| All stories are written by MadShrubbery, and are the sole property of her and this site. If she finds out you've stolen it, she's gonna so kick your ass. Plus, Grandma will be so disappointed in you. |
| Episode 9: The Last Beautiful Video Shoot, Part Dos |
| In this episode of As The Match Burns... Continuing the saga of Episode 9, we take you back to the set for "Last Beautiful Girl." We also highly suggest you re-read Part Uno to refresh your memory. As always, every episode is written out of fun. If you're taking this seriously, you probably didn't understand "Mad Season," either, and therefore really shouldn't read this anyway. |
| �2001-2002 by Rebecca J. Burke & Hashbrown Casserole for the Matchbox Twenty Soul, Inc. |
| Once the make-up artist was done working her magic, the troupe rushed back to the set, not wanting to anger Miss Tayke. To their surprise, the barren set had been transformed into an underwater wonderland in the mere hour they had been gone. A giant wall of sparkly seaweed crept up a rocky grotto, sea-floor plants gently waved on string apparatuses, and various foam creatures dotted the seascape. Technicians played with their lighting rigs, and color splashed everywhere. A spotlight flashed on, focusing on a rocky platform. �That must be where I will be standing,� Paul said to himself, checking his appearance in a renegade mirror. All of a sudden, Miss Tayke appeared on the scene, storyboard in hand, with a stern expression. �Alright you petty music people, let�s get this video done with!� Adam turned around and screamed. Miss Tayke was taken aback by this odd reaction, and Rob tried to explain it. �You see, he�s really just a child inside�a very�weird child�� �That�s no excuse for his un-professionalism,� she cruelly replied. �Someone of his age and stature should present himself so.� �Meanie bitch lady!� Adam muttered under his breath. �Aw, it�ll be okay, Adsy,� Brian said, patting him the best he could on the back with his sea horse version of a hand. Motioning for the group to follow her onto the set, Miss Tayke swiftly turned to address them. �Now, I am one of the few directors that takes pride in doing only one take. Only ONE. This comes from many hours of practice on your part, from the high caliber of my staff, and from the precision of my expertise. There will be no mistakes, no failure. Failure only results in�nothing! Because there is no failure! Is this CLEAR?� Such a lecture brought back horrifying memories of pressure to succeed for Kyle. �Mommy will hate me if I don�t do it right,� Kyle thought to himself, and struggled not to pee his pants in fear. Paul just stood there in his shrimpfit, and waited for his cue to hit the platform. He looked over and noticed the fearful expression on Kyle�s face. �What a pansy,� he thought. Paul then looked back at Adam, and thought he was a pansy, too. �Damn, I�m surrounded by so many pansies, that I should open up garden depot,� Paul joked to himself. �I don�t like how Kyle looks terrified, I don�t like how Adam looks upset, I don�t like how Paul looks lethal, and I don�t like how Brian looks calm!� Rob thought, sensing the impending chaos. �And I certainly do NOT like this goddamn bra!� �I wish I had peed before I came out here,� Brian thought. Miss Tayke stared at the silent group. �Is that CLEAR?!� she yelled, startling them out of their thoughts. �Yes!� the band exclaimed in unison. �GOOD. I wouldn�t want to be working with a bunch of 3rd graders,� Miss Tayke scoffed in her clipped Russian accent. �Now, I understand you all have practiced extensively with your choreographer?� The band stared at her. Miss Tayke stared back. Kyle thought about picking his nose. Brian wanted to pee, really, really badly. Paul still thought he was the shit. Adam was about to cry. And Rob wandered where Mari was; he was getting horny fondling his bra. �Well?!� Miss Tayke asked. �Oh, ah, no,� Kyle responded, putting his index finger away. �We were just told to show up and look sexy.� �Well it�s nice to know you all have one thing down,� Miss Tayke snapped in complete frustration. �Fortunately you require minimum choreography. UGH! Let�s get this travesty over with.� Miss Tayke then grabbed Brian by the tail and pulled him to stage left. �Do you know the chorus?� she asked. Brian hesitated. �Well, see, I just play the bass, so I�m not required to sing or anything, because my singing sucks,� he finally managed to stutter out. Miss Tayke was visibly disgusted. �You�ve been playing this song for HOW long, and you STILL don�t know the chorus at least?! Fools�surrounded by them�� Brian tried to save face and quickly recanted his statement. �I mean, I, I know the words, yes. I�m just not used to saying them, you know?� �Fine, whatever, just don�t set anything on fire,� Miss Tayke said, plucking Brian�s cigarette out of his mouth and stuffing it in the pocket of a passing technician. �Hey!� the tech exclaimed, running to put his shirt out. �Nevermind that! You will stand here, dance to the music, and lip-synch the chorus. Try not to look stupid, and try not to mess up. Understood?� Brian was quickly losing his cool as he replied, �Yes, ma�am. Crystal.� Miss Tayke, satisfied with his response, left him to his own devices, and went back over to the remaining group. �Hmmm,� she said, deciding on who to terrorize next. �YOU,� she shouted, pointing at the now trembling sea monkey. �Come hither.� Kyle reluctantly stepped forward and followed Miss Tayke to stage right. �Do exactly what I told the underwater Kentucky Derby dropout over there to do, except lip-synch YOUR part. I trust you can do that, yes?� �Yeah, yeah, I�ll be fine,� Kyle answered, focusing on a piece of seaweed that sat in front of him, and tried to suppress his memories. Miss Tayke frowned, but then decided it would do. She then did an about face, and snickered as she briskly approached Adam. �YOU, Mister �Child.� It�s your turn.� (The writer would like to add that if this were being filmed in the glory of Technicolor, we�d be inserting an evil laugh right about�here.) Adam looked left. Adam looked right. Adam sniffled and said, �Me?� �YOOOOOOOOOOOOU!� billowed the voice emitting from the tiny Russian woman. �COME HEEEEEEREEEE!� Adam let out a sharp cry and ran to where Miss Tayke now stood, to the left of the rocky platform. He stumbled over his tail, and almost fell, but luckily caught his balance and stopped in front of the woman. �Ready and reporting for duty,� he cried. An evil grin spread across Miss Tayke�s face, as she circled her prey. �You, Mister�ah, what is your name?� �Adam. Adam Gaynor, ma�am. I�m the rhythm guitar player, ma�am,� Adam shyly replied, grabbing hold of his fins, and holding on for dear life, for fear she may eat him alive. �Mister Gaynor. I think you can gather what is required of you, no?� Adam looked at the floor and mumbled, �I dance and lip-synch my parts.� �Good boy. But if you fail, if you ruin this�you�ll be my dinner. Clear?� Miss Tayke whispered, moving in very closely to his hear, so no one else could hear but Adam. Adam swallowed hard. �I�ll do good.� �Excellent,� Miss Tayke smiled, left the trembling Adam, and approached the shrimp and the mermaid. Err, merman. Stepping within inches of Paul�s face, Miss Tayke whispered to him, �Are you ready for your close up?� Paul, ready to be the star as usual, answered with glee. �Of course, baby! How do I get onto that platform?� He began strutting towards the rocky platform, when Miss Tayke said, �Excuse me, Mr. Doucette�your position is over there.� Her bony finger pointed to the area right of the rock. Paul whirled around and shot her a questionable look. �But Karl told me I am the star.� Miss Tayke smirked and approached the ever increasingly angry shrimp. �I�m sorry, but Karl is misinformed. Rob is the star, as always. You, on the other hand, are merely his�how should I say it? Right hand shrimp-man.� Paul turned the bright red of his costume, and struggled to regain his composure. �So. Right, is it? FINE. I guess all I do is stand around, flail like a little girl, and do what Derby reject does?� �HEY!� Brian yelled from his position. �I do not flail like a little girl!� �Yes, Mr. Doucette, not in so many words, but you are correct. Just make sure to make your cues,� Miss Tayke replied, sauntering back to the real star of the show. Ariel. Err, Rob. �I do not flail! I merely�wave,� Brian mumbled at her back. Rob stood and stared wide-eyed as the exotic Russian approached. He became lost in her luxuriously brown eyes, and entranced with her stroll. �Insert James Bond theme here,� he thought to himself, now glad Mari wasn�t around. �Hello, Pussy,� he said to her as she stopped just inches short of his waiting lips. �OH! The nerve!� she exclaimed, smacking him across the face. �Bastard!� �Wha�oh�yeah�I�m sorry,� Rob stammered, remembering where he was, and what he was doing. �I get lost, in your eyes�� �Whatever, Debbie! Get your Flipper ass on the platform, NOW,� Miss Tayke screeched, still taken aback by Rob�s overly sexual advances. �Damn, you didn�t come from Russia with love, did you?� Rob asked, glancing over his shoulder at the fuming woman, who looked like she could kill him at any second. The rest of the band tried very hard not to burst into full-out laughter, but giggles still managed to escape. �Shaddap!� Rob scoffed, giving a pointed look to each man. �Now,� Miss Tayke instructed, as Rob managed to climb up a hidden set of steps onto the platform, �Your part is, of course, the most important. So if YOU fail, it will all be on your head.� Rob swallowed hard, and tried not to look as nervous as he felt. �I understand,� he squeaked. �What you obviously know is you will be lip-synching all your vocals. But you must also remember your character,� Miss Tayke went on, wildly gesturing to Rob�s costume. �You are a fair mermaid, err, merman, and you are telling the woman in your life how it is. How did you say it��this song is about the curse of beautiful women,� I believe. So while you are lip-synching, you are to be slightly dancing to the music playback, and feeling this curse you so speak about. Fortunately, everything else is taken care of in editing, effects, lighting, and the ilk. It really is a stunningly simple video, since that�s obviously what the song is.� �Now, hey. I worked a long time on that,� Rob quipped, feeling slightly hurt. Miss Tayke rolled her eyes and walked back to her chair. �Rob�just do it. This will only take us 5 minutes.� �Yeah, okay,� Rob snapped, turning his hurt feelings into that luscious Robbie rage. [�DO NOT CALL ME ROBBIE!� Rob yelled at the author as she wrote that last line. The author then presently turned around, smacked him, and told him to get her another beer. He reluctantly complied.] So the boys stood in their spots, now overly anxious to get the shoot over with. Kyle�s level of embarrassment was becoming increasingly worse, for now set against the seascape, he looked even more out of place as a monkey. Plus, the costume did nothing for his ears. Paul was equally embarrassed, on top of being pissed at being lied to. Rob was now just fuming with rage at Miss Tayke, and her lack of respect for his work. Adam struggled with his inner child, and Brian still wanted to pee, really, really badly. Miss Tayke finished going over the final plans for the shoot, finished her Arizona Green Tea (Which made Adam even sadder, because she wouldn�t share, even after he asked nicely.), and briefly meditated. �NOW,� she calmly shouted, opening her eyes from the meditation, and giving a sweeping glance across the opulent set. �Let us begin. Cue lights! Cue spotlight! Cameras rolling! Cue playback! And�ACTION!� the little woman roared. The strains of guitar built into a crescendo, the group sashayed like pillars of seaweed, and Rob began his lip-synching. �A thousand lost forevers and the promises you never were giving me�� Rob mouthed, giving a little sexy pout. Then the chorus rolled, and the guys were hitting their cues perfectly. Miss Tayke was quite pleased; this was going to turn out to be quite a cute video. And then it all fell down. It was the last verse of the song, and everyone was anxious to finish, and get out of there. Only one minute to go, and Brian was overjoyed. At around a minute and ten seconds, he resorted to crossing his legs and wiggling, rather than sashaying. He saw Miss Tayke frown, but it gradually went away, so Brian figured she didn�t really care what he was doing, especially since he was only the bass player, and would probably only get 5 seconds in the video, anyway. And now it was the home stretch, and he could SEE the bathroom from where he was standing. Across the stage from Brian, Kyle had actually gotten into his �character.� At around the 1:25 mark, he had discovered he could do a sexy move by swinging his tail around like a rope, and he thought it secretly implied S&M action. He knew the ladies would pick up on it, and Kyle was becoming quite excited. Sure, he looked like a monkey drowning in a sea of�well, in a sea, but he was a sexy monkey just asking to be spanked. Adam, on the other hand, was near a mental breakdown. He didn�t understand it�what had he done? He thought he had been perfectly nice to Miss Tayke. So why did she yell at him?! The poor guy was relieved to be almost out of her piercing stare, which she kept on him almost the whole time. It was painful to smile and work his �back-up vocals,� but he knew if he wasn�t perfect, everyone would blame him. So Adam focused on his cool costume, and pretended he was the last beautiful shark in the sea. As for Rob�well, Rob was being Rob. It was mucho passion, mucho sexy, mucho love, all in a mermaid costume. He drew from his anger at Miss Tayke, and oozed the coolness. Rob also found that by twirling his wig hair around his finger seemed to slightly arouse her. Oh yes, he was going to love turning Miss Tayke down as she panted for his love after the shoot. And only a mere 5 feet below Rob, Paul seethed and fumed as he flailed about. First they screw him and make him a shrimp. Then they lie and make Rob the star. THEN it seems as if they�ve not shot any footage of him! Poor Paul was about to scream bloody murder. There was no way he was letting anyone design another video from now on. He was sure there was somewhere he could complain about this. Only 45 seconds left until hell was over. �Only 45 seconds, I can deal,� Paul thought, as the song entered its last tempo change, and he started wiggling faster. He then got the idea to break into some go-go dancing. �Might as well get some camera time, even if I look stupid.� So Paul started waving his arms even more wildly about, and accidentally smacked his right hand into the brittle rock platform, causing Rob to stumble, as he was only dancing on one foot at that point. Rob, briefly losing his balance, stepped down with his right foot, and knocked a rock off the platform, but was able to steady himself. This aforementioned rock came crashing down on Adam�s head, and he collapsed in a heap on the set. Kyle, shocked, stopped paying attention to where his tail was swinging, and it caught around a piece of the seaweed attached to the backdrop. Seeing Adam wasn�t moving, Brian rushed to his side, and started checking for vital signs. �HEY! NO! GET BACK TO YOUR SPOT!� Miss Tayke screamed, for there was only 30 seconds to go, and she knew they could get by if Brian just went back to his position. Kyle yelled back at her, �But he�s hurt!� and Kyle ran towards Adam to help. Or, at least he tried. As he ran, he pulled the backdrop along with him, and like a grand scene out of an old movie, the entire backdrop came crashing down on top of Kyle, as he screamed in horror. Miss Tayke yelled again at the cameramen to keep their lenses focused on Rob, for she could still save the shoot. Rob stood there, horrified, staring back at the still rolling cameras, and tried to smile with all his might. Paul, suddenly aware of a screaming monkey, turned around, and started to laugh insanely at Kyle trying to crawl out from under the heap of canvas and sequins. He clutched his prawny sides, and bellowed, �YOU�RE TRAPPED, COOKIE!� �SHUT THE HELL UP!� Kyle cried, very scared, and unable to find an escape from the sea of underwater foliage. �ADAM! I�M COMING FOR YOU, BUDDY!� �He�s, he�s okay!� Brian cheered, as Adam slowly regained consciousness. �Mommy�I�d like a gnome, please,� Adam mumbled, blinking his eyes and realizing where he was. �Oh�my HEAD�� Rob looked down at Adam and Brian, and Miss Tayke screeched for him to look back at the camera. �FIVE MORE SECONDS!!! SMILE, YOU SKANKY MERMAID!� �SKANKY?!� Rob replied, raging. �Who the hell you callin� skanky, you skanky ho?!� he said, putting his hands on his scaly hips, as the playback finally ended. �Screw this, we�re fucking OUT of here.� Paul whipped back around and pointed up at Rob, still guffawing. �She called you a SKANK! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!� �Shut the hell up!� Rob exclaimed, glaring down at Paul. �She�s the one that made you look like a damn fool!� Paul stopped cold. �But I don�t have boobies, okay?� he said, sinisterly. �Whatever, Pepe,� Rob snapped, turning back to Miss Tayke. �Are we done here? I think we are. I think we�re leaving. I think this shoot is over.� Miss Tayke furiously snapped back, �You think too much!� She then hopped up from her chair, and gave a disgusting glance at the heap that was Kyle, and at Adam on the floor. �Someone help them, I�m completely disgusted,� she said, shaking her head in anger, and started to collect the film reels from the cameramen. �I can�t leave you all to take care of this.� Brian looked up at the crew, and saw that no one moved towards them. He looked up at Rob and over and Paul, and saw they were embroiled in a heated staring contest, and then down at Adam, babbling madly. �I guess I�ll get Kyle,� he thought to himself, and managed to stand up in his costume, and waddle over to the heap. �Kyle, ah, can you stand up?� Brian said, not sure WHERE Kyle was. A sudden cry of sobs exploded, and Kyle wailed, �But I AM standing up!� Brian paused for a moment. �Okay, can you walk forward? Maybe the weight of the canvas will keep the backdrop from moving, and you can just, walk out from under it?� Kyle loudly sniffled, and put his brave face on. �I�m not afraid of the dark!� he said to himself, as he slowly stepped forward. Unfortunately, the whole pile moved with him, since his tail was still attached. Brian noticed this, but figured encouragement would help more than bad news, so Brian continued to tell Kyle he was �doing good,� and that Kyle would �be out any second.� �Come on, man, � Brian pleaded. �You�re almost out.� Kyle wiped his eyes, and struggled against the weight of the canvas. He wasn�t sure where he was going, or if he was really close to making his way out. He just kept moving in the same general direction and hoped for the best. �Brian?� he asked, needing more support. �Am�am I close?� There was no response. �Brian??? Are you still there?� Brian was not there. Brian had high-tailed his tail to the bathroom. �Ahhh�sweet, sweet relief,� he cooed, once he was inside. Realizing he had left Kyle to wander about blindly, he washed his hands and quickly went back out to the set. �NOOOO!!!!!!!!!� he screamed, seeing Kyle�s mass of canvas converge on the rocky precipice with an angered Rob atop it. The already shaky structure rumbled, and shook, and Rob shrieked as it threw him off it, straight into a horrified Miss Tayke and a cameraman. Un-treated film cans flew everywhere, spilling the sensitive film in all directions. Adam finally snapped out of his funk, and stared in horror. Kyle, after hitting the platform, found an edge of the backdrop, and had crawled out from under it. Brian raced back to the bathroom, but not really wanting to miss a good screaming at Rob, raced back out onto the set. Paul fell on the floor and rolled around in peals of laughter. Rob, slightly dazed, looked over at Miss Tayke, sprawled on the floor with film draped all around her, and asked, �So, you�re not gonna ask me out now, are you, huh?� Miss Tayke arose from her position, and film fell off her shoulders and into a pile in her lap. �Tell you what,� she said coldly, with a piercing stare that chilled Rob to the bone. �I�ll say this was all an error on my company�s part, if you and your band leave the premises immediately. I never want to see ANY of you again!� �Okay, cool to me,� Rob said, getting up, and moving towards the door, where the rest of the band already was. �We�ll be seeing you. Nice working with you. Have a nice day!� The entire crew stared at the band. �GO!� Miss Tayke screamed. The quartet scrambled out of the stage door, and into the bright sunlight of the afternoon. �Well, I�m glad that�s finally over,� Paul said, pulling off his shrimp hat. �I�m just glad I didn�t break anything,� Adam said, still checking to make sure he wasn�t missing any body parts. Kyle�s lip quivered. �Someone, please hold me,� he said, traumatized for life�again. Brian grabbed him, and held him close. �Ah, but guys, what are we going to do wearing these costumes?� Rob looked around, and noticed people beginning to look at them. �If Disney can make money with people dressed up in costumes, so can we. C�mon, lets go earn our cab fare.� �I don�t know what�s worse. Guys hitting on me after my drag stint in �Real World,� or the possibility of shrimp freaks hitting on me now,� Paul sighed, as the group worked their way into the crowd. |
| NEXT TIME, on As The Match Burns... God only knows what more is to come. Note: The author would like to thank everyone for their support in this project. |