| August 11, 2004
Dear Mom, I guess I've been putting this off; I've known that we really need to sit down and talk about things but I haven't wanted to deal with all of it. There are too many things that are more important to me than having to sit my own mother down like a child and explain to her that no, the world doesn't always run exactly the way she wants it to and that yes, I am a real person with my own tastes and desires, despite the fact that she can be quoted as saying that she owns me. I know writing this all down is juvenile, but I feel that it is the only way that I can make you listen to me without interrupting. I am feeling a great deal of anger right now, still, and something tells me that if we all get into the pure shit that we have made a habit of getting into it could result in something irrevocable for the both of us. I know that I am having problems even contacting you; I tend to play for keeps and don't like bluffing and when I say, even in my head, that I'll never speak to someone again I damn well try to make it happen. If I'm gonna eat crow and at least write this, the least you can do is read it and, hey, try to keep an open mind for a change? We really do need to sit down and talk about this, though, just the two of us. Something has to bring some kind of closure to this entire bad episode or I feel like I'm just going to explode with pent-up emotions. I still cannot believe that you basically told me to hit the road because I refused to go to fucking church with you. After I had attempted suicide. Twice. That is almost unforgivable. I was so mad that you were even contacted in the first place, I knew that you would only complicate matters. But I am still completely stunned that you would make my having a place to sleep conditional to my conforming to your wishes on how I live my life. I can honestly say that I would never dream of doing anything like that to anyone. Sure, you sit down and tell me that I have to obey the "Rules of the House" like I'm still some little kid, when I've lived on my own for three and a half years, but I was prepared to be home by 10:00 like you asked (when you were home at around 11:00 that night, as I remember), and I would've been a good little asslicking child for you again. When you start dictating to me that I will go and do and believe as you will or can just go on I have to look at the priorities in my life and realize that Truth ranks so much higher than even my family. I have to be true to myself because if not, what else do I have? Know, though, that I would never, under any circumstances, place conditions on you, or Kendall, or anyone else that I purport to love. If for any reason you were having to stay with me for a while because you were undergoing a nervous breakdown I certainly would not force you to choose between renouncing God or finding somewhere else. That is morally reprehensible. For all the pretensions and hypocricy that is found in the pious person's mind, I never would have believed that you, my own damn family, could do something so, and I hesitate to use this loaded word but honestly believe it fits, evil. That's exactly what it was, too. Evil. By all rights I could pretend in my mind that you never existed and live contently, but that would be avoiding the issue and I believe that you are the source of so many issues that have escalated out of control because I refuse to confront them. How dare you preach to me of spiritual matters? I have a greater concept of the Divine than your chained mind can ever hope to possess. And yet you condescend to me with your ignorang babble and the profaning of Godly things?!? Let it not be said that you never heard the Truth: that Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be the Whole of the Law. You somehow fail to recognize that I am grown up now. Despite the fact that I don't share your faith, I am still a moral creature. Instead of doing it because some old man in the sky will give me a stocking full of coal, though, I do what is right simply because it's right. I sometimes think that you lose sight of the fact that, despite my disagreeing with you on so many things, I am much more ethical than most people out there. In light of your recent actions, I dare say that I am even more ethical than you. You ask me if I have ever been happy and doubt my answer. I tell you that I have seen the very Form of God shining in the darkness, and have seen that very light mirrored in myself. Much more than your prison of faith will ever allow you. You don't even know me and yet you make groundless accusations and base value judgements against me. Then you try to chain me as you are chained, because you cannot bear to see someone go unfettered. If there is to be any contact between us, this has to stop; every man and woman is a star, and I will not hide my brilliance behind what I see as ignorant posturings and superstitious nonsense. I simply ask for the same consideration that I give you, seeing that we see ourselves and each other in the same light- I will not try to show you the Way of Truth if you will stop trying to corrupt me with your heathenism. I love you all very much, but if we can't see to work out all these issues I honestly don't see you playing a very large part in my life from here on out. It's honestly something you need to think about: you are driving me away from you emotionally. I honestly think that I am at a point in my life right now where I can take you or leave you. I would love to have a relationship with you but some things just should be left alone. If that is unacceptable, I am content with not further damaging myself psychologically and not having any further contact with you. I'll try to call you sometime in the next few days so that we can arrange a time when we can sit and talk alone, preferrably on neutral ground. I hope this letter finds everyone in good health, and please tell everyone that I said hi. Love, Brent |
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