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"You don't go changing babies in the middle of a baby shit storm, but you should because IT'S YOUR FAULT BUSH WON!"
I would like to give a big shout out to all the voters who waited in lines to make their voices heard. Well, all the voters who voted for John Kerry anyway. If you threw your vote away to Ralph Nader or some other third party because you voted your "conscience", Anti-Flag will KILL YOU! If you voted for George Bush, you will be eaten by Michael Moore very slowly*. Fuck you people who voted for anybody but John Kerry! According to THE ONION John Kerry took his frustration out on an innocent lobster. You're responsible for this poor lobster getting hurt. I have contacted PETA and they are sending an army of animal lovers (literal animal lovers) to your house. These animal lovers will have sex with your dogs and cats, you asshole.
Youth turnout was down 99 percentage points because they were all playing this. I mean really, San Andreas? You didn't vote because of Grand Theft Auto? Don't you know there was a huge difference between these candidates? They weren't the same at all! Thanks to you idiots, the homophobic people who are homophobic because they are against gay marriage but support gay civil unions, the homophobic turnout was also down by an amazing amount. I think they were playing Jerry Falwell's "Kill That Fag"! So what we're really trying to say is, we aren't proud of anybody who didn't vote for John Kerry. If you considered yourself a punk before, we will shun you unless you voted for John Kerry. We will take all of your NOFX albums away too. We're pissed off at you fuckers. (America hates you by the way, so move to Canada you fucking idiot punks. Shove your stupid DIY signs and posters up your asses. Also, stop even trying to change things via music. It won't happen! We figured this out long ago, that's why we were just milking you morons out of money. Suckers.) There's millions of voter-registration efforts out there that are better than ours, like Vote For Me Elmo and P Diddy's Vote Or You Will Be Fed To This Hungry Boar campaign, but with your help we were able to accomplish something very different....LOSING THE ELECTON! Good job assholes, you lost the election for all of us. We were going to program robots to vote for John Kerry, but none of you damn punks even know how to program a robot. What kind of punk rockers are you? Back in the 80's when I was listening to DOA and the Dead Kennedys, I was able to make my own nuclear weapons. You guys are just idiot posers. God, I hate you. We worked with politicians and that George Soros fellow to get you to vote for our chosen candidate, AND IT DIDN'T WORK! STOP THINKING FOR YOURSELVES, YOU LITTLE BITCHES! We provided you with credible sources and facts to educate your friends and family members, like Michael Moore. It was great to make so much money ($$$) from you guys by selling you Rock Against Bush CD's. As you can see, he won the election. It's all your fault! You didn't buy enough Rock Against Bush CDs! How can you Rock Against Bush if you don't buy ten copies for yourself and fifty copies for your friends? You can't! We succeeded in making money, and you have failed this country. Remember, it's your fault...not ours. BUSH SUX!
We are horny, so all you bitch ass groupies best be coming in my tour van right now. Blah blah blah, support of the entire community of fashion punks. Huge thanks go out to the hundreds of bands that helped this effort, except for the Cherub Brigade of the Right Wing Crusaders. You guys were asshole Republican operatives, and your bear tasted like piss. Come to think of it, I think it was piss...and come to think of it, I think it was a bear too. Why the hell was I drinking a bear instead of beer? Fucking Republicans! You see, there is no limit to the Republican tricks! Over 600,000 bought Rock Against Bush Vol 1 and Vol 2, which isn't a large enough number. In 2008, when we release Rock Against Bush Vol 3, Vol 4, Vol 5, Vol 6, and Vol 7 you better buy 10,000,000 copies.... EACH! (You can't be punk if you don't.) Also, thanks to the millions of you that visit this website to help us achieve over 500,000 unique visitors a month! It's a shame that 75% of you are from other countries or are too young to vote, 10% didn't even vote, and 9% of you voted for the wrong person, and only 1% voted for John Kerry. YOU PEOPLE SUCK! Thanks for nothing, jerks!
We gave it our best shot, but we still failed. So for four more years, we're all going to make anti-Bush music. Also, Reagan Youth told me that the Republicans resurrected President Reagan to cheat in this campaign. Those assholes are cheaters! Senator Kerry today said we need to come together and heal as a nation, and he said he'll cast five Democratic Healing Of Ultimate spells to do it. ANGRY STATEMENT WITH A CURSE IN IT. There's no fucking way I am going to cast my punk magic spells on these [INSERT LONG STEROTYPE ABOUT REPUBLICANS HERE]. We live in an ignorant country filled with idiots who use stereotypes all the time. Stereotypes that just aren't true at all. We will not use punk magic spells on these...REPUBLICANS...because they think different than us and thus they are wrong. We fight them and everything they stand for, because we always need something to fight against. We aren't mature enough to make compromises or sacrifices, we just have to fucking fight against some cause because it completes our pathetic lives. They do not care about gay people (but we have sex with them), they do not care about sick people (we do, because we make them ill), they do not care about black people (hell, neither would we if they didn't vote for us), they do not care about poor people (neither do we, since we are rich assholes who are telling you what to do), and they especially don't care about a sandwich's right to have my penis on it. We may have lost the battle, shit we may have lost the war...but we are losing our minds. IT'S RAINING UMBRELLAS AND I'M SCARED MOMMA! HELP ME FROM THE UMBRELLAS! WE ARE RIGHT...THEY ARE WRONG...just because we seem to be the minority doesn't mean that they are the majority. We will continue to fight...Chun Li...and lose in Street Fighter...and try to have a good fucking time. With lots of fucking, mostly of gay people because we're the only ones who pay attention to them crafty homos. That's my plan anyway, thanx (Spelling like that is more punk) to you all, Fat Mike
PS: This is all your fault, this is all your fault, this is all your fault. Also, Bush stole this election even though he had way more votes than Kerry. VOTER FRAUD CONSPIRACY BLARGH!
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Vote Early And Vote Often, Also Capitalize All Words You Use In Your Sentences To EMPHASIZE A Point!
Bring Identification, Because We Need To Be Able To Identify You As A Registered Republican So We Can Destroy You
If you must register as a Republican, bring important information like social security numbers and also remember to write blank checks made out to Fat Mike! Republican swine!
If you aren't voting for who we want you too, don't even bother going!
Here is a list from the Democratic National Commission of what times each Republican voter will be sniped in various areas. If you are unsure of times when snipers will be in your area, paint a big fucking target on your shirt. www.dncsniperorganization.com Please stuff the ballot box as often as you can, because voter fraud is okay if it puts the right man in office!
Buy Albums On Fat Wreck
Visit My label. Type in various things, and vote for which album you want to be president. This website even has mp3s, and you can vote them as auditor general or something political like that! If you don't have the Internet, which you should to be able to read this website, call 666-my-label and we will sell you shit!
Important Phone Numbers:
666-MYLABEL1 (867-5309, Jenny we got your number!)
666-OUR LABEL (967-5309)
911 (911, If you are Republican stay on hold until polls close)
1-800-SEXYCLOWNS (Call for hot clown action)
All of these numbers are excellent resources for election problems (i.e., voting for the wrong guy) and also provide hours of excitement!
Text Messages Reminders: Vot 4 Carry Oar DYE!
If you don't vote (for Kerry), you will fucking die offers a friendly reminder of who to vote for, or your death will be quick and swift. You will get a text message on your cell phone on Election Day telling you to vote for the straight Democratic ticket, and if you don't it will send your information to the Democratinator, a Democratic robot programmed to destroy non-Kerry voters. You must sign up for this free reminder at VOTE OR DIE or you will die, as I just said you idiot.
Report Problems On Election Day To:
1-800-SEXYCLOWNS
www.sexyclowns.com
This $72.45/minute number is an effort of the Playmate Clown Commission, in accordance with the Larry Flynt Foundation For Red Hot Clown Excellence, to allow our civil rights of being able to call sexy clowns not be obscured by evil people like John ASScroft. Do you see what I did there? I changed John Ashcroft's name to John Asscroft, which makes me funny and original because nobody every thought of that before. Also, President Bush is a vagina and Vice President Cheney is a dick! HAHAHAHA! Fat Mike '08! Vote for me!
MAKE SURE YOUR VOICE IS HEARD, BY YELLING REALLY LOUD. IF NOBODY RESPONDS TO YOUR FIRST YELL, KEEP YELLING UNTIL SOMEONE THROWS A SHOE AT YOU. THAT'S THE ONLY WAY YOUR VOICE WILL BE HEARD! |
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Hear exclusive noise coming from the Punk Voter kitchen! Noise includes people who can't play their instruments, i.e., Punk Voter bands. Look in the "Music" section for it! Hey, get it? I put music in quotes because it really isn't music as much as it is noise! Isn't that funny? Haw-haw-haw, I slay me! (PS: Buy NOFX albums!)
Not every band can be a group of brothers. Sometimes, there are bands who aren't brothers. Despite what the HBO propaganda tells you, there's more than Bands of Brothers. You must let the public know this, it's your duty as an enlightened Punk Voter reader. (PS: Republicans are stupid, Democrats are smart.) Sometimes we have Punk Voter bands write guest columns about not voting for Nader or third parties because that would be throwing your vote away, or an article written with lots of capital MUSTS because IT MAKES YOU FEEL like you're ONE OF US. Some bands do Rock Against Bush shows, and then they throw rocks and/or rolls at pictures of "President" George Dubya Bush and are generally condescending to outside thought. When I place "President" in quotes like that, I'm questioning his legitimacy as President. And by condescending I mean to talk down to. So if you read all of this crap, you'll know this is why we started a section for Punk Voter bands who make music and/or bake us cookies and do us favors and thus get a feature on our site because we like cookies and favors and we especially enjoy run-on sentences! The first band that gave us a cookie is from Ultimate Piss-Bucket Records. Their name is Gruffy The Dust Collecting Walrus and they make exciting music like "Piss On A Cat", "Skullfuck The Little Children", and their classic "I Swear I Didn't Kill That Skelton Slut Officer, So Suck My Dick." Their tunes are so good I can hardly type this sentence without creaming myself! Oh damn, I need to change my underwears again. Anyway, go to Gruffy's site here:
http://www.gruffythedustcollectingwalrussuck.com/index.exe.jpg.org.html.gif.tif.exe+5
We have some guest columns written by mutants who came from the sewer city of Septicland. They hate Bush too, mostly because we gave them fifty dollars and told them to. These new columns come from Lucky the Wonder Mutant Hobo, a nice old mutant hobo who keeps begging us to write a song about him, Dancing Hamster Records hitmakers Exploding Liver Cancer, and the dreamy Pablo from Pablo's Dream Circus Of Dreams (Buy American). Read all about it in the Sunday papers...or this link:
http://www.punkvoter.com/guestcolumnsbyretards.retards.php
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Make your voice really funny sounding on Nov 2nd and pull a lever (for John Kerry) and hang Chad! (PunkVoter does no endorse hanging the country of Chad. Quite frankly, PunkVoter finds this barbaric American voting method to be stupid)
You better fight for your rights (to party)! If you don't fight for your right to party, then you just are un-American and you should move to Canada where those people live.
Here are a few Election Day tips to help make sure you vote for the right person. If we haven't brainwashed you enough by now, we'll have to do it some more.
VOTE FOR CAPS LOCK IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, THE SHIFT KEY HAS KILLED INNOCENT CHILDREN WHILE PERFORMING GAY MARRIAGES ON NON-CHRISTIANS WHO ARE ALSO HAVING ABORTIONS AT THE SAME TIME
MANY POLLS ARE ALREADY OPEN, LIKE THE "R U 2 KEWL 4 SKEWL?" POLL. MAKE SURE YOU VOTE ON THESE IMPORTANT POLLS AS THEY DETERMINE YOUR FUTURE. ALSO, THESE ISSUES MAKE THIS THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTON EVER (UNTIL 2008!)
Bring a copy of that one paper you wrote in the tenth grade about having sex with beavers. Yeah, we know who you are you sick fuck.
Many states ask you to not be high and or drunk when voting. If you are high and/or drunk, you may vote on which dancing peanut you wish to impregnate, but you may not vote for elected offices. So play it safe, get high or drunk when voting so we can keep making anti-Bush music. Thanx you guys!
Go to the correct polling place, you fucking idiot. I mean really, you would think that would be completely obvious but noooooooooooo! I hate you people and I hate America! NEW ZEALAND TAKEOVER OF AMERICA '04! WHAT WHAT?
Most polling places have changed since the last election. Some election distracts have been equipped with giant voting robots who scan your retinas and give you friendly hints of who to vote for. Make sure you aren't scared of them, they smell fear. In some states, they have installed frog voting machines. You simply have to hit a certain frog with a mallet, and it will be recorded as a vote for Kerry. Also new in some states is the pill-taking method. If you take the red pill, your vote will not count and you will stay where you are. If you take the blue pill, your vote will be cast as a vote for a random Democrat on the ticket and you will be transported to a pasture filled with unicorns and rainbows, but mostly free healthcare. If you take the green pill, you will have cast your vote for a spoiler and then you will be transported to Rod Stewart's colon. You also may notice several smaller pills with labels like "Green Party", "Libertarian Party", and "Constitution Party." Ignore these pills, as taking them will do nothing. Nothing except get an election official to beat you. Isn't that what voting is really about anyway? Not getting beat by election officials. Visit my amputee fetish porn website to find out what kind of sick bastard I really am.
Show up on time! Remember to wear a big fucking clock around your neck so you can do this!
You must vote during the time the polls are open! Why do we have to tell you something so obvious? It's because you're stupid redneck inbred fuckhead Americans and you don't know obvious things like that. If anybody but Kerry wins I'm so going to say I'm moving to Canada, but I'll just stay in California and complain more! Oh yeah, I bet this guy is never late for an election. This guy is never late for an election! So check yourself before you wreck yourself, either show up on time while wearing a big clock like that or DIE!
Do you have problems with your spleen?
If you have spleen problems, check out this website! It offers some cool tips of how to rid yourself of them.
Lawyers will be standing by to chase any ambulances they happen to see near them. If you are a medical worker and you have to drive an ambulance to get to the polling place, please don't drive in it. Unless you are voting for anybody but Kerry, then by all means let the lawyers run after your ambulance for an hour or so. Also, if you have a really stupid car you aren't allowed to vote. An example of such a person not allowed to vote can be found here. Seriously, your car is too silly. We can't take your vote seriously with such a silly car. Go away!
Remember, you have the right to eat bon-bons in fuzzy bunny slippers. You may not be arrested for eating bon-bons by police, because that would make the police chocolate fascists. The ACLU would jump on a case like that in a heartbeat, and would guarantee state's rights regarding chocolate for years to come. Also, it will allow marriage between vanilla and chocolate once and for all. I mean really, what kind of backwards country doesn't allow a vanilla candy and a chocolate candy to get married? I'll tell you, a REPUBLICAN COUNTRY! Did I say Republican? Let's back up for a second. I really meant Re-PUBIC-HAIR-ican! Hahahaha, take that George Bush! You see what I did there right? It's a joke about pubic hair because his last name is Bush! It's funny! Also, RED is the color of Communists, which are liberal, which means the Re-PUBIC-HAIR-icans are really liberals! So vote for them! Do it now! NOFX COMMANDS THEE!
There has never been a more important time to vote....hype about most important election ever....more hype....more hype....more hype.
PunkVoter.com is paid for by George W. Bush and the GOP to stop Democrats from voting for Democrats because we're a bunch of idiots. Vote Kerry! (PS: They failed doing that, because all of you idiots are too young to vote anyway.)
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Disturbed Anchor Sisters
Sun, Nov 07 Bumfuck, AR @ Cletusville Stadium
Tue, Nov 09 Sacrificed Virgins, RI @ Temple Of the Damned
Wed, Nov 10 New Old York City, NY @ Confused Volvo Mom Stadium
See a picture of fruits (dates)...
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