How St. Patrick Defeated The Nazis And Saved ChristmasHow St. Patrick Defeated The Nazis And Saved Christmas
Yeah, you know that St Patrick's Day is coming up soon. Why, it's almost the 17th of March and here you are reading some stupid blog entry and being generally sober. (Shame on you!) Anyway, nobody knows the reason why we celebrate St Patrick's Day for real or why I started three sentences with a word and then placed a comma after that word. I know the answer to one of these things, and not the other. So let me tell you the tale of why St. Patrick's Day is really celebrated instead of the stupid official reason you've all been spoon fed.
First off, St. Patrick was born as Patrick McSaintton the III during World War II. Of course you wouldn't have known that, because his name was shortened to just St. Patrick by the customs people at Ellis Island. Anyway, Hitler just invaded Poland and St. Patrick was all like "Screw you guys!" So he flew to Poland and killed all the Nazis with his bare hands. Then Hitler was really mad and challenged him to an arm wrestling match. He said the winner would get a year's supply of Guinness beer. St. Patrick beat Hitler, and Hitler was so upset he killed himself. This is why people drink beer on St. Patrick's Day, because we are commemorating his awesome ability to arm wrestle and defeat crazy German people. Also, shockingly no ninjas were involved in any of this. Well not really. Remember how I said Hitler killed himself? Well, that's not true. Hitler was so upset about losing to St. Patrick that he flew to Japan and demanded they have a ninja kill him. Since Germany and Japan were like, allies or lovers or something, they did some weird resurrection ceremony to bring back some old ninja from the Middle Ages. Then the ninja killed Hitler, and went on a killing rampage soon after that's said to have inspired plots of many anime series, including Tentacle Furry Rape Death and Don't Tell Mom The Evil German Dictator Is Dead!
Also, St. Patrick saved Christmas one day when he was like really drunk. It's said he helped Santa out by shipping out Guinness beer instead of normal presents to all the boys and girls. The Guinness corporation said that this move was quote "brilliant." Of course, it kinda led to a lot of liver damage....but whatever.
So around the next year March 15th came around, and the ides of March were once again a bad thing. St. Patrick was killed by his follower, Judas Brutus McBendictt Arnold. However, nobody found out about this killing until March 17th, which is why St. Patrick's Day is on the 17th of March. Julius Caesar's spirit had this to say about the killing of St. Patrick, "Yo, dat foo straight out got capped. I told him not ta trust dat cracka, but does he listen ta me? No! Well, now we can hang out in my crib up here in da means streets of Heaven and we'll kick it with some hos! I'm out dawg! Oh, by da way homie.tell Las Vegas ta name casinos after me." After that the spirit of Julius Caesar reportedly got a call on his cell phone and asked the person on the other end (which I can only assume was the spirit of Caligula or something) where he was at, dawg.
So there ya go, I hope you learned something about yourself today. I know I did!
PS: My royalty check from Guinness is in the mail.
