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Some Advice and a Warning for the Novice Submissive
Written by Remie1121 - March 2001 |
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My Purpose for writing this page, is to hopefully save someone else from going through the nightmare that I went through in my first realtime D/s relationship. There truly is no greater shame in this "lifestyle" than a dishonorable "dominant" who would exploit the giving nature of a submissive woman and use it for his own selfish purposes. You can easily show a picture of a broken and battered body when a submissive puts herself in the hands of a dangerous Dominant whom she didn't check out thoroughly, or get to know well enough...But there is no way to show visually what happens when a Dominant abuses and mis-uses whats on the INSIDE. I'm going to make an attempt at doing that here so that someone may learn from my mistakes. Looking back in retrospect, there were many things I should have seen, but ignored because I believed that this man knew what he was doing. If anyone can read this and recognize some of it in their own relationship or apply it to a new one, and somehow avoid what I went through, I will have found something good and a reason for having gone through this whole experience. |
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Some Background
I never imagined that I would "come out of the closet" as a submissive woman. I would hang out in the chatrooms occasionally, but never thought that I would meet someone who would "bring me out", so to speak. I had done all the reading, visited all the popular BDSM websites, I had listened to others speak in the room, talked to people, made friends, confided in people, the whole nine yards. I thought I had a pretty good grip on the idea of what a healthy D/s relationship was all about. Of course all the IMs flooded in from would-be Doms and wannabees...some seemed real, others didn't. I spoke to dozens of them but never really felt good about any of them, which was fine, because I really had no intention of exploring this in my real life. Until I met a "man", who is a regular in the chatroom that I frequent. He IMed one night from the room and we began talking, he was in a relationship that was winding down and coming to a close, by the choice of the submissive he was with. We began talking every day, sometimes 2 and 3 times a day...we spoke for hours at a time....he had been in the lifestyle for 15 years and was well respected in the room. When we spoke of our beliefs and feelings about D/s, he answered all my questions, seemed to be open with me and he spoke of the mutual need between Dominant and submissive and how the evolution happens. He SEEMED to be the real thing. He spoke to the submissive in me and knew all the right phrases and what to say to me. As a novice submissive, I was blown away by the power he seemed to have over my behavior and actions, even the way I spoke. I gave of myself slowly and cautiously....but eventually I learned to trust this man and I allowed him to lead me. He was a hard-ass and I responded to that...the way he handled me, spoke to me, touched me...in all my life I never imagined there could be so much power in a man's whisper...He was God for a moment, and I became intoxicated by his control and lost sight of my own convictions. As I gradually gave up more and more control to him, I began to lose my own sense of navigation, and sense of self-worth...I began to behave like a programmed robot, and my only goal was to please him and earn his approval... |
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never considering that my own needs were as important as his. Thats why its so important to have a mentor or a confidant, someone removed that you can turn to and seek an opinion from, if and when you are having doubts about something. I consider myself a fairly intellingent woman, and I've always been very practical, sensible, and non risk-taking in general. So if this could happen to me, it could happen to anyone. Looking back on it, I do feel rather foolish for allowing this to happen. I questioned him along the way about certain things that didn't seem right and he always seemed to have a logical explanation for everything. There were signs along the way that should have triggered me to realize that he was really a poor excuse for a Dominant, my instincts were talking to me the whole time, but I didn't listen. I assumed that since he was well respected in the room and in the "community" that I must have been imagining all the doubts I was having. In a nutshell, he coaxed my submission, encouraged it from me, took me deeper into it, built my trust in him, then when he got me to the point of needing his control in my life, he abandonded me after almost 9 months...with no solid explanation as to why. When it was over, I felt totally inadequate and like I had failed him for not being who and what he wanted me to be, and in true submissive form, I begged him to believe that I had given him my best....Thats how confused I had become...I saw him through rose-colored glasses and I felt that I had let HIM down. After finally clearing my head, it became obvious that I had been deliberately used, mislead, and played by this man...for no other reason than to satiate his sexual desires...without a thought on his part of how I would be affected by it when he was done using me. My purpose now is to show some of the warning signs to watch out for. As submissives we ARE vulnerable and its of the utmost importance to make wise choices in who we decide to give ourselves to. If you see some of these red flags, you can bet that this is NOT a healthy relationship and one that may well leave you damaged. |
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Part 2 of Remie's story: The Red Flags |
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