Take me back to the new quotes!
You've just arrived at the new home of the old '04-'05 Truman Dorm Quotes. Though they're slowly getting older, they're still so awesome and fun to browse that there's no way in any kind of hell I'd throw them away. In fact, as I remember more, I may add a few here and there. Enjoy.
Dorm Life Is Consistently Hilarious...
(From Second Semester; Those From First Semester Have Asterisks By Them)
Chris: Man, you're so funny when you're drunk, Rauleen. You stutter a lot.
Jason: She's not drunk; she's foreign.
*Rauleen: What flavor ramen is this?
Jason: Pollo. (pauses) It's French for "chicken."
Rauleen: That's what it is in Spanish, too.
Jason: No, I lied, it's just in Spanish.
Rauleen: Oh, well, I wouldn't have known. I don't speak Chicken.
Jason: Um...
Rauleen: (after a pause, laughs in embarrassment) Oh, I mean Spanish.
Jason: Um... you mean French?
Rauleen: (collapses in laughter) Yeah... that.
*Jason: What would you do if I bought you a $500 necklace?
Rauleen: A $500 necklace? I wouldn't wear it until you returned it.
*Rauleen: (angry) I don't want any piggyrides back from you.
*Jason: You really are teh best.
Rauleen: Am I? Why?
Jason: Because you're very huggable.
Rauleen: Oh! Something about eggs. (mumbles tune) Duh duh duh duh duh...
Jason: (blank expression)
Rauleen: There's a song about eggs. How does it go? They're huggable, duh duh duh... eggs.
Jason: Um... the incredible, edible egg?
Rauleen: (bursts into fits of laughter)
*Jason: (shows Chad a quote from Rauleen about how much fun it is to touch her boobs, followed by a quote from another girl about how she loves to touch hers too)
Chad: I think that just confirmed everything I ever wanted to know in life.
Jason: (enters room) I hate all life on the planet.
Chad: (laughing) Why?
Jason: I dunno. Just seemed appropriate to say. (leaves room)
Jason: Don't you just love it when your girlfriend does something to make you feel superior?
Chad: Yeah, like menstruating.
Jason: I hate Missouri because it's the only state in America where you can say, "Oh, it's raining. No wonder it's so hot," and make perfect fucking sense.
Russell: (to Jason and Chad) Have a good summer, you two. I'll see you in the fall. Keep it secret, keep it safe.
Angela: You're such a tool.
Chad: That's a lie. Jason, tell her I'm cool. (pauses, then with weak assurance) I'm in a fraternity.
Jason: (referring to Chad's jar full of beer bottle caps) Why do you have so many of those?
Chad: I dunno. (picks up the jar and examines it) You can build, like, coffee
tables out of them or something, as like a tribute to your alcoholism.
Nick: Hey, wouldn't it be weird if you were looking out the window at a thunderstorm and you saw a bolt of lightning and it stopped and said, "Hey, I'm a bolt of lightning!" and then hit the ground?
Russell and Left-Eye: (Look at each other confused)
Nick: I'm sorry, I meant to say something less stupid.
Jason: (to Chris) We're thinkers, Steve.
Russell: You just called Chris Steve, Mr. Thinker.
Jason: Shit; that's a quote, huh?
Rauleen: Want me to plug it out?
Jason: Man, I have to crap really badly right now.
Russell: Me too.
Chris: Me too...
Jason: Dibs.
Russell: Dibs.
Jason: Well Chris, looks like you'll be shitting in the urinal.
Chad: (looking at clock) I wonder if Nick would give me a piggyback ride to Barnett...
[Barnett is the farthest building from our dorm, a 15 minute walk or more.]
Chad: It was weird when I came in the room this morning, cause no one was here. I was kinda disappointed; I had big plans. I was gonna flip off Beard, and then go to my computer. But you weren't here to see it, and he wasn't here to be flipped off, so I was like, "Fuck!" (leaves room a little sadly)
Here's another one of those special sections to where I'll keep coming back and adding quotes as time passes. This time it's called
/*begin nerd humor
"Broken Wrist And Burned Face! Legendary Adventures In Humor Forged From A Sacrificial Fall From The Bed Of A Thousand Bunks!!"
/*end nerd humor
Ha ha, enjoy!
Jason: (bleeding from his face, worried people swarming around him) Curse you gravity... you have defeated me again.
Jason: Wow, this may be the pain talking, but I'm kinda feeling like smashing my wrist in your door will make it hurt less, Chris.
Chris: (genuinely concerned) Jason, no.
Jason: Rauleen feels so guilty about the whole thing, she keeps asking me to push her down the stairs.
Russell: Rauleen, that's ridiculous!
Rauleen: Well, I just-
Jason: Shut up. Give me your soda. (farts on it)
Russell: (looks surprised)
Jason: I've decided I'm going to push her down the stairs mentally every day.
Rauleen: (laughing) I hate you.
Jason: I keep getting worse and worse news about the accident. First I was hoping I wouldn't have to go to the hospital. Then I was hoping it wouldn't come down to X-Rays. Man, I was almost expecting the doctor to walk in the room with the X-Rays and I'd say, "So is it broken?" And he'd say, (inhales deeply)
"You have AIDS." "What?!" "Yeah, you got them from the fall." "How is that possible?" "It's a new strain of the virus we're having difficulty diagnosing. It's communicable by hard falls and... looking an affected person in the eye. (pauses) Oh, shit. You didn't make eye contact with anyone since the fall, did you?" "Well, yeah. My friends, my girlfriend, like every patient in the waiting room, you, right now..." (super serious deep voice) "My God... it's an epidemic..."
Jason: (just before the surgery, in a solemn voice) Rauleen, listen to me... if I don't make it, and the government comes for my body, don't let them have these things. (gives her a wallet, a cell phone, and a book)
Rauleen: Jason, stop it.
Jason: So yeah, my doctor was like, "We didn't actually need to do surgery because the X-Ray technicians here are high school dropouts, so I just set your bone while you were under. You have to come see me in a week for the cast, and to check how the bones are. They'll stay, but they may not, so see you then." If I go there and he tells me he has to operate because they shifted again or something, I'm gonna tell him, "Well you know what? Why don't you pay for that, asshole, because you're a goddamn shitcock? How about I stick my arm up my ass and leave it there for a few months? That'll probably take better care of it than you you dumb fucker!"
Jason: (after standing next to Rauleen for half a minute with a plastic Wal-Mart bag held out in front of him) Gee, I wish someone with two unbroken arms could help me tie a knot in this bag...
Rauleen: All right, geez! Why don't you just ask for help in the first place?!
Jason: (whining) Because my arm's broken...
Rauleen: (sighs deeply)
Jason: You know what? I've figured out what the best sore throat medicine is: Vicodin.
Steve: Chad, come play catch with us.
Chad: No, I'm busy right now.
Steve: Come on...
Chad: No. Go ask someone else.
Steve: Everyone else is already playing. Just grab your glove-
Jason: (watching a movie) Steve shut up! Movie!
Steve: You shut up. I'm not even making that much noi-
Jason: MY ARM IS BROKEN!!
Nick: Hey, we've got four people here; we should play Halo! (smiles at Jason)
Jason: (sarcastic) Ha ha ha! I'd punch you in the face with my intense pain, but it'd probably hurt.
Jason: Chad, do you ever just sit back and examine your life, you know... really delve deep in your thoughts, and just wish sometimes that your arm wasn't broken?
Jason: (to Rauleen, matter-of-factly) Why am I weird? My balls itch.
Left-Eye: Oh, hey, I found the Xbox jewel that fell off my controller.
Russell: Your mom's a jewel.
Left-Eye: Well your mom's an Xbox.
Russell: You're right, and I can't wait to get home and play with her.
Chad: I don't think Angela's ever going to break up with me because she can't do any better; I'm the best boyfriend ever.
Chad: Well, that's because girls are inherently stupid.
Chris: (drunk, opens a Word document on Keith's computer and seemingly stares through it intensely for ten seconds or so) Keith makes no sense. (closes it)
Russell: (drunk) Chad, let's play a game called You Touch My Balls And I Like It.
*Jason: You know Transformers, right?
Rauleen: "Of course! 'Transformers, battles in disguise.'"
*Rauleen: I don't like mendling in other people's business.
*Jason: Sometimes, guys get insecure because they don't feel like they deserve their girlfriends.
Rauleen: Yeah, if I were you I'd feel that way too.
Nick: Yeah, I know every time I injure my right arm, I have to give the old left a try. (makes masturbatory motions) And I'm like, "Hey... there's a new girl in town..."
Russell: Left-Eye, we need to get you back to your room.
Left-Eye: (extremely drunk, in between bouts of vomiting into a toilet) See, that's not a good idea because I'm not actually here right now.
Jason: (walking, sees a bird attack a squirrel) Sweet, check it out... Bird vs. Squirrel.
Chris: I have this song stuck in my head and I can't remember the name of it.
Jason: How does it g-
Chris: I just remembered it.
Jason: Listen, Chad... failing a class is like nailing a fat chick.
Chad: Really?
Jason: Yeah. (long pause)
Chad: I'm waiting for the-
Jason: (shrugs) It just sucks.
Jason: Girlfriends suck! Everytime you try to argue your case with them, they're like, "I have labia," and it's over.
Russell: (to Chad) Listen, put Icy-Hot on your hand and rub Steve's balls.
Russell: (upset) No! I don't want Chad touching my balls unless it's with his tongue!
Russell: Have you guys ever dampened your balls and put Gold Bond on them? It feels like a thousand tiny butterflies kissing your nads.
Rauleen: Would you still go out with me if I studied abroad for a year?
Jason: Well, it'd be tough, but I don't think I'd break up with you for wanting to study abroad...
Rauleen: But that doesn't answer my question! I asked if you would break up with me if I wanted to study abroad for a year!
Chris: "Trying to work on paper," huh?
Chad: (playing Warcraft 3) Well, I am... I'm just not doing very well.
Chad: I don't know where I live. My mom moved and I don't know the address.
Jason: (after a brief pause) What?
Chad: My mom just moved and I don't know the new address.
Jason: Oh. It sounded like you were imitating a character or something.
Chad: (saddened) No, I just... don't know where I live.
Russell: What are you guys up to?
Chad: Nothing.
Jason: Bagina.
Chad: Your mom.
Russell: I had to take a dump a few nights ago, but I went to bed, and I haven't since. (pauses in thought) But when I do...
Russell: Can you smell that? I farted and it smells like Satan.
Left-Eye: (drunk) You may think this is the alcohol talking, but it's not... I really wish my girlfriend was here so I could take advantage of her.
Chris: (drunk, melancholic) Yeah... I have a pretty small penis.
Chris: Nick gave me a dollar last night to smash my head against my door when I was drunk.
Jason: (waiting for Rauleen) Ah, I need girlfriend!
Russell: I've been saying that for years; it doesn't work that way. Trust me.
Russell: (playing a game wherein girls strip for you if you win) Look at Chad's away message... simple and to the point.
Jason: (checks it) Simple and to the awesome.
Russell: Ha ha, that's gotta be a quote!
Jason: Why? Is it really that funny?
Russell: Well, I think it is oh my God you are so hot, I want to see your titties.
Chad: (loses at some titty volleyball flash game) Gank!
Russell: Did you just say "gank?"
Chad: No, I said "dick."
Russell: I'm pretty sure you said "gank."
Jason: I heard "gank."
Chad: Why would I be denying saying "gank?!"
Russell: Because you want to avoid embarrassment after saying the word "gank" in that situation, you stupid tard?
Chris: Emo kids are Satan.
Chad: Wait, so you're saying that God likes metal?
Chris: God would melt people's faces off with the power of metal because he's a badass like that.
Chad: (exasperated) I just don't understand how one chromosome can make such a difference, as far as women being retarded.
Jason: Goddammit, it's so unfair... I can't dream about my girlfriend but I can dream about Steve's penis.
Russell: Love is measured by punches to the face.
Rauleen: Fetal pig is a fact of life.
Russell: (in the car with Left-Eye) X. (pauses for a bit) I don't really know where I was going with that.
Jason: I think guys obsess with drawing the penis and talking about it and such because it's the only thing we have over women, except for intellect, personality, and muscle.
Rauleen: I don't care if my accent changes sometimes! I like being variety!
Rauleen: (out of nowhere) Bonsai tree! I need to see Chris' Bondjai tree!
Russell: I like how that second one was "Bondjai."
Jason: (having been previously mocked by Rauleen) Ahh... the feeling of superiority returns...
Jason: Wait, Rauleen. Wait, wait. (she walks away) God, she is the worst pet I've ever had.
Jason: You look really pretty today.
Rauleen: (overly excited) ThanksIcanputmyhairinaponytailnow!!
*Rauleen: I now know how your intentions are.
Jason: You now know what my intentions are?
Rauleen: Whatever; as long as my point is given across.
*Rauleen: Come on... if I told you to jump over a cliff, would you do it?
Jason: (examining spots on clothes) Goddammit!
Chad: Soda spill?
Jason: Yeah. You scared the crap out of me! Maybe next time you come in the room you shouldn't open the door like you're escaping from a goddamn fire!
Chris: (angry) It's 11:30, and Russell's skipping class. Somebody needs to kick him between the nuts.
Jason: (laughing) Between the nuts?
Chris: Yeah.
Jimmy: That's precision.
Chad: (upset) I don't understand why witches don't have to pay taxes.
Jason: (angry) 'Cause they're goddamn fuckshit bitches!!
Russell: Wait, so why did Rauleen go home?
Jason: She has to get up early.
Russell: For what?
Jason: (distracted) For the, uh... the... Retard Games.
Russell: (bursts out laughing)
Jason: Special Olympics! God, we're going to hell.
Jason: (still recovering, blows nose) Oh, good. Blood. Wondrous day.
*Rauleen: I like glaring at my head.
*Rauleen: I was just trying to make talk!
*Rauleen: Look at your cell phone.
Jason: Geez... you have a watch, but you never use it. Why didn't you get a watch that was convenient and useful instead of one that just looks nice?
Rauleen: Because this one's hard to read.
Steve: "Sour cream" is a euphemism for "semen."
Russell: Kudos on using the word "euphemism" while drunk, Steve.
Steve: Euphemism.
Nick: Eufromasia.
Rauleen: Ow... my spinal bone hurts.
[Rauleen is a Bio major.]
Chris: (looking at a list of Russian classes at Truman) Hey Russell, look... RUSS 316. It's like a Russell Bible. (in a Biblical voice) "Russell 3:16...
Russell: For Russ so loved the world that he killed a thousand people."
Nick: (to Chris) So are you agnostic or atheist?
Chris: I'm agnostic. It's the better of the two.
Jimmy: So do you believe the chicken or the egg came first?
Chris: Does that have some kind of religious meaning?
Jimmy: Well it should... all chickens are Jewish.
Rauleen: I think I have to go to my Chemistry seminar. I don't think so. I hope I don't have to.
Jason: Are you talking to yourself?
Chad: He grades the labs a little gay, but...
Jason: I like how you keep referring to your physics teacher as homosexual just based on the way he teaches.
Chad: Well, he has wife, but he also has cats, so... take from that what you will.
Left-Eye: (looking at his computer screen) Oh, great. Britney Spears and her new husband are having a new reality show on UPN. (pauses) Wait a minute... they're not black...
Bill: (to Left-Eye) Chris, you need to wake up now. There's lots of stuff for you to do today.
Left-Eye: (half-asleep) Like what?
Bill: Well, there's that Buck Buck thing today, why don't you do that? (leaves the room)
Left-Eye: (sits up in bed; after pondering this for about a minute he turns to Russell) What the fuck fuck is Buck Buck?
Chad: Looks are the only thing that matter.
Russell: I'll tell Angela you said that.
Chad: Don't worry; I already told her today.
Russell: Really?
Chad: Yeah, I smacked her right on the ass and said, "Get off my elevator, bitch." (then softly) I didn't actually say that, please don't tell Angela.
Jimmy: So I threw up last night.
Russell: Yeah, I heard.
Jimmy: Chris got the honor of holding the garbage can. (pauses) Man, Chris sucks at having roommates.
[Chris' roommate last semester, Jason Bright, also gave him similar honors.]
Chad: Have you gone to lunch?
Jason: (still very sick) Yeah, I went with Chris.
Chad: (exasperated) Everyone's gone to lunch already!
Jason: Well, you could eat my pain for lunch, Chad. That'd be really nice of you.
Chad: (laughing) Um... I'll pass.
Jimmy: Hey man, how are you feeling?
Jason: (nonchalant but very pissed off) Well, mucous is coming out of my eyes. How's it going with you?
Jimmy: Oh. (pauses) Is that good or bad?
Jason: Well, it's... (thinks) very painful.
Jimmy: Steve, doesn't that guy kinda look like Mike Bush?
Steve: Yeah, a little bit.
Chris: You know, my parents used to watch Macgyver when they were young.
Jimmy and Steve: (look at each other, perplexed)
Jason: (waking up) Ow, fuck. Don't you just love it when you keep your arms in the same position the entire time you were sleeping so that when you wake up they're incredibly stiff and painful?
Chad: Uh... sure.
Jason: Goddammit this sucks! They hurt so much! It's like I got armfucked by Bigfoot. See? He just stuck his cock right there in the crook of my arms and fucked away till he was satisfied.
Chad: What the hell are you talking about?
Jason: I'm in pain, Chad. That's what I'm talking about.
And now, a never-before-attempted-by-me special thing wherein I embarrass Chad by quoting him in a series I like to call "Holy Fuck I Dropped My Girlfriend's Baby Turtle's Plastic Tank And The Artificial Log Fell On Top Of Him And Now He's Not Moving." Enjoy!
Chad: Fuck, he's not moving. (soothingly, slowly growing angrier) Come on, baby. Come on... live, goddamn you, live! Angela's gonna kill me...
Chad: This wasn't even a good death! I took perfect care of him all weekend and then right as I'm bringing him back to her I drop his fucking tank!
Chad: Fuck... the log fell on top of him right as he hit the ground. Thank God turtles have shells.
Chad: (soothingly) Okay, baby, I'm gonna set you right here for now. Take your time, get everything together, and come out of your shell when you're ready, okay? (pauses) And when you do I'm gonna beat the shit out of you for scaring me like that!!
Chad: Good God yes he's moving! Oh yes... this is what I wanted. (pauses) Now just watch him swim around with a gimp leg for the rest of his life. Angela won't notice that.
Chad: (trying to put the fake log back into the tank with the turtle and the new water) Come on, baby, get out of the way. Swim away, baby, I need to put your home back to normal. (after spending 30 more seconds trying to get the wood back into the tank) Move, you stupid asshole! Get the fuck out of the way! Do you wanna get crushed by this goddamn log again?!
Jason: Sometimes, life sucks. One day you're just cruising along, having a good time, the next day you're getting lungfucked by a virus.
Russell: How are you feeling?
Jason: A little better... (points to Chad) I just wish fuckface would wake up so I could vacuum the room.
Chad: (apparently not asleep) Mm. (flicks Jason off)
Chris: (walking into MO Hall) Jesus is the Metal Master!!
Chris: (drunk) Give me my phone!
Russell: (lying, trying to keep it away from him) It ran out of batteries.
Chris: I'll give it more, with my Hand of Power!
Chris: (drunk, yelling) Russell, I'm so drunk right now... I want to have sex with everyone.
Jason: And, uh... oh, I used Hemingway's "The Snows of Kilimanjaro."
Chad: (in an uptight, know-it-all voice) Isn't Hemingway, uh... (long pause) dammit, I don't remember. (pauses again, looks around at Russell and Jason) You know, what that one stupid bitch said... (pauses) you know... (getting angry, looks at Jason) I know it made you mad at the time!
Russell: Ohp, you opened your fist... that's a deble nougative.
Russell: Would you hit yourself in the face with an elephant's dick for $100?
Left-Eye: Yeah... I would.
Russell: Me too.
Left-Eye: Cool. (pauses) We're awesome.
Left-Eye: Oh, you just missed the greatest transfer known to God.
Jason: Yeah, I definitely wouldn't drive if I didn't have a face.
Left-Eye: But man, that would make your Driver's License hell...
Russell: Horse. Sex. That's all I want.
Russell: Goddammit... Left-Eye went to go take out the garbage and decided to take a crap on the way back, and came back without our garbage can!
Chad: (reaches for a soda)
Jason: Hey, Steve just brought you one from his room. (points to a Diet Cherry Coke on Chad's desk) He said he knows you left it in there because only pussies drink diet soda.
Chad: Well, you can tell him that... he has slanted eyes.
[Steve is Asian.]
Chris: Do you know how octopi mate?
Jason: How?
Chris: The male creates a sack of sperm and places it in the female with one of his tentacles.
Jason: Oh. (pauses) That's pretty weird.
Chris: Isn't it? It's like jizzing on your hand and then sticking it up the girl.
Jason: Wow. Thanks for that extra graphic description.
Chris: Hey, biology is all about relating life to life.
Nick: Did you steal something from the C-Store?
Jason: Just the usual: four string cheeses.
Nick: Oh. Give me one.
Chris: Me too.
Jason: Fuck that!
Chris: Give me one or I'll tell on you.
Nick: Me too.
Jason: (to Chris) Do that and I'll break your guitar.
Chris: What about Nick?
Jason: I'll... break your bass.
Chad: (on Animal Rights Activism) I think baseball gloves are better when the cows suffer.
Russell: (laughing) I can't believe there's someone out there in the world name Svetlana Bagina.
Jason: I think that proves that there is a God.
Jason: (as Joe Rogan in the next generation of Fear Factor) Okay guys, you made it to the end. Here's what you have to do to win: You have to put on scuba gear and dive underwater where you'll find a series of locks. You have to use the set of keys we've given you to unlock the locks in a specific order. After you've done that you'll need to dive deeper into a cage where you'll find five balls of various colors. Each ball color corresponds to a particular word written on this billboard here above the surface. You have to bring the balls in the correct order, one by one, out of the water and place them in this bag. However, whenever you come up for air, this big guy over here is going to shit in your mouth. (gives a thumbs up and a cheap smile) Good luck!!
Jason: Hey, you came back to hang out with me!
Chad: No, I came back to go to the bathroom.
Jason: And to hang out with me?
Chad: Bathroom?
Jason: Hang out with me?
Chad: Look, you don't have boobs. And that is a scientific fact.
Russell: (after eating one of Chad's Dill Pickle potato chips) They're so freaking weird.
Chad: They're so amazing.
Russell: Argh... I can't decide if these are really good or really bad.
Jason: Well, I think we can decide that... Chad is a pregnant woman.
Jason: (talking about Mario 1 on Chad's NES emulator) Oh man, I can't wait to see you beat this part.
Chad: Ha!
Jason: You cheater!
Chad: How is that cheating? If you're going to count that as cheating, you- cock shit bitch whore! God! I'm gonna get it this time. (doesn't) Fuck him and his K-Hammer!
Jason: K-Hammer?
Chad: I... can't speak in complete sentences right now. This game is- motherfucker!
Jason: I don't see how this level makes sense.
Chad: It makes perfect sense. Fuck! Dick dick dick!
Bill: You people make me sick.
Russell: Well... your sickness makes us... people.
Jason: (to Ethan) you're always so loud when you're on the phone. I can hear you talking to your girlfriend down the hall, even if your door's closed: "No no, stock market blow jobs."
Jason: (referring to Chad's multitude of Icy Hot patches) It smells like someone OD'ed on Maalox in here.
Chad: Sorry about that.
Jason: Can you even do that?
Chad: I dunno.
Jason: Can you OD on painkillers?
Chad: I think you can.
Jason: I dunno... I've had a few people that I knew try to commit suicide by doing it, and they just ended up in the hospital.
Chad: Yeah, I knew someone who did that. I think you have to mix it with alcohol, though.
Jason: Oh. Yeah, that'd probably do it. (pauses in thought) Well, I'm so glad we got that figured out.
Chris: (drunk) I'm always using the Power of Metal. (pauses) I feel like I'm gonna vomit.
Chris: (slightly drunk) Take that Chad... right in your Michelob V.
Russell: (drunk) Chris, if you vomit, I'm never talking to you again.
Jason: Are you drunk, Russell?
Russell: I'm just a little tipsy right now.
Jason: Oh, you're just a little tipsy?
Chris: (holding a box of Goldfish in his hands) I'm not that- (somehow causes the Goldfish to explode out of the box and onto the floor)
Jason: You could have another beer, Russell.
Russell: (very drunk) Not right now. I could... I could...
Jason: Drink a thousand people?
Russell: Well, now that you put it that way... (reaches for another beer)
Russell: (very drunk) Man, if I was any more drunk, I'd be a TV show.
Nick: (drunk, sitting at Jason's computer) Hey Jason, your password's not "Hidalgo."
Jason: (commenting on Chad's supposedly immense leg pain) Man, did you guys do squats?
Chad: Well, we did this one exercise where they drop cinder blocks on your legs and you have to push back against them. That one hurt.
Jason: By the way, I think it's only fair to tell you... I read that while taking a dump.
Chad: The fall schedule of classes?
Jason: Yeah.
Chad: Oh, that's okay. Have you, uh... (takes a self-important breath) planned your future like I have?
Jason: No, not yet. I thought about planning it, though.
Chad: It's so funny that I took the time to plan out my future but I haven't done a three page paper that's due tomorrow.
Jason: Well, planning for your future is a lot easier than actually working toward it.
Chad: Yeah, I've been doing a lot of planning...
Rauleen: No one will ever agree with you!
Jason: Steve agreed with me!
Rauleen: At first, but then when you told him [what you were talking about], he said no!
Jason: It doesn't matter; he said yes in the beginning. (looks at her seriously) Rauleen, no one can ever change their opinion, ever.
Rauleen: Oh, really?
Jason: Yeah. See, that's why I really regret asking you out, because at first I liked you, but now...
Rauleen: Oh, really? Well then I'll leave! Bye! Bye! I'm bye now!
Jason: You're bye now?
Rauleen: I meant bye-bye! I mean, I meant good-bye! Adios!
Jason: (playing Super Smash Bros.) Damn! Almost got you!
Rauleen: The secret word there, my friend, is almost.
Jason: Key? You mean key word?
Rauleen: The key word there, my friend, is almost.
Steve: Chris, what would you rather do: set your dream guitar on fire or give yourself second degree burns?
Chris: (thinks about it for a moment) Those are the medium ones, right?
Jason: Okay, two new quotes are up.
Chad: Or as I like to call them, "incriminating evidence."
Chad: I think the moral of that story is, um... fuck all girls.
Jason: Gluesticks are awesome. If I was doing this shit with Elmer's, it'd be fucked up for sure. I always put too much or too little, you know?
Chad: I don't understand glue.
Jason: Uh... glue?
Chad: Yeah. Using glue to... stupid things like... I hate Art. I always hated Art Class.
*Russell: (drunk, angry) And make sure I wake up tomorrow morning!!
Left-Eye: (sober, annoyed) Yeah, sure, I'll just throw a bucket of ice cold water on your face.
Russell: Yeah, you do that and you're gonna wake up with a knife in your ass!
Left-Eye: Oh, where're you gonna get a knife from?
Russell: I have the power to call them down from above.
Jason: (after Rauleen tries and fails horribly to give him a Soul Handshake) You're so not black that you might as well be white.
Rauleen: What up G? I mean... what up, J? Ha ha ha ha ha!
Jason: (sighs)
Rauleen: J to the A to the... (sings) JASON izzlllllllllllllle!!!
Jason: Stop, please.
*Chad: (very drunk, at Wal-Mart) I have decided... that we need a birthday cake. (walks off toward the cakes)
Chris: Chad, no... (hurries to follow him)
Jason: Chad, did you ever see that episode of South Park where they say "shit" uncensored like a hundred times?
Chad: Yeah. I didn't think they could do that.
Jason: Yeah, I know. (awkward pause) Well thanks a lot, Chad, this conversation could have been a lot longer. (puts headphones back on)
Rauleen: Third time's a strike, and you're out.
Russell: (having lamented earlier about his mother refusing to send him an Easter Basket) And my mom asked me how much money she should deposit in my account, and I said, "Well... however much you can spare, you know... however much you want to give me..."
Jason: You should have said, "Hmm, how about $20 plus however much it would have cost to make me a GODDAMN EASTER BASKET, YOU BITCH!!"
Russell: Hey, listen to this song. Check out the bass drums.
Left-Eye: Good gravy! He's double-fisting it!! (pauses) I mean... I meant to say -footing!
Russell: (drinking) Hmm... this is good, but I don't want to get drunk tonight.
Chris: (drunk) Russell, I did that.
Chris: (drunk) Okay, I just thought of a good idea.
Jason: Wait, Chris... is it really a good idea?
Chris: Of course. If it wasn't, I wouldn't be thinkin' it.
Jason: Did any girls throw their panties on stage?
Rauleen: No...
Jason: Oh. Well then I guess you weren't that good of a singer...
Rauleen: (glaring) Why do you care if some girl threw his panties on the stage?
Jason: It's "her" panties.
Rauleen: Who's a her?
Jason: You said "his panties" and I was correcting you. Ha ha ha, I'm totally posting this as a quote!
Rauleen: No no no, I didn't say "his", I said "her"! Don't post it!
Jason: Yes, you have to let me!
Raulen: SHINE! (gasps, covers mouth) I mean fine! Dammit!
Rauleen: Oh yeah, you're so good at this game. Wow, look at how you're getting your ass kicked by those Spider Ninja. Shows how awesome you are. Hey, way to take a shuriken in the face!
Jason: Rauleen, I will pop you right in the mouth if you don't shut the hell up.
Chris: Also, "Check Out My Burrito" would be an awesome name for a band.
Chad: So... I've decided that girlfriends are evil.
Jason: Really?
Chad: Here's the thing: girlfriends are great. They're awesome. But what they do is they create a void in you. They sit down in among your internal organs and they form this hole that can only be filled by them. So when they're not around, you're left feeling like shit because you're walking around with this big hole in your chest that aches to be filled by something so wonderful and so incredible. Girlfriends create a need and then fulfill it at their own damn whim and for that they are evil. I have decided it.
Jason: Wow Chad, that's almost... beautiful. In a clingy, probably-piss-off-your-girlfriend sort of way.
Chad: Yeah. (minutes pass) Oh! She's back from class! See you tomorrow!
Jason: Okay, well, I guess this'll have to wait. I have to go now to meet my castration... engineer.
Chris: Castration Engineer! That'd be an awesome name for a band!
Jason: (making a face) Damn. I'm torn between my love of ice cream and my love of crapping.
Chad: Well, you could eat it while you crap.
Jason: I believe that's a point in my life I hope never to reach.
Steve: See, when you squeeze it, it's like a little fountain.
Chris: (playing guitar) Old Yeller. (pauses) I mean...
Steve: (laughing) What the hell, Chris? (to Jason) He's been [off lately]... earlier, he said he wanted to rip a guy's throat out through his chest.
Chris: (pointing finger, eyes wide) Which would be badass!
Rauleen: You know, it's like when you're on the way to something, you stop and see the Biggest Ballyarn.
Jason: Ballyarn?
Rauleen: Er.. Yarnball. You know what I mean.
Jason: Ball of Yarn?
Rauleen: Yeah, yeah, Biggest Barn of Yall.
Chad: Do you have like four hours of homework a night?
Keith: I have like... gay hours of homework a night.
Jason: (sighs) Why did I just stand up?
Chad: Because... you wanted the satisfaction and enjoyment of sitting back down?
Jason: Ummm... I guess so. (sits)
Chad: I'm gonna go to German class today and say, "Here's seven weeks worth of assignments; I'm not gonna be in class on Friday. I have a girlfriend and I drink too much."
Jason: See? Isn't this awesome? This is all just flutes right now, but soon the bagpipes are gonna come in and they're like, "WE'RE BAGPIPES!!"
Chris: (looking at Jason's mini Bonsai kit) I like Bonsai trees. We used to have one in our backyard. They're really cool. (pauses, picks up the tiny scissors it came with) Snip, snip, snip.
Jason: (doesn't know who Chris is talking to)
Russell: I'm the Ass Thief.
Left-Eye: Did you just say you're an Ass Thief?
Russell: No, I'm the Ass Thief.
Russell: All right, tell me if you like any of these quotes.
Jason: Well, I probably won't put any of them in my profile, since you're not creative.
Russell: I... fuck you.
Jason: (after tasting Rauleen's Waffle Sundae) Urg... I can't believe you can eat that.
Rauleen: Mmm... it's so good!
Jason: (gasping) Look, I'm putting syrup in my mouth to make it taste less sweet.
Steve: Apparently, it's not a concert if you don't get punched in the face.
Chris: Yeah.
Russell: No silly, that's sex.
Chris: No better today than today.
Jason: Hey Chris, give me your bass; I'm gonna fart on it.
Chris: Okay.
Russell: Ahh, the majesty of college life.
Jason: I got a package and you didn't!
Jimmy: That's a lot of tacos. (walks into bathroom)
Rauleen: What does that mean?
Jason: (shrugs) It's probably an Italian expression.
Chad: (lying in bed, hugging body pillow) Mm... substitute girlfriend.
Russell: (to Rauleen) You can't sound angry.
Jason: You should hear her when she's really angry.
Rauleen: I get bitchy.
Chris: (sighing) Me too.
Chad: [Angela's] at Bobbitt's house.
Jason: I was about to IM her and tell her to make you get off your ass and write your paper.
Chad: I am on my ass. (pauses) Oh. Okay.
Chad: Wow, you told Russell to fuck off earlier?
Rauleen: Yeah...
Jason: See what you miss when you go to Chad, Wal-Mart? (pauses) I'm so tired...
[This quote takes place after I had called about five people "Keith" over the past two hours. Keith was not one of those people.]
Chad: (struggling with a giant Goldfish carton) I couldn't open these in third grade and I can't open them now! Why can't they put them in something normal?!
Jason: [Chris] got his computer from a hospital.
Rauleen: Really?
Jason: Yeah, his uncle works there or something. I guess when a computer gets so old that patients start dying because of them, the hospital workers sell it off to a relative.
Rauleen: You... troublemakers.
Russell: Did you just say "triple meters"?
Rauleen: No...
Russell: Because I just heard "triple meters". Is that some sort of Filipino term?
Rauleen: Yeah, for "fuck off."
Jason: So... we've only had one quote from today, guys. I think we need to play more video games. (silence) Someone say something funny right now!
Chad: Vagina... (chuckles)
*Jason: Man, that was the worst $3 I've ever spent. Except for that time I bought that punch in the face.
Rauleen: I like caressing myself onto you.
Russell: (drunk, to Jason) I need to ask you a guy question.
Chris: (very drunk) I need to ask myself a guy question.
Russell: What's your guy question, Chris?
Chris: I want to have sex with Calculus Girl.
Russell: Wait; that's not a question. That's a statement.
Chris: I want to have sex with Calculus Girl?
Chad: How do you block in this fucking game?! Tell me, computer! Tell me!!
Jason: Try L or R.
Chad's Character: *explodes*
Jason: That wasn't it.
Russell: That was the "take it in the chest" button.
Chad: (to a boss in the Power Rangers video game on SNES) I fucking hate you and and your fucking family!!
Jason: (yelling, enraged) Sonofabitch goddamn fuckertit!!
Russell: What, it didn't save?
Jason: No! It works!!
Chad: Fuck his eyes.
Jason: Hmm... I wonder if my gamepad is broken.
Chad: Well, there's only one way to be sure... and that's to buy a new computer, and test it with that.
Chad: So I was doodling... I can't help it. I'm a doodler.
Chad: Hey, I wanna play space fish games as much as the next guy, but I have to go to class.
Russell: Argh! Now I'm in a bad mood!
Jason: Why, because of the axe-bombing?
Russell: No, that's not why... well, now that I think about it, I'm not in a bad mood.
Jason: (angry, to Chad) Everyone needs to hang out in our room, right now.
*Russell: (walks into room and farts loudly) Well... now this is a little awkward. Little bit embarrassed... I wish you wouldn't have done that, Rauleen.
Jason: Yeah, Rauleen, why'd you have to do that?
Rauleen: Wha-uh-what? How do you know it was me?
Jason: Because it smells like rice.
[Rauleen is Asian.]
Jason: Russell, picture Rauleen's finger in my butthole.
Jason: (looking at Cosmo with Rauleen) How old is Demi Moore, anyway? 45?
Rauleen: Actually, I think she's closer to 50.
Jason: Dressing like that... what a slut. (pauses) I think this magazine is stealing my masculinity... (turns page) Oooh, Shane West... I mean... (turns pages frantically) where are the boobies?! Ah, there we go. (leans in closer) Hey, is that a nipple?! (pauses) Ohp, that's a guy.
Rauleen: (collapses in laughter)
Jason: Rauleen, I have to skip Public Speaking to prove my love to you.
Rauleen: He can have a piece of cheesecake.
Jason: (yelling) Rauleen, you don't understand; I'M SELFISH! I need them!
*Rauleen: How longer... how many long... how much more longer...
Jason: How much longer is the movie?
Rauleen: Yeah, that.
*Russell: Don't play stupid with Jason and me. We're better at it.
Rauleen: I know I am!
*Jason: Okay, I'm gonna rape you now.
Rauleen: Okay.
Jason: (moves toward her) Rape, rape, rape.
Rauleen: Eek! Stop, you animal!
Jason: What did you expect? I'm raping you!
Rauleen: Yeah, but can't you be more romantic about it?
Russell: If I was filthy rich, I'd buy Chris a guitar, Nick season tickets to the Cardinals, and Ethan an immune system.
[Ethan had Viral Meningitis and then Mono one after the other.]
Russell: Steve, skip class. You know you'd rather be eating.
Steve: Well, yeah, I'd rather be masturbating than going to class; that's a sacrifice I make every day.
*Chad: (talking about avoiding finals) What I need to do is... kill myself on Monday, and have someone invent a cure for death on Wednesday.
Chad: I think the idea of wearing her letters on her vagina creeps her out.
Jason: Chad, let's go to Wal-Mart.
Chad: No.
Jason: Yes.
Chad: No.
Jason: Your German homework can do itself.
Chad: Well, the funny thing about that is... it can't.
Jason: I think we spent an embarrassing amount of time last night talking about Shaunte's period juice.
Jason: Chris, do you want to hang out with me while I crap?
Russell: So I've thought about it, and... fuck school.
Jason: How long did it take you to come up with that?
Russell: Um... Truman Week?
Chad: I don't think flowers grow very well in Kirksville. The only thing Kirksville grows well is... incest. And...
Jason: Disillusionment.
Jason: I wish I could be as carefree and stupid as Chad, and play video games rather than do my homework.
Chad: Um... I hate you.
Jason: Of course it has to rain on the day Rauleen and I are gonna go to a movie and then dinner.
Chris: Do you guys need a ride? Because I have an umbrella.
Nick: (Xtremely drunk) I'm gonna elf you in the ass.
Nick: (Xtremely drunk) You're taking my soul with your digital crab.
Chris: I tried to guess your password and your computer froze.
Chad: Thanks.
Chad: Yeah, I'll get her one of those, and then she'll see that I got them from Wal-Mart because she's going there later today, and then when I give it to her she'll say, "Wow, that's great... now go beat off, because you're not getting any tonight."
Chad: Do you have that little... book of secrets?
Chris: The phone book? Yeah, it's in my room on my desk.
Chad: Thanks.
Chris: [This 40ish, annoying woman who shares some classes with us] came in to class one day and said, "I did a real blonde thing the other day: I fell down some stairs."
Jason: That's Kirksville Code for "My husband beat the shit out of me last night for not getting the Chimmy Chaynguhs on sale at Wal-Mart."
*Russell: Time for dinner, bitch.
Chad: I'm skipping dinner; I don't have time.
Russell: How the hell can you not have time for dinner?!
Chad: Well, picture having time... this would be the exact opposite.
*Chad: I need a picture of my dog that doesn't look like Satan.
*Jason Bright: Why do you have to be back by nine?
Chad: Uh... a-drunk I would like to be.
Jason: Okay, so as one of only two people in our group with girlfriends here at Truman... I get first dibs on Nick's room while he's on the choir trip.
Chad: Oh, well in that case, I get to... murder Keith.
Chad: If I lose this next match, I'm seriously going to kill myself.
Jason: (watching him play) Come on...
Chad: What? You want me to lose?
Jason: I want two people in a three person room.
Jason: My laziness is the only thing keeping me from my procrastination.
Chris: How many times can you miss a block class?
Jason: I dunno.
Chris: Well, it's attendance-based, right? So how many weeks are in a semester? Sixteen?
Jason: I dunno.
Chris: Well, what did your professor say?
Jason: I dunno! Chris, you're talking to me like I'm a student.
Chris: (just guess) I am SCIENCE!
Chris: (still very drunk) I want my penis in Calculus Girl's butt.
Chris: (very, very drunk) I need a knife.
Steve: No, you don't.
Chris: (very drunk) I'm like moving but I'm not.
Russell: (still drunk and choking on a chip) I wish every time I breathed it didn't hurt like a chip.
Russell: (drunk) Chris, you stupid bulldozer. (pauses) Did I just call him a bulldozer?
Russell: Come on, Chad. Michaelangelo never had this much trouble with David...
Chad: Well Michaelangelo never made gum penises!
Jason: Urg... she's so old she has to wear short shorts to show off her cleavage.
Chad: Girls won't talk about sex like guys do until you break their wall.
Jason: Yeah, but then you have to wipe the blood off your dick.
Chad: Hey Chris, can you play some music that isn't, uh...
Jason: Screaming?
Chad: Yeah.
Chris: Oh, that's not gonna happen.
Jason: Hey, if gay sex wasn't natural, then we wouldn't be born with semen in our assholes.
Jason: Damn... maybe we should have gotten someone in our group that's not a racist.
Chris: I was accidentally a female, for like... ten minutes.
Jason: Wait, I know Tyler Fulghum! He's not black... or Eddie Murphy...
Chad: Well, I'm pretty sure I didn't jusy say, "My dad's afraid I'm gonna facefuck him." I'm also pretty sure I've never heard the word "facefuck" before.
Jason: Rauleen says you rock because you added her on Facebook.
Chris: Cool.
Jason: No, it's bullshit, because I added her and got crap about it!
Chris: Why?
Jason: She was all like, "Oh, so filling out your schedule was more important than adding me? You did that first!" And I was all like, "Yeah? Fuck off... Asian!"
Chris: Man, you guys have such a volatile relationship.
Jason: Well I didn't really say that, dumbass.
Chris: I drank a quart of milk today.
Jason: Um... congratulations?
Chad: Why, though? Was it for a dare?
Chris: No. I was at the radio, and it was gonna go bad, and it was pissing me off, so I drank the whole thing.
Chad: They call that in economics... I don't remember what exactly because I dropped the class, but the priniciple is that... when you're in a movie, and it sucks... you can leave... because you've already spent your money.
Chad: I have to wait for that stupid fat chick to leave before I can go down and do the rest of my laundry. (pauses in thought) Or, I could take out one sock of each of her pairs and burn it, and write "I hate you" in the ashes.
Chad: Is it illegal to send babies in the mail?
Chris: (asking about a music review) What was that quote again?
Jason: "Beefheart worshipping Scousers with a penchant for skiffle-ridden pop." Do you understand that, Keith?
Keith: Kind of, but... they don't sound anything like Beefheart.
Chris: What does Beefheart sound like?
Keith: Like... clarinets dying.
Jason: (asking about the previous slide in a Health lecture) What was that clipart for the "Friendship" slide just now? An elephant pulling down a tree with its trunk?
Chad: Yeah.
Jason: Well, I guess that's what friendship really is, in the end.
Chad: I don't want to go to class...
Jason: Yeah, neither do I...
Chad: What I need is just a one week break, just to get everything back in order.
Jason: What I need is to... kill one of my roommates, and then I'll get straight A's.
Chad: Not it!
Keith: Aww...
[What makes this quote so funny is that Keith's back was turned to us the entire time; we didn't even think he was listening, ha ha.]
Nick: There's no crying in baseball, and no pissing in poker.
Steve: (reading fortune from his cookie) "You will have a nice cake soon." Uh... what the hell?
Nick: (reading fortune from his cookie) "Time is money." What the fuck?
Jason: Well Nick, that's your future: time is money...
Nick: I think it's telling me to become... a clock... and then I'll be rich.
Nick: We need to call someone with a car and trick them into leaving their space so I can steal it. Who do we know with a car?
Jason: (sitting next to Chris) Hmm... Chris has a car, doesn't he? We'll just call him up and say... "Hey Chris, there's free... metal... down at the Kum 'n Go..."
[Chris is in a heavy metal band...]
Steve: Like wine, [memories] get older with time.
Chris: (completely drunk) I love MATH!!!
Chris: (still drunk) See, I'm not completely drunk because things pop into my head and I wanna say them, but I don't, like CHAIR!!!
Chad: It's like making out, only with poop.
Chad: Are those the cracker-things with the penis cheese?
Take me back to the new quotes!