| �Hey, doll.� His voice was barely above a whisper. He wasn�t sure whether to speak up, or speak softer. When his voice came, the tone was as much a surprise to him. Mera blinked rapidly. Along with the brightness of the day came memories. They flooded back to her at a speed she could not comprehend. She had said awful things, had done awful things. She had made an idiot out of herself in front of the people she loved � the person she had potential to love. �Pacey, I�m an idiot,� she whispered, tears springing to her eyes. �I�m sorry�� Pacey leaned in closer, bringing his hand to Mera�s face. He brushed at the tears that had begun to fall, cupping her chin in his hand. �No, Mera, honey. You aren�t an idiot � you could never be.� She looked up at him, eyes wide and glimmering. �But I � I made such a fool out of myself. I � I snapped, Pacey, I lost control and I can�t take that back.� �I know, babe,� he told her. �Sometimes we do things � and sometimes we may feel we have no control. But what�s done is done. It�s in the past.� Mera had a sudden flash of Vartan � eyes wide as she screamed at him. Yet not once had he raised his voice to her. Not once had he said a fowl thing� �God, Vartan. He probably thinks I�m a total freak. He�ll never speak to me again�� �Are you kidding, Mera?� Pacey asked. �Man, I practically had to beat that kid off with a stick. He insisted a ride back here with you and I. Then he wouldn�t leave your bedside. Had it come down to it, the stick might have been the only way out.� �He � he came here?� �Yes! He was worried sick about you. Trust me, there was no mention of freakdom. I had to promise him you�d call when you were up.� �He isn�t made at me?� �Mad? No, Mera. I don�t think that was his top emotion. Worried, perhaps. He,� Pacey let out a laugh. �I think that kid�s hopelessly in love with you. And I � I�m sorry for almost ruining that.� �Pacey � you didn�t. I did. I�m the one who didn�t listen to your rules. I�� �The rule was stupid, Mera. It was an idiotic decision on my part.� �Then why?� Mera asked, innocence in her eyes. �Why did you make it?� �I�� he sighed. �It hast o do with me. With my own stupid hang ups, with me history. And with�� ��my mother,� Mera finished. �You don�t have to say anymore.� �No.� Pacey replied, firmly. �I want to. I�ve kept things locked up long enough. I neglected to tell you things, and � and today I could have lost you.� Tears now wet his eyes. �I can�t take that chance anymore.� �You loved her?� Pacey shook his head, a smile playing on his lips. �Mera � I loved her like there was no tomorrow. What I felt for your mother � I can�t even describe it to you.� �When � when did you know?� �The day I met her. A million summers ago, we were both young, she was 16, and I was almost there. She looked every bit as you do today � blonde hair that seemed to dance in the sunlight. Blue eyes that sometimes shifted a grin hue. God, she was beautiful�� Mera smiled. �I know. I saw photos.� She reached over, and pulled Dawson�s photo from the dresser drawer. �Don�t be angry at Dawson. He gave this to me a while ago.� Pacey studied the photograph, his face lighting up at the sight. �Andie.� He whispered, fingering the photo. He handed it back to her. �Mera, I�ve been a major idiot. I never should have kept things from you, but I have. I�ve refused to talk about Andie � about your mother, about what she meant to me, and what we had. I � I made stupid rules about your life and what you could and couldn�t do. I never realized � never realized that it was actually hurting you. I loved your mother so much�� �And I think I love Vartan. I know there�s something�� �It�s love. Trust me, he looks at you the way I looked at Andie. Love. I guess I tricked myself into believing that I was helping you. That if I prevented you from discovering true love, I could save you from the hurts. From the sheer pain, and the crushing guilt.� �Pacey�� �No. Your mother � Andie died because of my love for her. I � I could very well be responsible for her death, for your orphanage, for everything.� He�d begun to cry. �No, Pacey.� Mera hugged the comforter in closer to her body. �Don�t say that. You didn�t kill my mother. You didn�t give her a terminal illness.� Pacey shook his head. �There�s so much I need to tell you, so much that I need to clear up. I can�t even begin to�� �Try Pacey, please. I don�t understand this. I don�t understand what you�re saying, I can�t � I can�t make sense of what�s happening to my body and my mind. Am I crazy?� �Mera � there�s so much behind that question. So much suffering and hurt.� �Tell me.� |
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