I know the Resident Evil games pretty much inside and out. I know how to beat the Tyrant with nothing but Chris Redfield's pocket knife and a lot of luck. I know how to escape from Nemesis' wrath without so much as a dent in your health meter. During my early teen years, I ate, drank, and breathed Resident Evil. So it may come to a surprise to some (and by that I mean no one, because no one asked or really cares') that I didn't think that the Resident Evil movie was a big pile of shit.
Which a lot of RE gamers (and regular snobby movie goers like Glenn and Simon) thought. It had no characters from the games, only vague references and zombies. It wasn't gory, it wasn't intentionally funny, it wasn't quite anything. It was an action shooter adventure thriller horror... thing. With Milla Jovovich in a tight red dress that is inexplicably ripped at the right place to show off her thighs. Yes, it's dumb. Yes, it's poorly written. But what most people (elitist australians) fail to realise is that Resident Evil is just a really fucking fun good time.
Let's start off with the acting. Milla is fine as the bad-ass amnesiac chick with really good hair and a tendency to not wear conservative clothes. Michelle Rodriguez is fine as another bad-ass chick, but is the polar opposite of Milla's character, what with the bad hair, non-amnesia and non-binding clothing. Which, I guess, is fine. Milla and Michelle are then joined by a cavalcade of hunky guys who don't really have many important lines or things to do, save for Eric Mabius and James Purefoy (who, incidentally, happens to be one of the sexiest men alive. I mean, you could look up the word 'scorching' and you'll probably see a picture of his face next to, like, a picture of the surface of the sun). I don't think anyone was expecting these actors to bust out mind-searingly, emotionally fragile tour-de-force performances. They yell at each other, they scream, they shoot guns, and they look cool doing it.
Where's the bad, here?
I guess I should talk about the plot? Or if you will, the "plot". Umbrella is this bad-ass conglomerate who appears friendly to the world but is actually an insidious manufacturing coporation making viral weaponry and genetic monstrosities beneath the surface of the earth, much like Microsoft and Coca Cola. One of their underground scientific bases, cleverly called "The Hive" (because the workers are the drones... get it? and the drones serve the Queen... get it? and the head-honcho computer is called The Red Queen... do you get it yet? ARE YOU GETTING IT? THERE'S A WHOLE INSECT ANALOGY! DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND?!) goes awry when a virus is released that turns the worker drones into zombies. And then more stuff happens that leads to a commando team getting eaten by said zombies, and along the way they're joined by the world's sexiest amnesiac, who inexplicably busts out the karate moves without so much as a hair out of place on her perfect, perfect head.
But who cares about the plot and the acting when the movie is just FUN, FUN, FUN? How are you supposed to take a zombie movie such as this seriously? The Resident Evil games themselves were shlocky, b-movie hilarity. While Resident Evil does have some tense, genuinely surprising moments, it remains a pure popcorn flick for those who don't mind a bit of violence. And violence there is, although it's not quite as explicit or exploitive as the Romero flicks that the movie draws inspiration from. But there's the tightwad MPAA for you.
But where the MPAA is surprisingly leniant on is the state of Milla Jovovich's clothing.
The movie wanders from Milla waking up naked in a shower, to Milla prancing around in a tight red dress, to Milla in a punk rock leather jacket, to Milla out of the punk rock leather jacket, to Milla soaking wet in her tight red dress, to Milla completely naked save for a couple of strategically placed paper sheets. Do you think that, um, the director has a crush on her, or something?
But wardrobe aside, Milla did rock this movie pretty hard. She has a really commanding presence, and is kinda purdy, too. Character-wise we don't get much, aside from the fact that She Is The Herione Who Drop Kicks Dogs In The Head. Which is fine. We all need to injure animals once in a while. The ending was such an obvious lead-in to the sequel, which I will no doubt see the SECOND that it opens. So we'll probably learn about good ol' Miss Dog Drop Kicker some more come September.
When all is said and done, what you have here is an enjoyable zombie-action flick that's fun, punk rock, cheesy, and very worthy of a DVD rental, if you haven't allowed yourself to see it. There's certainly worse movies out there for you to spend your money on. And just ask yourself, do any of those movies prominently feature Milla Jovovich's perky nipples? And despite what Mark says, I am NOT a sociopath.
MILLA-TASTIC....
