“You Wouldn’t Know a Beautiful Penis if it Hit you in the Face”
A Complaint about the Sex Standards in America
By:Matthew Malecha

Now I am not going to lie and tell you I don’t have a 9 pound cock that is as long in inches as the number of vowels in this sentence, but come on!!! With the porn industry on a rise, and the African immigration movement full fledged, we must consider the effects that this is having not only on the mental states of men all over the country, but also on the mental states of women. I get like 9 emails in my inbox every day about increasing the size of my penis, and one third of those I haven’t even subscribed too!!! And women, if I am getting emails about breast enlargement made easy, then I can only HOPE that you are too. But why all these emails? WHY THE STANDARDS!?!?!? I think America lost a piece of happiness and virtue over the years, a piece that I am going to try to rekindle in your hearts, right in this little passage. So just sit back, turn on the CD you have of 12 tracks of Tiny Dancer by Elton John, consider what I’m telling you, and maybe (just maybe) we can combat these standards… without combating porn.

Women, think about the guy down at the YMCA who checks the people to make sure they have their card. His deep smile is like a poignant arrow to any woman’s heart, and who says “curly locks” can’t be cute on guys too, right? Sure, his name might be Jamie, which pretty much shouts out “wannabe transsexual lesbian,” but the fact is, he isn’t. We’ve all had desires to do weird things, but the only person who actually DOES touch his dog like that, is Andrew, not Jamie. Plus, he’s obviously working hard on his masters in aromatherapy and relaxation therapy down at Tarrant County Junior College. So next time he swipes your card, while mentally removing your clothes, why don’t you think of all the good times you two could have, like picnics and gardening, and take that plunge into happiness, and, ultimately, into yourself.

And men, think about the little innocent girls over at the bookstore, reading Harry Potter books behind the counter, and trying to make some cold cash to pay for a new pair of glasses, and a little cocaine if she can afford it. She has her little freckles on her face and although her boobs may only be and A or B, who cares, she’s wearing Pink!!! Could you really look into that big soft smile that lights up a book like it’s being advertised in hypnovision, and deny the girl love simply because she isn’t wearing a short skirt and no panties? I know I am not jerky enough to do so, and plus, pants make it more like chess… or TACTICS!!! Who the hell doesn’t like tactics???

So, just from this passage, you probably figured out that even with the camera’s 10 pounds added, my penis isn’t very sufficient, but I won’t complain. You won’t see THIS guy crying [in public]. And you know why you won’t? Because I know that each of you out there, both male and female, has the decency and respect for individuals to not judge people on their rock hard abs or voluptuous mounds of flesh, but to focus in on what really matters. I have absolute faith that next time your out on a date with someone who isn’t quite as hot as you think god has intended for you, don’t be a bitch and dump them, be a mature adult, and just imagine that their someone else. Rock on Kittens!


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