When The Saints Come MarchingWhen The Saints Come Marching
Saints seem to be a dime a dozen these day, but that is another story regarding the "New Orleans Fallout of '76." (Which, of course, you know nothing about.) Anyway, before the whole New Orleans deal there were just a few saints. You may have heard of some of them. There was St. Patrick, a man who rose to sainthood by chugging ten kegs of green Yeager. Textbooks lie and say it has something to do with snakes. It has nothing to do with snakes. Have you ever seen a snake in Ireland? Didn't think so. Have you ever seen beer in Ireland? See, now it makes sense.
Then we have a great saint I'm sure everybody heard of. Or at least, you should have heard of him. So what about St Francis of Assisi, hmmm? I mean, this man single handedly built every Catholic school in the entire world. He doesn't really get enough credit though. I mean, it's not like this guy has his name everywhere. We should totally start naming everything after him, because he's seriously important.
I'm also sure you heard of jolly St. Nicholas, a man famous for giving deserving Christian children toy trains. Don't worry, he gives children of the wrong religions toys too! They're just not very good toys because they're made out of recycled elves. Anyway, everyone forgets about this man's bitter alter ego known as St. Nikola. St. Nikola once had a Russian write a book about war and peace.
All of these saints pale in comparison to the mighty St. Valentine. You mostly likely heard of this man, because he has his own day named after him and everything. St. Valentine was a wonderful man who created the Hallmark Corporation. Legend has it that he used the spilled blood of the savage Sioux tribe to create cards for his loved one. His loved ones were pleased by this, because blood soaked cards are always meaningful. This soon became a tradition afterwards, and now every February 14th young lovers send each other blood soaked cards. Remember, nothing quite says "I love you" more than the crimson ink of your fallen enemies!
