By DinosPreciousSub
I sit here today, surrounded by emails and thoughts, and had to stop and put some of it on paper. Another sub only yesterday was summarily released from her cyber-collar when she refused to send pictures of herself in "the positions." Upon questioning, she related that she has only known this Dom - her newest in a string of five - for 3 days before accepting his offer. He, it turns out, has known of his Domly tendencies for 2 entire weeks. He is, therefore, an expert on training and commanding new submissives. She...well, she is already speaking with another wannabe....
Don't get me wrong....I started out in the lifestyle as an online submissive. Had I never accidentally stumbled into the chatroom and met some very kind people, I would not be where I am today. The wealth of information I found on the websites and links fed my hunger and natural curiosity, and I knew within a short time that I had been born a submissive. It is who I am.
Shortly into my venture, I, too, was approached and overwhelmed for a short time by an online predator. He demanded that I call him at specified times, and also wanted the requisite "cyber-slut" pictures of me assuming the proper Gorean positions of submission - in the buff, of course. I was fortunate to be in the chatroom the day one of his prior conquests made the announcement that he was a fake and a danger to newbies. However, it took me several days...and a few name changes....to get him off my back.
Not many days later, I met another cyberDom who expressed interest in me. He seemed decent and honest, and again I trusted his words at face value. Imagine my shock when his collared submissive showed up and he expressed his devotion to her in front of a chatroom full of people. I was crushed. How could this kind of thing keep happening to me?
As it turns out, what I experienced is a common occurence in cyber-land. Dominants and submissives alike discover through a chance encounter with someone in the lifestyle that they have these urges...tendencies... longings...and they are finally able to give them a name. They begin to discover who they are. Unfortunately, it often happens that they take a flogger - or collar - in hand long before they are ready. The result is most often not a good one.
A flogger does not make one a Dominant any more than a collar makes one a submissive. We live in such an "I-want-it-now" world that few are willing to take the time and effort to look into themselves and see what it is they really are....what they really want and need. Without that insight, they merely exist as wannabes, game-players who have no idea of the potential for disaster should they ever encounter a person in realtime.
When I met my Dominant, who is now also my husband, we spent a tremendous amount of time talking about the lifestyle and its place in our lives. He knew that I was as serious about it as he was, and not into playing games. I wanted a life partner; he was looking for the same. Communication with him started on a superficial level before ever becoming personal. We shared many of the same interests and hobbies. We both wanted a home in the country. The vanilla, or common, aspects of a relationship are as important as the BDSM parts. Without that initial compatibility, the Dominant/submissive element is only temporary. It was essential that we be friends first.
One of the things he asked me to do once we decided that we were interested in pursuing a relationship with each other on a realtime basis was to write him a brief history of my life. He wanted details of anything I had encountered along the way that had caused me pain or hurt. I could not understand why he wanted me to dredge up something I had buried so deeply. When I asked him, he replied that he needed to know my fears as well as my triggers if we were going to make a go of this. I needed to be willing to open up to him completely in order for him to be sensitive of those areas. It was not a pleasant task, but it has proved its worth several times over now. He approaches those subjects with tact and care, and I am pleased as well as honored to say that some things are now no longer an issue for me. With his love and the trust we have built together, we have overcome obstacles I thought I would never see the other side of.
The key is honesty. He was as open with me as I was with him. He spoke freely of his past, failures as well as successes. He was frank about what he liked and disliked - yes, Doms have limits too - his weaknesses and strengths. I was introduced to his sister and brother, both also in the lifestyle, and given the names of several of his friends both online and realtime so that I could check him out. His goal in this was my security. He wanted me to know at all times that my safety was his utmost concern. Without that knowledge, I could not have trusted him.
When we finally decided to meet, he came to see me. The reason? He wanted it to be on my turf, where I felt comfortable. We openly discussed our meeting in the chatroom for at least a month beforehand, so all our friends knew he was coming to visit. He insisted I have at least 3 safecalls. One was his sister, one was a friend to both of us, and the other was my online Mentor. We arranged our activities around my safecalls. If we were in the middle of a shopping excursion - or anything else, for that matter - we stopped and contacted these people every day that he was there. He met my children and came to my workplace. If we were alone, all 3 of the safecalls knew where we were and how to reach us, as did my children.
We are sensualists, yet we followed the precautions and guidelines of meeting someone realtime to a "T." Why? First....one never truly knows someone until they have spent time together. Words are just that... words. Anyone can say a line, give a compliment, touch a nerve. Being together - touching, seeing, talking face-to-face - is a totally different matter. Second....we fully feel it is up to those in the lifestyle to set good examples for those who are watching. And, believe me, if you are in the chatrooms, you are being watched. There are many out there who just sit quietly, trying to decide if this is really for them. They see, and observe, and learn, from our behavior. We are all teachers.
So....while I cannot alter my online submissive friend's behavior, what I can do is set an example for her of what the living the lifestyle is like in the real world. Maybe she will learn from it, and maybe not. Perhaps a new Dom will see how mine conducts himself around others and emulate that behavior. We are the lifestyle. What we do influences those around us. We have a big responsibility. Let us not take it lightly.
Copyright � DinosPreciousSub 2000
Used gratefully with her permission
