There's some boring blather about Jeremy being in the film three times, while in the movie, a cool intro sequence plays explaining how Umbrella=Microsoft and how the general public=ignorant fuckers. The commentators note that Jason Isaacs (sexy british actor who specializes in playing villains, check him out in the Harry Potter films as Lucious Malfoy) wasn't paid for it and blah blah. Let me give you, as the kids say, the 411: this commentary rules because of the hilarious stuff that randomly comes out of Milla and Michelle's mouths, not because of the production notes. You might wanna keep that in mind, Jeremy.
There's a wicked shot of a laboratory being pulled towards the screen surrounded by black, which is explained by boring Jeremy. And like, what did I just say, Mr. Bolt? Milla, in the background, shrieks "What about the me-getting-fucked-in-the-ass shot? Let's get to that!" Heh. Doing his best to ingore that, Jeremy goes on to continue to explain how the shot came about and blah blah. Michelle jerks off Paul saying "Yeah, I think [the shot's pretty awesome]." Right on cue, Milla cuts in with the first of many appearances by The Valley Girl Accent. "I think it sucks," she snots while Michelle laughs, "Honestly? I think it would be much better if I was there..." Everyone pretty much plays up on the whole Milla Is A Self-Important Diva angle until Michelle mispronounces Milla's last name (with a hard J instead of a soft J... and omg now she's gonna get it), which SETS HER OFF. Okay, not really, but it does bother her, in the same vein that people making fun of Canada bothers me. I guess.
On film, viral-stealing-stuff happens. It's all very well shot. Milla then describes a Blair-Witchy Resident Evil commercial that I never saw, while Jeremy again tells some boring production stuff that nobody cares about, but what probably care about if Jeremy weren't so boring and vanilla. While the viral-stealing guy rushes through the Umbrella lab and causes some random shmuck to spill coffee on himself, Milla laments the fact that she hasn't seen one commercial for their film on the night before opening. Then Jeremy blahblahs about Fox not buying their ads, and suddenly Milla IS SET OFF AGAIN.
Milla: Yeah, Michelle, [the audience] MAY have seen the movie already before watching the commentary.
Michelle: MAY have? When I bought Freddie Got Fingered I totally went to the commentary first.
Snicker. Michelle has a cool sense of humour, and possibly a penis and scrotum where a vagina should be. She'd fit right in at the EBHFB. While the virus is let loose in the lab and all the wee scientists and lab workers freak out, Milla tells a cute story about her and Paul watching the dvd for Life of Brian (in between Paul's face being smooshed into Milla's cockbox, I'm guessing) and going straight to the colour-bar-test-pattern part of the DVD. And while quirky and weird, it's also inappropriate because PEOPLE ON SCREEN ARE GONNA DIE!!!
Michelle: When you see a bunch of people on a computer screen you just KNOW they're gonna get screwed.
Milla: [snickering] Yeah... I looove to see people get screwed on screen.
There... are no words. Except "I LOVE IT". Dogs bark viciously and people in elevators freak out. In the movie. Not in the commentary. Yet. Following Milla's bewildering but awesome outburst, there's a strange silence between the four of them. I guess they wanted to see how the opening scene played out. So, yeah, scientists are scared about being drowned or crushed to death in an elevator or being suffocated by deadly gas.
Then out of nowhere Milla chimes in: "If you guys let this movie be a huge hit and this movie have huge sales WE'LL ALL GET BREAST ENHANCEMENT SURGERY." Ooh, even Paul? Everybody laughs their asses off, and Michelle adds "Milla Jovovich will get butt impants", once again pronouncing her last name with a hard J and thereby setting off the Wrath of Jovovich for a second time. "Jovovich! We made a movie together, for christ SAKE." Poor Milla. Will nobody understand the pain and burden of being a hot supermodel with an often mispronounced last name?
People in an elevator die. It's wicked unpleasant. "Look at that! That is sick," Michelle exclaims, "That is my nightmare, to just get dropped like that." As another elevator on screen freefalls down an elevator shaft (as opposed to, say, a hotdog shaft), Michelle ponders the possibility of surviving such a disaster if you "jump before it hits the bottom." Milla and Paul immediately debunk that as false, because they've been caught in numerous elevator accidents while having anal sex in them. And not once has jumping before it hit the bottom worked! And, there were some jokes here I wrote about jumping and hitting the bottom and elevator shafts and Paul giving it to Milla through the backdoor, but it's all better left unwritten. And to your imagination! Then everyone makes fun of Paul for being in an elevator accident as a little boy (probably not having anal sex, though).
Elevator scientists freak out because everyone in the office complex is dead, while the commentators make fun of them, because cruel death at the hands of an emotionless super computer=hilarity! Paul explains how terrifying it was to shoot this scene. The elevator ALMOST decapitates the girl caught between the elevator doors, but doesn't, and omigod, so needlessly wicked. As she gets decapitated for real, Milla and Michelle transform into frat boys (which wouldn't be much of a stretch for Michelle) and scream "YeeeeAAAAAH!!"
Cut to Milla (who on-screen will be Alice, so you and I can avoid confusion). She's nekkid as the day God made her. Michelle calls Milla a ho for being so lax about on-screen nudity, and then they make out. When they're done, Michelle is all inquisitive about stuff.
Michelle: Hey wasn't there controversy about the gas, here?
Milla: [after a beat] Well, I did pass gas in this scene...
Me and everyone else laugh and laugh. Fart jokes sure is funny, ahehe. Nothing more is made out of what Michelle is talking about, so... whatever. Jeremy tries to talk about yet another boring production note and Milla, fed up with all the attention that isn't on her, butts in like the full-throttled diva she is (as The Valley Girl): "Okay listen guys, to MY commentary now. This... this is me... wakin' uuuup... and rememberiiin stuuuffff..." Michelle and Jeremy laugh off their toned/flabby asses (I have a shiny nickel for anyone who can correctly guess which ass belongs to which!) as Alice stares at her naked self in a mirror. Amnesia also brings the funny. As Alice nakedly puts on a gorgeous silk robe, Paul tries to explain how all of Alice's flashback scenes are "computer grated", or something, and guess who interrupts?
"Can I just say.. who cares about that? You just saw my nipple. For god sakes, I mean, no one cares about the grading? [Paul laughs and laughs while Michelle inquires about the gas... again] All I can say is, how committed am I to this picture? That was like, a full-nipple shot."
Except that it wasn't Milla, and we only saw your tit from the side. Cheat. It was half of a ta-ta. It was a ta. Paul: "If you were really committed we would have seen both nipples." Heh. I like Paul better than Jeremy; he's a lot more witty and interesting. But he probably sees enough of Milla's nipples when he's sucking on them like a ravenously thirsty infant during elevator accidents, so I don't know what his deal is. Meanwhile, Alice walks around in a beautiful bedroom looking very confused. BECAUSE SHE HAS AMNESIA!!! In retaliation of Paul's dual-nipple fantasy, Milla switches on The Flaming Queer accent: "Listen, we have to have... some CLASS in this movie. We have to have just a little bit of class, I mean honestly!" I think the fact that this movie is about an amnesiac super powered femme-fatale soldier in a dress snapping zombie necks between her thighs in a secret underground lab run by a Microsoft clone may or may not have robbed it of whatever potential class it could have had, Milla. I'm just saying. I LOVE RESIDENT EVIL 4 EVA !! There's some banter between the four of them about nipples and butt implants, and it's very cute until Jeremy suddenly says the word "Farric" or "Pharric" or something like that for no reason, followed by silence. The hell? I hate Jeremy.
On screen, Alice eyeballs an unsettling note written on a dresser drawer. Recovering from the awkward silence, Michelle once again wishes to narrate the movie, only this time doing it in Annoying Rapid Question Mode: "So what's up? What's the deal? Why is she by herself? Alone in a mansion?" Milla and Paul pretty much slap her ass down again as Alice writes below the written note to see if her handwriting matches, which I think is a cool little touch. Paul notes the massive continuity error about the note which I actually find interesting (probably because Jeremy didn't say it), as Alice discovers AWESOME HIGH-POWERED GUNS in her dresser drawer. Hell yes! If I could find a few AK-47s amidst my undies everyday, life would be exponentially more enjoyable. There's a code in Alice's drawer that one has to input to get the weapons, which is also a cool touch, because it's so videogame-y. Everyone notes how Michelle loved the guns and used them as dildos. Okay, not really, but Michelle really does like guns a little too much.
"Michelle went up with all the kids into the attiiiic..." Milla remembers fondly. Huh? There were kids? Why were kids on the set? And why was Michelle leading them into the attic of a haunted Nazi mansion? To show them her dildos? Answers are what we don't get, unfortunately. On film, Alice is spooked by a door suddenly opening. Jeremy talks about how "padded cells and one way mirrors" were all over the mansion, which causes Milla to shiver. "We shot a bit of Enemy at The Gates around here, but I hope we have better box office than them." Okay, heh.
Alice, meanwhile, walks out of the mansion and into the creepy courtyard, while looking fabulous. I guess this was around the time when she did publicity stills for the film, because her hair looks awesome. Not like the gross, ratty mess that it becomes later in the film. But enough of me gaying around! Michelle: "You're walking around the set and it says beware of freakin' mines. That was sick. This set was SICK." In case you haven't picked up yet, Michelle enjoys using the word 'sick' to describe everything, ever. CG crows spook Alice. And they totally looked real, so kudos to the visual effects team. Alice is spooked by many things, it seems, the latest of which is a swirling wind headed right for her. Michelle likes it because "That's Resident Evil right there. It's all about the quiet subtleness." Uh... not quite. Resident Evil isn't about swirling winds and artsy shots of swirling winds, it happens to be about shooting dead, disgusting mutations in the head. Atmosphere certainly plays a part in the game, but it's nowhere near as subtle as... artsy wind shots.You know, Michelle talks a lot about having played the game and understanding what it's about, but I think she's just posturing. I think she played the game once, got frustrated by its controls, got eaten by zombies, and lied/bragged to everyone about how hardcore she was. But that's enough of that.
Alice is inappropriately manhandled by an out-of-nowhere "cop" named Matt (played by Eric Mabius, who Simon knows from The L Word... pervert), as he drags her back into the mansion. All the quiet subtleness that Michelle talked about is thrown out the window (or, more accurately, crashed through the window many times accompanied by exploding mines and a metal rock soundtrack) as commandos and mines and explosions and shattered glass suddenly invade the screen. Michelle: "That's Metal-America, man. You gotta satisfy the charts, baby." Satisfy the charts? Milla: "Why do I have a feeling that our songs are never gonna get on the charts? Slipknot, hello? You can't get anymore, kinda, left-field." Which is true. Michelle chastizes Milla for insulting Slipknot, which she didn't, and aaagghh when can we get to the part of the commentary where Michelle is awesome and not somewhat of a dolt? It's coming up, I swear.
On screen, commandos are arresting Matt and manhandling Alice. Why is everyone manhandling her so roughly? I understand she's an attractive woman, but hello to the courtesy. Milla wants to let everyone know that the manhandling commando was Colin Salmon (tall black guy)'s character but at that moment was played by Martin Crewes (short white guy). "Martin's maaanly," Michelle coos. Well, he's not unfortunate looking.
More commando stuff happens, which eventually leads to them deciding to bring a handcuffed Matt and a non-handcuffed Alice along with them into 'The Hive. I have to admit that when I first watched this movie, I was a little put off by the sudden shift in the mood. I mean, first it was dark, moody suspense, and then all of the sudden EXPLOSIVE COMMANDO ACTION WITH KUNGFU GRIP!!!!11 But I suppose it's best that Paul did it early on in the movie instead of like, halfway. And I do hate when movies switch moods/genres halfway. One of those movies may or may not have starred Quentin Tarantino and Selma Hayek and a bunch of vampire strippers and a fat asian kid. Yeah. The music playing here is very loud, and industrial rock, but I do like it. It's fitting. Cuz it's all metal and cold... and the commandos are all fascist... and so on. On screen, Matt shrieks to Michelle's character (from now on known as Rain) "YOU CAN'T DO THIS!" which prompts Rain to take off her helmet/mask and respond, "Blow me." See, people, the seeds of her transexuality were planted in the movie long before Michelle admitted it in the commentary. But Rain is no Vasquez, who was Queen (king?) of the Transexual Butch Action Heroines Who Eventually Die. So don't even try to be like her, Rain, kthx. Oh, oops! Unmarked spoilers! Omg my bad. Please don't ban.
Milla: Literally, Bernie [one of the producers], it was his birthday, and he came on set at about 2:30 am. [snip] Bernie comes in, with probably about 25 bottles of Rose Tatinger champagne...
Michelle: (in a deviously naughty voice) Ooh, I had a lot of those...
So to celebrate, everyone pretty much got wasted despite the fact that they were on a tight filming schedule and Paul needed way more coverage than what he had. But Milla explains it in a funnier way: "By the end of the night, we were SO out of it, and SO drunk, and poor Paul is freaking out because he's got, like, one take of everyone crashing into windows. And we're completely drunk off our butts like... WAAAGHHHUHUH!! HEYPAULIENOPRBREM!!!!fdsklh@!!one!&ghj!" I honestly have no idea how Milla finished off that sentence, but it sounded both disgusting and astounding. I did the best transcribing I could. Anyway, over this, the commandos are readying the train to take them deeper into The Hive. Boring stupid Jeremy butts in with: "There's a certain tradition in Germany where you eat beer... you eat sausage and beer for your second week of shooting." There's silence, and then Milla, Michelle, and Paul crack the hell up because that was a completely useless bit of non-interesting non-information.
Paul: Thank you, Jeremy, that was VERY interesting.
Milla: In Germany, any excuse to eat beer? They're there.
Michelle: It's all about chewing bottle caps.
Snicker, snicker, snicker. See, I didn't even need to make fun of him, they did it for me. Rain jumps down below the train to like, the fix the electrical... stuff down there... and whatever. This gives Michelle a bit of It's All About Me time, in which she describes her interest in the games and her desire to be in the movie adaptation, no matter how small the role was. She got an interview with Paul, "And I thought he'd be some dickhead director, you know... out to make an extra buck... not knowing jack about the videogame." But it turns out he actually loves the game and they hit it off great because they both love the game and the game is awesome and they think that they're both awesome together and laadeedah Michelle+Paul4LIFE!!!1 Milla supports the theory that Paul takes a genuine interest in the RE games and that it was his dream to make The Resident Evil Movie. She also reveals how much she hates art movies.
Milla: Usually you have these directors who want to make, like, their twisted life stories, or these really artistic films about what happened to them as children... that was... dysfunctional... so like...
Paul: This happened to me as a child! [Milla laughs] This is my art movie. Are you saying this is not an art movie?
Heh. At least Paul's self-aware about Resident Evil's inherent campiness. But I can't help but think that Milla's dislike of artsy movies is residual hatred from her experience filming The Messenger with her boring pretentious ex-husband, Luc Besson. She's got a thing for directors, doesn't she? The commandos, and Alice, and HandcuffedMatt take off on the train. Michelle and Milla basically call Paul a geek because he likes videogames. Michelle: "He knew about codes that I had no clue of, you know? That's pretty sick. I waste away my life with videogames... whenever I get the chance"Yeah, right. I read in Electronic Gaming Monthly that your favourite game was, and this comes directly from your own mouth: 'Heavy Metal Gear Solid', which you described as 'off the hook'. It's definitely off the hook whenever a supposed gamer who 'wastes their life on videogames' can't get the name of their favourite videogame right, eh Michelle? You're a poseur gamer, Mich! Poseur, poseur, poseur. But you have other, nicer qualities, so, I forgive. But I don't forget. Paul talks about how he made the crew play or watch the game, and that the train the commandos are in was inspired by the train in Resident Evil 2, which I appreciate. I'm slightly distracted, however, when one of the commandos discovers an unconscious James Purefoy (playing a character named Spence) and wow HOTTIE!!! James Purefoy is seriously one of the most classically handsome and sexy actors of our time. He oozes sex. He's sex on legs. Sex bomb sex bomb, he's my sex bomb. Etc.
Michelle weirdly ignores that come-on and goes on about how she liked closeups of stuff with the Umbrella logo on it. On screen, sexy flashbacks of Alice's sexy wedding to her sexy husband Spence suddenly invade Alice's sexy mind. Michelle: 'I had to watch [X-Men] three times to really get into it." Wow, that's dedication, right there. Milla: "Yeah, I'm sure they [meaning FOX] were really happy about that. I hope there's a lotta people like Michelle who go and see our movie three times!"She laughs cutely as Michelle goes on to say that by her third X-Men movie viewing, she was totally into it. Eh. I'm with Mark on X-Men, in that it was sorta bland. Certainly not the worst movie ever, but nonetheless bland. I'm distracted again because Spence regains consciousness and begins to jerk around all sexily as RandomCommando2 rudely shines a light into his eyes. RandomCommando2 has awful, awful eyebrows. So, Spence continues to be all hot as Michelle once again fanwanks about how "quiet and subtle" the games are and how sick the set is and blah blah. I suddenly realize that Jeremy hasn't talked in a while. Yay! More videogame posturing from Michelle, plz, as long as it makes Jeremy quiet.
As the train arrives in The Hive's loading... transport... dock... thing, Michelle notes how vulnerable Jill Valentine was in the first game and how you run out of ammo and if you die you have to start at the beginning again. Milla, however, plays with a memory card. Like the rest of the gaming population who aren't poseurs. Well, the ones who aren't poseurs and who aren't poor, that is. Michelle: "I just like the quiet subtlety of the videogames." Really, Michelle? Hey, do you also like the quiet subtlety of the videogames? Because I don't think you've quite nailed down just exactly what you like about them. Could it be the subtlety? The commandos, Alice, HandcuffedMatt, and Spence exit the train and move towards the entrance of The Hive.
Milla: I like the fact that somebody can be at the controls [of a videogame] and you can just tell them what to do. Which I love, because I'm not a big... sitting behind the controller kind of person-
Paul: But you love telling people what to do.
Milla: [forcifiully shoving Paul's head towards her cootiecatcher] I love telling my little brother "Okay, look in the corner! Go over there!" Michelle: [in a sotto, announcer-type voice] And Milla Jovovich's next debut will be as a director, ladies and gentlemen.
Heh. Although Michelle once again pronounced Milla's last name with a hard J, but suspiciously did not set off The Wrath of Jovovich. Paul and Jeremy chortle at the possibility of Milla directing the sequel (RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPE ARRIVES SEPTEMBER 10th IN THEATRES NEAR YOU) as the commandos approach the Hive and... look at it.
Milla: Listen, I play some SICK games with my brother...
Jeremy: I thought you were gonna say 'with Paul', just then...
Michelle: That too!
LOL! And ew. Michelle's delivery of "That too!" was quite... how would Michelle say it? Off the hook. And by the way, look at what a terrible influence Michelle has been on Milla's diction. Michelle and Jeremy giggle cutely and then braid each other's hair as Milla goes on to explain how her 13 year old brother is a straight-A dork who likes to play games like Half-Life. w00t! Can't wait for the sequel. Anyway, Milla is positively disgusted that in Half-Life, you can go around and kill people you're supposed to protect, and that those people react in a decidely human fashion. I agree that that's a little creepy, but surely her 13 year old brother can distinguish reality from a world constructed entirely of polygons? And... I don't wanna think anymore about this because The Matrix Revolutions is still a terrible film.
Alice, for the first time since she appeared all nekkid in the shower, shows a bit of a personality and hits One (tall black leader commando) on the arm, demanding to know what's going on. Spence sexes it up in the background. HandcuffedMatt looks confused. As One explains to AliceMattSpence about The Hive as well as a bit about their identities (Alice and Spence are security operatives living in the mansion to protect the entrance to the Hive, blah blah theirmarriageisashamcakes), Milla admits that a little GTA-like homicide is fun and okay for adults, but not 13 year old boys. Also, Milla does another kickass accent (one that I'm calling The Protective Mother) as she says the words "a little bit nervous". If anything, rent the DVD just to hear how she pronounces those words. Unfortunately, The Protective Mother is never heard from again on the commentary, which is a shame.
Jeremy: We don't have to advertise Grand Theft Auto, you know.
Paul: Yeah, what is it...? Resident Evil... Zero is coming out...
Yay, gratuitious promoting! Resident Evil Zero ruled (save for the completely moronic? killer leeches subplot, but, whatever). Get it if you have a Gamecube. Rain breaks into The Hive with some sort of fire power tool thingy. Michelle, somewhat creepily: "I love power tools. I like toys. I like guns. I like things that effect other things from faraway." It's quite a shame that Michelle wasn't cast as the Old Lady who ate fast food employes via A Giant Penis coming out of her head in that Buffy Season Six epic, 'Doublemeat Palace'. The commandos and AliceSpenceMatt talk and talk until Rain informs them that it's okay to take a peek into the Hive. There's a bit of silence, and now it's Milla's turn for a bit of All About Me time. Does anyone remember that awesome mid-90s FOX cartoon, Bobby's World? And there was that episode where Bobby had an All About Me time with his mom everyday after he came home from school? He even had a little song with it:
It's all about me! / Na na na na na
Till ten after 3! / Na na na na na
And so on. Incidentally, Season 7 of Buffy would have been way cooler if Buffy occasionally belted out the above chorus. It's weird how I've probably seen every episode of Bobby's World, and I remember that one song clearly out of all the other awesome moments in the series. Oh, and RandomCommando is walking through the Hive in an outfit and headgear that makes him look remarkably similar to Sam Fisher from Splinter Cell. Doubtful that it was an intentional homage, since the game came out after this film. Oops, I mean - back to you, Milla!
Milla: I think I'm built for roles like this. I think I'm believable in roles like this. And my little brother thinks I'm God now.
Whatever religion dictates that Milla Jovovich is their God... sign me up. RandomCommando gives everyone else the allclear as power is suddenly turned back on in The Hive. Everyone assembles into the front entrance lobby thing, where there's a cool looking mirror/distorted collage of glass, as well as a quasi-lame city backdrop behind the windows. Michelle further fanwanks how awesome the sets are, despite the tiny little pennies they had to pay for everything. As the commandos decide to take the stairs instead of the ELEVATORS THAT CRASH LANDED AND CONTAIN MANY DEAD BODIES, Paul explains how Berlin's underground railway system helped them avoid building sets of their own and stuff. Cheap ass.
Michelle: This isn't a zombie movie, dude. It has lots of zombies in it, but I think this is more about biohazardous scientific experimentation. Metamorphisis, and like how experimenting with genealogy and DNA testing can be very, very, very dangerous.
That... was hilarious. It wasn't supposed to be, but it was. Thank you so much for that, Michelle. Here's hoping you get that Noble Peace Prize and penis-removal surgery like you've always wanted. Milla backs up Michelle by saying she's seen a bunch of zombie films (ooh, which ones Milla?) and by comparison, Resident Evil seems a relatively tame action-horror picture. Agreed. Michelle: "Yeah, this is like, you have to go find the hidden area 54. This is more like PSSSHYYOUU!" What? I don't know. But once again with the inadvertant hilarity. I love Michelle. Milla wants to make love to the fact that you don't see zombies for a long, long time in the film. She says this just as DrownedNepotismZombie appears in the flooded lab, all seemingly deadish and scaring everyone. The reason for the 'Nepotism' in her nickname is because the zombie is played by Jeremy Bolt's sister, Anna. I wonder if Anna's a boring pudgy windbag in real life, too? Paul does his best to back up the logic behind the zombie-hiding ("You know you're gonna see the undead, there's no point in shoving them in your face").
Alice is understandably frightened by the apperance of this supposedly-dead body, because omigod DrownedNepotismZombie isn't even wearing any makeup! Spence sexily hands her his sexy leather jacket and sexily says a bunch of stuff... sexily. When Alice and Spence's hands touch, there's a MEGA-SUPER-ULTRA-SEXY flashback to Alice and Spence doing the beast with two backs in their mansion bedroom. Nice. Looks like they took that 'marriage' act a little seriously. Although if you look like Milla/James and were fake-married to someone who looked like James/Milla, how could you not?
Anyway! Michelle and Milla get all girly and giggly and cutesy-poo and fourth grade over the sexy sex flashback. Jeremy: "Doesn't [James Purefoy] look like James Bond?" I wouldn't mind seeing that, as long as I got cast as the Bond Girl. Whatever, it could happen. Everyone weirdly melds James Purefoy and James Bond's names together and then they laugh really loudly. I didn't really get it. Michelle: "Heeey, let's talk over their voices!" Thankfully, this doesn't come to pass, because only skilled comedians should be allowed to do that; whenever some random, non-profesionally trained non-comedian talks over movie voices, it's just annoying and embarassing. As awesome as 3 out of these 4 commentators are, they just could not have pulled it off. Alice puts on the Leather Jacket of Empowerment and pretends to not think about Spence's penis being repeatedly thrust into her. Jeremy begins to explain something about James Purefoy being in A Knight's Tale, until Milla chimes in with a new-ish accent, The Drunken Fratboy:
Milla: Hey, James Purefoy! He partied hard with us man! He ruuuuled. Took his pants off at a club with Jeremy... [Michelle laughs and laughs and laughs]
What? James Purefoy took off his pants at a club and there are NO pictures or videos of this anywhere? Hate, hate, hate. Jeremy says something about James putting on his pants again while Jeremy didn't, and I IGNORE IT because that's not what anyone wants to hear. Ever. HandcuffedMatt is spooked by some sort of non-noise coming from a vent. But why? Were there super crawly zombies in the vent? It wasn't a licker, because the Licker wasn't released yet, and... okay, I'm overthinking this, aren't I? Paul says that one of Jeremy's many illustrious jobs was as a producer was to take the cast out clubbing, which rules. Milla and Michelle quickly note that it was them who took JEREMY out, because he's a dork who could never get into any club on his own if his life depended on it.
"I know, Spence. This skirt covers nothing."
Michelle: That's where the black under James Purefoy's eyes came from, by the way.
Jeremy: You have to take off all your clothes except your underwear.
Michelle: Not the girls who were dressed, you know, appropriately...
I think what Michelle means is that: if the girl is wearing an outfit where it's obvious that there is NOTHING on underneath, she can keep her clothes on. Weird rule. And... that club sounds awesome. James Purefoy was in this club. James Purefoy took off all his clothes except his underwear in this club. Why didn't this club get its own featurette on the dvd? After what feels like forever, the commandos and AliceSpenceMatt leave the flooded lab hall as DrownedNepotismZombie, surprise surprise, comes to life. That would have been scary if it hadn't been so pimped out on every single RE commercial and trailer there was. And also if it wasn't so telegraphed by the camera work. Milla, meanwhile is very impressed to hear that Michelle had on some nice leather panties and a bra on, which signals the beginning of Hardcore Lesbo Milla. Was she not at the Kit Kat club? I find it hard to believe she didn't go because she was too shy, what with Alice's incredibly various states of undress.
Commandos and A/S/M (yay laziness) gather outside of a metal door leading into a room supposedly called "Dining Hall B", but once everyone gets inside, it's quite noticeable that the room could only be called a dining hall if it were owned by Rob Zombie. Large brown tanks are scattered everywhere, and there's steam and wet splotches on the floor and open wiring and it's gross and moody. Everyone looks understandably bewildered. I gear up because the following scene houses the most hilarious part of the commentary yet... but, oops! Look at that! I seem to have run out of time and patience for this recap, so I suppose we must have to endure The Waiting.
