For, between shots of men showing off their well-defined and glistening bodies (hey, I ain't complaining about that) there ain't much going on. Here is a basic rundown of what happens in Troy.
-A fight lasting only 1 minute opens the film just after Brad Pitt shows off his glistening ass.
-A boring dinner party occurs. Orlando Bloom and his long flowing girly hair have sex with the wife of Troy's king... or emperor... or whatever.
-Brad Pitt walks around semi-naked, glistening with body products.
-Lots of computer animated ships sail. Not that much attention to paid to it, of coarse.
-Brad Pitt's naked glistening body is shown off shortly before Eric Bana gets his time to shine.
-Some misunderstandings occur. Ooh, a fight happens too.
-Brad Pitt shows off his glistening body shortly before wearing tie-dyed toga's and having sex with Rose Byrne.
-Some sort of fight occurs. Peter O'Toole has the best seat in the house.
-Silence. Brad Pitt's body glistens.
-"U-Huh!" The dude from The Fellowship thinks he's smart.
-Dumb Greek's do some dumb stuff while Brad Pitt's six-pack glistens in the moon-light.
-Orlando Bloom (And his long-flowing girly hair) is a coward with a good body.
-Brad Pitt glistens.
...To be honest, I enjoyed watching Brad, Orlando and Eric strut their stuff. But I do like some form of meat on the bones. This movie was just monotonous and boring speech scenes followed by scenes that look like B-grade Lord Of The Rings knock-offs. Are we really that bored with computer generated armies? If it's done as pedestrian as it is here, then yes.
The screenplay by the writer of the excellent 25th Hour (starring Edward Norton and Rosario Dawson, see it!) wrote this hunk-a-junk and it boggles the mind that the writer of the "FUCK YOU!" scene wrote all these clunkers. Here's some examples.
"Before my time is done I will look down on your corpse and smile."
and
"I thought it was you I was fighting yesterday, and I wish it had been you."
oy, vie. That Brad Pitt glistens so well is good because without that he'd be DOA.
The only people who manage to get out of this debacle with some shred of dignity is the legendary Peter O'Toole, who actually legitimately gives a good performance. I'd love to have seen him if the material actually challenged him, or the other performers were up the task of competing with him. Eric Bana, so awful in last year's Hulk makes up for it here, sort of. Not anything great but better than that green mess. And let me cry out for Julie Christie. Absolutely wasted here in a 5 minute cameo. What a shame, as she is simply the best thing about this impish "epic." Oh, apart from Eric, Brad and Orlando's glistening muscles.
D, and what the fuck was with that score? Enya should be payed royalties on that assassination of the ears.
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