We arrived to this movie late, so the first five minutes or so of my time in the theater was mostly spent desperately trying to catch up with what we had missed. I hardly expected this brief confusion to be the most interesting part of the entire moviegoing experience. But life is full of surprises.
Wait, scratch that, actually the most interesting part of my moviegoing experience was when, during one of those tedious battle sequences, my thoughts drifted off to that Halloween party scene in Legally Blonde where Elle tells Selma Blair that she loves her "frigid bitch" costume but she should probably try looking less constipated. That scene ruled. Nothing in King Arthur did.
What exactly was supposed to keep King Arthur interesting? Was it the plot? Because...there wasn't really a lot of that. Arthur and his men go across enemy lines to save the pope's godson. Action sequences ensue. Then they decide to claim Britain from the Saxons. Action sequences ensue. Then the movie ends.
Were the action sequences supposed to keep it interesting? Because...those were pretty much 95% arrow slinging.
Was it the characters? Because...they didn't even let us know who half of them were supposed to be.
But what about the insightful dialogue? Was there dialogue? I certainly can't remember any of it.
And the style? This film is the blandest, most lifeless movie I've seen in a really long time. It flows out with all the urgency of, uh... evolution. And it's shot almost exclusively in shades of blue. Is this meant to signify that Britain is cold and ugly? Because I don't care. I want the rest of my primary colors. I spent $6.50 on this movie, and I demand that all primary colors be present.
The cast can't really be blamed. Clive Owen has a few speeches as King Arthur. It sounds like he means them. Ioan Gruffudd (whom you probably shouldn't remember from 102 Dalmatians) does what his can with his moody eyes to make up for Lancelot's near lack of a speaking role. Keira Knightly, meanwhile, strives valiantly to appear in as little of the film as possible.
The worst crime a film can commit, in my judgment, is blandness. And films do not come blander than this. Do not go to see this film. Do not rent this film. If you see this film on television, do not watch it. It exists solely to steal life away from you. |
