn't suck so much dick I'd be more respectful of them. That sidewalk down the street is a fucking deathtrap.
Chad: (hung over) I think I'm gonna go; I need to throw up in my own toilet.
Random Pi Kap: Everybody head downstairs. We're moving the party to the basement. Go downstairs. (points at Angela) Except you, you can stay upstairs if you want.
Jason: What? Why are you allowed to stay upstairs?
Angela: (drunk) Because I'm special.
Jason: What makes you so special?
Angela: I'm hot.
Chris: (drunk) Jimmy, give me that beer.
Jimmy: (drunk) All right.
Chris: Hey, there's stuff on it!
Jimmy: What?
Chris: There's stuff on it! Look!
Jimmy: What am I looking at? What are you talking about?
Chris: There's stuff all around the top!
Jimmy: Chris. What. Are. You. Talking. About.
Chris: (points to a spot) Look!
Jimmy: Chris, we're under like a million blacklights. It looks like there's shit all over everything!
Chris: Oh. (pauses, then slowly hands the can back)
Random Drunk Girl: (wandering around at night) It's so windy! There aren't any tornadoes tonight, are there?
Chris: (drunk, across the street) I am... the Tornado.
Herpetology Girl: (feeding a small snake a mouse) We feed that big snake over there rats.
Random Girl: But isn't that mouse too big for the snake?
Herpetology Girl: No, it can eat something twice its size. In fact, that big one could eat a dog, or take a good chunk out of a person.
Nick: I fed it a baby last week.
Three Bio Girls: (gasp)
Nick: Don't worry; it was dead.
Three Bio Girls: (look offended, walk away)
Girl at Newman Center: Hey, I don't see you two around here.
Nick: (only there for the free food) Uh, yeah, I don't come here often.
Girl at Newman Center: Do you remember me? I'm Ginger from bio.
Nick: Oh yeah! I met another Ginger over the summer! She was our age; it was so weird.
Ginger: Weird?
Nick: Yeah, I just never thought I'd meet another person named Ginger under 55.
Ginger: (looks offended)
Tyler: (standing outside, moves toward Chris) Chris, warm me up.
Chris: (moves away quickly) Fuck you. I'd freeze to death before cuddling with you.
Jason: Geez.
Chris: As I'm dying: (faintly) "I'm not gaaaaaaaaay..."
Chad: (drunk, ranting) Did I tell you about that picture of Beard in the yearbook? It's a nice, big, color picture of him sitting on a bench. It looks like he's thinking. Probably about Chucks. "I should buy more Chucks... then everyone will know I'm unique."
Amanda: (drunk) So I watched the video that Jason posted on his Xanga, and I was shocked. Do I really sound like that? Because if I do, I wouldn't listen to anything I said.
Jason: I have to give a presentation on Native American modern art in a month or two. I'm gonna be like, "And this crazy motherfucker uses face paint on his own face for his art."
Chris: You should actually call him that.
Jason: It is a technical art term.
Jason: (trying the cheapest vodka he's ever had for the first time)
Chris: Well? Is it bad?
Jason: Um... it's like if vodka could spoil, and then you added cane sugar to that.
Jason: (to Chris) Okay, so I just got off the phone with my friend Dave. He says that he's never heard of dipping peanut butter sandwiches in chili either. He also told me to get new friends.
Jason: (yelling at Tyler) You burned a liquid! Do you understand how impossible that is?!
Left-Eye: I was actually conceived from a really strong handshake. My parents just shook hands so epically that BAM. Baby.
Jason: I think you had four Hot Pockets last time.
Sarah: I did not! I had two!
Jason: No way. It was four.
Sarah: No, no, no. I had two!
Jason: Chris, how many Hot Pockets did Sarah have last time?
Chris: Two.
Sarah: See?
Jason: Fine, but if you're so damn sure you had two last time, how did you not remember that they come two to a box?
Sarah: Because I was drunk; I don't remember how many I had.
Jason: (incredulous) Wha- wha-
Sarah: But I know I only had two!
Jason: (sighing) Why does everyone always leave me? (walks to staircase and yells) The downstairs is cool too!
Tyler: (faint) Not when you're down there!
Jason: (quietly) Cock...
Tyler: (walking into the room) Dude, I just got rocked by my printer. (points to welt on forehead)
Chris: Oh, did I tell you that Jimmy and I may have found something awesome?
Jason: What the hell does that mean?
Chris: Well, we were-
Jason: That's like the vaguest thing imaginable!
Chris: Shut the hell up and listen.
Chris: You guys need the mayonnaise before I put it away?
Tyler: No.
Jason: You should use light mayonnaise.
Chris: You should shut up.
Tyler: Chris is a big boy; he can do what he wants.
Jason: He'll be a bigger boy if he keeps eating mayonnaise.
Chris: Big enough to kick your ass.
Jason: Wait, so this guy was selling all his guitar stuff because he's having a baby? You bought his passion because he needed the money that badly?
Chris: Yep. Now I have a new guitar cabinet.
Jason: You asshole.
Chris: (shrugs) He should've used a fuckin' condom.
Jason: Now that it's fall, are you going to stop buzzing your hair?
Chris: I dunno.
Jason: I think you look better with hair.
Chris: I think you look better not here.
Jason: (stunned silence) Y-you dick.
Jimmy: That was funny.
Jimmy: Damn, that's a fat spider.
Jason: It's like swollen.
Tyler: Holy crap. Kill it, man. I hate spiders.
Jason: (sighing) I guess I have to, but I know that when I swat it, it's going to explode and a million baby spiders are going to fly at my face.
Drive-Thru Worker: Hi, welcome to Taco Bell, may I take your order?
Left-Eye: Uno momento, por favor. (turns to Nick and Tyler) What do you guys want? I'm thinkin' about a Cockwrap Supreme.
Tyler: Oh, those are awesome!
Drive-Thru Worker: That's inappropriate.
Left-Eye: (turns back) Oh, you know you want one, darling.
Nick: The Browns have the worst team name in the history of the game. It's like, "Hey, our first coach's last name was Brown, so we're the Browns and now our jerseys are brown."
Chris: Is that really how it happened?
Nick: Yeah. It's retarded.
Jason: What about the Oilers?
Nick: And they're the Texans now. That's the worst team name.
Jason: I always hated the Harlem Fried Chickens.
Nick: Why, because it doesn't exist? (in a goofy voice) "Hey, we're the Asian Bad Drivers."
Jason: Because Asia only has one football team.
Nick: (jokingly) So you guys gonna go Greek this year?
Jason: (laughing) No, no way. I'd go home and say, "Hey Dad, can I have $500 extra per semester?" and he would pull a knife out of his pocket and saw my head off right there. My dad doesn't own a knife, but he would have one on him that day.
Chris: (drunk) Someone go with me to Kum 'n Go. I'm gonna ask that Natalie girl out.
Jason: Don't do it, she won't take you seriously if you're drunk.
Nick: Chris, I will go with you and pay you five dollars if you ask her out like this: "Hey Natalie, wanna go on a date? I promise I won't Kum... and Go." Like, the next morning.
Jason: Shut up, Nick.
Chad: (drunk) Take another shot, Jason.
Jason: I've already had four! You invited me to have "one" shot. Are you sure?
Chad: Well, I've only seen you do two and a half, like a pussy.
Jason: You watched me do four!
Chad: Take another shot.
Chad: (drunk, ranting) I was talking to this guy I hate the other day, and this guy is dumb. Dumbest person I've ever met. About as smart as a box of hair.
Chris: What did you do to my sandwich?
Jason: Nothing.
Chris: Did you press my iPod into it?
Jason: No.
Chris: Which end did you press into it? The bottom one?
Jason: Maybe.
Chris: That's the end I use to connect it to my computer. (blows sandwich crumb out of the USB port, then looks Jason in the eye) Next time you leave your mp3 player lying around, I'm gonna put it down my pants.
Jason: I've been using the word "doof" a lot today because Sarah called me a doof earlier.
Chris: She called you a doof?
Jason: Yeah.
Chris: (pauses) Sarah's a doof.
Jimmy: How did your doorknob get broken?
Jason: I think it was last night when I insulted Irish dancing and Sarah chased me to my room. I slammed the door in her face and she banged it a bunch.
Jimmy: (laughing) Oh yeah. Everyone was banging on it. Chris banged it a lot.
Chris: I did?
Jimmy: You don't remember?
Chris: No, but I also don't remember eating a frozen pancake last night, and apparently I did that too.
Jason: What are you doing?
Tyler: I'm going to try to fix your doorknob. (runs upstairs for a screwdriver)
Jason: Sweet; if Tyler fixes my doorknob, there will be no force on Earth able to stop me getting a boner for him.
Jimmy: All right, that's enough.
Chris: You haven't seen Slingblade?!
Jason: No.
Chris: That's crazy. That's like Billy Bob Thornton's crowning achievement as an actor.
Jason: I thought Billy Bob Thornton's crowning achievement as an actor was banging the Tomb Raider.
Jason: Have you seen the quote where Rich-
Mason: Where he claims I never cook and talks like a bitch? Yeah.
Jason: Oh. (pauses) Did he really hit you with a frozen steak?
Mason: No, he just makes sarcastic little "Don't wear yourself out" remarks that I don't appreciate.
Tyler: Amanda messaged me about the turtle quote.
Jason: Oh yeah?
Tyler: Yeah, she wasn't mad. She said, (in a falsetto) "Ha ha ha, that's hilarious." And I said, "But you really should feed your turtle," and she's like, "Um, yeah..."
Rich: (walking in the front door) Why hello there.
Jason: Hey, what are you doing here?
Rich: Just saying hey before I go home. To cook. For Mason's punk ass.
Tyler: Did you know I'm in six of the nine quotes so far?
Jason: (doing homework) Mm.
Tyler: I'm taking over this year.
Jason: Mm.
Tyler: I'm gonna be the new Chad.
Jason: (looks up) There can never be another Chad.
Tyler: There can never be another turtle incident.
Jason: Maybe. We should go visit Amanda's turtle...
Tyler: Nah, Amanda'll kill it on her own.
Chris: (sitting down at the table) Dinner's ready, Jimmy.
Tyler: How was work?
Jimmy: (walking past) Gay as hell.
Tyler: We do not use that kind of language at the dinner table!
Chris: Where are you going?
Jimmy: Shut up.
Tyler: You don't take that tone with your father! Get back here!
Jason: Jimmy's throwing up? No way.
Tyler: (drunk) Yeah, I offered to throw up with him.
Jason: Wha- why? Why would you do that?
Tyler: Because I could probably throw up too.
Jason: (incredulous) So?! What the f- why would you want to do that?
Tyler: Because Jimmy's throwing up! I'm gonna go throw up with him.
Jason: Tyler, leave him alone.
Tyler: (from outside) Jimmy, I'll throw up too!
Jimmy: (drunk, vomiting) Get the fuck away from me, you idiot! Can't you see I'm pissed about this?!
Tyler: I'll throw up too. (throws up)
Jason: (doesn't know what to say)
Tyler: (driving past a parking lot) Hey look; it's Mohler!
Nick: Quick, somebody yell, "I think, therefore I am" at him!
[Mohler was our Philosophy professor. Imagine someone yelling that at him as though it were a taunt and you'll understand why it's funny to us. Maybe.]
Rich: I asked Mason to make some dinner for tonight and he's like, "Uh, nothing's been left out," so he didn't. How hard is it to put some shit in the sink and defrost it? When I get home, I'm gonna beat him in the mouth with some frozen steaks, then cook 'em for him and say dirty things to him while he eats them.
Chris: So I'm in my JINS class today and the professor comes in looking ridiculous with a shirt that says, "GEEK" on it, and I start thinking, "Please don't let this be a nerdy class, please let it be interesting," and he looks at us and says, "I have a website." Fuck that class.
Chris: (through Jason's bedroom door) Hey, you up?
Jason: No, I'm talking in my sleep. I also changed my away message to "Class" in my sleep.
Chris: Screw you; I didn't check.
Tyler: Jason, I think I've found the perfect shit to take in my new bathroom.
Jason: It's our bathroom.
Tyler: Fine, I think I've found the perfect shit to take in our new bathroom.
Jason: (not looking up) That's great, I guess.
Tyler: (in line at Wal-Mart) Jason, you buy the paper towels.
Jason: Screw that; I bought them all summer.
Tyler: So? I wasn't here all summer.
Jason: I bought them last time!
Chris: I bought them last time!
Tyler: And I used them to clean your bathroom.
Jason: It's our bathroom.
Tyler: That I cleaned!
Jason: Yeah, well who do you think cleaned the upstairs one?
Chris: I did.
Jason: God, fine. (grabs them)
Nick: So, you guys think the Blues'll pull it off this year?
Tyler: Who cares?
Nick: Yeah, hockey's stupid.
Jason: Hockey can suck my dick.
Chris: (defensively) Hockey doesn't wanna suck your dick.
Jason: (suddenly) "Julie, dammit, I said not to allow anyone into my office today! I'm in a very important meetingf."
Nick: "Hold all my callsf. I need to teasef my beanf."
Jason: "I'm trying to settle the Johnson accountf. If I don't teasef his beanf exactly right, this company will lose thousands of dollarsf."
Nick: "It's a delicate business situationf."
Jason: "Just whose officef do you think you're inf? You're firedf!"
Nick: "I'm sorryf Mr. Schrimpf!"
Chris: God...
[If you read the Quotes Page the wrong way, this quote will make no sense at first.]
Chris: Rauleen, do you need another pillow?
Rauleen: No, I'm fine.
Chris: Here, I found this one. Take it.
Rauleen: No, I don't need it.
Nick: You don't have one anymore? I took your only one?
Rauleen: I'm fine.
Chris: Take this one.
Rauleen: No, I'm really all right.
Nick: You can have yours back.
Chris: Here, have this one I found.
Rauleen: Give it to Nick.
Nick: No, I'm fine. Take this one, Rauleen.
Jason: (trying to sleep) Somebody take a goddamn pillow from somebody else!
Nick: (in the dark, sharing a room with Jimmy, Chris, Rauleen, and Jason) It was pretty good.
Jimmy: (drunk) Better than pretty good. It's delicious.
Jason: (suddenly falling on Jimmy in the pitch black) Jimmyhow'sitgoing?
Jimmy: (kicks at him) Dude, what the hell?!
Jason: (choking) You kicked me in the throat, you dick!
Jimmy: I just don't like dudes hugging on me!
Chris: (from across the room) What the hell is going on over there?
Nick: What do you call a male cocktease?
Jason: A beantease.
Nick: Okay, I don't want to be a beantease, but-
Jason and Chris: (laugh boisterously)
Rauleen: What is it?
Jason: Nick said he doesn't want to be a beantease.
Rauleen: What's a beantease?
Jimmy: (drunk) It's when you fart and get turned on by it.
Rauleen: Oh.
Jason: Look, Schrimpf Management.
Nick: Shrimpf?
Jason: Yeah, like shrimpf scampif.
Nick: I enjoy a delicious boiled schlobsterf.
Jason: "Authentic Japanese shmushif served here."
Nick: Schmallopsf.
Jason: Baked schmamonf.
Chris: You guys are retarded.
Rauleen: Anyone want a Pringle? Jason? Chris?
Jason: I'm good.
Rauleen: Nick?
Nick: (talking to another driver) Yeah, I'll pass you on the right, whore.
Jason: I guess that's Nick's extremely rude and eccentric way of saying, "No thanks."
Nick: Yeah, I thought it was a stupid name.
Jason: (suddenly) Hey, did you guys know Rich was black?
Chris: (in fake surprise) No way, really?
Jason: Yeah, it's crazy.
Rauleen: I just thought he didn't shower.
Tyler: (carrying a guitar case into Chris' room) Hey Chris, do you have anywhere I can stick this?
Chris: (points to a corner) Sure, right here.
Left-Eye: (laughs loudly from the other room)
Jason: I wish we had a dishwasher.
Chris: We do; his name's Jimmy. He'll be here Sunday.
Jason: (on the phone with Rich) It'll be cool to hang with you again.
Rich: Yeah man, definitely.
Jason: Tyler's freaking out about you getting here. He's thinking up drinks to make you.
Rich: (laughs) Oh?
Jason: Yeah, he got this drink mixing book over the summer and has been bothering us with all these recipes.
Rich: So Tyler's being Tyler.
Jason: Yeah. He's so excited about it. He's like, "Okay, Rich is in town. We'll need some strawberries and white rum."
Rich: Good God.
Jason: Dude, I'm so excited you're back in Kirksville. I refrained from eating dinner just so we could eat together. Like old times.
Chris: (smiles widely) I refrained from eating too. (pauses) But it wasn't because I wanted to eat with you; I just wasn't hungry.
Take me back to the new quotes!