No, I don't think anybody would.
This website has been a bit of a winidow into me. Looking at it you can see glimpses of those incarnations of me which you may not be familiar with.
I'm still afraid, though. If someone does not accept one of my aspects I may lose them. This is why I only show an appropriate mask around different people. I show them the side of me they expect, the one that can best cope with their own reality, and when a persona bleeds through into another they are often annoyed. They think it is another person's influence, when in reality it is just a more liberated me. Stacie thinks I only listen to pop and seems offended when I'm in the mood for heavy metal. Dana only sees my sensitive and doesn't think that I can be mean intentionally. Jeanette sees my wild side but doesn't seem to comprehend the calculating mind behind, the need for me to find rationalization for everything that I do.
I am a mass of contradictions, but consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
I do often wish that more people could could understand me. If you knew how my sexuality fit in with my hatred of religion and my animosity toward my family you'd be coming closer. If you understood my sense of justice and my personal ethic you'd understand my politics and why I'm offensive so very often. When you know that my practicality and logic are simply games, you see that they are there to distract my mind from the boredom and horror of everyday life. My sometimes quiet manner hides the fact that I am very conscious of the way I speak.
Did you know all of that? Didn't think so.
Do you know that during my Junior year of high school I planned to start summoning demons? I would've used them to learn things and for luck in love. I had a circle made out, too, but my mother found it hidden in my room.
Ok, sinse we're being honest, I also would've been valadictorian. Be we won't even talk about that.
Did you know that when my boss's son comes into the bank that I want to drag him to the bathroom and let him fuck the hell out of me? Heh, some of you probably did. And yes, he's here right now, the little sweet ass.
Did any of you know that I consider myself an empath. I tend to get into people's heads and try to understand the way they think and why they feel. I feel someone else's hurt because I put myself into their situations.
did you know that touch is the most important sense to me? I chose my security blanket because of the way it felt. The blanket on my bed right now feels similar, and I find myself rubbing it just like it did with my old "blankie," especially when I'm stressed. My clothes are chosen for the way they feel. If something isn't soft or silky I won't wear it again. Tactile sensation is the most comforting to me- I'd rather hold by somebody or be held than anything else.
Except for my boss's son. I'd rather give him a brick and let him sodomize me.
I feel that if I were to do that nobody would follow my wishes for the disposal of my body. I don't want some Christian service with a preacher commending my sould to a god that isn't there. Or worse, condemning my soul to a hell that I don't believe in. I want something simple with a few appropriate songs (Somewhere Over the Rainb ow) and some people I loved missing me. That's it. My body won't be present, some med students will be waiting to cut it up by that time. Does anybody even know me enough to understand why?
