ANDREW'S TOP NINE
Eventually this will mean more to you than your own children.
9.
HARDCORE. STYLISH. ACTION. It seems like the tagline of a shlocky Japanese videogame featuring a demonic anti-hero with white hair (and, actually, it is), but it also perfectly describes Robert Rodriguez's breakout Mexican action flick. Desperado bleeds style from every one of its orifices, from its oozing ears to its pustuling anus. The plot is standard stuff - Antonio Banderas is in search of a certain someone who's crossed him in a particularly bad way in the past. Along the way he teams up with Salma Hayek, whose character is in the vein of The Sexy Librarian/Museum Curator/Bookkeeper (see: Rupert Giles), and in their search for that guy who pissed Antonio off, they do lots of cool things. Like walk away from explosions in slow motion! And kill a LOT of people in amazingly choreographed shoot-outs! Rodriguez directs the hell out of this thing, keeping the stylish action as relentless as he can. Quentin Tarantino's cameo was a little shameless, but it's not like he was in every scene. Desperado is pure badass through and through; you'll love it. Shut up, you will. And if for nothing else, rent it for the Guitar Cases of Bloody Death.
8.
The western world's fascination with Japanese culture (which may or may not have something to do with naive lolita asian hotties in schoolgirl outfits and pigtails) shows through with the success of Spirited Away, which is simply put, an animated movie that will take your breath away and won't give it back until you're a gasping, blue-faced wreck of a human being on the brink of a torturous death. It tells the story of Sen, an in-your-face spunky little girl who is in the midst of moving to a new home, but not before taking a detour through a trippy alternate dimension with dragons and ghosty things that devour everything in their transluscent stomachs. Which I wish everyone had. Spirited Away is amusingly whimsical, fun, adventurous, thrilling, and if you don't start to care about Sen at SOME point during the film then you are a worthless, worthless shell of a man/woman/gender indeterminate.
7.
If 'Alien' spooked you with its tense, moody atmosphere and its small but horrifying dosages of alieny carnage, then 'Aliens' will rip out your balls with its verocious and UNBEARABLY TAUT ACTION. If you don't have balls, then just substitute it with ovaries. Am I going too far in my descriptions about what movies can hypothetically do to harm you? (the answer is no) Elaborate action sequences are pretty much what this film's about, although it's surrounded by things your average action movie doesn't have. For instance, side characters worth giving a damn about. The commandos, while pretty much stereotypes, are still likeable enough; they've been given decent dialogue and the casting is spot-on. Hudson and Vasquez in particular are way awesome. In addition, an emotional element has been added in between all the death and shooting, which seems hokey and fake in most action films, but it works to a great degree in this one. Newt is just so cute! And Ripley lost her daughter! And there's a whole surrogate thing there! Ripley is pretty much one of the greatest heroines of cinema, and Sigourney Weaver damn deserved that Oscar nod. If balls-out action is your thing, you've probably already seen this and know how awesome it is, and therefore you've wasted time reading this that would have been better spent watching Aliens for a fiftieth time. Shame.
6.
Pretty much all the entires on this list are respected by serious moviegoers, casual moviegoers, critics, and cinema snobs. Mysteriously, Clueless does not belong within the pantheon of Highly Regarded Cinema, which, as the spunky blonde heroine of this movie would say, is a travesty on part of the legal profession. Or whatever. Clueless is fucking awesome. It's a modern-day retelling of Emma, minus the dry British wit. Yes, the comedy of Clueless is, shall we say, broad. But the whole movie is just so charming, light, breezy, and likeable that you don't really care. It's like that friend of yours who, while not as deep as your goth emo friend with scars on his wrists and the words 'CTHULU UNDERSTANDS ME' tattooed on his chest, can always make you smile no matter what mood you're in. Alicia Silverstone gives the performance of her career as Cher Horowitz, who may seem your average ditzy blonde, but she proves you wrong, my friend. She proves you wrong. Cher is smart as a whip, socially conscious, and willing to put others above herself. She's really quite an admiral character, despite what the ad campaign for the movie may have told you. Also? Alicia has never looked better. Then there are her wacky (but enjoyably so) friends, which include the gorgeous Stacey Dash as Dionne, and the cute, not-yet-a-crackhead Brittany Murphy as Tai. Cher, Dionne, and Tai get into wacky situations like setting up teachers to up their grades, making cameos at 'the Val party', rating the hunky waiters at local restaurants, having sex with their boyfriends in cars after a violent chase on the freeway, and falling down stairs. The movie is immensely quotable, and Cher's argument concerning the Haitians acceptance into America is truly one of the greatest moments in fictional debate that has ever graced the silver screen. It's a sweet, funny movie with a well deserved cult following. It doesn't take itself seriously. And take a gander at Clueless' sequel-in-tv-series-form, Miss Match, which sadly was not long for this world. Or don't. Whatever.
5.
So adorable. That's what I kept saying to myself during the entire film. Everyone is so cute! The fish! The octopi! The seaweed! Even the sharks were cute! And it helped that one of the sharks was Eric Bana, of course. Finding Nemo was, quite deservedly, one of the biggest successes of 2003, and it's very easy to see why. It's a genuinely touching story of an overprotective father fish literally scouring the earth to find his son, the titular Nemo. Nemo and his dad are, of course, joined by quirky side characters. Did I mention that everyone was so cute? This is a Pixar film, and it IS aimed at adults, so we all know how the search for Nemo will end. But that's alright, because As The Saying Goes: it's not about the destination but about the blah blah blah. Despite the title, the true star of the film is Dory, the impossibly charming and likeable clownfish who has the same memory condition-disease-thing that Guy Pearce in Memento has. She accompanies Nemo's dad in his trek and gets him into SO much trouble OMG! And all this trouble leads to Dory reciting a very touching speech about memory and how being around Nemo's dad doesn't make her like Guy Pearce anymore. But if you ask me I'd like Ellen Degeneres a lot more if she looked like Guy Pearce (lol). I don't think I've mentioned enough how cute everything about this movie is. It's a refreshing summer movie with charm up the wazoo. Buy it and LOVE IT.
4.
Seeing Jurassic Park in theatres for the first time was perhaps one of my most beloved childhood memories. It's a film that has stuck with me ever since its opening in 1993, like a cherished fuzzy baby blanket, only with less snugglies and considerably more brachiosauruses sneezing on little children. Jurassic Park is about some sort of futuristic theme park with cloned dinosaurs, and DNA, and Samuel L. Jackson, and the fatty from Third Rock From The Sun. There's also Sam Neill, Laura Dern, and who cares about all of them because DINOSAURS! WEE! The SFX are really the star of the show here. The first time that the audience (and the characters) see a brachiosaur eating from an impossibly tall tree, it's truly an awe-inspiring, wonderful moment. But Jurassic Park isn't all about idyllic dinosaurs eating leaves. It's also about impossibly vicious velociraptors ganging up on cows! And chasing children through kitchens and getting locked in freezers! It's a thrilling, thrilling movie, followed by a slightly lesser sequel and even lesser threequel. Jurassic Park still remains as The Best Dinosaur Movie Ever, and I'm willing to fight whoever disagrees with me (probably Scott or Mark) to the death.
3.
Poor Guy Pearce. All he wants is for somebody to love him and his bleach blonde hair, but instead he has to track down the killer of his dead, dead, dead wife. And, also? He has no short term memory. I know, I know, you're thinking "Wacky sitcom!" but what's actually presented to us is a thoughtful, well-paced drama thriller with an extra dose of Carrie-Ann Moss goodness for our troubles. The whole tale unfolds backwards for no real reason, but that's okay, because it works, and it keeps the audience interested. Guy Pearce is a great actor, and pulled off the "I'm really confused :(" shtick (in pretty much every scene in the movie... ever) flawlessly. But who I really liked? Was Carrie-Ann Moss. Good lord, her character was bitchin'... in every sense of the word. That scene where she told off Guy Pearce and his dead, dead, dead wife should be in every movie, every tv show, every commercial, every song, every music video, and every advertisement ever - because it was JUST THAT GOOD. Hell, this movie would be in the top 10 anyway if the rest of the film sucked and that one scene remained intact. Man, that was awesome.
2.
It's scary, it's funny, it's hip, it's pop culture, it's iconic, it's the starting point of the late-90s slasher revival craze, it's a bitch, it's a lover, it's a child, it's a mother, it's a sinner, it's a saint, it does not feel ashamed. Also, a lot of gay guys seem to like it. Works for me.
Like you're surprised.
If you were to walk up to me and tell me that you thought Kill Bill was a mediocre film with no redeeming values, I would kill you where you stand. Well, not really, but I'd run away in tears, because NOBODY should think that Kill Bill is mediocre in anyway. It's films like this that make you think "Why can't all of cinema be so crazy and stylish and violent and inventive and fun and weird and awesome?" Because not everyone is as wonderful as Tarantino, my friends. I know, I know, it's boring to praise Tarantino, but for once, he's an acclaimed director that's actually worth all his acclaim. He really knew what the fuck he was doing. Kill Bill is everything. It's a revenge movie, a samurai movie, a western, a kung-fu flick, a Brian DePalma-style thriller; but at it's heart, it's a love story. A really twisted love story that involves the leathery guy from Kung Fu: The Legend Continues, but that makes it even greater. It's an electric blend of the western world and the eastern world - and it's a great blend, at that! (not that i'm biased about that sort of thing lmao) Uma Thurman - wait for it - no really, wait for it - is amazing. Completely bad ass, sexy, funny, nobody else is Beatrix Kiddo or could ever hope to be. But while Uma is indeed great, Daryl Hannah completely steals the show in their fight-off chapter ("Elle And I"... omg pun). Elle Driver is such a fucked up psycho bitch, and Daryl pulls it off as naturally as breathing. And apparently Daryl and Uma hate each other in real life, so let's hope that this means they totally trash trailers and that Uma plucks out one of Daryl's body parts whenever they meet.

Oh, did I mention this movie is so much better than everything that's ever happened up until the point of it's two releases? There, I said it.
Go the boring 'straight' route.
Experiment with me for a while. :)
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