Today our nightmare became a reality, we had to say good bye to Carol and lay her to rest. It is so unfair, and it's not right. She shouldn't have been taken from us, she shouldn't have gotten pancreas cancer. I ask what did she ever do to deserve this, what did we do to deserve to loose her. Was it that we loved her to much, why do people who hate their parents deserve to keep them. What did we do wrong? Why do we have to tell our kids that Grandma is their guardian angel? We all still need her so much. What are we going to do without her? I keep hearing we will adjust to living without her, but I don't want to. I want to call her and talk to her, I want visit with her and fall asleep watching TV.

I don't want to tell my kids that grandma is watching over them anymore. They prayed so much that she would beat the cancer, why couldn't their prayers be answered. All they wanted was to have grandma, they are so unselfish, they don't ask for a lot, didn't they deserve at least this.

I wouldn't say good bye to Carol today, I couldn't. If I say good bye she has to leave, but if I don't she can't leave. That may be selfish, but why would I want to say good bye, nobody has given me a good enough reason yet. Telling me that "She is special and God wanted her" doesn't work either, because that's exactly why we want her. We know how special she is.

I love you so much Carol.