Take me back to the new quotes!
So the '05-'06 Quotes Page comes to an end, huh? Crazy. What a year though. So many changes, so many blah blah you only care about the quotes, I know. Enjoy.
A Record of Some Kind of Living
[As usual, if I have any notes I put them in brackets right underneath the quote. Also, just an advisory... the quotes are ordered in a particular way, believe it or not. They're meant to be read from the bottom up, meaning that when you check them out, scroll down until you start recognizing them and then
proceed upwards from there. Have fun.]
Chad: (drunk, ranting) So I was helping Angela make her toga earlier tonight and she pointed to a specific height and said, "Hey, let's make it this short," and I took the scissors away from her, stabbed her with them, and said, "Hey, fuck no, we're not doing that, so shut your mouth." I told her.
Left-Eye: A new disease ravages the world, and it turns out the only cure is Wolverine's blood.
Jason: Wolverine bursts in the door and his claws come out like *Snikt!* *Snikt!* "Don't worry little Johnny, I'm gonna fix you right up. This'll only hurt for a sec, Bub." And he slams the needle deep into the kid's shoulder, depresses the plunger, and then swings his arm and shears off the syringe, leaving the needle sticking out of the boy's skin. "That's how we do things X-Style!" And then he slices the kid's ear off.
Nick: (as though for a commercial) "Pediatrician Nick Moore... I'll love your little boys just as much you do!"
Tyler: (walks into the room) Hey Jimmy, squirrel season starts May 27.
Jimmy: Sweet!
Tyler: And, kaiyote season starts the 15th.
Jimmy: Cow season? (pretending to talk to a farmer) "I don't care if it's your fuckin' cow; it's open season!"
Rauleen: (via AIM) Well when are you guys going to dinner?
Jason: (begins typing, "Well, we'll head down whenever Jimmy gets ready")
Tyler: Wait, tell her we'll be down in "Jimmy" minutes.
Jason: We'll be down in "Jimmy" minutes.
Rauleen: Um, what?
Chad: Yeah, I had a couple of beers at like three one afternoon, a while ago-
Jason: Man, I've never drank in the afternoon... that's so weird.
Chad: It's amazing.
Jason: But it'd be lame... wouldn't you just sober up by nightfall?
Chad: Well... that's one option...
Jason: (in Chris' car) Hey Jimmy, yell, "Big titties" at these girls like you did earlier.
Jimmy: No, these girls are ugly.
Jason: (laughs incredulously) Well I'm glad it's not because we're pulling over, but because they ugly. You're a good guy, Jimmy.
Chris: So we drew for rooms and Tyler got the big room.
Left-Eye: Yeah?
Chris: Yeah. So if you stay the summer, take his room and masturbate all over it.
Left-Eye: Oh, I will.
[Chris is pretty bitter about the room lottery.]
Tyler: (to Rich) Just shut up and finish your fried chicken there, blackie.
Jimmy: Oh my God...
Jason: Tyler... Rich is not the only black person in that direction.
Jimmy: You're so... God... you moron...
Jason: You don't even know those girls.
Tyler: (embarrassed) Yeah... maybe I shouldn't have said that so loud.
Jason: Or maybe you shouldn't have said that so vocally.
Jason: So how's your night going?
Nick: Eh, it's all right. Waiting for Chris to get back so we can start on this lab report, watching sports... Angie's mad at me.
Jason: Oh?
Nick: Yeah, I got distracted while talking to her online... she got frustrated and went off to study, angry.
Jason: Ahh... it's good to be free of fights, man. It's good to be without. (pauses) Good to be free... (pauses again) No, it's... it's actually pretty awful to be free...
Jason: Man, how many nights have I drank in a row? (thinks) Too many...
Nick: Yeah, hmm.
Jason: Well, it's all for a good cause. At least we know how I'll deal with a future divorce, should that come about. I... will not live through it.
Nick: (sighs)
Jason (making a list of things needed for the house next year) Oh, a hammer. We'll definitely need a hammer.
Chris: I'll just put "generic tools." (pauses) Man... it sounds like we're getting married.
Jason: Which is awesome.
Chris: Oh, you're left-handed? I didn't know that.
Left-Eye: Yeah, and they say that makes me 30% more likely to become an alcoholic, which is pure poppycock. (raises a handle of vodka to his lips)
[What makes this hilarious is that he was actually drinking out of that thing that night, so there was no "set up" involved in this quote.]
Chris: I'm gonna play poker on your computer.
Nick: Good luck logging in without my password.
Chris: (under his breath) Foiled...
Tyler: My uncle used to give me wedgies and hit my head on the ceiling.
Jason: Uh... that's pretty weird.
Tyler: He would call it, "Taking Me to China."
Left-Eye: Wow... that went to a sexual place really fast.
Jason: (holds up bottle of Cuervo) Hmm... I really should have just finished this tequila off last night. I can't believe I left this tiny bit in there.
Jimmy: (looks) Yeah... you really should have. That's pathetic.
Jason: (laughs) I've got three bottles of alcohol under my desk, all of them at the end of their life-spans. (pauses) Maybe I should just mix what's left of the tequila, vodka, and Midori in a glass and drink it as fast as I can.
Jimmy: Maybe that's a terrible idea.
Jason: Maybe... tomorrow night.
Tyler: (watching Cardinals game, begins to clap really loudly by himself and hoot)
Jason: (stares at him for a bit) Stop. That thing you're doing, right now, stop doing that.
Tyler: (points at crowd on TV) They're clapping and cheering.
Jason: But the players can actually hear them, Tyler.
Left-Eye: Behotch! I'm a Sinfonian now!
Jason: You took the test?
Left-Eye: Yup! And we passed and were initiated!
Jason: Awesome. Congrats, man. Tyler says, "Sweet, yay Left-Eye." Jimmy says, "Oh."
Left-Eye: (laughs) Tell Tyler thanks and Jimmy that I hope his VW Bus explodes.
[We joke around a lot that Jimmy is a hippy.]
Jason: Feeling okay this morning?
Left-Eye: Yeah, thanks for checking. Why?
Jason: Because Jim-Jim said you went to the bathroom like four times.
Left-Eye: (laughs) Yeah. I just don't like the feeling of spinning, and that's what happens when I attempt to drink quickly.
Jason: Ah.
Left-Eye: If you could tell me why my forearm hurts, though, I'd be greatly appreciative.
Jason: No idea. Did your forearm break up with Rauleen? Because that could be it.
Left-Eye: Ma ha ha... must've broke up with some force, then; it's vaguely swollen.
Jason: Weird.
Left-Eye: Indeed. I don't recall blocking any blows.
Jason: I have this thing... the Zoomer... it's like a frisbee. It's great.
Left-Eye: (laughs) Sweet. I'm proud of you.
Jason: I'm pretty fucking awesome.
Jason: (very drunk) Oh, man... I finally got up into my bed. Oh, shit. I just knocked my fan off my wardrobe.
Adam: Just leave it for the morning, man.
Jason: No way. It's something I have to do.
Adam: You sure?
Jason: I'm way sure.
[Adam swears it took me seven minutes to get that damn fan back up on my wardrobe. I wouldn't know because I can't remember.]
Left-Eye: (walking into Nick's room with his head covered in ice cream) Hey Nick. Ice cream is a dangerous weapon.
Jimmy: (uses a Stridex pad, puts his ladder up to his bed, stands by it and stares for a moment)
Jason: Are you going to bed, Jimmy?
Jimmy: Um... I dunno. Maybe. (his cell phone rings) But then again, I could be getting weed. (talks on phone for a minute, hangs up) Yep, I'm not going to bed. See ya.
Jason: (at Wal-Mart, looking at Easter baskets for Angela) Chad, get her this one. It has an air bus and two fighter jet toys in it.
Chad: No, I won't be getting that one. Maybe I won't get any of these; they're all retarded.
Jason: Come on man, there's no better way to symbolize the return from the dead of our lord and savior than fighter jets. And an air bus.
Jason: Hmm... do you think if I killed myself, Rauleen would love me again?
Nick: Jason... that one is... so beyond not funny...
Jason: What? Oh come on; you're smiling!
Nick: Yeah, but... geez... you know that would kill Rauleen...
Jason: Oh, yeah, of course... no, I would never do something like that to her... I wouldn't want to hurt her like that...
Nick: Yeah...
Jason: (after a long pause) But the timing was really good, right?
Nick: All right, it was funny! Just don't say things like that!
Jason: Okay, as long as we're clear it was a good joke...
Jason: (speaking as though to his children in the future) "Yes kids... April 2006 wasn't a great month for your father. I set a number of personal records that month, records I don't tell anyone about."
Jason: Hey man, you never called me back Friday night.
Chad: What?
Jason: I called you, Friday night. You didn't call me back.
Chad: Hmm... Friday night... what was I doing? Oh yeah. Friday night I woke up in the backseat of my car, a mile off campus, and I had pissed myself. That was when I decided I need to stop drinking.
Jason: Wow...
Chad: That's probably why I didn't call you back. I was busy.
Chris: (much later in the day, after waiting for the door to be unlocked) Are you still dancing?
Jason: Hell yeah, man. What do you need?
Chris: (walks inside) I need to look out your window to see if there are any open parking spots.
Jason: Okay, well make it quick. I don't wanna break the flow for too long, you know?
Chris: (rolls eyes, peers out of window) All right, I see one.
Jason: You gonna move your car?
Chris: Yeah.
Jason: All right man, well you know I'd go with you, but... I got work to do.
Chris: God... (leaves)
Chris: (knocks on door, turns handle, walks off after discovering it's locked)
Jason: (opens door from inside, Michael Jackson blaring on the stereo, peeks his head out, slightly sweaty) Si?
Chris: What were you doing in there?
Jason: Dancin'.
Chris: (after a pause) I'm leaving. (walks off)
Jason: Well it's not like you were invited! (closes door, locks it)
Chris: (coming into the room completely wasted at 5:00 am) Hey! Jimmy!
Jason: Jimmy's asleep, Chris, like I just was.
Chris: No, man, Jimmy! You gotta come say stuff to me while I look at websites.
Jason: Chris, get the fuck out of our room!
Chris: Jason, shut the fuck up.
Jason: No, Chris...
Chris: You guys... I love you. I'm so happy we're friends. I'm so fucking happy... I fucking love you guys. It's great we're friends. I love you guys.
Jimmy: (half-awake) I love you too Chris.
Chris: Thank you. (looks at Jason expectantly for about thirty seconds) Jason?
Jason: I love you too. Chris.
Chris: All right, I love you guys. (leaves, comes back at 5:30 am)
Jason: (talking to Adam on phone sarcastically, the day Rauleen broke up with him) Well I say good riddance, man... she was a chain around my ankle...
Adam: (sarcastic as well) Hell yeah! You enjoyin' that new freedom, buddy? The freedom to run down the hallway without draggin' that old ball and chain?
Jason: Definitely! She was the noose around my neck! That was also on fire.
Adam: She was the gun in your mouth, man.
Jason: She was the concrete blocks around my feet!
Adam: Yeah, and you know what? It's time to swim to that surface, buddy. Swim as hard as you can.
Jason: Yeah...
Adam: She was the call from the governor that never came, man.
Jason: She was my last meal on death row, and I didn't finish her, so that means they can't kill me.
Adam: (laughing) Um... I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way.
Jason: Yeah man, I ordered broccoli for the last meal, and they gave it to me, and I ate everything but the broccoli. I was like, "I don't even like broccoli."
Adam: And they were like, "Goddammit, you can't do that!"
Jason: And I was like, "I just did."
Adam: And they had to let you go.
Jason: It's how the system works, man.
Jason: (finishing a story) And she said she's disappointed in me, so I'm mad.
Chris: (doing something on his computer) That's ridiculous.
Jason: What?
Chris: I said, "That's ridiculous."
Jason: No, I mean, what's ridiculous? The fact that she's disappointed in me or the fact that I'm mad about it?
Chris: (still looking at computer) Yeah.
Jason: What? What the fuck does that mean?
Chris: I said, "Yeah."
Tyler: All right, we get to smack him now. Somebody smack him.
Steve: (meeting Steve Tiburzi for the first time) So, you're the fake Steve.
Steve: You must be Real Steve. Nice to meet you. (they shake hands)
Steve: (turns to Steve's friend, extends his hand) Hi, how are you? I'm the real Steve.
Friend: Nice to meet you.
Steve: (after an awkward pause) Yeah... well I guess we'll fight to the death later; I'm kinda tired right now. I'll leave you to whatever it is you're doing.
Steve: (laughing) Yeah, sure.
Chris: You drinkin' tonight, Chad?
Chad: No, I got some homework to do, and there's a keg race tomorrow I have to be prepped for.
Russell: The reason I called you the other day was to ask about a game purchase. I was standing in a store, trying to decide whether to get Resident Evil 4 or God of War, but you didn't answer, so I got both.
Chris: (drunk, sings a bit of a Rage song) Name that song.
Tyler: "Killing in the Name" by Rage Against the Machine.
Chris: What album was it from?
Tyler: Uh...
Chris: (gloatingly) What year did the album come out? What track was it on that album? Who was the guest artist on that album?
Tyler: (exasperated) Somebody stop him, please...
Steve: Jimmy, get up or I'm gonna give you a wedgie.
Jimmy: (drunk, high) No, don't do it; it's gonna make me throw up.
Steve: How would a wedgie make you throw up?
Jimmy: It's science. (passes out)
Nick: "Help fight hunger!" I wonder if anyone could take that the wrong way, and next time it gets close to lunch or something, they shoot themselves in the stomach, to "fight" hunger. (pretends like he's dying from a stomach wound) I'm not... I'm not hungry anymore.
Jason: Come on Rauleen, do you always think with your clitoris?
Jason: Hmm, this burn wouldn't be so bad if it would make up its goddamn mind about how much it hurts. I swear it stopped hurting for about ten minutes and now it's back to about when I got it.
Jimmy: What are you supposed to put on burns?
Jason: I ran it under cold water...
Rauleen: Toothpaste.
Jimmy: Toothpicks? I have toothpicks.
Rauleen: Toothpaste.
Jason: Yes, stab your burns with toothpicks for immediate relief.
Jason: (knocks on Chris' door)
Chris: (drunk, opens the door slightly, whispering) Come in here, man, quick.
Jason: (steps inside) What the fuck is that?!
Chris: (still whispering) Keep your voice down! We stole a street sign.
Jason: Yeah, I can see that. Why?
Chris: Because it was loose in the ground.
Jason: You guys... what the fuck...
(10 minutes later)
Jason: (walking down hallway) So did you guys unscrew the sign from the pole?
Chris: Yeah, then we threw the pole out of your window.
Jason: Uh... what?
Chris: It was fucking awesome.
Jimmy: (drunk, wrestling a street sign from the ground in front of Liz's house)
Some Girl: (comes out from Liz's house) What are you guys doing?!
Jimmy: (holding the sign out of the ground with soil still on the bottom) Uh... looking for Liz?
Some Girl: Oh, well she's passed out right now, so you need to be quiet.
Jimmy: (not moving) Okay.
Some Girl: (after a pause) Did you just take that out of the ground?
Jimmy: Maybree. (pauses) Do you want us to put it back?
Some Girl: No, I don't care, just as long as you don't do anything to the house.
Jason: Hey Nick, want a slice of pizza? I've got an extra sliiiiiiice... (shows him the box)
Nick: No thanks, Rauleen already gave me one of her slices...
Jason: (crestfallen) Oh... okay... (lets the door close slowly) I wanted to be nice to Nick...
Rauleen: Ow, I need to breathe. I ate too much pizza.
Jason: (pauses his music to chase after Rauleen) Shit, I think she might be mad at me. Hold on. (leaves room)
Chris: (raising his fist) Dammit, relationship issues should never get in the way of Dragonforce.
Jason: So yeah, she expected us to guess the song from that.
Rauleen: Russell got it eventually!
Russell: No, Jason did.
Rauleen: I thought it was Nick.
Chris: I got my fingers caught in the space between the door of Nick's car and the hinges. They were black and blue earlier, but I'm Wolverine so they're fine now.
[Chris often jokes about his body's healing capabilities, which I have to admit are pretty amazing.]
Jason: (sick in bed) Jimmy, if I don't make it, I want you to promise me something...
Jimmy: What's that?
Jason: I want you to kill Rauleen. I'm not going down alone.
Jason: Boo. Weak joke, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Jason has an English sense of humor. (in a mocking voice) "Is it than or then? Mah mah mah mah mah."
Rauleen: (walking from the car to the dorm) Can we run? It's freezing. Let's run.
Jason: No! You're just gonna leave poor Brian here to walk by himself with the Taco Bell while the rest of us run? You're so selfish.
Rauleen: I'm cold. Let's run.
Jason: You're wussy.
Mason: (takes down his parka hood and makes a VHOOSH sound like an electronic sliding door)
Mason: (wearing a massive parka) Man, this coat is friggin' amazing. Look at it. Everyone look at it. I haven't had the chance to wear it yet. Just... look at it. (hugs himself for a few moments) I could live in here and never leave.
Jason: Tyler, since Chris is gone for the weekend, you need to grab your pillow and blanket and sleep in here.
Jimmy: Yeah man.
Rauleen: Sleepover!
Tyler: No thanks guys.
Rauleen: Sleepover, sleepover!
Jason: Yeah, Tyler, sleepover.
Jimmy: We should get everyone in here sometime next week and have a slumber party.
Jason: Yeah, Chris and Nick could share a bed no problem if we threw a biology book up there with 'em.
Tyler: (coming into the room) Hey, is Left-Eye in here?
Jason: No, why?
Tyler: Thought I heard his voice...
Jimmy: No, everyone in here has two normal eyes.
Jason: (listening to the Rent soundtrack)
Jimmy: (trying to get something to drink out of the fridge as fast as he can so he can leave)
Jason: Are you singing along down there, Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yeah, so you're getting that sex change operation soon?
Jason: Hey, Left-Eye said he's seen every musical ever.
Jimmy: Yeah, well, he's a music major. You're an English major.
Jason: There's some English in these songs!
Jimmy: Bah. (leaves room)
Chris: (drunk, watching a show about a drummer) I wish I was in a band...
Steve: Chris, you are in a band.
Chris: I know; I'm in a couple bands.
Tyler: No you're not; you're in one.
Chris: (sad) I know...
Chris: I've got the best plan for getting laid at this party tonight. I'm gonna walk into the middle of a bunch of drunk girls and yell (slurring like he was drunk), "Hey everybody, my buddy Steve bet me a thousand dollars I couldn't get laid tonight! Who wants to help me win a wager? I'll send you all checks."
Chris: Our genetics teacher always shares too much with us. She came into class the other day and said, "Sorry I'm late; my son has had diarrhea every 30 minutes for the past 2 weeks." I was like, "If it's really that bad, why don't you just cancel class and go get your son's ass fixed?"
Chris: Ahm a craaaaaaaaaaazy cockface... the only reason ahm a bio major is 'cause Jason's better than me at everything else... even strumming the gee-tar. Maynard!
Jimmy: My God... Jason's penis is thicker than my arm and super long and stuff!
Jason: (raising an eyebrow) Way.
[This quote may be fabricated.]
Jason: So how often do you drink during the day these days, Chad?
Chad: Hardly ever... well, during Rush Week I drank. A lot. I drank by myself mostly and played Boom Boom Volleyball. You know that Flash game where you try to get the girls to take their tops off? It's very fun. But it's necessary to drink during Rush Week because it's impossible to talk to rushees sober. It's just... so much easier to make small talk when you're wasted.
Chad: So I went to the regional Sig Tau event and everyone there was such a rod... I couldn't believe it. They were such tools. I was eating lunch one day at this table with this big guy with a big beard and bug-eyes and I was peeling an orange, and he looks at me and goes, "Hey, if you had two more of those, I could juggle 'em." Then after a pause he was like, "I'm... not very good at making conversation." And I gave him this look and said, "No... you're not."
Jason: So why are you going to St. Louis?
Chris: Steve's frat is throwing a giant party and it's girls drink free, meaning there will be a lot of sorority girls drinking way too much.
Jimmy: (in a deep voice) And that's where Chris comes in...
Adam: I woke up one morning recently next to this girl I've been hanging out with and she started laughing at me until I asked her what was so funny. She said, "I'm just laughing at something you said last night." And I said, "Oh, I said something funny last night?" And she said, "You told me you loved holding me." And I responded, "Well that's not such a weird to thing to say," and she said, "But you told me you loved holding me more than holding a silk bag full of puppies," and I was like, "Oh..." Then she said, "Yeah, you told me not to quote you on that," and I was like, "Well thanks for listening."
Rauleen: What is Teflon, anyway?
Tyler: It's that stuff they put on pans to make them non-stick.
Jimmy: It's pronounced, "Cancer."
Jason: (laughing quietly in a biology lecture about ducks using oil glands near their anuses to waterproof themselves)
Tyler: (whispering to him) What?
Jason: I'm... immature.
Jason: (sticking his head into the kitchenette) Hey Spencer, I saw the buff version of you at dinner tonight.
Spencer: Really?
Jason: Yeah, he was like you... only muscular. So I guess the main difference would be that women actually like him. (retreats)
Spencer: (laughing) Wha-?
Jason: (sticking his head back in after a moment) Um... I guess the severity of that diss is reduced slightly by the fact that as I say it, you're sitting next to your girlfriend.
Spencer: Yeah...
Chris: (drunk) Who wants to go to the lounge with me?
Jason: No. Every time you go to the lounge when you're drunk, you color something.
Chris: (glaring) I resent that.
Rauleen: Emily asked me to get some Johnathan Apples for her at Wal-Mart.
Nick: (overly enthusiastic) Johnathan Apples?! I love Johnathan Apples! (sings to the tune of "Do You Believe in Magic?") Johnathan Apples... do you believe in applesauce?
Jason: Hey, what does ASU stand for? Arizona Supreme University?
Chris: (laughs) State.
Jason: Ohhhh... I don't know why I didn't think of State! That's so stupid... (turns back to computer)
Chris: (after a few moments of silence) ...did you really think it stood for Supre-
Jason: No!
Jason: Hey, Vanilla Ice has a new album out. Should I download it?
Jimmy: (obviously bothered) No! Why would you... how can... no! Why would you want to?!
Jason: Because it "has received mixed reviews."
Jimmy: That'd just be a waste of internet.
Jason: Hmm... "Five guy cream pie."
Jimmy: Yeah, I wouldn't download that one.
Jason: Is Emily going out of town tonight?
Rauleen: Yeah, but not tonight. She's leaving tomorrow.
Jimmy: (surprised) Damn, Tyler, you need to vacuum under your desk.
Left-Eye: It's like a ramen graveyard down there!
Here begin the First Semester quotes.
Jason: Jimmy, why are you drinking Amp?
Jimmy: 'Cause I gotta study for finals. I can't fall asleep...
Jason: (incredulous) Well then why did you just go out and get high?
Jimmy: Jason, listen... I had to.
Jason: Jimmy, pot makes you lethargic.
Jimmy: (as though he were talking to a child) Yeah, that's why I drank the Amp. To counterract it.
Jason: But if you wanted to stay up, why'd you get high?!
Jimmy: 'Cause I knew I had Amp to fall back on!
Chris: You gotta go down to the computer lab to use a stats program for the rest of your homework, right?
Jimmy: (sighing) Yeah... man, this stats homework would be so much easier if I wasn't high. (thinks) But... oh well.
Jason: (more super power talk) Flying would be really cool, but would it be all that useful in a dangerous situation? Maybe; but I alway tend to think of things like this in terms of fighting in a bar.
Chris: Everything comes down to barfights.
Jason: Right. I rank a superpower's usefulness based on its ability to help me in a barfight. I mean, you could fly up to the ceiling to try and avoid some punches, but then you'd get knocked around by the ceiling fans. Then someone would go stand by the door and cross their arms and say, "You gotta go through here to leave the bar, buddy," and you'd be fucked.
Chris: (still talking about super powers) But then sometimes people would come up to you and say, "Hey, read my mind." And then I'd concentrate and smash somebody else's face into their face and say, "I just move stuff."
Chris: I'd like to have telekinesis. (thinks) But not telepathy. I don't wanna hear people's thoughts; I just wanna move their shit.
Chris: Time to try out my new glass... ahh, the sweet taste of beer. (pours Sunkist into the glass)
Jason: Shut up, Chris.
Chris: Mm, it has that nice glass flavor...
Jason: God...
Chris: Oh, shit. (points to drops of it on his shirt) Looks like I'm changin' shirts... (pauses) Should've kept it in the goddamn can.
Jason: (eating stroganoff in the cafeteria) God, how hard is it to defrost some beef, mix up some Hamburger Helper in a big vat, and throw it on some plates?! They don't need $40,000/hour chefs!
Left-Eye: Well they could use Hamburger Helper, but it's so much easier for them to just shit on a tray, and pile noodles on top.
Adam: God, all these bones in my foot are making it hard to draw on. I wish I had no bones...
Jimmy: It'd be easy to get the chicks.
Adam: Yeah, I'd go to bars and say, "Hey ladies," and shoot myself in the foot. "See? No bones. It still hurts, though..."
Jimmy: What kind of music does your dad listen to, Rauleen?
Rauleen: I dunno... Ozzy Osborne, and...
Adam: I wouldn't think he'd like Ozzy; I heard he bit the head off a Filipino on-stage once.
Jimmy: See Jason? Aren't you glad we didn't put duct tape on the other window? It's so hot in here and you've got it open, I see.
Jason: Yeah, God bless your marijuana addiction.
[Jimmy made me leave the window closest to his desk alone so he could smoke out of it.]
Adam: God, I hate the sound snow makes when you walk on it.
Tyler: I like it.
Adam: Yeah, it's nice at first, but then after walking on it for half an hour of it, you're like, "Hm, I wish I was dead."
Adam: (pointing a Nerf gun at Nick) Looks like we have a Mexican stand-off...
Nick: (pointing a Nerf gun at Adam) What's the difference between a regular stand-off and a Mexican stand-off?
Adam: (shrugs) Burritos.
Nick: And I did have a burrito tonight... and I recently evacuated it...
Rauleen: What? Ew...
Rauleen: (handing him a paper snowflake) There you go, Adam.
Adam: (hangs it from his open fly)
Jimmy: You should get some mistletoe to hang from your crotch, Adam, and show it to your ladyfriend. Be like, "Hey... mistletoe, baby."
Adam: (sing-song, mocking voice) Bur bur bur bur dur... "Get it, April? A-now suck mah dick."
Chris: Hey, we can make noise in the lounge because it's "courtesy hours" now, not "quiet hours." We don't have to be quiet, but if someone asks us to shut the fuck up... we have to.
Adam: Yeah? Well if anyone asks us to shut the fuck up, I'll tell 'em, "Hey, fuck off," and stick my dick in their face, courteously.
Left-Eye: Ohp, sweet, the Black School of Death. I mean, Blue Screen of Death.
Jason: Did you just say "Black School"?
Left-Eye: Yeah, and I don't. Know. Why.
Nick: (pointing to the paper snowflakes in front of Rauleen) What are you making 'em for?
Rauleen: Just for fun.
Nick: Ah. You're a girl.
Adam: I have a theory that all Japanese punks don't use picks when they play the guitar; they use bricks covered in sandpaper.
Jason: Chris, keep your goddamn voice down.
Chris: (drunk) I'm sorry.
Jason: Pretend to be Sober Chris.
Chris: (in a serious voice) What are you talking about? I am sober. (walks very stiffly) I like byiology.
[No, that's not a typo. That's the point.]
Jason: Chris, punch me in the face as hard as you can.
Chris: (drunk, punches himself in the face)
Jason: I said punch me in the face, Chris.
Chris: Yeah, but you and me're the same person.
Jimmy: (whistling to himself)
Jason: Stop bragging, you damn whistler.
Jimmy: What?
Jason: That's great; your parents loved you enough to teach you how to whistle. Wonderful for you.
Jimmy: I don't think I've ever heard my mom whistle...
Jason: You haven't? You're a freak.
Jimmy: You've heard your mom whistle?
Jason: Yeah, for the dogs to come.
Jimmy: She's never whistled at you?
Jason: No... I guess she didn't think I was hot.
Jimmy: (drunk) Dude, you just gotta pick your fights.
Jason: I know, I know, but-
Jimmy: You gotta know when to- sorry, go ahead. (immediately continues) You gotta know when to fight, and when to apologize.
Jimmy: (drunk, opening a can of soup) Ahh, I love homeless people...
Jason: (does a double take) Jimmy! Is that a can from the donation box?!
Jimmy: Shh, shh... calm down, man...
Jason: No, you took a can from the donation box!
Jimmy: That's what it's there for, dude!
Jason: That's for charity!
Jimmy: Charity to me.
Nick: (in the car, heading out for Thanksgiving Break) Well, only hours away from home... (veers car towards people in parking lot) and seconds away from killing...
Chris: (after talking about how Liz is drunk/crazy) Someone should call up Liz and say, "Hey, Chris punched the paper towel dispenser in our bathroom and cut up his hand and there's blood all over our room and it's badass." And Liz would say, "Ah, I'm horny."
Jason: Left-Eye, come look at this picture.
Left-Eye: Ah, what the hell is that?!
Jason: Autofellatio.
Left-Eye: Oh, that's... gross...
Jason: Yeah, it is awesome.
Jason: (eating hot fries) Ow, fuck!
Jimmy: Sharp fries?
Jason: (laughing) Uh, sure...
Jimmy: (after everyone laughs for a few moments) All right, I'm done for the night on jokes.
Tyler: Nick's car ain't too bad in the winter. His heater's pretty good.
Nick: (proudly) Yeah, it works pretty well.
Jason: Except it smells like dogshit...
Nick: (points to air freshener) Cinnamon dogshit now, thank you so much.
Rauleen: This needs some soy sauce. (gets up to find some)
Jason: Oh, hey, while you're up, could you get me some Flirt With Other Guys sauce? I know you know where it is...
Rauleen: What?! I wasn't flirting with him! I was just talking to him!
Jason: Yeah, well, I need some, so go.
Rauleen: (flicks him off and walks away)
Chris: Why would you ever throw up on someone for pornography?
Jason: Because it's hot.
Jimmy: Well, it's warm.
Nick: (trips over a DVD player cord, unplugging it in the middle of a movie)
Jason: (disappointed) Nick...
Nick: I would've never made it in Vietnam. "Oh look, another minefield!"
Nick: (rushing to mark all the bubbles in the middle column of a survey so he can get free candy for it) Yes, I'm feeling very Slightly Satisfied.
Jason: (standing up) I know you have to pee, Jimmy...
Jimmy: (not looking up) That's not true.
Jason: I know, because you and I? We're connected at the bladder.
Jimmy: (still not looking up) That's also not true.
Jason: Well someone's gonna be enticed to piss with me, and it's not gonna be me! (leaves room)
Rauleen: (angry) I just don't like it when you criticize me or the organizations I'm a part of.
Jason: (trying to hide laughter)
Rauleen: It makes me feel bad, and if I want to do something, I don't want to hear your mean comments- (noticing his laughter) What?!
Jason: Nothing, nothing. Keep going.
Rauleen: (furious) No, why are you laughing at me?!
Jason: I'm not laughing at you... I just...
Rauleen: What?!
Jason: You're so cute right now. I'm sorry; honestly, it's not that I'm not taking you seriously. I just can't help it... you look adorable right now. (picks up laughing again)
Rauleen: (smiles grudgingly) God... I'm trying to have an argument with you! (starts laughing) You're so freaking weird... only you would mess up having a fight like this...
Jason: (screaming, after Brian scores two goals in quick succession) Yeah! Brian is the most metal!
Chris: (from behind Jason) And the most Asian!
[Brian is from Korea.]
Chris: (to Jason, at a soccer game that their team was winning) Oh, is Left-Eye in the players' box now?
Jason: Yeah, he's right there.
Chris: Ha ha, I thought it was funny that his voice got so much louder. I was like, "No one in here even knows who we are!"
Jason: (dramatically) Now they do...
Jason: (registering for classes) Ohp, I could take Foundations of Computer Science... no, fuck that.
Chris: Why?
Jason: I was reading the class description and got to "algorithmic" and the vomit started rising.
Spencer: (drunk, referring to a Photoshopped picture) Dude, his cock is huge! Chris' cock is huge!
Chris: (drunk, grinning) Hey... who's countin' inches here? I'm not.
Chris: (drunk, hugging Vodka bottle) How I love thee... (notices Jason looking at him) I'm not even that drunk, I swear.
Chris: Look. (shows Jason and Tyler a guitar catalogue) There's a guitar pedal called "The Big Muff."
Jason: "The Big Muff"?! That's awesome! (studies catalogue) Wait, why does it have a "pi" symbol on it?
Chris: That's the current series: "The Big Muff Pi."
Jason: The Big Muff Pie?! (breaks down laughing)
Jimmy: Fuck girls... we don't need girls 'cause we've got porn and beer and... (looks around room) A Clockwork Orange... and Platoon...
Jason: (in a charismatic voice, holding up an AOL CD he was just sent in the mail) New AOL with Spyware Blocker! Blocks all spyware except AOL's! But don't worry, our spyware is spy-free, with 20% less wares!
Jimmy: (flushes toilet while in stall)
Chris: (in bathroom) Damn, Jimmy, that was fast!
Jimmy: (from inside stall) Nah, it was just a courtesy flush.
Tyler: (also in bathroom, for some reason) What's a courtesy flush?
Jimmy: It's when you flush while in mid-crap so that the stank doesn't resonate so much.
Tyler: Oh. (pauses) But doesn't that splash your ass cheeks a little?
Jimmy: No, I kinda throw in this "halfway standing up" motion when I do it.
Chris: Well that takes out half the fun, then.
Spencer: (drunk) Dude, I love just bein' drunk and hangin' out. It's the best thing ever. I also love bein' drunk and wearin' my "I Support Healthy Breasts" t-shirt... 'cause, come on... (looks Jason straight in the eye) who doesn't?
Jason: (takes a sip of Sunny Delight)
Rauleen: Don't drink after me! I'm sick!
Jason: (pauses, then picks up bottle again) Oh yeah? How about this? (licks messily around rim of bottle)
Rauleen: (sighs, shakes head)
Left-Eye: (still playing with the goddamn slime) Ugh, it's like child over-easy now. Look, it keeps dripping.
Left-Eye: (later, still playing with the red slime, singing) I have a child... in my hands...
Left-Eye: (playing with the red slime) Look, it's an aborted fetus.
Rauleen: (later on, referring to the slime again) If you take it out and play with it, it gets harder.
Tyler: Oh really...
Rauleen: Wha- no! Ah! (stumbles around room, clasping her head in her hands)
Rauleen: (to Tyler) Take it out and play with it.
Tyler: No I will not!
Jason, Left-Eye, and Jimmy: (burst out laughing)
Rauleen: What?
Tyler: (holding crotch) I will not take it out and play with it!
Rauleen: Ah- I meant the slime! The slime! Take it out of the bag! (loses ground to hysterical laughing) You guys are so gross! (leaves room)
Jason: Look how many quotes we have so far. (scrolls down)
Tyler: Ohhh... are we gonna surpass the quantity of last semester?
Jason: Maybe... but with so little Chad this time around...
Jimmy: That's fuckin' Chad's fault... fuck him... he only comes around when he's drunk and wants some 5 South ass.
Chris: It feels like I just woke up, turned over and saw Tyler, and went back to sleep. But I guess that was like an hour ago. I can't find him.
Jimmy: Here's the thing, Chris... I have a theory that Tyler gets smaller every time I see him. Maybe he just disappeared.
Mason: (before a soccer game) We can do this.
Spencer: We've got this, guys.
Jason: Just have fun, everyone.
Chris: Hey, guys. Remember... it's about the metal.
Jason: Right. Everyone, put your metals in. (extends his hand for a team cheer)
[For those of you that don't know, our team name is We're Metal?.]
Jason: (sitting down to eat) Fuck you, Chris.
Chris: What?
Jason: Fuck you for your, "I'll talk to the people leaving the table so Rauleen and Jason have to keep standing and wait longer to sit down."
Tyler: He just wanted to have a conversation. What's wrong with that?
Jason: Nothing, unless he does it with the express intent to slow me down. In that case, fuck him.
Tyler: He wasn't doing that!
Jason: (matter-of-factly, condescendingly) You don't know what Chris is thinking, Tyler...
Chris: Jason's right, Tyler.
Jason: Boo-yah.
Chris: I was thinking about potatoes. And lettuce. And other vegetables.
Jason: See, stupid?
Tyler: Whatever.
Left-Eye: (to Tyler) I just think that "Chris wants to jack off" quote is hilarious. But you know one day, you're gonna be sleeping, and you'll hear a noise, and you'll turn and see Chris beating it at the computer.
Nick: And you'll look over his shoulder and see he's doing it to a guitar solo.
Chris: I think I just need to work on aiming the ball when I drive.
Tyler: (with a bitter smile) I think I just need to work on not missing the ball when I drive.
Jason: (after soccer practice, groaning) Oh, man... I've got a great big log of Team Spirit to drop off in the bathroom when we get back.
Chris: (playing indoor soccer) Jason, don't try to score from midfield.
Jason: (indignant) Well I was trying to pass to Brian, but obviously it curved a bit, dick.
Jason: (excited) Ohhhhh... am I about to be Jimmyless?
Jimmy: (getting ready to go to class) Yeah...
Jason: Sweet. No headphones.
Jason: (reading a web site) Awesome. This is what we're getting at the house next year.
Jimmy: (walks over) "Broadband penetration"? (starts giggling)
Nick: (knocks over Left-Eye's unopen Code Red) Oops.
Left-Eye: Goddammit, you knocked over the Cherry Mountain Dew! (pauses briefly) You have a beer bottle in your hands. (indicates to Tyler while talking) I should take that beer bottle, hit him over the head with it, and stab you with the remains!
Jason: God, the insole of my shoe is fucking up again!
Left-Eye: Well you know, if you didn't have feet, this wouldn't be a problem.
Chris: Hey, was this Animal Crackers bag open or closed?
Left-Eye: Um... I dunno. Maybe open.
Chris: All this time? Why the fuck aren't they stale?
Left-Eye: Because they're frosted. Annnnnnnd... magical.
Jason: (referring to Rauleen's lack of a seatbelt) Hey baby, you can strap yourself into our love if you need a seatbelt.
Raulen: (laughing) You're so stupid.
Tyler: (laying his head on Jimmy's shoulder) Hey Jimmy, you can strap yourself into our love if you-
Jimmy: (frantically trying to shrug him off) Fuck you man; you have your own seatbelt. You can strap yourself in!
Chris: Hey, have you ever had a wet dream before?
Jason: I don't think so.
Chris: I've had wet dreams before, two of 'em, but they were both at other people's houses. Is that weird?
Jason: (in a wary voice) Yeah... that's pretty fucked up.
Jason: Hey, what's Tyler doing?
Chris: (angry) Fuckin' sleeping again. He's always fuckin' sleeping. God... I wish he would leave the room so I could beat off.
Jason: Oh, that's Jimmy's sister? I can see it. She has really similar eyes.
Chris: (totally serious) Yeah, I thought they looked alike, around the face.
Angie: (talking to Nick over the phone) How come there are so many quotes about you on the page that involve you going "Buhhhhhhhhh"? I never hear you say "buhhhhhhhhh."
Nick: (sighs) Because apparently that's what I sound like to people.
Jason: Hey, is your roommate going out of town again this weekend?
Rauleen: No, she's staying for that International Club dinner.
Jason: (closes his eyes) I hate Emily right now, so much... it makes me extend my wrath to all things that start with "E-M."
Left-Eye: Like emergency?
Jason: And empathy, yes.
Jason: (smelling the air) Who farted?
Nick: (raises his hand slowly)
Jason: God, do you just like, always come into our room when you have to fart?
Nick: No, I just always have to fart.
Jason: (talking about food they'd buy if they lived in a house together next year) Do you guys like St. Louis-style pizza? We can get some of that stuff cheap.
Chris: Dude, I'll eat fuckin' Ghana-style pizza, if that's what it takes.
Jason: (noticing a look of concentration on Rauleen's face) What?
Rauleen: Hmm... I think I need to pee...
Jason: (after waiting for her to explain) Okay... what the-
Rauleen: I just think... maybe I do need to... I don't know... but I... I don't wanna pretend... okay, I'm going to the bathroom.
Rauleen: My stomach hurts. (pauses) Or my vagina. I don't know if I'm PMS-ing.
Jason: Ow, shit. For a second there, both my legs suddenly hated my right testicle.
Jimmy: (kicking the soccer ball in the Quad) Aw, Chris, you should've headed that one!
Chris: Hey...
Jason: You should've headed it volleyball-spike-style, straight into the ground. (mimes the hit, yells in a deep voice) "Buh! That ball's flight was canceled!"
Adam: So I was watching Starship Troopers the other day and I started thinking, "Hey, it's the future. How come there aren't more things with SPACE in the title?" I mean, if I was in the future, I'd be puttin' SPACE in front of everything! I'd be like, "See ya SPACEMom, see ya SPACEDad, I'm goin' to the SPACEmall." "No you're not, SPACEson. You're SPACEgrounded. If you go out, we're taking away the SPACEcar." "What? Screw you, you aren't even my real SPACEDad! I wish I was never SPACEborn! I'm going to join the SPACEarmy!"
Tyler: (sitting at table) I will freaking kill you.
Left-Eye: (walking into cafeteria) I will rip off your face and use it for a fat woman's tampon!
Chris: (drunk and lying facedown on floor, farts loudly)
Jimmy: (drunk, in disbelief) Did Chris just fart?! Chris... did you just fart?
Chris: No...
Jimmy: Chris, did you just fart?
Chris: No...
Jimmy: Chris, answer me seriously. Did. You. Just. Fart?
Chris: No...
Jason: He farted, all right?!
Chris: (his face still on the ground) Jason's a goddamn liar.
Jimmy: Get out of our room, Chris.
Chris: Hey, do you want me to be sick?
Jimmy: Aw, it smells so bad! (proceeds to Febreeze the air)
Chris: (laughing stupidly) Spray it on my ass.
Jimmy: (sprays it all over him)
Chris: Okay, okay, stop. That's enough. My arm is now wet and saturated.
Tyler: (kicks a soccer ball at Chris, almost hitting him in the crotch)
Chris: (drunk) Man, it's a good thing I don't have a big dick or else that would've hurt! (heads over to door, opens it to leave)
Tyler: Chris, how come every time you get drunk you talk about having a small penis?
Chris: (turns around in door and points) Hey! My penis is insanely average!
Tyler: (referring to a girl on Facebook) She's a freshman.
Jason: Oh, nevermind then. I thought she was this girl from my linguistics class.
Chris: (drunk) Why don't you shut the hell up?
Jason: Why don't you shut the fuck up?
Chris: (sad) I'm sorry...
Elderly Anchorman on TV: (in a slightly Southern accent) Well I haven't played this "Sudoku" myself but you can find out more about this recent craze-
Jason: (imitating his accent) "...on the Jap section of our website, jap.cnn.com."
Jason: (walking to class) Man, I asked Nick to convince me not to skip class today and he just said, "Buhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I'm Nick," for like five minutes. A bit later I asked Rauleen for one good reason why I shouldn't skip this class and she said, "Because you shouldn't," so here I am, walking to class.
Tyler: (laughs) I guess that's a pretty good reason.
Rauleen: She's bulimic?
Jason: I guess. No wonder she's so pretty.
Rauleen: (lowers her head sadly)
Jason: Baby, of course I'm just kidding...
Rauleen: (remains still for a moment, then slowly puts her finger in her mouth and pretends to gag)
Jimmy: Hey Jason, do you keep anything in your bottom drawers?
Jason: Yeah... why?
Jimmy: Well I dunno... I think it'd be kind of annoying if you needed to get anything out of them, since there's so much-
Jason: God, shut up! I'm gonna clean [my side of the room] soon. It'll get done!
Chris: (drunk) That girl Mary, the one who likes to visit graveyards, said Beard told her that he and Chad had too many differences, and that's why they never talked. And I was like, "You're damn right they've got differences! He's got a fuckin' beard!"
Jason: Hey, we saw your lady friend April on the elevator the other day. Does she have Down Syndrome?
Adam: (shooting him the guns) Yeah, she's got Goin' Down Syndrome!
Chad: So it's homecoming now, and that means that a bunch of Sig Tau alumnis come visit the house and break stuff.
Chad: In my frat house, there are these flies... they're immune to everything; they're mutant flies. I was using this bleach spray on some laundry and I sprayed it all over this one fly. He just gave me this weird look and flew off.
Chris: (drunk) Hey, does jacking off make your penis smaller?
Jason: Um... I don't think so...
Chris: A doctor says it doesn't, and that's great news for me.
Chris: (drunk) Hey! No quotes!
Jason: (updating the quotes page) I'm doin' Chad quotes.
Chris: (falling for the lie) Oh, okay. Which one are you doin'?
Jason: You'll see.
Chris: I'm seein' nothing. I'm drunk.
Chris: (drunk) Hey, Wal-Mart's hiring seasonal workers now, which is awesome. I need to go up there when I'm not drunk and get an interview.
Jimmy: (drunk as well) No, you should go up there now.
Chris: I'd be like, (winds up, points dramatically into the distance) "Wal-Mart!" And they'll say, "This is... this guy should work for Microsoft!"
Jason: (playing poker online) Man, if another Ace comes out, I'm gonna shit Tyler's pants.
Jimmy: (coming into room) I never understand what Nick's talking about.
Jason: What do you mean?
Jimmy: He's always like, "Buh, uh..." and I have no idea what he's talking about.
Jason: Well what did he say?
Jimmy: He's like, "And there's the coroner, puking his guts up to save a couple of pennies," and we're talking about the Cardinals.
Jimmy: So did you get the job?
Chris: Well I spoke with the District Manager.
Jimmy: Sweet, did you flirt with her?
Chris: It was a guy. And he was Asian, so yes.
Jason: Why are you combing the goatee before you go to bed?
Jimmy: I dunno. I comb everything before I go to be-... well, not everything.
Chris: Tyler hates milk 'cause he's gay. And milk comes from females.
Tyler: (referring to Ninja Gaiden Black) What time period does this game take place in? Modern?
Jason: Um... the near future, I think.
Tyler: Oh.
Jason: Yeah, they didn't have a lot of laser robots in feudal Japan.
Chris: If bats could talk, what kind of accent do you think they'd have?
Jason: Um... I don't know, Chris.
Chris: I think it'd be funny if they had Mexican accents.
Jason: (sarcastic) Everything's funnier with a Mexican accent.
Chris: (laughing) I know!
Jason: (drunk) Chris, you good? You good to go? You good to be?
Chris: (also drunk) I'm good, man.
Jason: Sweet. Give me a high five. (high fives Chris, holds on) Awesome. It's done. It's locked, and I believe it's also loaded. It's complete.
Tyler: (to Chris) Come on, let's go watch Lost.
Jason: No way! He's hanging out with me now!
Tyler: Nuh-uh!
Jason: Yeah, I got him for the rest of the night.
Tyler: Pfft. (stops halfway through the door, turns, and points his finger at Jason) When you go to sleep, I'm all over him. (leaves)
Jason: (putting on hoodie) All right Jimmy... I'm off to fix a fight.
Jimmy: Oh, you and Rauleen are fighting? What about?
Jason: (exhales loudly) Stupid stuff...
Jimmy: Oh, all right.
Jason: So... I'm gonna leave my masculinity here, because I won't be needing it. Guard it well.
Jimmy: (laughing) Good luck.
Jimmy: (drunk) Hey Chris, wake me up for breakfast tomorrow. I want some breakfast food.
Chris: Okay, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Biscuits and gravy. Brett Favre loves biscuits and gravy!
Chris: What?
Jimmy: Keith Jackson, man!
Jimmy: (trying to clean his fan) See? It has this stupid kind of screw in it so I can't take it apart.
Chris: Just use the dust spray.
Jimmy: I can't; Jason's out.
Chris: (to Jason) It's all gone?
Jason: Well maybe if somebody hadn't used it on their door for 30 seconds...
Chris: You used it on my door for 30 seconds!
Jason: (ignores him)
Jason: (watching a shopping cart being blown towards him and Jimmy by a strong wind) Shit!
Jimmy: It's got a mind of it's own!
Jason: Got it covered! (kicks shopping cart away dramatically)
Jimmy: Woah. For a second there, my life flashed before your eyes.
Jason: This Adidas body spray smells like their cologne!
Nick: Yeah, I know, that's why I get their deodorant. People think I wear cologne.
Jason: (strikes cool pose) And then I'm like, "No..." (holds up imaginary stick of deodorant) "I just use Adidas."
Nick: Yeah. (holds up arms, speaks in cool voice) "See?" And then they're like, "Wow, you have huge pitstains."
Jason: (in Rauleen's bed) Come cuddle with me.
Rauleen: (folding clothes on the floor) No, let me finish this.
Jason: (whining) But I miss you...
Rauleen: (mockingly) That's just a stupid psychological thing.
Jason: (muttering) Yeah, so is my love for you.
Rauleen: What?
Jason: I said I love you.
Random Guy: (standing in line for the metal show) I'm not gonna buy a Gamecube. I'm too metal to buy a Gamecube.
Jason & Chris: (look at each other) Awesome.
Chris: (watching Jimmy play Mario 3) Why don't you ever save your game?
Jimmy: I dunno.
Jason: (turning to look) Jimmy, do you start a new game every time you play?!
Jimmy: Yeah, pretty much.
Jason: (bewildered) Why don't you just save?
Jimmy: ...why is the grass green?
Jason: (turning back) Shut the fuck up!
Jimmy: (triumphantly) Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
Rauleen: Hey, India Cafe.
Jason: Yeah, you guys want some Indian food? (thinks) If we only had some colored beads, we could buy their fucking restaurant.
Jason: Wow those girls are drunk.
Rauleen: Already?!
Tyler: It's only 4:30!
Jason: Hey, we can't make fun of people like that, because we know Chad and Jimmy.
Jimmy: Hey Chad, what's your feeling about black people?
Chad: They're all beautiful.
Jimmy: What about New Orleans? Why do you think it got hit by the hurricane?
Chad: I don't...
Jimmy: Do you think maybe it's because there's so many blacks there? That's what some guy on TV said.
Chad: No, I...
Jimmy: What about all the looting there? Why do you think that's going on?
Chad: Well that's obvious.
Jimmy: Chris, what do you think about black people?
Chris: George Bush doesn't care about black people.
Jimmy: Well that's a given.
Chad: (drunk, leaving a voicemail on Jimmy's phone) Jimmy... I don't have enough time to tell you in detail why I hate you, but... (stares into distance for a bit) but listen... you're Italian, and you're a douchebag. Have you been to MO Hall lately? The pizza there is subpar and it's your fault. Talk to your people. Fix it. Whatever it takes.
Chris: (laughing) You're going as a hamburger for Halloween?
Chad: Yeah, I'm gonna do a beer bong in a hamburger costume and take a picture of it and put it up on Facebook. You ever seen a hamburger bong a beer?
Chris: (firmly) I don't think so.
Jason: (referring to a friendship bracelet Chris had just made) Is it supposed to be so bumpy?
Chris: (angry) Yes.
Jason: I thought it was supposed to be smooth and... good. "It's crappy, like our friendship."
Chris: Yeah, friends suck.
Jason: Hey. Wanna add a little "special sauce" to the cookies? (makes masturbatory motions)
Rauleen: (mixing cookie dough) Sure, baby.
Jason: Sweet. We're gonna make everyone eat our love.
Jason: I'm almost a little envious of Nick, because I think living with someone from a foreign country would be cool. I'd learn a little Italian.
Chris: Yeah, I know what you mean. I would too. (walks out of room)
Jason: (loudly) No you wouldn't, you fuckin' liar.
Jimmy: (takes off his headphones) What?
Jason: Chris said he'd learn some Italian. He's full of shit.
Jimmy: (goes back to studying, mutters under his breath) Motherfucker...
Chris: I'll watch you play some Burnout, but I have to go to the radio in 35 minutes.
Jason: Chris, that's pussytalk.
Nick: (laughing) When you said "pussytalk" it made me think of an actual talking pussy. (mimes with hand) "Hello, I'm a vagina! Blah blah blah blah."
Jason: (sighs) Get out of my room, Nick.
Nick: (leaving) Think about it...
Jason: (points out the door) No!
Jason: (yelling out car window at idiots fighting with duct tape swords) Hey guys, be careful! You could put a social life out with one of those!
Jimmy: (at dinner) The chicken wings are pretty good.
Jason: Buffalo wings.
Nick: I thought Buffalo were extinct.
Jimmy: Nah, that's tigers.
Jason: Man, it would suck if tigers went extinct.
Nick: Yeah, they'd have to change so many sports teams' names.
Chris: I don't think so. They still have the Indians.
Nick: God, I don't want to go to choir right now...
Jason: I know what you mean. I don't want to go to my creative writing class right now either. Oh wait... yes I do. Very much so.
Nick: (groans)
Chad: (over the phone) So, I'm just gonna throw this out there... we're doin' a thing right now at the house, but later we're gonna go to the Big Four, and I wanted to know if you wanna come.
Chris: No, man... I've got a test tomorrow.
Chad: You know what? Jesus had a test tomorrow, and what did he do? He was fuckin' crucified for you.
Chris: Yeah, well I guess that's true, but I still can't go out.
Chad: All right, well ask Tyler n' Jimmy n' Jason for me. Tell 'em the Jesus thing. I'm drunk.
Jason: Hey, have you been to Pancake City yet?
Adam: Yeah, well I would've gone with my other group of friends, but they were too busy being imaginary.
Jason: (in cafeteria) Hey Chad, Chad, come here for a second.
Chad: (walks over) Yeah?
Jason: Hey, I found this bag of silver coins on the floor the other day... is it yours?
Chad: What?
Jason: It was a bag of silver coins... had a cross on it with an "X" going through it...
Chad: Wha... (thinks about it for a moment) Oh, fuck you.
Jason: Hey, what were you just doing?
Nick: Talking to Jimmy in the stairwell. He's going to the library.
Jason: Oh, sweet... it's jacktime.
Nick: (disgusted) God...
Jimmy: (talking on phone) Well maybe you shouldn't spend your money on things like that and save it instead. (listens) Like... alcohol. And... more alcohol. (listens) Yeah, you gotta have your priorities.
Chris: When they wrote their music, the guys in Led Zeppelin were pretty high on drugs.
Jason: That's why Jimmy likes 'em.
Chris: (looks at Jimmy, waits, looks back at Jason) Did he respond to you?
Jason: (sighs) No, when it comes to insults, Jimmy's half-deaf and half-apathetic.
Jimmy: (looks over) What're we talkin' about?
Holy crap, a special section already?! Yes, being that Jimmy is the new Chad (and Chad is the new Judas), it was only a matter of time before he got his shit smashed the fuck up and said a bunch of embarrassing things that I rushed to record the following morning. One of the main reasons he gets his own section for that night, besides just volume of hilarious quotes, is because he has now earned the glorious honor of contributing to the page the longest quote we've ever had. I decided to name this section after another quote from Jimmy on that awesome night. We're callin' this one, "I'm Not Awesome; I'm Fuckin' Hammered!"
Jimmy: (super drunk) You know what? I'm never going to find Chris, and fuck Tyler.
Jason: You don't like Tyler?
Jimmy: No, Tyler's a good guy. He's cool.
Jason: Well I think he sucks.
Jimmy: He blows cock! Fuck Tyler!
Tyler: Why was there a fire truck outside of BNB?
Jimmy: (still super drunk) Dude, someone ODed in BNB but it wasn't me so it's all cool.
Jimmy: (incredibly drunk) Yeah, all right. Okay. Later. (hangs up phone) Yeah, that's not fuckin' happenin'.
Jason: What's not happenin'?
Jimmy: That was Liz. She and Lindsey are drunk out of their fuckin' minds and they want me to bring over my bottle of rum.
Jason: But didn't you tell them "okay"?
Jimmy: Yeah... (pauses) but that's not fuckin' happenin'.
Jimmy: (asleep and incredibly drunk, cell phone rings at his side) What's up man? (phone continues to ring, after five or six more times he answers it) What's up man? (hangs up immediately)
Jason: (dying of laughter)
Jimmy: (phone rings again, he waits five or six rings to answer it) What's up man? (pauses) What's up man?! (pauses, then hangs up)
Jimmy: ("fuckin' hammered") Yeah, Chad's a good guy. I like Chad. But man... he's a bad dude.
Jason: You don't like Chad?
Jimmy: No, he's a good guy!
Jason: But you said he was a bad dude.
Jimmy: (inhales) He's a good guy, but he's a bad dude. That's Chad.
[Warning: this is a Jimmyquote of epic dimensions.]
Jimmy: (super drunk, coming into room) Hey guys, how are you doin'?
Jason: We're just chillin'. How are you?
Jimmy: I'm fuckin' hammered. (fumbles around room for a bit)
Jason: Where're you going?
Jimmy: I'm gonna go find Chris and Tyler.
Jason: Where're you gonna look?
Jimmy: I'm gonna chill in Chris' room. (comes back 5 min. later) I can't find them anywhere! (takes his shirt off and climbs into bed with his cell phone)
Jason: You going to bed?
Jimmy: No. (closes eyes) I'm just chillin' here, then I'm gonna find Chris and Tyler.
Jason: (laughing) All right, man.
Jimmy: (talks on phone to girlfriend for a bit, then climbs down)
Jason: Where are you going, man?
Jimmy: Chad's room.
Jason: Chad lives in the Sig Tau house, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Yeah, I'm gonna find Chris and Tyler.
Jason: (laughing harder) Okay...
Jimmy: (returns 2 min. later) Chris and Tyler have disappeared! And I'm not gonna lie... (points finger at Jason) Chad is nowhere to be found.
Jason: Where is Chad?
Jimmy: (falling into bed) In his room.
Jason: You going to bed now, man?
Jimmy: No. (falls asleep)
Adam: Well I'll just put that in my cover letter. My WACT professor makes us put cover letters on our essays so we can talk about what we attempted to do with them, so you can just make your essay a shitpile and put in the cover letter, "Well, I tried some new structural technniques with this essay, but I don't think it turned out like I'd planned." And she'll think that's fine. She'll write on there, "Well your 'structural techniques' sucked dick, but at least you know it."
Jason: Hey, what's that stuff that women put on their eyelashes?
Nick: Mascara?
Jason: Okay, and what's eyeliner? The pencil thing?
Jimmy: Yeah. (mimes a drawing motion near his eyes)
Jason: Okay.
Nick: (after a long pause) Now let's talk about sports to make up for that conversation.
Jimmy: Yeah, I like steak.
Nick: Yeah, steak.
Jason: And titties. Don't forget titties.
Jimmy: Yeah...
Jason: (after another long pause) All right. (sighs, gets back to work)
Jason: (in the cafeteria) Hey Judas.
Chad: (smiles, shakes head) Why do you guys keep calling me a traitor?
Jason: Because you don't live in our hallway anymore. Judas.
Chad: (laughs and walks off)
Jason: See you later, Judas! Have a good lunch! (yells) Judas!
Chris: Jimmy. (holds up a banana) Cut this banana in half by throwing the frisbee at it.
Jimmy: Nah. I could do it if I had a playing card.
Chris: (excited) Really?!
Jimmy: No.
Chris: (speaking to Tyler on phone) Oh, well we already left.
Jason: (standing near him) What?
Chris: (talking to Tyler) Sorry. Yeah. What did you say?
Jason: What?
Chris: (still talking to Tyler) Okay, so you did go to class.
Jason: What? Rip it right off, you say? (takes down a picture from David's door and sticks it behind the EXIT sign at the end of the hallway)
Chris: (drunk, genuinely distressed) Rauleen! My phone has no signal!
Rauleen: (getting there) Yeah, 'cause you know why? 'Cause you know why? 'Cause you suck!
Chad: (with his mouth full) Well... (pauses, chews for a really long time, then continues with his mouth still full) I have lost the ability to swallow.
Chris: So I'm gonna eat dinner-
Jimmy: That's pretty metal.
Chris: Eating is pretty metal. That's why Africa isn't metal.
Tyler: Hey, I think Alessandro's asleep right now, Chris. You can go kill him now.
Chris: I don't wanna kill 'im while he's asleep... I wanna kill 'im while he's awake.
Tyler: (hearing music coming through the wall) Ohp, I hear techno... I can only guess where that's coming from.
Jason: (putting on headphones) Yeah, but I'm about to drown it out with ninja awesomeness.
Jason: (listening to the loud, generic techno music coming from next door) I hope he plays the "Grease" soundtrack soon.
Jimmy: It's about that time of day...
Jimmy: (writes "Five South Mutiny - meet in Steve's room at 6 - password is bee low me" on Chris' board)
Jason: Mutiny? Why?
Jimmy: (shrugs) Oppression.
Jason: Who are we mutinying against?
Jimmy: You know. The man.
[Steve doesn't attend Truman anymore.]
Chris: Okay, so you read my Xanga over the summer, right?
Jason: Yeah.
Chris: Jimmy?
Jimmy: I didn't even know you had a-
Chris: You're not a real friend.
Chris: Tyler, we're going to lunch. You wanna come?
Tyler: (feeling ill, lying facedown in bed) No. Can you turn off the light when you leave?
Chris: ...the light's off, Tyler.
Tyler: (groans)
Chris: Tyler did a funny thing. He likes to read by flashlight, so he hung his flashlight from the bottom of my bed and read like that till he fell asleep. This morning, he sat up and bashed his face on the thing.
Jason: What a dumbass.
Chris: It's a pretty big flashlight, too. (pauses) That's why you shouldn't read.
Jason: (reading Jimmy's Away Message) "brb chuck norris"?
Jimmy: (laughs) Yeah, I don't want anyone to know where I'm going.
Jason: Oh. (pauses) Where are you going?
Jimmy: To Jared's.
Jason: (excited after finishing homework) I just conquered physics, Jimmy!
Jimmy: (points to peel lying on desk) I just conquered that banana.
Jason: (frowns at Jimmy for ruining his excitement)
Adam: What have you guys done in your Intro to Linguistics class?
Jason: Um... "Can animals communicate through language?" and sign language development in deaf children.
Adam: Oh, okay, I should be good then.
Jason: (after a minute of silence) Is that what you wanted to talk about?
Adam: Yeah.
Jason: Oh. I thought it was gonna be about something more... serious.
Adam: Oh, I also have breast cancer.
Jason: (trying to fix Chris' computer) Come on, baby, come on... (holds breath) Yes! Motherfucker! (laughs triumphantly) I win; technology loses!
Jason: (walking towards Amanda's room) Oh shit.
Chris: What?
Jason: I just realized I'm wearing my Anime Club t-shirt.
Chris: So?
Jason: So, I'm going to help Amanda with computer problems. All her friends are gonna think I'm some super-nerd.
Chris: I don't think-
Jason: "Don't worry, girls... I got us a nerd to fix our computers. You can tell which one he is by his shirt."
Chris: (laughs) Hopefully that's not the case.
Jason: (sighs) I love first impressions...
Tyler: American "cuisine" is stupid. We didn't invent anything! What did we invent... Cheetos?
Jason: (in a Southern accent) Freedom. We invented freedom.
Jason: (while moving in) Dude! Jimmy and I get four outlets each! Look! (points ecstatically)
Nick: No way! (runs to his room to check if he has the same)
Jason: (starts to unpack)
Nick: (runs back) What the fuck?! We only get two each!
Jason: Nick, didn't you have the same room last year?
Nick: (ignores him, continues on enraged) They have the second outlet there, but it's covered by a metal plate! They're like, "Oh, sorry... you don't get one!"
Rauleen: (referring to scenes of destruction in the movie Independence Day) Look, Louisiana.
Jason: (shocked) Rauleen!
Rauleen: (covers mouth with hands) I know! I'm sorry; I'm sorry!
Jason: (laughing) That just... doesn't seem like the kind of thing you'd say...
Rauleen: (tries to hide behind arms) I know! I don't know why I said it!
Jason: Why is it such a big deal if we're late?
Rauleen: Because when I suggested that we leave, we had 20 minutes to get to the movie, but you said, "No, we still have a few minutes." We would have been on time if we had left then, but I decided to trust your judgement over mine.
Jason: (laughs) That was a mistake.
Jason: (genuinely remorseful) I'm sorry.
Rauleen: Why?
Jason: I keep hurting you on accident.
Rauleen: (soothingly) That's okay. It's because I'm a pussy.
Jason: Do you think you'll ever get a tattoo?
Adam: Yeah, I'll get one eventually.
Jason: All over your face? So you can still get jobs.
Adam: Yeah, I'm gonna get a dragon eating a baby on my face. So they'll know what I'm all about. (sips drink) Dragons eating babies.
Jason: Look at all the food you wasted. You only ate half of everything you ordered.
Rauleen: (picking at food) That's because it's half only-good. (pauses) Only half-good.
Jason: That would have been clever if it had been in English.
Rauleen: Shut up.
Jason: (drunk) Hmm... I think I want more.
Chad: You sure?
Jason: Well... Mr. Whiskey says it's a good idea, so... yeah.
Jason: Say... you don't think Chad and Angela are inviting us over just so they can get us drunk and try some kind of "couple-swapping" thing, do you?
Rauleen: (trying to ignore him) I don't know...
Jason: Hmm... would you be into that, you think?
Rauleen: Only if I get Angela.
Rauleen: (referring to the cables taped to the ceiling of Jason's room) Oh! One of the pieces of tape came off.
Jason: Shit! Those bitches keep- fuck! That one's peeling! And that one too! Goddammit! (looks around room) Well if one of those cables falls down again, I'm tapin' 'em to the floor, and Jimmy can suck my fucking cock if he doesn't like it. (walks two inches and bashes toe hard on Jimmy's ladder) OW!! Fuck!
Rauleen: (somehow laughing reprovingly) Ha ha ha, karma...
Tyler: (reading the old quotes page) Oh, dill pickle chips? I love those!
Chris: Dill pickle chips are the bane of my existence.
Tyler: So do you like them?
Chris: (looks at him in disbelief) No. I said, "They're the bane of my existence"!
Tyler: Well you use those fuckin' big words, I don't know.
Chris: "Bane" is a four letter word.
Tyler: (pissed) Whatever.
Nick: (doing a news anchor voice) "...and Hurricane Katrina continues to devastate New Orleans. In other news, there's one hurricane that isn't bringing chaos, but fun: Hurricane Harbor at Six Flags. Stop on by for-"
Jason: It's like, Chris and I would probably cuddle if we weren't males.
Chris: Especially if we were girls.
Jason: Rauleen's talking to me on AIM about some 10-year-old kid at a company picnic who took off his shirt and flirted with her.
Chris: Awesome. (looks around room) You better watch the hell out...
Rauleen: Better safe than never.
Adam: God, is it possible for me to walk somewhere on campus at night where there aren't any couples making out?
Jason: Hopefully a lot of them break up soon.
Adam: Seriously.
Chris: They were showing this watch on one of those shopping networks and it was so gaudy and ugly, and at the bottom, it said, "Nine Strands of Simulated Diamonds," and I was like, "That would be an awesome name for a band."
Jason: She says she's tired but she wants to go for a walk. (pauses) I just think she hates you.
Jimmy: (shrugs) I don't blame her.
Jason: (playing God of War) Now I go to rape the women.
Chris: That would be awesome if you could do that.
Nick: You ever walk into a leather store? The smell is so strong... it hits you and you just wonder, "How many cows had to die to make this store?"
Take me back to the new quotes!