Japan Wants To Take Over The WorldJapan Wants To Take Over The World
You know, I’ve been an anime fan for a while now and a few days ago I just realized something that should have been obvious. JAPAN WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE FUCKING WORLD MY FRIEND! Yeah, I know what you’re saying….”Kirk must have mercury poisoning from putting all those thermometers he drinks out of.” I’m sorry; I’m addicted to drinking out of thermometers. Leave me alone, okay? However, this revelation is not part of my intense mercury poisoning. I can assure you it isn’t, because I have conclusive evidence to back up my point! Evidence I swear I didn’t doctor in the least.
Here is exhibit number one, this cute little promotional poster I found. I think the “Secret Japanese World Taking Over Bureau” made a mistake and sent me a letter. Unfortunately, they only sent this picture and they didn’t even bother to give an explanation. They didn’t even send any cute Asian girls over either, and that just made me upset. The bastards! So I thought everything was fine and dandy until I got another letter from these weird people. I would have told them about the mistake, but I figured they’d send evil ninja samurai pirates after me. Everybody knows how much I hate evil ninja samurai pirates too. Anyway, this was what the second letter contained.
When I first saw this picture I didn’t quite believe it. Although, it would explain the weirdo tentacle rape stuff that was drawn. Obviously that was the work of Satan. Meaning that Japan has obviously teamed up with SATAN to TAKE OVER THE WORLD. Don’t believe me? Well, take a look at this paragraph of the letter.
Yes Mr. Ujimato, JAPAN WILL SOON TAKE OVER THE WORLD soon because we got the help of SATAN. Oh by the way, my CAPS LOCK IS SPORDICALLY making me type in caps. Please fix it.
Disturbing news indeed. I don’t mean the whole taking over the world thing, because that sounds like a recycled Pinky and the Brain plot. I’m more disturbed about this guy’s caps lock problem. What if it becomes an epidemic for computers? We’ll have another Y2K on our hands, except this time it will be real AND IT WILL BE REALLY BAD. Oh great, now I think I have the caps lock problem. Anyway, I soon forgot about these two letters because I figured they were some sort of prank. That Asian mistress they sent me in the mail helped me forget too. Those Japanese people are so industrious, only they could fit a woman into a box and not have her die. I salute those crazy yakuzas with kamikaze honor. Or something like that. Anyway, I received yet ANOTHER letter from this bureau thing. Needless to say, I complained to the post office for not sending my Asian mistress package sooner. Fucking assholes. The contents of this next letter confused me a bit. Take a look for yourself.
For one, I think the Japanese got pupils and corneas confused. They’re so silly. I’m not sure what those crazy sushi eaters were thinking…or what they have against corneas. I think that the absence of a cornea represents….I’m not sure what it represents. That drawing is just kinda weird in that part. It’s probably some evil code or something. Also the umbrella thing can only be assumed because Japan is going to build a giant weather machine that makes it rain all the time. Not sure why, but I’m sure they will. I didn’t get any written letter here, but I did get some nice incense. These guys are so nice for caring, even if I don’t know who the hell they are.
This was interesting, and it sorta proved me wrong about the whole taking over the world thing. Plus it gave me some insight into a culture that has frequent monster attacks. I think I learned something today, send the plastic tanks after Godzilla if you want to be re-elected. Also I learned that Godzilla fucks everything up for Japan. They must hate that green lizard dude. Personally I thought Godzilla was always sort of cool. He was like this social outcast. I think he was on the cover art of that one Dead Milkmen album. Man, Godzilla is cool and he’s a punk rocker. The things you learn from strange letters.
