What I Want To Be When I Grow UpWhat I Want To Be When I Grow Up
I remember back in the days of middle school and grade school, people asked me the question what I wanted to be when I grew up. I’d always reply with lame retorts like a truck driver or something. Man, when I was a kid I really didn’t have high aspirations. I mean really, a truck driver? Pfft, anybody can do that. However, now that I am older and slightly wiser, I have come to realize that this very serious question needs to be answered very soon. Sadly, I can’t decide what I want to be yet. So as a privilege to you all, I decided to make a list of my options.
Faith Healer – I mean this one is just obvious. Why would I want to be a faith healer? Simple, you don’t need to go to medical school at all. Plus, you can makes tons of money ripping people off. It’s really simple if you think about it. You + pseudo-religion + gullible people willing to spend their money to be healed without medical involvement = money. Of course, this MAY be illegal in many countries throughout the world. Getting around that is simple though, just say that if you don’t get money from “patients” then god WILL destroy Russel Crowe’s career. This alone will send ANY law enforcer to see the errors of his/her ways, and he will proceed to give you money for healing his kidney stone using mandrake root and religion.
Who said new age cures were BS? Well, they may be BS….but they certainly rake in the money. So it’s not BS anymore, it’s B$. Bling bling!
Redneck – Now here’s something I have always aspired to becoming. Unfortunately, due to my parents NOT being related by blood I never got the chance to know what life would be as a redneck. Man, it really would be cool to be a redneck. I mean, I would get to watch NASCAR and make racial slurs and use bad grammar all day. Best of all, my sister will run slower than me and she sure is quite the catch. DARN TOOTIN’
Eurotrash – Another high aspiration of mine is to be Eurotrash. The only other way I could get away with wearing teal shorts and a pink shirt would be if I were gay, and let me tell you that hurts my bum. Look, I’m starting to become Eurotrash all ready! It would be smashing to be Eurotrash. If only I were, then I could listen to repetitive techno music and wear plaid skirts.
Ah, quell rêve je vis
The First Black President of the United States – Not only do I want to be the President of America, I want to be the FIRST black President of America. I know what you’re saying, “Kirk that’s impossible since you’re a cracka ass bitch.” Well I maybe a cracka ass bitch, but I do know I could always rub charcoal on my face. Then I will tell everyone I’m Wayne Brady and I’m running for President. All of Wayne Brady’s fans will instantly vote for me because, after all, I’m OBVIOUSLY him….and I’ll win in a landslide victory.
Then as President, I would try to get Congress to pass a law that makes realty and improvisational comedy shows illegal. Trust me, this will be for the benefit of everyone.
Nonconformist Goth – I’m not going to be a conformist like all you other conformists. When I grow up I’m going to get a sex change and wear a black hat which would match with all my other black stuff. Then I will write dark poems about my horrible life and keep a blog that nobody reads. This blog will be titled something like “The Dark Brooding Memoirs of a Soul Left in Isolation” and everything on it will be black. That’s right, EVERYTHING. You won’t even be able to read the BLACK font because the BLACK background makes it hard to see. Now, if you don’t mind I’d like to share some poetry.
The dark darkness of my soul is filled with shadowy darkness
And not a creamy filling like your conformist Twinkies
My soul is deeper than that, and I’m more creative than Twinkies
Because I wear a black hat that was previously worn
By a baby who was murdered by Satan
Fashion Punk – Oi oi oi up da punx! I really want to be a fashion punx. It’s so cool to have a Mohawk and wear leather all the time. As a fashion punx all I will do is write songs about da punx and beer, oh and anarchy of course. Also, I will start a band where I complain about the economic system in America. Then I will charge my fans twenty dollars for my albums and fifty bucks to get into my shows.
After doing this I will start a fanzine and call every other band a bunch of ‘posers’ because they were obviously ripping of my band’s music. Idiot punx.
