The Terrorist Alert Has Been Raised To Imaginery Pink PlantThe Terrorist Alert Has Been Raised To Imaginery Pink Plant
I was recently in an airport, which is a place where aeroplanes take flight and land at. Why I was at an airport is about as unimportant as my addiction to red Nerds. (That is an entirely different blog for an entirely different time though, and of course I am lying.) The important fact that can be drawn from the fact that I was at the airport is simply this. The United States Department of Homeland Security has raised the terrorist alert to code orange. That's right, code orange. Y'know, like orange juice? (Not to be confused with OJ Simpson juice, which nobody should drink because...it will kill you.) The only logical conclusion that can be drawn from this is that the terrorists want to strike somewhere in the United States with giant oranges. Their plot might possibly involve orange juice, filled with pulp. I can not be sure about this, but for some reason I suspect it...because I'm like...smart and junk. Anyway, I have decided that I am going to magically usurp the position of Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. I figured I could do this because the forefathers made a special amendment (that's secret) for me to do whatever I want with the government. (If you're one of those wacky "detective" people who rely of "evidence", well you won't find any because the amendment was written in super special magical invisible ink that only I can see. HA!)
Anyway, I wanted to implement a new terrorist alert code to insure that the United States is protected from terrorist fruits. For once in the US government, the people will be protected by these horrible horrible fruits who were not only responsible for 9/11 and Vietnam, but for slavery, the Holocaust, and Celine Dion. So without further ado, I present the new terrorist alerts of the United States. Gone are the days of elevated "oh look it's almost election time, let's scare the people so they vote for us" orange alerts or the "nobody will ever change the alert to this because it's political suicide" blue alerts. Now we have a better system in place, or we will when it's implemented by the new and awesome person in charge. (Note to less intelligent readers: That's me!)
Code Potatoe: This is the lowest terrorist alert there is. It is also known (affenctionally) as the Dan Quayle alert. If you don't understand this joke, well I'm not explaining it you idiots who don't know how to spell potatoe. Anyway, when the United States is in Code Potatoe citizens should be on the lookout for people from Idaho. These people may actually be terrorists who shoot people with potatoe guns or otherwise cook Freedom fries or something. They aren't really dangerous though, that's why it's the lowest level. Duh! God, some people don't get things. Code Imaginery Pink Plant: This alert is higher than Code Potatoe because when the country is in code imaginery pink plant, it's more likely that people in San Fransico will kill you. They will kill you by being largely effiminate and making you change your clothing into something more fabulous! That's right, I made the lowest common denomoneter gay joke. It's okay though, I know a gay guy. I might even be friends with some, just like some of my Republican friends know black guys. Code Blueberry: If the country is in this alert, beware of blueberry muffins. This code is only for when the evil Blueberry Fairy declares blueberry flavored jihad on America, and thusly the Code Blueberry alert will not be implemented often. Just beware of any suspicious blueberries, okay? Code Eggplant: When we're in this alert, run away from anything that looks like an egg and/or a plant. The alert will be raised this high when I get tips about dangerous eggs. If you aren't careful during this alert, you might just be "scrambled" by "over-easy" terrorists. Or you know, you may die from corny puns. Whatever. Code Lemon: During this alert, all diet soda will turn into acid. There are no exceptions. All diet soda will be affected. This is because diet soda hates America and baseball and freedom. Espically baseball though. Also any text will be harder to read when in this alert. Haha! Code Lime: This alert makes all Sprite taste 12% more awesome. There isn't really anything dangerous about a Code Lime, it just sounds groovy. If a Code Lime is followed by a Code Lemon (or vise versa), a period known as "The Lymon Period" will magically occur for ten minutes. During this period, midgets will inject your taste buds with the awesome flavors of lime and lemon! I hear they are both really tasty, or so popular commericals on the television have told me this. Code Orange: Well, this one doesn't really change. A code orange means an elevated threat still. However, the meaning slightly changed with my version. The elevated threat I'm talking about is the threat of vampire oranges. WATCH OUT! Code Tomato: The country will never be in this alert, because nothing this terrible can happen. However, this alert is crafted for when everyone in the United States is forced to watch Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes. It would be a horrible day indeed that this alert would have to be issued, so let's hope the alert never gets this high.
That's it, praise Jesus and we'll always be in a Code Potatoe. Thank you for your time, remember to stay calm. Also remember that they want to kill you. That is all.
